Called police Saturday night, 1st time.
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Called police Saturday night, 1st time.
Am I ready to admit he is an alcoholic now? I will preface this long post with the fact that I know things will not get better until he seeks help for himself. I recognize the abuse both emotional, verbal and physical. Though I know I do not deserve it, I do so wish he would help himself and be the man I loved again.
Saturday night after an argument (I asked him to stop clicking his fingernail on his teeth - and it began) AH left the house, said he was going to Louisiana "to get his drink on" (no blue laws there), then called back saying he wasn't coming home that weekend or ever, that he hates me, I'm a disease, horrible things. Then he comes home anyway, and asks me when I'm leaving, says we're going to figure this out tonight. I try to stay out of his way and prep the second bedroom to sleep in there, saying I'm tired.
Long story short, he kept taking my phone away from me, wanting to see what was in it and threatening to break it in half, and at one point grabbed me by the back of the neck and took me to the floor. He had already grabbed my arm, shoved me, pushed me down to the floor in the attempts to keep me away from my phone, so he could look through it. One of the times he took it, I had 911 prompted just in case, as he had already been violent. He saw that and said "Oh 911? No, no I don't think so. In fact I'm going to hang on to this while I get my things packed to make sure you can't call." I reminded him I could always call from next door. Anyhow.
Eventually he throws my phone to me and without thinking I grabbed it, shakily made it down the stairs and outside and called the police. He didn't know for sure I was calling them, but left while I was on the phone. Once he had left he called me repeatedly, left me a voicemail and texted me and I picked up finally. His voicemail and his text was very rational, but had the tone of powerlessness and maybe fear, like he was afraid of being caught. He asked me to "please not make him a criminal" of this county. Anyhow. I filed the report, and he called me again once the cop was there and after. I picked up again (mistake) and he said we needed to talk about how to dissolve this relationship, that he told me a month ago how he felt and I wanted to "live in a fantasy world" and pretend I didn't hear it.
Next morning he came by to get his stuff, but then started to apologize and said he didn't mean what he did, that no one deserves that kind of treatment, especially me, and that it probably didn't change the way I felt about him but so be it. He seemed contrite, and sat down to talk and listen to me cry and tell him I didn't know what to do anymore. Then he asked if I had called the police on him. I said "Well here's the thing - if I did, then everything you just said goes out the window" "No it doesn't - I'm sorry! I really am sorry!" "Okay well if I didn't, you'll just go back to how you were treating me. Ignoring me, pretending I'm not here, not looking at me, talking to me, touching me." He just stared back at me and didn't even blink, there was a long silence. So I told him. "I did call the police." He straightened up and got his wallet and keys, and said the conversation had shifted - it "had been about reconciliation" but not anymore. He said I wasn't on his team anymore, that "Team (us)" no longer existed. He was crying and asking if I really wanted him to go to jail.
A few phone calls since then, in a couple he had clearly been drinking. I notice a huge difference in him when he hasn't been drinking. In the mornings he is contrite and sorry and explains his true intentions. But, it seems his main concern is not the hurt he has caused me - if it is, he is not voicing that - but of being arrested and going to jail.
When I came home today after my meeting he was here, putting things in his truck. I didn't say anything but he just said "I'm just packing up some work clothes." We just looked at each other, and he said he had to go back to work. It's so much harder when I'm around him, when I see him - when he's not drinking I see him, and not the disease. I see the man I love and want to tell him I'm sorry and that I love him.
When I called the police it was not to punish him or tattle - I was scared and it was done without thinking, almost an automatic reaction to get him to stop, to get someone to help me. I had no time to think about him going to jail, of possibly losing his job. I do not want that.
So, at this point, I am considering going to the police station to ask about dropping the charges. I know that even if I pressed charges that I would not be creating consequences for him - or would I? Maybe I don't know. But I am not up for testifying and dragging this out and making things more difficult than they have to be. Part of it is that it's not as if he say, gave me a black eye, hit me in the face, or caused injury to me other than a bruise (that I feel but can't see). There were marks on my neck that disappeared within the two hours after the incident. As far as divorce - there are residency requirements in this state, so it appears I would have to stay here another four months. Also, it may not be up to me - he may just decide to leave me regardless.
Thank you all for your time in reading this very long post.
