LoveMeNow

I am have been going to more meetings, seeing a therapist and reading my ala-non book, codependent no more and courage to change.

My AH has been clean for a couple of weeks...he says Day 8 because that is when he decided to embrace his recovery and the NA way of life seriously. He has read his NA book 3 times, now has his highlighter out, going to at least 2 meetings a day and has a close support group of long term recovery addicts that he is reaching out to and they are really supporting him through this. He is tapering off suboxone because he now feels that is isn't being clean and doesn't want bad withdrawals.

My husband has never really been a follower or easily influenced but he holds these 3 guys in such a high esteem. He had a tough 30 mins the other day, he called them and after the meeting, they all met for coffee to talk. Although he hasn't known them long, he says he has never felt close like this to any of his other friends. In many ways, I have never seen him happier, more determined and I am very happy for him.

I am in my own recovery and he is in his. Sometimes, we meet up after meetings and go to dinner, or he stops over and we talk. But its all about HIM still. He pretends to listen to me but I know he is just waiting for his turn to talk again. I have never heard him talk so much in all years we have known each other combined. When I pointed this out to him, he asked me to patient, he admits his selfish addict ways are going to take a while to change.

I am not complaining about his efforts. I am happy for him. But he feels the need to be very honest and doesn't realize that some of his past secrets he is sharing are making me angry.

I am struggling to keep my balance on MY recovery. I can not allow it to be all about him. In the past, I would have really embraced this but not now. We both now understand why its important to keep some distance while in recovery but we also want to spend time together.

How can a recovery codie and a recovery addict have find balance?

We did have a lot of fun this past weekend, but its because we were busy. It's the whole talking thing (lol) that is throwing my off. He is so excited about his recovery and I really don't want to hear about it all the time. It is HIS. I have tried to explain this to him but he looks like a wounded puppy, can't understand why I am not more enthusiastic. I don't want my codie ways start to kick in. Any suggestions??

Kindeyes

It's really good that he is embracing his recovery. It's also really good that you recognize the need for balance! Baby steps. Nothing is going to happen any faster if you (he) push it. His recovery time so far is the equivalent of a grain of sand on the beach. Time.....takes time.

It sounds like he is perhaps trying to rush through some of the steps and I think that's pretty normal. It's great that he is making good friends and making great efforts. I hope this continues for him.

You are very smart to recognize your need to stay focused on your own recovery. Are you making some good connections with people in your meetings? Do you have people you can call when you're having difficulties? A sponsor? Having great contacts is as important for you as it is for him.

One day at a time......

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

Thank you KE for your reply. And you are right on the money again. His sponsor did tell him to slow down. It's a lifetime commitment and it will take time.

I am the turtle! I take too much time. I do have a temporary sponsor and a couple of people I can call. But I don't feel like I have a support group like he has. But I do have a great therapist, who I see today, so that's a positive thing. I have been going to the same alanon meetings, same location, mostly the same people and its a little far from where I live. I think I need to branch out more and attend different ones too. We don't have many Naranon meetings in our area and they are pretty far away. However, it is growing.

I had things very confused. I wanted to feel empowered. The old "I am woman, hear me roar" mentality. My sponsor said NO, its about your serenity. Stay focused on that. She saw the whole empowerment attitude as more of a control issue for me. Hmmmmmmmm....... Very confusing!! She said set boundaries, allow him talk for 15 mins, then I talk for 15....and if doesn't respect the boundaries, I could just politely leave. Oh another mistake we both are making, we are sharing way too much. Let him work his and let me work mine. Its hard not to want to share what you have learned but I am going limit it. I hardly ever share about my therapist appointments so I will keep that attitude. They are 2 very different recoveries and should not get intermingled! She had made the same mistake early on too and it wasn't very productive.

I think we are both codependent and are afraid we will grow apart in our recoveries so we are trying to stay connected by sharing and its not healthy. He told me about how some of the guys, got clean, changed their lives and then their marriages broke up. We both said we didn't want that and are probably making too many mistakes to avoid that. The "just for today" thinking really works for us...and we both need to focus on that more.

Also, I have 3 close friends that keep me grounded but at times are a little negative about his recovery chances. Of course, they are just being honest, sharing their own painful experiences and don't want me to get hurt again. So I love and respect them for caring and just being there for me.

P.S. I must be a slow leaner because I am still learning that - Nobody said life (recovery) would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

allforcnm

LMN.

I was wondering if you could tell me what its like to go to a meeting and how it makes you feel only in general terms Im not trying to be nosy about your recovery.
I have read above in the stickies, but I have never been to one. Backtrack a little, way back when I was researching rehabiliatation centers for the chance that one day my husband would reach out and ask for help, I read about the twelve steps and all that, but it was something that I couldnt get into. One of my main things was it didnt seem like a good idea for him to be going to all these meetings and spending time with lots of other people who are recovering from addiction and they said it was ongoing forever. I want him to go back to a normal life you know. I picked out one that focused on individual treatment instead and I still feel good about that, but I was talking to the family therapist at my husbands rehab, and she was telling me that I could go to meetings in my area if I wanted to meet other people and talk, share whats going on even if I didnt practice the twelve step approach. I have been thinking about that but I dont want to go and get depressed. I mean basically it seems like a support group, and sometimes i think it would be nice to talk face to face with others that have been in a similiar situation, but I think the purpose is supposed to be greater than that, so Im a little confused if you have to really get a sponsor and follow rules and all that type of thing.

