queenteree

I posted the other day about my ex a committing suicide. My oldest son still is so upset and filled with guilt. He thinks he could have saved him n its all his fault. So anyway, today I called the detective in charge of that case. He felt so bad for my son. Said he shouldn't have to live with this guilt and there is nothing he could have done. A hqd slit his wrists n arms in 4 separate, extremely deep cuts n he died pretty quick. His cell was on a table on the charger. They are waiting on the toxicology report but think he was drunk. I went to therapy tonight, n we talked about me going to the bar, A's bar, to see if they saw him the evening of this phone call or the next day so that way my son might not harbor these feelings of guilt about saving him.
Anyway, the barmaid said he was w great guy, always happy...says she "talks to him every day in her car" now that he's gone. She thinks he probably did it cause he loet his job at the golf course.

I came home and told my son this, that he seemed happy, had his bar friends and others he could have went to if he wanted to be saved. Son doesn't understand this and of course says his father wasn't happy, he lost everything and had nothing left. I said what we perceive is nothing might not be perceived as nothing by his father.

I am just so angry right now that up until his last day he knew how to work his son. How selfish can one be? My son has painted a picture of my ex a as a depressed man who sat alone in his room till he couldn't take it anymore, which was not the case. I will get passed this, its still new, but any esh anyone can offer is appreciated. Thanks.

LaTeeDa

My father committed suicide when I was 12. (Actually, I found out much later in life that he was likely murdered and it was made to look like suicide, but that's a whole nother post) I was so angry for so long. How could he just abandon me like that? How could he say he loved me and then off himself? How selfish! It took me years to work through the anger and grief. Your son must work through his own grief in his own time and his own way. Just as you must work through yours.

As much as we'd all like to believe that we are superheroes who can save someone else's life, it's just not so. None of us is that powerful. And sometimes the realization that we are just flawed human beings trying to do the best we can.....well, it hurts. Bargaining is a stage of grief. The past cannot be undone, but sometimes we have to go there on the journey to acceptance.

No one can ever know what was in your AH's mind when he made the decision to end it. That's between him and his higher power.

Please be gentle with yourself and know that you are doing and have done the best you can.

L

Spiritual Seeker

Hopefully your son can is able to go to therapy as well. Eventually maybe the two of you go together so the legacy is that your relationship is a mutually supportive one.

queenteree

Thanks LTD n spiritual seeker. My son is going to start therapy next week. He's usually a very level headed guy, very spiritual n for the past 3 years we have been a constant source of support for each other. Last year God blessed him with a wonderful woman who is just as spiritual and grounded as he is/was and we are very close as well. God also blessed me 1 1/2 years ago with a great guy who is supportive, wise, and my very best friend and confidant who helps keep me grounded. My granddaughters are happy and there is no chaos in our home. Even now, we won't let this affect us in a negative manner, but I guess its all new and emotions are raw. I know together we will all get thru this...and I know these are natural emotions we must work thru...
Thank you all for your words of wisdom and constant support. You all here, plus therapy, spirituality, and the love my family has will get us thru this eventually...