feelingalone43

After continuing to detach myself from AH's anger and lack of control issues, he says he wants to do whatever needs done to make things better. I finally told him that I am done just "getting over it" because he says he's sorry. I told him that I don't trust him that we won't go on the roller coaster ride again. He asked if I would be happier if he was out of my life. I don't have an answer today to that question. I said that there are days when I can't imagine living the rest of my life without him, and days when I wish I never had to see him again.

He says he doesn't know where to start on getting help. I told him that he could find anything else he's interested in on the internet, try there. I will not do this for him and I will not give him an ultimatum. I would love to see him get help, but only for himself. He needs to find a way of coping with stressful happenings. I am not a doctor, and I believe with all my being that a doctor is what he needs.

I also made no promises to him that getting help for himself is going to be our marital cure-all.

I'll keep you posted, and would appreciate any and all advice. I will take what I want and leave the rest. Thanks everybody.

LaTeeDa

My AH said the same or similar thing dozens of times. Notice how there is no personal responsibility in that statement? He wants "things" to be better.

I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. It sounds like he is still a long way from admitting he has a problem and taking action to do something about it. Just keep on with your own recovery, it's all you can do anyway. More will be revealed.

L

choublak

He could be giving you the "opportunity" to say yes to this and let him go.

feelingalone43

He claims to love me with every fiber of his being, and that he wants us to stay together, but knows that there is a possibility of going our separate ways. I told him that I am going to continue my life as it is. I will work on my own recovery, find things to do that make me happy, and remain detached for now. His recovery, if he chooses it, will be his responsibility. I am not opposed to couples' counseling, but he also needs individual help.

EnglishGarden

Could you be a bit clearer about the advice you are seeking?

You have decided to continue with your recovery and to detach from his issues, both of which are healthy and the only course of action you can take, as you are very aware of.

If you would like feedback on his dialogue, then I would say it sounds like classic alcoholic manipulation to maintain the status quo and to subtly evoke fear, obligation, and guilt (the F.O.G.) in you.

He asks if you would be happier with him gone, and that evokes the fear.

He says he has no idea how to get well, and that evokes the obligation.

He says he loves you with every fiber of his being, and that evokes the guilt.

What isn't happening is any meaningful substantial change.

So for now, he is playing you, because he intends to keep drinking.

This isn't advice, just feedback from the outside. Many of us have been on that merry--go-round.

feelingalone43

He actually isn't drinking, but not in AA. He says that he knows he needs help with other issues, and will take those steps by calling the doctor today and that he will do whatever the doctor recommends. If that means he goes to regular counseling sessions, then that's what he'll do. If it means counseling and medication, he'll do that.

He now has placed all the blame squarely on his own shoulders. Manipulation? Maybe. Time will tell. When he asks if I would be happier without him, there is no threat intended on his part, nor perceived on mine. He is willing to live separate lives without disrupting our current standard of living. He doesn't want to see the kids uprooted either.

Am I blind to the fact that he will "do whatever it takes" until such time as he thinks I'm over it, and then possibly go back to past behavior? No, I'm not. But now I am no longer afraid to stand my ground, and enforce my boundaries. I used to let it all go just to keep the peace. I don't deserve to have to live that way. What I do struggle with is how long does it take to know if the changes are real?

lizatola

I heard all of this a few months ago after his DUI. I heard that he would never touch a drop of alcohol ever again and that the DUI was his bottom and the only lesson he needed to quit.

I heard the "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it." "I'll do whatever it takes." "I love you with every fiber of my being, you are everything to me." "I just want YOU to be happy." "I told you I'd go to marriage counseling months ago, go ahead and make the appointment." "Just tell me where to be and I'll be there." "You're going to hear things in that counseling session that you may not want to hear."

Fast forward to this past weekend: HE DRANK.......A LOT. I was away for the weekend but found his receipt as he wasn't very careful about it and then saw his empties in the trash can at the park when I was walking the dog. He has no intention of working on anything in counseling. He has no intention of quitting. I was keeping my hopes up thinking that the DUI was truly his bottom but somewhere deep in my heart and soul, I knew that wasn't the case.

You sound like you are grounded and aware of the risk of relapse. Take things one day at a time. For me, it's going to take years of him being sober and working a real program for me to trust him again, and that is IF we stay together and can start working on our emotional and spiritual health in this family. FYI: my AH sounded like he was placing all the blame on his shoulders, he always does. I think in his heart that he knows the truth and expresses and truly believes that he can abstain and that he can stay away from alcohol. Unfortunately, the truth is: he is an alcoholic and the addict inside of him is stronger right now than his desire to stay away from the booze. Only time will tell how your husband will continue forward. Keep taking care of yourself!

feelingalone43

Time will tell, yes. And I know we all want to believe that this time will be different. We have gone for two or more years without problems (of course that's when I was being the enabling codie). We've been married nearly 19 years, and in that time we've had maybe a half dozen times when we don't get along for more than two days. This time is different, but it's because I found this site and realized that I am strong enough and like myself enough to not just sweep everything under the rug.

Hopefully my new found confidence and understanding will make a difference. He did make the initial appointment with our family doctor, but can't get in until later next week. He says he will use this time to make a list of things he needs help with.

