Eliasson

My best friend (who drinks at least a big bottle of wine a night) and I had a big falling out. I never have fights with my friends and I'm devastated. I knew this would happen if I got sober. In fact, part of what has made me the Queen of Relapse is that I've been so afraid that if I stay stopped I'll isolate myself from my hard drinking husband and my best friends. So I always just start drinking again, because it's just not worth that to me.
I don't want to start again, I really want to make it stick this time, but I feel so isolated and alone. So far I just haven't made the kinds of friends in the program that I had out there. I have one true friend who is sober and that is it. Somewhere in the Big Book it says "we are people who otherwise would not mix" and that has proven to be true. All is fine in the meetings themselves but finding true friends to hang out with outside of meetings has been difficult at best.
I am in tears I am so scared of being alone and so hurt by my friends attack.

jobei

If you're fighting with a "friend" perhaps you should step back and ask why? This is something that I have never quite understood about relationships. I've struggled to understand why fighting has always been apart of my relationships. Being sober now and looking back on it... I realize that before I started drinking I really didn't fight with any of the people close to me... even girlfriends. I feel that it is rooted deeply in the fact that when I drink my empathy is removed. Empathy being a key component to being a good friend / partner. I've been working on my empathy a lot lately by trying to help out people when they need it and by listening instead of talking. I imagine that you never fight with your sober friend?

Sapling

That means that we do mix...Outside of AA we probably wouldn't. How many meetings have you been to?....Do you show up early and talk before meetings...Stay after and talk...Maybe ask someone if they'd like to join you for a coffee? I found the more I showed up...The more I was accepted...I have lots of new friends....Not people that drink a bottle of wine a night....I can't be around people like that....That's poison for me.

gordano

Hi Eliasson, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I know exactly where you are coming from because I have lost all my friends but one since I started this journey. It was extremely lonely at first, but I realized that my life was much better sober. It will take time, but you soon make friends that are a positive influence on your life. Joining a social support group like AA will make this transition smoother. If your old friends are not willing to accept the sober you, they honestly they aren't worth your time.

Elisabeth888

Do you have a sponsor? Mine knows everyone it seems and has small group BB studies at different peoples' houses and we go out to lunch/dinner and such.

Start using that phone list. It sucks calling people you don't know but it is the only way to make a support network. Out of that network you will make friends.

It still feels weird making new friends sober, but I continue to do it and it is pretty cool.

Threshold

Eliasson,

Hang in there. I understand how much you are hurting, I've been in your shoes. I also understand lonely, and being afraid it won't end.

I would ask you to think about this.

Many situations in our lives lead to us losing friends.

Graduation, moves, job changes, falling out, divorce,deaths, having kids, NOT having kids, growing up, etc etc.

We make new friends.

We don't stop living and doing what we need to do. It is sad that we are not able to keep all our friends forever, but that is life. and we DO make new friends.

Of course you hurt over this, as anyone would.

But beyond the hurt, remember we DO make new friends.

I am NOT speaking our my arse here. Since I got into recovery I lost my best friend due to some of my choices, my husband divorced me, I was "stranded" 2000 miles from my home of 12 yrs, with no friends, family etc...and no NA meetings. yet...here I am. We DO make new friends.

That doesn't mean we don't miss the old ones, and mourn the loss of friendships. But an open heart can love again.

hugs.

endlesspatience

I am with you on this and it's got me in trouble too. I have a two fold approach to this now. Firstly, I pledge to work harder at making and keeping friends from the Fellowship. That means regular contact and reaching out as well as arriving early to meetings and perhaps doing the washing up afterwards or taking a service commitment (greeter for example). Secondly, I have written down a list of all the friends I have who don't drink, or at least who are moderate and sensible with their drinking. I have emailed them one by one, suggesting picnics, trips to the cinema, dinner etc. In fact, I bought a new address book and update it regularly so that I can monitor how it's going. All relationships need work but when I was drinking I didn't put any real effort in. And I wondered why I was lonely and isolated. Simple answer: I didn't work at it. I plan to change that.

1983ritag

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I understand. I had to distance myself from my best friend in the very beginning. We were so toxic for each other, not seeing her for a few months was the only way I'd stay sober. She doesn't drink, but our relationship was very co-dependant. When I realized I had to stay away from her in order to get sober, I was devastated. I felt like it was a double loss. 2 things I depended on were cut out of my life. I kept my distance for a few months and gradually started seeing her again. I set boundaries and made sure she knew I was no longer drinking. I know we both have our faults. I can only fix my own. Taking a break from each other was definitely the best thing we could have done for our relationship. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. Letting go of people is a hard thing to do, sometimes it's necessary though. Hang in there! If you have no one else right now, you always have us! Feel free to pm if you ever just need to chat. I hope you have a better day

Anna

It`s really hard in early recovery and there are hard choices to make. I had to remove a few people from my life when I stopped drinking and, even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I felt the loss. The interesting and unexpected thing that happened was that two amazing women came into my life. They both became dear friends and one of them was a true mentor. I realized that I might not have had room in my life for these two women, had I not removed some others.

OklaBH

Im with you. When you find out let me know. My husband drinks & he isnt going to stop. I have no friends (Ive managed to run all of them off) so I dont have to worry about that! LOL

Dee74

I'm not sure whether this was just a fight or a complete break....but I think change brings growth eliasson...and recovery meant I was more authentic - I was the real me.

I had two settings when drinking - belligerent and argumentative (where your friend might be at) or docile....I used to go along with whatever mostly cos I was low in self esteem and usually too drunk to care.

I like caring now

Not everyone will want to come with us on the journey as we change our lives, and thats ok - I found my real friends did ...and I made some fantastic new ones to boot.

I stayed drinking for years because I didn't want to leave my friends - I'm glad I did in the end because not only did I find a life I love but I found a me I love too

D