Brieana

Hi, my name on here is Brieana, everyone can call me Bri. I am brand new to this forum and living with my 19yo sons drug addiction and alcoholism. A little bit about why I am here. Please feel free to give your insights...

I first want to say thank you for having me. The name I use here is not my real name and I will refer to my chidren as d=19yo T=22yo and D=27yo. I am new to the group but went to a few al anon meetings about 7 years ago but gave up on them when my life fell apart due to the drinking and drugging of my husband, I was lost and alone and fighting for mine and my childrens survival. I threw him out of the house by way of the legal system within a year he committed suicide because I wouldn't take him back. It is taking me a long time to cope with that and with the help of my friends I am starting to realize it wasn't my fault what he did.

The sad thing is I didn't get out fast enough the effects of the disfunctional house and abuse had already hit home with my children. I am now 50 years old my boys are 19, 23, & 27. I find myself dealing with 2 of the 3 childrens addictions d & D. Though D doesn't live with me anymore I still worry about him. My youngest d I just found out 6 months ago he has a pain pill addition (and he is an alcoholic. He has stolen from both me and my boyfriend to the tune of a total of more then $1200, broken up my house to the tune of $700 in repairs. I have thrown him out many times and he was in treatment but due to his suicidal thoughts was discharged from the center and placed in the hospital for 2 days. Upon release 2 Friday’s ago, I am unable to get him into any kind of treatment center as he has been 30 days clean and they won't take him.

So I am dealing with him in my house yet again and the effects that it has on myself and my boyfriend. I am now watchdog as if he brings alcohol in the house he will be thrown out. I am stressed because I can't leave my home to run errands with him in it. I now keep everything locked up in my bedroom that I had to put a dead bolt on the door. I feel like I am sufficating and that this will never end. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. d brought in a 40 of beer 2 Friday’s ago his first day home from the hospital. I found it and dumped it, but, not before he tried to fight me for it, If not for my boyfriend stepping between him and I it would have resorted to that. I dumped the beer and d went off, he kicked a hole in my wall, yet another repair *sighs*, he yelled that i had to get him a replacement beer he yelled that I had to pay him back the $2 he spent on it. I refused both. I was shaking so bad and fighting back the tears. See, I don't do well with violence and his behavior is that of which his father used to manipulate and emotionally abuse me. I regressed and went inside myself once again. It took hours for my boyfriend to pull me out. Later d apologized to me and thanked me for taking the alcohol away, he said he would have regretted drinking it and would have ruined his sobriety.

But then yesterday he was too tired to go to his IOP meeting which is 3 times a week for 3 hrs. He said he hadn’t slept the night before. He refused to get up. He slept till noon. Got up watched tv said he wanted to go fishing, so I said ok, I think that was a mistake as yesterday afternoon he was passed out in the chair, I knew something was wrong and I checked his truck and found a tiny celephane bag that was twisted, I suspected. He later told me he found a Librium in his pants pocket from when he was in treatment. I told him no he didn’t that I had washed all his clothes and there was no way. He then said he meant to say jacket pocket I said whatever and that I knew he wasn’t telling me the truth.
So today, I will confront him. I have thrown him out before and will do so again. I will give him one chance to tell me exactly what he has been doing with his knowledge that he won’t get thrown out for telling me the truth but that he must go to meetings everyday and he will loose his driving privledges till he can prove himself again. I hate this so much! I hate not being able to trust my son. I hate the fact that I am his watch dog. I hate that the person that is living in my son’s body is not the son I know and love.

I am concerned that I will loose my boyfriend (more of a life partner, then boyfriend actually) he is a wonderful man and loves me dearly and keeps telling me it won't always be like this. But I know that my break downs aren't good for the relationship even though he tells me he won't leave when I get insecure.

d hasn't really worked all his life except for a job here and there that he got lazy with and quit. Little did I know it was the alcohol and drugs were causing all this. I was blind or chose to be blind, actually I should have seen the signs. I know I helped to cause his illness, not getting away from his father soon enough before he left his scars, not being a strong enough parent and letting my sons manipulate me to avoid confrontation. I come from a long history of being abused starting when I was 7 and I learned at a very young age it is easier to accept then to rebell. I know that my own failings and short comings have led to where 2 of my 3 children are today.