When I just reacted with an "Okay," he asked if I want to be kept posted on things. I told him that I am detached. If he wants to tell me what goes on, I will listen, but if he wants to keep it private, I will respect that. His actions will tell the tale.

I am working on a back-up plan. I don't have all the details solidified yet, but at least I know now that there are options available to me.

feelingalone43

I'm not sure if telling him that keeping what the doctor advises private was the right thing to do. This detaching thing is so hard when I've spent so many years enmeshed in the chaos.

choublak

I have to wonder if he is actually doing what he needs to do. He seems to spend a lot of time discussing it with you...

feelingalone43

Hopefully, he is in the process of doing what he needs to do by taking the first step and admitting he needs help. I guess he has no one else to talk to about this. Apparently he feels that I, as his wife, is someone he should be able to talk to about anything.

I have told him that I am not qualified to provide the type of help he needs. A listening ear, yes, but not any kind of diagnosis, or advice.

EmmyG

Lizatola:

"I heard the "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it." "I'll do whatever it takes." "I love you with every fiber of my being, you are everything to me." "I just want YOU to be happy." "I told you I'd go to marriage counseling months ago, go ahead and make the appointment." "Just tell me where to be and I'll be there." "You're going to hear things in that counseling session that you may not want to hear."

It's crazy, but I think you may be married to my husband. I've literally heard every single sentence word for word. Especially the "you're going to hear things you don't want to hear." Man, reading some of this stuff is such a reality check. When I was growing up my religious mom used to say "There is nothing new under the sun," and it's true isn't it.

lizatola

It is crazy how they are all alike, isn't it? Yeah, I'm not sure what he meant by "You're going to hear things you don't want to hear", but I know he will get on me about how often he doesn't get any and how I am too sensitive, etc. Not sure what else he's got on me that I don't really know about? Like it's some sort of mystery that I have poor coping skills, hate confrontation, have a low self image, and have s*xual problems because I was molested as a child. DUH, not that hard to figure out. At least I'm trying to deal with my problems, face my iniquities, and start setting boundaries and putting myself first. Not sure what the heck he thinks he's doing?

I think we got off topic, here. Sorry about that, feelingalone43.

FYI: feelingalone, please be careful if you are just being a listening ear. I know he wants to talk but you don't want to get too emotionally connected to his stuff. I would suggest that he journal everything that's on his mind so that he can bring it to a counseling session in the future. This way he gets it out of his mind, he can sort out his feelings and thoughts on paper, and then let a third party help him work through it all. Just a suggestion, not sure if it works, LOL!

NewbieJ

What you told your AH took so much strength and courage. What you said about "getting over it" because he says he's sorry - I read something almost in those exact words in the book I'm reading (that others have suggested on here - dug through my storage unit to find it!) called "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry & Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It's an excellent resource, you may have heard of it already but I just wanted to suggest it in the event you had not.

Good luck to you and we are all here for you.

feelingalone43

.

I have been doing a pretty good job of not breaking down in tears during this time. But reading all your ESH makes me feel so UN-alone. So if I cry while here with all of you, it is a good cry.

SoaringSpirits

You sound like you are so clear on your boundaries, good for you. You are going to get through this well.

It's kind of the same with my AH, talk but no action on his part. It feels so healthy to let go and focus on my own health and sanity. It's such a relief, like this big infection has burst and is starting to drain. Detachment is a good thing!

akrasia

You sound like you're being very strong and clear. Good for you!

I agree that he is trying to play you. He may not even realise this himself, but that's what's happening.

For every moment he's sitting there saying, "I will be doing whatever it takes," he's taking time away from actually doing what it takes.

There is absolutely a negative corrolation between words and actions here.

Also, his saying, "What do you want from me?" is disingenuous. Puts the burden on you.

I hope you're reaching out to friends/family in your life as well.

Thinking of you.

Anon12

I got this - didn't realise it was such a script! I also got that from his father when my ABF started counselling (before relapse). It both depresses me (that this is part of something so scary) but also reassuring that it is part of something others know about. Thank you.

Feelingalone, you sound so strong on your boundaries and responding so well to his comments, whether he intends them or not. I really admire that. I understand being torn between wanting to be a listening ear and getting sucked back in to being his crutch. Stay strong and do what makes you feel comfortable. I too feel my ABF recognises he is responsible for the problem but what exactly that problem is and the solution I don't think he's ready to come to terms with. Good luck.

Seren

Hello feelingalone43, I think your attitude is great!! What a gift to yourself to place the responsibility of his own recovery all on him, to give yourself the time and space you need to heal, to be honest with yourself and with him that this may or may not ultimately heal the marriage. It's also a gift to him to allow him the dignity to figure this out on his own and to deal with the consequences of his own decisions and actions!

Good luck as you move forward.

Hopeworks

I have a bit of a concern about an A going to a doctor to do "whatever they say" as the doctor will give their advice based on what information is provided by the A who most will minimize and secondly based on what experience the doctor has with addiction.

Sadly there is serious lack of education on the treatment of alcoholism in medical school and many doctors are clueless on how to help the alcoholic other than with a prescription... my XA used his doctor to get prescriptions for benzodiazapines which are a very, very bad mix for A's by telling him they were needed for his anxiety!

This gives me an idea.... for a new thread... Suggestions for the Alcoholic who claims he wants to quit drinking but has no idea where to start...