EmmyG

I've been living apart from my AH for about a month with our two boys, aged four and ten months. He is an occasional binge-drinker, with his last two binges happening within a two-year period. He is a mess when he drinks, and he gets very hostile toward me, verbally abusive, and he's pushed me and slapped me on a couple different occasions. This last episode didn't involve any of that, but I left because I said I would leave if he drank and he did.

It's working out pretty well for me to stay with my parents. They have a large house on a lake, and it's a beautiful summer here. I'm making good money working from home and I have help with the kids, so that's been really good for me. The boys are happy, and AH comes to visit every couple of days when he's not working. We've taken them to be beach and other outdoor activities, and they have a great time with their dad. He's sober like he is most of the time, and he's fun to be around. The only time I really miss him is at night when I'm done working and the kids are in bed.

We have been seeing a couples counselor who specializes in addiction and a few of the other issues we have. He's been surprisingly honest with her and encouraged me to say what I needed to say, which was mainly involving his past behavior. I think she was surpised to hear me say how infrequent his drinking sessions are, as she expected something worse, but she understood more once I enlightened her on what a typical binge is like for him. As she talked to him, he opened up about resentments he has toward me and how it all comes out when he's drunk. He said "Why do you think you're the only one I'm like that toward?" And it kind of rang true what I've heard on this board...that his nastiness when drunk is not just the alcohol...he knows what he's doing, and he does it because he resents me for past issues. That's why it's always so weird to see him like that when he drinks, because he's not your typical abusive husband when sober. He never puts me down or discourages me, he tells me every day that I'm beautiful, and encourages me to have my own life, and isn't jealous or controlling.

Do I go down this path of trying to understand? He hasn't been drinking at all since that binge, that I know of (it's pretty easy to tell when he's drinking). We are still married of course, but living apart, and we both seem happier for it. We agree that the best thing for the kids is to keep it how it is right now. I'm not doing the counseling to necessarily stay with him, it's more like I want the insight into our relationship and to resolve some old stuff so that if we part, it's amicable, and we can at least understand where each other comes from. He sees it more as a chance to get past everything and do what we need to do to have a healthy family.

Any thoughts from anyone? I do love him of course. Do I give therapy a shot or do I just say it's been too long and too much has happened? Do I just say that he's been physical so that's a serious dealbreaker and I don't want to save this marriage?

Overwhelming..

Pelican

Emmy,
Thanks for taking the time to share and update on you. It's nice to read that you and the children have a loving environment to share.

I know you have questions, and as a parent, wife, daughter - you feel responsible to make the right decisions.

Let me ask you a question: Do you have to have all the answers by 3 p.m. today?

Hopefully, not by 3 today. So give yourself the time to make the decisions that give you the most peace.

Sending encouragement!

sweetteewalls

Emmy, going thru same except no parents. I think you have to remember alcoholism is progressive. My AH sounds like yours...not always drinking. But just like me...he was sober for 8 months and then blinsided by relapse. Even if he came home today Id always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. In counseling my husband too admitted so much resentment toward me. They need to be able to work through that. Just don't force an answer. That was my problem. You will have to see improvement over time...if its meant to be, it will be. Just keep focus on you and daily activities.

dancingnow

Hi Emmy,

It's wonderful to hear your story and the steps you took for yourself and your children for what was best for you at the time.

I agree with Pelican, it takes time to make the decisions that give me peace and serenity. Sometimes I need to go for a period of just being in the moment and not taking any action until the next best step reveals itself to me.

Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

Just a thought - If you did understand your AH reason for being hostile and abusive to you and he did it again what would you do?

I think you have already set your boundary and IMO it is your AH responsibility to respect that boundary and work whatever he needs to work out if he wants to be with you.

Couples counseling may help in that process and that is up to you to decide how much time and effort you want to put into that.

My RAH and I are in couples counseling now that he has taken responsibility for his drinking and after 3 months it is just now getting to him realizing that he has responsibilty for our relationship. I am at peace with my life and with my 3 kids and with my decision to put the time in to go to counseling with my RAH. We were separated for 2 years and there were/are issues both related to alcohol and not related to alcohol.

Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family.

Alanon helps too.