LoveMeNow

Alfons -

I am going to be very honest and blunt....not to be rude.....just so I can drive the point home.

First, your husband's recovery is a life long process. Most (and I mean most) need to still go to NA after rehab. I suggest you read the poem "I am your disease." It really hit home for me. Recovery is like exercising or dieting. It only works if you are working it. There are no short cuts.

And it's time we both accept the fact, that the % of addicts who recover are slim. Your addict isn't special. Your rehab isn't special and your love can not save him. So be prepared to spend many nights alone, while he is working on him. He needs to! Or you can spend many nights alone, while he high, lying, stealing and manipulating. It's one or the other! Ask 99% any recovering addict on this sight!!

The fact that your posts (like mine and many others) is all about him, his addiction, his recovery speaks volume. You, like me, are very codependent. He is your drug of choice. You need to get healthy too. Alanon will teach self care. How to keep the focus on yourself not him and his problems and how to live your life in a healthy way.

This is the time to start. Put your energies into yourself so you can be healthy and raise an emotionally healthy child. Put the energies into you that you have put into him. You and your baby are worth it.

Also, finding a therapist is good start too. He has his own therapists and you should have yours. He is not the only sick one in this relationship and if you can't do this for yourself right now, KNOW THIS, your relationship will be miserable at best with even just 1 unhealthy person in it and that beautiful baby of yours will pay a huge price.

Have you even picked up Codependent No More? Like me, I suspect he is NOT the first man you have had a hard time letting go of. He is NOT the first man that was your drug of choice. And this will remain a pattern for the rest of your life, if you don't work on it NOW!!

P.S. He will like the changes in you so let that be a motivator to start. Not healthy but it will get you there and you will start to feel the difference and he will not be your motivating reason anymore. YOU will, your child will!

You have the time, you have the resources, you have help with your baby...YOU really have no excuse.......

bluebelle

Eight days is really not that long. My RABF has been clean from pain pills for over 2 1/2 years. His first year was up and down. He struggled with energy and motivation. He had depended on the pain pills to deal with emotions and to give him energy and focus for a long time. It took him a lot of hard work to get through that first year.

I'm saying this because it is good for you to stay focused on yourself and your own recovery. Your AH's mood and energy will probably fluctuate up and down. You can't see into the future (as much as you'd like to). You can't predict the future of your relationhip or the future of his recovery.

It sounds like you are doing well with your counseling and program of recovery. As you keep focusing on that, things will get better for you. I think that boundaries are good. You don't have to listen to him go on and on. That's what his group is for. If he needs somebody else to listen to him, he can get a psychiatrist.

allforcnm

LMN: I think you indirectly answered my questions about the meetings, what you get from them, the outlook the family sessions encourage and all that. Thank you for sharing.

But, please don’t take the opportunity to preach, make negative generalizations about my life, and tell me what I need for myself, my baby, or my husband.

I wish you and your husband the best in your separate lifelong recoveries.

lightseeker

Lovemenot....

I know that when my now ex husband first got sober that our separate counselors stated that for us "to work" we both had to work an equally strong recovery program. We actually had to put our relationship on hold. The relationships that he and I both needed to develop were with ourselves and then others in our respective programs. It wasn't until we both had a year of recovery and individual therapy under our belts that the counselors agreed that marital counseling could be started.

We definitely were involved with one another during that first year but our relationship was really put on hold. There were lots of really tough times and you hit the nail on the head regarding the over sharing. I had a whole lot to learn about setting my boundaries. I was so afraid that I might trigger him that I really can see how I pandered to him (at least initially).

If both people really work a strong recovery then you will likely see a lot of growth. I know that it was really scary to me that that growth might mean that we would grow apart. It helped to have my Naranon group and my counselor as we went through that period in our lives.

It was sometimes difficult to watch intimacy develop between my husband and others in his program when I was so longing for intimacy with him. I knew though that it was important for both of us to do what we were doing.

I decided to really commit to my own recovery and work the one that I wanted my husband to work. I figured that no matter what happened I would be better off in the long run for working on myself. I'm so glad that I spent every hour in "the chairs" that I did and began to learn about serenity and emotional sobriety.

Once I began to know what that felt like I realized how much I wanted to live my life that way. I really learned a lot about boundaries and appreciate all of the people (sponsors and friends in recovery) that shared their experience, strength, and hope. What I finally learned that all of that ESH was about and for me - not whether my relationship was going to work out or not. It helped when I finally approached my own recovery as being for me and not what I needed to do to help our relationship survive.

I know that this time can be confusing and frustrating....let alone painful and lonely. But I really believe that saying in the rooms....it works if you work it.

LoveMeNow

Thank you BlueBelle and Lightseeker for your replies, information and reminders.

I have no idea where his recovery efforts will lead him but I do KNOW where mine will lead me. I want what many people here and at alanon have. I want to cross "the bridge" that KE described. (I have to find that post again). Keeping that visual in my mind gives me strength and motivation.

Allforcmn - I apologize if I offended you. That was not my intention. It's your life and you are entitled to live it anyway you want.

lightseeker

Anvil.....that statement "why don't you call your sponsor, I can't help you with that" became my favorite phrase. And when he quit having a sponsor that should have been my cue for exiting the situation a whole lot sooner than I did.