Hello again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
Hello again
This is a hard post to write. I've been in denial that I needed to be here, that I needed to reach out. I didn't want this to be my reality.
I joined Soberrecovery 3 years ago when my ABF suddenly walked out on me. One day he loved me, the next day he didn't.
I spend the next month crying, freaking out, just desperate and in shock, so I dragged myself to Alanon and to therapy and just survived. After a couple of months, I was feeling a little stronger, a little calmer and I was at least coping.
Well, fast forward: I took him back. I was in a better place, he was doing some good work and things seemed so happy and right.
It's strange because I think that the strength that I gained from Alanon helped me find some kind of peace with my issues with his drinking. I detached and just let him get on with his life and we were quite happy. Fast forward again and about 6 months ago, he started feeling depressed and seemed to be plunging into a midlife crisis. I felt ok with just being there while he figured his stuff out, but I think he started associating our domestic life with feeling old and sad, and he suddenly (again) announced the day before yesterday that he was leaving, packed a car load of stuff and drove away.
I'm sitting here in a stunned and shocked silence, in our house, with our dogs, with our bills to pay, with my future completely altered. It feels like a grenade went off in the house.
And I feel stupid for feeling shocked. I know that addicts can do this. But I didn't think that HE would do this. What a cliche.
I'm embarrassed, devastated and exhausted.
So hello again Soberrecovery. Hopefully this time I'll be a better student.
I joined Soberrecovery 3 years ago when my ABF suddenly walked out on me. One day he loved me, the next day he didn't.
I spend the next month crying, freaking out, just desperate and in shock, so I dragged myself to Alanon and to therapy and just survived. After a couple of months, I was feeling a little stronger, a little calmer and I was at least coping.
Well, fast forward: I took him back. I was in a better place, he was doing some good work and things seemed so happy and right.
It's strange because I think that the strength that I gained from Alanon helped me find some kind of peace with my issues with his drinking. I detached and just let him get on with his life and we were quite happy. Fast forward again and about 6 months ago, he started feeling depressed and seemed to be plunging into a midlife crisis. I felt ok with just being there while he figured his stuff out, but I think he started associating our domestic life with feeling old and sad, and he suddenly (again) announced the day before yesterday that he was leaving, packed a car load of stuff and drove away.
I'm sitting here in a stunned and shocked silence, in our house, with our dogs, with our bills to pay, with my future completely altered. It feels like a grenade went off in the house.
And I feel stupid for feeling shocked. I know that addicts can do this. But I didn't think that HE would do this. What a cliche.
I'm embarrassed, devastated and exhausted.
So hello again Soberrecovery. Hopefully this time I'll be a better student.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 37
(((welcomeback)))
I can relate, though I'm on the first ride. I still cannot accept my reality- only a few months aware- and I even have days when I feel foolish for thinking I can't handle this, that I'm blowing everything out of proportion. Wrong. It's a cliche because it happens to a lot of us! don't blame yourself for hoping it would work out- hope can be a good thing sometimes.
Give yourself some alone time to process what has just happened- i wouldn't make any big decisions right now in case they get made out of frustration or anger. Stay close to the forum if you can- it helps me keep my head on straight when it seems like my whole world is melting away.
I can relate, though I'm on the first ride. I still cannot accept my reality- only a few months aware- and I even have days when I feel foolish for thinking I can't handle this, that I'm blowing everything out of proportion. Wrong. It's a cliche because it happens to a lot of us! don't blame yourself for hoping it would work out- hope can be a good thing sometimes.
Give yourself some alone time to process what has just happened- i wouldn't make any big decisions right now in case they get made out of frustration or anger. Stay close to the forum if you can- it helps me keep my head on straight when it seems like my whole world is melting away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
Thanks AlreadyAlone. I really need that sane strong logical voice in my head to take over right now. The grieving voice is so overwhelming. He's going to be moving his things out over the next couple of days and I'm trying so hard to hang on and get through this. It feels like a nightmare.I have to keep remembering that if he stayed, he would still have a problem and there's nothing I can do about that. Praying for strength!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome back free.
We are here to support you at this difficult time.
So now that you have shared your ABF agenda, perhaps in the upcoming days you can share yours. Time to turn the focus to you.
We truly cannot control the actions of an alkie. Their actions are what causes us all the uncertainty, turmoil, and pain. Now that he has shown you who is really is, believe him.
The rollercoaster is no place to live.
As they say around here let go or be dragged.
Hugs)))
We are here to support you at this difficult time.
So now that you have shared your ABF agenda, perhaps in the upcoming days you can share yours. Time to turn the focus to you.
We truly cannot control the actions of an alkie. Their actions are what causes us all the uncertainty, turmoil, and pain. Now that he has shown you who is really is, believe him.
The rollercoaster is no place to live.
As they say around here let go or be dragged.
Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
Thanks Marie. I hear what you're saying - that this is all about him. That's how it feels because nothing has changed in my life apart from him taking this drastic action that I have no control over. I do feel like I'm being blown around in a storm. I wish I knew how to feel like I knew what to focus on in MY life. All I know to do is to get myself to work, look after my kid and survive, moment to moment. I'm so resentful that his plan for his life has taken over completely and changed my life, which I'm not feeling at all empowered or creative about at the moment. I feel abandoned and rejected by the man who was my best friend. I picked the wrong best friend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Oh Free108,
Hugs)))))
Your happiness and well being does not come from another person. It's something that lives inside you. Time to ask yourself why you are dependant on this man for your happiness ????
