forabetterlife

After almost a year of some serious attempts at sobriety, I can recognize some of my patterns and times/situations that have led to me to drink again. In an attempt not to beat myself up I tell myself that as a result of those "attempts" I have mangaged to pull more days of not drinking (while not all consecutive) in ten years, which must be good for my body to some degree, but even more importantly, I feel I understand my relationship and problem with alcohol better than ever. Now it's time to use that knowledge, recognize my patterns, prepare for those challenging milestones and situations, to make this my life and not another "attempt".

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I am fortunate in the fact that I feel better physically after as little as one day of sobriety, which makes little sense to me because I'm sure I drank as many as some of you who struggle for weeks to feel good again. However, as we all know, that feeling good can also be such a trick. As my body and mind heal, I start to feel it can handle alcohol again, I can drink normally, I forget how it affected my body, my mind, my relationships, my behavior, my confidence, my face...everything.

As I begin my day four, which is a dangerous day for me given my history and patterns, please share your strategies and tools you use to get through those days where your mind/the alcoholic voice/whoever it is shouts at you
"Drinking is ok now, you're back to normal, everyone drinks, it's summer, you deserve it, you can lose weight and drink too, no one will know your drinking-just hide it, its not like you'll NEVER drink again, so why go through this...." blah blah blah.

I woke up this morning feeling great, but I also could tell that I lost a little of the thrill of feeling great that I had the past few days. I can feel myself getting complacent. But, no, no, no..I know better!

forabetterlife

I just want to add that this is also my last day of work for two months, so when I come home today I will be in "vacation mode" with lots of free time on my hands, which of course can also be dangerous. I plan to come home, and go right on SR, force myself, because I KNOW what will be going through my mind.
I want to make the most of these two months, not drink them away...and feel the usual guilt, shame, and disappointment in myself.

OklaBH

Thank you for this thread. Today is my day 4 too. Ive been at this game since January 2011. I cant wait for the day I can say alcohol doesnt cross my m ind or that it is a non-issue for me. Throughout the day Im fine. As 5 o'clock creeps up I think to myself "you can have a few to unwind but make sure your in bed by----" SOmetimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. Fridays are the worst for me. That is what starts the binge and destruction. Knowing I have 2 days off puts me on a roll (3 day weekends are murder).

When (not if) I get through tonight the weekend will be downhill sailing, according to my last tries at sober life. I will be on here all weekend looking for support to make it until Monday. I want to look forward to the weekends not stress over what I will do to humiliate myself, how sick i will get or how bad i will get hurt.

Geez it would be nice to go to work on Monday talking about quality time I spent with my family, flowers I planted, a good book I read, movie I saw instead of having to make crap up because I know all I did was kill a couple 30 packs.

Dee74

I found posting and reading here reguarly, at least daily if not more, really helped - it was much harder to rationalise that I didn't have a problem when I'd spent serious time here reflecting on the fact I really did have a problem - whether I liked it or not.

The community here was a real game changer for me

D

lydiebreeze

I'm on day 7. Here are a few things that kept me "safe"

Making plans with friends and sticking to them
Reminding myself that friends and family are seriously worried about me
Being grateful that I still have good relationships with friends and family and want to keep it that way
Cleaning my house
Cleaning my house
Cleaning my house
Everytime I felt a craving I ate something
Everytime I felt a craving, instead of fighting it I let it sit there for what it was but didn't act on it
Watching tv - the more mindless the better
Reminding myself that the day will end whether I drink or not - but tomorrow will be a lot better if I don't drink
Taking walks
Taking showers
Crying (sorry but it's true)
Also - I haven't been able to leave the house with more than $10 on me, I haven't been able to go into a store that sells liquor and I've had to change my routes to avoid walking by old haunts...

instant

FABL
it helps to know what you are dealing with. Knowledge helps and try not to make the same mistakes too many times.

It does take time, it takes what it takes. It can be done and it is worth it.

Sobriety is the path to freedom.

Luling

I'm on day 12 now, and my alcoholic voice tries to tell me that I don't actually have a drinking problem, even though I know better. I shut the voice up by making a list of my drinking "highlights" over the years -- evidence that refutes any notion that I can ever drink normally. It's pretty ugly to think about, but it brings me back to reality.

awuh1

I’m going to suggest that you stick with your plan to “recognize … patterns” and “use that knowledge” to help gain long term sobriety. I suggest you employ that strategy in somewhat different way than you may have done so far.

It’s good to understand what has happened when we have failed attempts to stop drinking. To learn from mistakes is essential to prevent repeating those mistakes. I found that my attempts to quit drinking never lasted more than a few months. It took me many years to figure out one of the most important things there was to know.

That was …. I could not do it alone.

I tried for years and years to do it on my own. What I needed was frequent face to face contact with people who had stopped successfully. I needed a program/method that had worked. I came to understand that what I had been trying to do was to reinvent the wheel. It was not until I attended AA that began to find the help to get me past the short intervals that I was able to put together on my own.

If you have tried, many times, to figure it out yourself, and failed, at some point it’s necessary to recognize this as part of a failed pattern and get more help. Telling your daughter of your resolve makes me think you are more determined than ever, and that this may not be, as you said, “an attempt”. I hope you find all the resources you need. Wishing you well.

forabetterlife

There comes a point during the day when I know I've made it, I know I'm safe. Sometimes its earlier, sometimes it's later. Today, it's early, 5:00..I had to run an errand, alone...and didn't stop to by alcohol. Oh, it crossed my mind! And it's not like I don't think of it or desire it, I just know that today I won't let it. It's a relief.
Lydie, so ironic ...I came home and cleaned for 2 hours! And Okla, that is usually my rationalization too...usually try to start drinking as late into the evening as possible so bedtime hits before I have too many. But, it never works..I either drink too fast to 'catch up' to what I'm used to drinking, or I stay up later. I hate it, hate it, hate it all, and can't wait for it to be a non-issue for me either, all (or most) days, and all day long. I try to remind myself that abstaining is a non-action, drinking is an action. To NOT do it, should be easy, just don't. Sounds way easier than it is, but it should be!
Anyway, thank you for the support its JUST what I need.

oh2exhale

hi forabetterlife- I congratulate you on your resolve to be done with drinking. There is a sentance in the Big Book of AA it says, "This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it-this utter inablility to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish." And another. " we are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones". It will never be a non issue for me, I am granted a daily reprieve and that is going to have to be good enough for me. Hang in there!

Limbo75

Hey FBL

Can only share what has worked for me...went through a number of years of attempts and finally I went on Antabuse for the first 4 weeks while I was finding a little bit of sanity again, it is not for everyone but for me it worked. Does nothing for the cravings but makes it physically impossible for your to drink without great discomfort... However it was not until I faced up and fessed up meaning that went out of hiding and I told my family and finally went to AA that I found a path real to sobriety. Working the program is not only keeping me sober but helping me find a life again so I recommend that with all my heart!

Good luck with it!