I have gotten stronger because when I first found out I tried to save him, believed him when he told me he would quit, believed his lies as to where his money was coming from. I didn't want to believe D when he told me that d was using drugs and alcohol. I was in denial

But now I know and I am working hard to cope with my chaotic life, I know I have come far in a few short months as far as standing up to d and having my eyes open to his manipulations. I don't trust him as far as I can pick him up and throw him. I can't pick him up. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. The only reason he is still here is that he has been clean for more then 30 days and I was trying to aid him in getting into another treatment program. No one will take him now because he is clean.

Honestly I am at my wits end, I have my own problems to deal with like finding a job I have been laid off since November. I don't have the energy to do both. But I can't be selfish enough to not to at least try to help him, see d may be in a 19yo body soon to be 20 but he has the mentality of a 15yo and can't navigate getting help. I don't want to loose my son, I don't want to bury him like I did his father. I have dealt with far too much pain in my life and am not sure I could survive loosing him. So in a way I am being selfish wanting to save myself from that pain but in doing so I am contributing to my own emotional distress, so which is worse...

Kindeyes

Bri
Welcome to SR.....as the mother of an addict, I understand your fear and confusion. I hope you find comfort here.

My son is homeless living in a neighboring town. He is addicted to meth and heroin and his lifestyle is very scary to me. It is impossible for me to control his life but I tried for a very long time. I became very sick (physically, mentally and spiritually). My life was dominated by fear and it was eating me up from the inside out.....literally.

I had also dabbled in the rooms of a 12 step program many years ago but returned two years ago when I finally had a major breakdown and recognized that my life was completely out of control. That is when I started to work MY program and began the process of allowing my son the dignity of working (or not) his own program.

During the last two years I still allowed my son to come back and stay with me three times more. It was a bad idea but it got me to the point that I understand that I cannot be healthy when living under the roof with someone in active addiction. I love my son. I pray for him daily. But I cannot take responsibility for his choices. Although addiction is not a choice, recovery is.....but it's not my choice to make for him.

Embracing a 12 step program has been life altering for me. I don't do it perfectly and expect to be working on it for the rest of my life but I feel at least I am taking positive steps forward. I also made many mistakes while raising my son and allowing his addicted father access to him. But I can't change that. I can model recovery for him. I can work the program that I wish he would work. And I can hope that someday he will follow my example and begin loving himself enough to find sobriety.

I am so sorry for the loss of your estranged husband to suicide. Your friends are right....that was not your fault nor could you have prevented it from happening. I'm sure that was very difficult on your children as well.

I would encourage you to do a couple of things. If you have not already read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, pick up a copy and see if you can relate to what it says. And consider going back to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon and keep going back. Try a few different meetings and grab some of the literature.

More than anything.....I wanted/needed serenity. But it took risking losing all of my other loved ones before I realized that I was risking it all for something I had no control over.

I came to realize that I could not expect my son to do what I was unwilling to do for myself.

gentle hugs
ke

Chino

Bri, your son has all sorts of help available to him but he has to want it. IOP, meetings, salvation army, halfway houses.... it's all there for the asking. He has no reason to reach out for help, from the people who can give it to him, when he has a comfy home with people that will tolerate his abuse.

His bottom will get deeper every time you allow unacceptable behavior. Every time his behavior is excused, he'll become weaker. Eventually he might not be able to stand on his own feet, and might not want to, either.

Have you consider working a recovery program for yourself?

Tinks65

welcome Bri,
there is a saying "if nothing changes... nothing changes!" The only one you have control over is yourself. You have the power to change the way you relate and react to your son, your life, your circumstances. From reading your post what you have been doing isn't really working for you. Please reach out to Al Anon or Nar Anon today. Like Kindeyes suggested try several different meetings. The first meeting I went to I couldn't relate at all the the people there, I tried a different meeting and found a home.

Plenty of addicts with no family help at all find recovery ... sadly that's what it takes for many. Oh and please, please don't for a second think that because "you didn't get out fast enough" of your marriage that your son became an addict. My son was raised in a loving home, my husband and I have been happily married for 28 years next month, we have three other kids, all who love and adore their brother, he will even tell you himself that he had a wonderful childhood yet he became a drug addict, drug of choice is heroin. Addiction whether you see it as a disease or not is a powerful force of evil, it is not easily broken and it does not discriminate. It isn't the consequence of a bad childhood. I have several friends who each have had horrible childhoods yet not a one has become an addict. One even has addiction running rampant in her family yet she remains a healthy loving person in spite of how she grew up. Please stick around, read, read, and post. You are among friends and their is hope ... you can have peace and joy in your life again, in spite of your son's addiction because our children are not the only source of happiness in the world nor should they be.