Buffalo66

I want to say, "Good for you!"
You made boundaries. You stuck to them, put your kids out of harms way, and maintain contact while he is sober and balanced.

it is hard to be in Limbo. I have been there. Things did not get better with y RAH recovery, though, and that is a reality.
I would suggest to him in the presence of the therapist that he do some sstudying up on alcoholism, and especially focus on the fact that it is a PROGRESSIVE disease. He is perhaps at a stage where he can nip it before he segues into daily drinking, by attending meetings, learning about how peoples lives were destroyed, when they thought just getting loaded and binge drinking occassionally was kind of OK.

It will progress. He can stop it, now, but will need education and support. If he is open in the sessions, he may be willing to look at this stuff. AA meetngs are hard for some people at first. They can seem depressing, and mopey, but he might find something there that resonates, or speaks to him.

MAybe ask him with therapist present if he can commit to going to several meetings? If he wants to be sober? What does he think of that? Etc... open the conversation up.

Good Luck, and good work taking care of yourself and those kids!

LifeRecovery

Looking back the drinking held me in limbo for a long time. The limbo of what I did wrong to make the drinking happen. My own addiction was that a contributing factor etc.

I actually was okay with the recovery limbo as a result. I gave myself permission to not make a decisions for six months directly about the relationship. Those decisions were made for me in that time. Now that is not saying that you don't need to be safe (you and your kids do), but that the time spent in recovery for you will be valuable time to help with the bigger decisions...regardless of what you decide.

I just got crazy and part of my stinking thinking was that I had to have it all figured out that day.

Be gentle with yourself, this is a confusing time for you.

m1k3

As someone else here posted one time "unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior". Doesn't matter why he did it.

As for what to do next, for me my motto is when in doubt, wait. If I'm in doubt there is still some part of me not on board with my solution. I was separated from my wife for almost a year before I started divorce proceedings. I needed to be sure. There is nothing wrong with being patient as long as you and your boys are safe.

BTW have you considered Al-Anon? It was a great help for me in putting my focus on me rather than the alcoholic.

Your friend,

changeschoices

My therapist said she and most counselors she knows will never do couples counseling when one partner is an addict until the addict has been sober for one year. Not just "dry" but sober. The reason why is that relationship problems cannot be untangled from the addiction problems. And too often, addicts use couples counseling as a forum to blame the other person and avoid having to look at their addiction and the destruction it's done to the relationship.

Couple's counseling with an addict who hasn't been sober for at least a year would be like trying to fix the brakes on a car while there is a huge tree laying on it that has crushed it. Sure, you could try to fix the brakes but the point is, the car is crushed and that tree is still laying on it! It's not going anywhere!

Or, it's like your AH getting drunk and trying to cut down a tree and it ends up crushing the car (which is a metaphor for your marriage). It's his fault and it has happened because he was drunk. Also, the brakes are bad because you did not take it to the mechanic in time. So you go to counseling and your husband expresses his resentment toward you for not getting the car to the mechanic in time before the brakes totally went. Well, okay, but what about the fact that he crushed the car when he was drunk?

So what does he have to do? He has to never get drunk again, get the tree off the car, and get the entire car repaired. And then it would be an appropriate time for you to take responsibility and get the brakes fixed.

Couples counseling is also very bad when one partner is an abuser. And yes, emotionally and physically abusing you while drunk means he's an abuser. Non-abusers do not abuse people while drunk. Alcohol is an excuse, not a reason for abuse. Abusers in couples counseling make the relationship even more dangerous for the victim by blaming her and making her work even harder to "fix" the relationship, thus setting her up for more abuse.

Abusers are always wonderful at times, too. Otherwise, how would they keep their victims around?

Safe people do not store up their resentments and then unleash them through verbal and physical abuse when drunk. Safe people communicate clearly and lovingly.

Should you stay or should you go? Let me ask you what I asked myself, and it sounds harsh. If your husband was hit by a truck and died tomorrow, would you pick a new relationship with someone just like him, knowing that it would be tons of work and very hard and possibly end in his relapse anyway? Or would you pick someone stable and loving and non-addicted?

((HUGS)). I am so glad you and your kids have such a great place to stay, that you are making a good living from home, and that you have the support of your parents. What do they think about the situation?

