forabetterlife

Today is yet another day one, but I did do something different this time. I told my daughter that I would not be drinking anymore because its not good for me or for us and that I want to be a good role model. I apologized to her for not having done this sooner. I was sober for 21 days in April and feeling on top of the world. Then, as an old love crept back into my life making promises that got me looking forward to having the life I always imagined with him, I started feeling myself lose what mattered most. I stopped exercising and started drinking again (not with him, he does not drink). I slowly lost myself and my priorities, getting wrapped up in whirlwind of his love and all his promises. And drinking, I told myself, was what I needed to release the anxiety and the pressure I felt to keep him happy - this time. Then, just four days ago, he pulled the rug out from under me, changed his mind (again), and walked out of my life as quickly as he walked in. I drank and sulked and cried for four days. I am done with that. I am better than that.

So, I have made a decision to release myself from two chains that bind me from being my best and living my best life: alcohol and him. Sometimes the person that we think is best for us, is really destructive to our souls. I don't blame him, it is simply a dynamic that we have that has now become more hurtful than love. Some people bring out the crazies in us and we allow them to take away our peace.

Today is very hard. My stomach is in knots, I am scared of letting him go completely, even in my own mind. My head is full of confusing memories and conversations, and it just makes me want to drink to push it all away.

But, I will not drink today. I know from experience and from reading all of your experiences, that it gets better and easier, and thoughts and feeling of drinking diminish little by little and we begin to feel stronger and stronger. I truly feel like my strength and confidence were ripped right out of me this past month. But I allowed it to happen. This time around I will not let anyone or anything steal my resolve, or my commitment to do what is right.
The first day is just like going through the motions, nothing feels good, it's a struggle. But I know I just need to get through today and tomorrow I will wake up feeling much better.

Thank you to anyone who reads my babbling emails and offers support and advice. Sometimes just coming on here and reading and posting is just all I can do to keep myself going. It's the only thing that makes me feel better, maybe because I know I'm not alone.

I just feel like I allowed my life to be turned upside, again, by someone who has done it before. And I am furious at myself for giving up on sobriety, something that was feeling so amazing. I want that feeling back, I want the hurt to go away, not from getting drunk, but from time, and just natural healing and taking care of myself.

I know I have made promises and had many day ones, but I can't give up. I know from reading your posts, and how I felt last month, that what is out there when we remove alcohol from our lives, is worth fighting for.

Dee74

welcome back

Sounds like you've made a good choice to leave both the drink and this guy behind

Exercise is good too....but sometimes I think we need more to make recovery stick?

whats your support network like?

D

Sapling

Good for you for getting through day one...You might want to take it easy on relationships for awhile...Concentrate on yourself and your recovery. Especially with this guy. He sounds like he makes you drink when he shows up...And makes you drink when he leaves....That's not good. Take care of yourself...Take it a day at a time...And come here for support. Do what you have to do to not drink....Just don't pick up the first one.

Deserto

I'm really impressed by the self-reflection and self-knowledge in your post! It sounds like you've gained a lot of clarity through this experience, both in regards to this man and to alcohol. That's a good thing, and it seems to me like you're making a great decision by moving on from both. You know from experience how good it can be after just three weeks sober -- and it gets even better from there. Stick with it, and do everything you have to do to stay sober -- I believe you can do it.

Luling

Ditto on what Deserto said. You can do this!

Anna

I'm glad you're back and working on your recovery.

Saying good-bye to this guy is a good choice.

forabetterlife

Dee..you guys are my support for now. I have tried AA and did not feel comfortable, but it might be worth another try. And Sapling....you hit the nail right on the head. Logically it doesn't make sense that he triggers me to drink because he knows I have a problem and have never drank with him. But I often hid it. He is definatley a trigger for me to not only drink, but lose my perspective. So, I know I need to let go.
Thanks for the support, I really, really need it right now...tough nite all around.

Sapling

Just hang in there...One thing you do know...Drinking makes nothing better.