take care of you

Brieana

@kindeyes, Thank you so very much for telling me part of your story. It helps. I have not spoken to him yet today on his taking the librium yesterday. It is not going to be a confrontation I am just going to ask where he got it and if he has anymore. If he is unwilling to answer I will tell him he has an hour to think about that decision. Depending on what he says I will either send him directly to a treatment center, take away his driving privledges or kick him out. I think he wants to get and stay clean, I don't think he realizes that taking librium is the same as taking pain killers they are both controlled substances, both highly addictive and that i won't put up with him taking any pills, other then OTC's for real ailments.

Thank you for the book suggestion I will pick up a copy. I am looking into an al anon or a al na program that will fit for me. I am just so tired of living this way. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I appreciate your kind words and caring they mean a lot to me. Every day I fight back despair and tears and your words have given me hope. *hugs*

@chino, I understand that everytime I take him back in that I am risking myself and him. It's just so hard to have the strength to be done with him as long as he is trying. He has tested clean on every 2 week testing that he takes at IOP so far. The next one is tomorrow so we will see if he goes. So far he didn't go yesterday and I have a feeling that is because he is using again and doesn't want to get caught. We will see, as my boyfriend who is paying all the bills has said if he refuses to go to Friday's IOP he will need to know that he either goes or he packs up his stuff and leaves. I just hope I have the strength to stand my ground on that.

Thank you for caring enough to reach out to me. *hugs*

Brieana

@Tinks65 Thank you very much for your words. It helps to hear others expereince and thoughts. My boyfriend had told me the same thing that it wasn't my fault, I heard his words but I guess I really didn't hear him. I will have to think about that again and see if I can find a way to come to terms with it.

Logically I know I can't control my son, that the only one I can control is myself. With that said I am going to work harder on doing what I need to do for me and hopefully things will get better at least in regards to my happiness.

*hugs*

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Bri, I am another Mom who has had to not only kick my son out, but he was arrested last year for stealing from us. He went to jail, then rehab and now has relapsed and we are No Contact. He is 22. What is very important is that you have seen/been there done that before. You MUST trust your instincts and your gut, it never lies.
Your son (though you may not understand this yet) is a grown man and he needs to learn to be accountable for his choices. I have been dealing with Heroin since 2010 and nothing good has come out of all of my help which has included sending him to live with my Mom in Virginia, offering IOP (twice!) paying for suboxone, paying for three new wardrobes and sober living when he got out if inpatient rehab and allowing him back home twice. Both times he has stolen again from us. I don't doubt that he loves us, but he is addicted to Heroin and nothing else matters. He also successfully was passing the drug tests and I later found bags of urine in his closet. UGH!

Brieana

@Ilovemysonjj Thank you for your words. I hate to hear that anyone is going through what I am I wish there were no such thing as addictions but I know wishing isn't going to change anything.

I am still hopeful that he may see the light but I am not blind either.

washbe2

Living with an addict is not an easy task. Changing an addict is an impossible one - unless they want it for themselves worse than you want it for them. Our wanting our addicts to be clean doesn't work - but it also doesn't cause it.

I, too, stayed in a marriage for way too long for my children. Turns out that was probably the worst thing to do. But I can't even blame my son's addiction on that. He has had so many to love him, support, him, encourage him. But he has also been in prison, homeless, no job, no license, disabled from an accident, etc. etc. He has had it both ways, but guess what. None of it mattered. He was and still is an addict after 20+ years.

If loving and wanting would fix things, my AS would be fixed. I know that I have enabled and spent far too much in my attempts to help. But I've also at times let him go. Nothing changed.

It's not your fault. Staying with your husband didn't cause it. Leaving him didn't cause it. There may be some genetic tendencies going on, and you can't change that either.

I, too, have called the police on my AS and had him committed for two weeks. He left me no choice. His life was at stake.

So, what's the answer? I wish it were that simple. Truthfully, there's not one to fix your son. You just love him, and if necessary, do that from a distance. Find things to occupy your life. Do something every day to enhance your spiritual, mental, and physical life. The only one you can change is you.

Welcome to SR. Sorry you have the need, but glad this opportunity is available. It is truly helpful. Life can be difficult, and just knowing that there those who understand, is a blessing. (((hug)))