EmmyG

[QUOTE=changeschoices;3424242]Abusers in couples counseling make the relationship even more dangerous for the victim by blaming her and making her work even harder to "fix" the relationship, thus setting her up for more abuse.QUOTE]

This is a really interesting point - because although he has been really forthcoming with the psychologist (she specializes in both addiction and couples therapy), we are also spending a lot of time talking about me.
I was raised in a super-strict, oppresive religion. I also have codependency issues with my mother. My brother died as a baby when I was 2, and I kind of became my mother's emotional caretaker. I've discussed these issues in the counseling sessions, and how I am a people-pleaser, and I have lied to my AH about some things in the past, which he now has resentment toward me for.

Anyway, he has had resentment toward me for five years because of lies I told. I think any husband would. I know when he gets drunk, he unleashes it on me. I understand it's couples counseling, but I feel that what he does when drunk is so extreme, that it's a HUGE issue. And his other complaint about me, that I am controlling and overbearing, is obviously directly related to his occasional drinking binges. I spend 99% of my time worried about when the next one is coming. So of course that makes me not the most easygoing, happy and supportive wife. How could I be?

The doctor, before I even got into the details of why I hate when he drinks, actually said, "Why couldn't he just have called and said 'Hi Honey, I'm drinking tonight, I think I'll get a motel instead of coming home.'" I said, "Wow," and told her that might work for some people, but not me. He is not the kind of drunk where I can have a calm phone conversation and ask him to please get a motel. I will get an angry, unreasonable, emotional, crying person saying awful things to me. That has never been an option. Even though his binges have become once a year events, when he drinks, he is ON IT. There's no stopping the drinking. He stays out drinking until he can't get anymore. There's no way I could be home and go to bed with my children peacefully, thinking he'll just come home in the morning sobered up. If he wasn't home, he'd probably be calling and harassing me.

Once I explained all of that to her, she changed her approach, but I still feel like even though a relationship is a two-way street, his behavior is kind of the huge rock on the path of us getting anywhere. Yay if he stops resenting me, and I stop being angry for what he's done to me, but that has no impact on his future drinking choices.

chronsweet

Emmy,

Gee, I heard those exact same words last night from my A. I am controlling and overbearing. When I ask, "How?" so I can think of working it out through conversation I get no 'real' answer. The answer I get is basically that he wants to be able to do whatever he wants, when he wants without any consequences. Interpretation: He wants to drink and be left alone about it. Fine. I digress, really. He can drink every single day like he does and just be alone then. I am not by any means trying to degrade your issues when I say this, but I would BE HAPPY if my A only had an occasional binge. I wish I would have seen earlier that my A does have a serious problem with alcohol and I commend you on recognizing the problem a LOT earlier than I ever did. My A drinks every.single.day. Transforms into an emotionless angry man who directs his anger at me daily. Alcoholism is progressive. It doesn't fix itself or get better. It is so painful to watch someone in the throws of this disease but it is more painful to be affected so by it.

I am looking forward to moving in with my mom. At least she will help with my son, housework and not expect me to feed her so she can feed an addiction. Your story is inspirational and I am so glad to know others have treaded the path before I and found solace in a different way of life. I am BANKING on that.

CS

changeschoices

The doctor, before I even got into the details of why I hate when he drinks, actually said, "Why couldn't he just have called and said 'Hi Honey, I'm drinking tonight, I think I'll get a motel instead of coming home.'"

I can't believe your therapist actually thinks this is a solution. People in committed relationships who love each other do not abandon the other to feed their addiction and spend the money they could be spending supporting their family on alcohol and hotel rooms! Not once a week, once a month, or once a year.

If he was a crackhead or a heroin addict, would the therapist tell him that it's okay to smoke crack or shoot up heroin AS LONG AS HE CALLS TO LET YOU KNOW FIRST? Imagine the conversation:

HIM: "Hey, honey, I won't be home to take you and the kids to the movies tonight, I'm going to be strung out in an alley with a bunch of junkies and hookers, with a needle in my arm".

YOU: "Oh, sure, honey. Thanks for letting me know so the kids and I don't worry. See you whenever you decide to come off your drug binge. We can take the kids to the park then. We won't be able to go to the movies because you will have spent all your money shooting up, but it's cool. The park is free."

This man is a father and a husband. Whatever his drug of choice is, it is not acceptable to do that to the ones he loves. I don't like your therapist.