Krys

I know that part of recovery is learning and making mistakes, but sometimes I feel like such an idiot...will I ever GET it? ABF and I have been living separately for two months, and I was getting really good at detaching, taking care of myself, and keeping my boundaries in place (I thought). I resisted that codependant urge to fix things, make him feel better about our separation and to be honest...was feeling pretty healthy and done with it. We spent some time together over Memorial Day weekend and I resisted the urge to spend the night at our place, despite him repeatedly asking. I was pretty proud of myself. Then Wednesday happened. My mother and my stepfather were having some issues, and were arguing. My mom called and told me not to come home until that night so they could figure things out. I had no where else to go. I know that sounds like an excuse, but honestly there is no where for me to go, that is why I am now living a freaking hour a way from work and everyone I know. I knew that there would be consequences to staying at our apartment, but I was so tired and pissed off and I did it anyway...like a dufus. Part of this was probably just exhaustion from having my life uprooted, and from having so much pressure on me right now. I just needed a break and to feel at home again. Selfish I know. sigh. It was way too comfortable, I was floored at how fast I settled in. It was hard on him, I think he expected that I would being home so much that I would stay, and it was hard on me because I wanted to stay. Needless to say I am back at my moms, he is sad, I feel like a jerk and I am so confused my head is spinning. I can't do this...I think I am going to fail.

chronsweet

I would suggest going back and reading some old posts. I understand the feeling of being at 'mom's house' again because that is where I am headed in 2 months when my lease is up.

Tuffgirl

Fail as in want to move back in with him? That's not failure, that is a choice you can make. Is it the right choice for you would be the better perspective to take right now.

Change and chaos makes our heads spin...that's normal. Hang in there!
~T

Mo S

Just my opinion; i dont think yo failed- sometimes we have to do what we have to do and you had no where else to go. There was a terrible ice storm in my hometown once; power and water busted in the middle of winter. I had no one else to take me in despite my trying and ended up at a old partners house- she was not healthy- but i had no other options.I took care of myself the best i could at thetime. Thats all any of us can do. You arent responsible for how he felt about it- wanting you to stay and hang out more. Hope fully you set a clear boundary which it sounds like you have been doing a good job with. Kudos to you!

Krys

Thank you for your advice everyone. I just feel like I am getting weaker by the day. It feels like my mind is playing tricks on me...trying to tell me it will be better if I go back because I am scared and tired of fighting. I took your advice and went back and read my posts. I don't want to be in that place again, it is scary how fast you forget and it's even scarier that I find myself trying to talk myself into going back anyway. I might be as bad as he is, I might be just as sick. :-(

Seren

I'm sorry you are struggling, Krys. What do you think would be the best living situation for you? What steps can you take to make that happen?

midnightapt

I don't know anything about your present situation, but perhaps this is a big indicator that you need to find a place of your own to live? If you are living with your mother/stepfather, they are essentially your "roommates", and they just locked you out. If you had a place of your own (or with traditional roommates), this won't happen.

Like I said, I don't know anything about your present situation, but having a place to come home to is pretty damn important, especially when the alternative is spending time with your addict ex.

midnightapt

That is some good stuff.

Krys

Midnight, I am staying here temporarily while I look for a place. I have not had any luck finding a place in my price range. I know I can't rush his process or rush getting over him and moving on...but I wish I could. I made the decision to give this 6 months, but I hate living in limbo. Honestly, this sound mean but sometimes I want to go back, wait for him to screw up and kick him out of the apartment. So immature and evil I know...but it pisses me off to know that he is living in a place I found and love, while I struggle living here with my mother. I need to find my own place asap, I think maybe not having any alone time is driving me bonkers. lol. Has anyone actually cracked up after being in this situation? Some days checking into a psych ward sounds like a vacation to me! lol

Katiekate

Some days checking into a psych ward sounds like a vacation to me! lol

Ugggggg I hear you on this Krys

Agonizing. xo

Buffalo66

I have done this.
It can feel like a big backwards step, and maybe it is, but just one step back, then just keep moving forward.
Keep remembering that you want to feel your feelings, have your own good days, not babysit someone else.

As far as confusing him...I wouldn't sweat it too much. He has probably confused you a few times, no?

Just keep moving forward. He is a big boy. You sound like you are actually pretty aware and on top of thigs, even if that feels strange and foreign.

midnightapt

Hey Krys, thanks for explaining your situation. You're right in saying that you can't rush getting over him. All we can do is manage our lives the best that we can, and if we do a decent job, things usually take care of themselves.

Best of luck in finding a new place to live. I lived with my parents for a brief period of time a couple years ago and it drove me nuts. Thankfully I was able to quickly find a job to support myself (and move in with sober roommates, even if they were complete strangers) and completely cut ties with my parents. I hope you will find the same fortune that I did!

Krys

Well I have had a couple of days of no contact on his end, he is most likely trying to get back at me for not giving him what he wants. Fine by me, I will undoubtedly start to wonder what is going on in a few days, but for now it's nice to have the quiet. Living with my mom and step dad is definitely driving me a little batty. They are fine most of the time, but it's not my place and I don't feel comfortable here. Moving into my own place is exciting but also scary. I know I can take care of myself, but I also know it is going to be very stressful because of my current income. I am working 50 hours per week and putting myself through school, which will start in the Fall and I will be going from part time course work (which is what I did this past year) to full time status. 50 hours plus full time school work and an overnight clinical rotation?? Something will have to give and that will be my work hours...which means I may not be able to afford my own place after all. Ugh. Could I have decided to take the blinders off at a worse time?

NYCDoglvr

I suggest focusing on this, that's it's temporary. You are taking the actions (yes, difficult), to change this and you will definitely land in a much better place. AA tells those newly sober that what can trigger a drink signal is people, places and things. Don't go where alcohol is served, around ex-drinking buddies. If you're trying to make a new life for yourself, perhaps it's time to let him go?

Tuffgirl

Me, too. It hurts like hell in the moment, but then the skies open up, the sun comes out, you find a place you love even more, and all becomes right again in your world. Trust in the process, as hard as it may sound right now.