Change begins with you, my friend.
Hugs)))))
Your happiness and well being does not come from another person. It's something that lives inside you. Time to ask yourself why you are dependant on this man for your happiness ????
Change begins with you, my friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
Yes, I will. There's one tomorrow in my area at 6pm. I'll go. Just have to get through the next couple of days. He's packing today and moving out tomorrow. I'll make sure i'm not here. It's hard to get to work though, I just want to hide in my bed.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: United States
Posts: 6
Hi Free108,
I'm going thru the same thing, except I'm moving out. My AH had a major melt down last week, he "broke up" with me, ask me to leave the house and to get my stuff out. Two days later while he was at work I got most of my stuff out of the house, it is now all boxed waiting for movers. It's so hard, then he came home early from work and was just devasted that I moved my stuff out. It's like he didn't even remember telling me it was over. I'm staying with family in Portland, triing to get a grip. But between the criing and just plain missing him I'm in a fog. But I'm making myself move forward and I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I can't depend on my AH anymore, he don't even remember what he says anymore. Luckly for me my Nephew is getting married in July and needs alot of help with wedding stuff, so I will be going back to Idaho this weekend and move my stuff into storage for now. Try to take the summer to get my mojo back.
But I just want my man back, without the beer. I've stepped off the rollorcoaster kind of, but it does tear your heart out! Hang in there,
learning to dance in the storm
I'm going thru the same thing, except I'm moving out. My AH had a major melt down last week, he "broke up" with me, ask me to leave the house and to get my stuff out. Two days later while he was at work I got most of my stuff out of the house, it is now all boxed waiting for movers. It's so hard, then he came home early from work and was just devasted that I moved my stuff out. It's like he didn't even remember telling me it was over. I'm staying with family in Portland, triing to get a grip. But between the criing and just plain missing him I'm in a fog. But I'm making myself move forward and I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I can't depend on my AH anymore, he don't even remember what he says anymore. Luckly for me my Nephew is getting married in July and needs alot of help with wedding stuff, so I will be going back to Idaho this weekend and move my stuff into storage for now. Try to take the summer to get my mojo back.
But I just want my man back, without the beer. I've stepped off the rollorcoaster kind of, but it does tear your heart out! Hang in there,
learning to dance in the storm
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
Hi Peace. Looks like we're in a similar turmoil. I also just want my man back without the beer (and wine and tequila. lol). I have to remember what you said about stepping off the roller coaster. Feels like I just stepped on it!
I really appreciate everyone's support. This forum really helps keep my thinking a little straighter. Doesn't last long, I slip after a few minutes. Looking forward to feeling more solid.
I really appreciate everyone's support. This forum really helps keep my thinking a little straighter. Doesn't last long, I slip after a few minutes. Looking forward to feeling more solid.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I cant tell you how many times I had grenades go off. And each time, I said, "How could this happen. "
We dont believe things can be that easy for the addict. But they have dfferent brains, are driven by different things.
Dont beat yourself up. Get back into your own recovery.
We dont believe things can be that easy for the addict. But they have dfferent brains, are driven by different things.
Dont beat yourself up. Get back into your own recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: United States
Posts: 6
Looking forward to feeling more solid.
Me too Free, on minute I'm fine, then the next criing like a baby, (which is what I'm doing right now) right now it's not one day at a time, it's one minute at a time. I'm
hoping by this weekend I'm at least able to smile a bit and see some joy in life. "This to will pass" or I keep telling myself
Me too Free, on minute I'm fine, then the next criing like a baby, (which is what I'm doing right now) right now it's not one day at a time, it's one minute at a time. I'm
hoping by this weekend I'm at least able to smile a bit and see some joy in life. "This to will pass" or I keep telling myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
Oh my goodness, Peace2767, this is exactly how I feel today. I was kind of horrified that it was one minute at a time, not even one hour at a time. Had such a hard time at work. Just kept breathing. It feels like grief. You know, when you can't argue with death so you feel trapped. There's no negotiating, no persuading. Sometimes I'm angry, but on the verge of tears all the time. Can't see my future, so trying not to think about it and it's terribly quiet in my house.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: United States
Posts: 6
Yay, when Robert asked me to leave the house I went out to my little place in the country, the quite was just to much, I'm so lucky that my family (Nephew) is dealing with a wedding on the 7th of July. They have to little ones, 4 & 6, so between the kids and wedding stuff I'm triing to stay busy. Already dreading going back to Idaho. Hoping that I can at least get thru getting the stuff out of the garage without criing to much. That's the only future I'm looking at right now, after that I will give myself time to heal.
But the "stuipd" thing is in the back of my mind I hope that when I get there he will tell me that he is done with drinking and going into rehab. But 98% of me knows that's just a silly dream, but still not where I can just not hope that we get thru this. He's such a special man... Maybe do you have a girlfriend or family members place you can go stay for the weekend, get out of the house for a while? Even go on a day trip, go see something that you've always wanted to... eat at a cute little dinner, or my favorite, get a subway and go find a nice place to sit out in nature...
But the "stuipd" thing is in the back of my mind I hope that when I get there he will tell me that he is done with drinking and going into rehab. But 98% of me knows that's just a silly dream, but still not where I can just not hope that we get thru this. He's such a special man... Maybe do you have a girlfriend or family members place you can go stay for the weekend, get out of the house for a while? Even go on a day trip, go see something that you've always wanted to... eat at a cute little dinner, or my favorite, get a subway and go find a nice place to sit out in nature...
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