Saturday night after an argument (I asked him to stop clicking his fingernail on his teeth - and it began) AH left the house, said he was going to Louisiana "to get his drink on" (no blue laws there), then called back saying he wasn't coming home that weekend or ever, that he hates me, I'm a disease, horrible things. Then he comes home anyway, and asks me when I'm leaving, says we're going to figure this out tonight. I try to stay out of his way and prep the second bedroom to sleep in there, saying I'm tired.
Long story short, he kept taking my phone away from me, wanting to see what was in it and threatening to break it in half, and at one point grabbed me by the back of the neck and took me to the floor. He had already grabbed my arm, shoved me, pushed me down to the floor in the attempts to keep me away from my phone, so he could look through it. One of the times he took it, I had 911 prompted just in case, as he had already been violent. He saw that and said "Oh 911? No, no I don't think so. In fact I'm going to hang on to this while I get my things packed to make sure you can't call." I reminded him I could always call from next door. Anyhow.
Eventually he throws my phone to me and without thinking I grabbed it, shakily made it down the stairs and outside and called the police. He didn't know for sure I was calling them, but left while I was on the phone. Once he had left he called me repeatedly, left me a voicemail and texted me and I picked up finally. His voicemail and his text was very rational, but had the tone of powerlessness and maybe fear, like he was afraid of being caught. He asked me to "please not make him a criminal" of this county. Anyhow. I filed the report, and he called me again once the cop was there and after. I picked up again (mistake) and he said we needed to talk about how to dissolve this relationship, that he told me a month ago how he felt and I wanted to "live in a fantasy world" and pretend I didn't hear it.
Next morning he came by to get his stuff, but then started to apologize and said he didn't mean what he did, that no one deserves that kind of treatment, especially me, and that it probably didn't change the way I felt about him but so be it. He seemed contrite, and sat down to talk and listen to me cry and tell him I didn't know what to do anymore. Then he asked if I had called the police on him. I said "Well here's the thing - if I did, then everything you just said goes out the window" "No it doesn't - I'm sorry! I really am sorry!" "Okay well if I didn't, you'll just go back to how you were treating me. Ignoring me, pretending I'm not here, not looking at me, talking to me, touching me." He just stared back at me and didn't even blink, there was a long silence. So I told him. "I did call the police." He straightened up and got his wallet and keys, and said the conversation had shifted - it "had been about reconciliation" but not anymore. He said I wasn't on his team anymore, that "Team (us)" no longer existed. He was crying and asking if I really wanted him to go to jail.
A few phone calls since then, in a couple he had clearly been drinking. I notice a huge difference in him when he hasn't been drinking. In the mornings he is contrite and sorry and explains his true intentions. But, it seems his main concern is not the hurt he has caused me - if it is, he is not voicing that - but of being arrested and going to jail.
When I came home today after my meeting he was here, putting things in his truck. I didn't say anything but he just said "I'm just packing up some work clothes." We just looked at each other, and he said he had to go back to work. It's so much harder when I'm around him, when I see him - when he's not drinking I see him, and not the disease. I see the man I love and want to tell him I'm sorry and that I love him.
When I called the police it was not to punish him or tattle - I was scared and it was done without thinking, almost an automatic reaction to get him to stop, to get someone to help me. I had no time to think about him going to jail, of possibly losing his job. I do not want that.
So, at this point, I am considering going to the police station to ask about dropping the charges. I know that even if I pressed charges that I would not be creating consequences for him - or would I? Maybe I don't know. But I am not up for testifying and dragging this out and making things more difficult than they have to be. Part of it is that it's not as if he say, gave me a black eye, hit me in the face, or caused injury to me other than a bruise (that I feel but can't see). There were marks on my neck that disappeared within the two hours after the incident. As far as divorce - there are residency requirements in this state, so it appears I would have to stay here another four months. Also, it may not be up to me - he may just decide to leave me regardless.
Thank you all for your time in reading this very long post.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Physical violence is never okay. Saying at least he didn't give you a black eye, break your arm, etc., shows just how enmeshed you are. Things that sound horriffic to me (yes, I've been through it) to you are not that big a deal. I am not being rude, I am stating a fact that when we are in the middle of the chaos, our sensibilities get warped. If your daughter were telling you that story and it had happened to her, what would you say? Would you say...well, at least he didn't blacken your eyes or hit you in the face?
Please get away from him. Please do not drop the charges. After the first time, hitting your or grabbing your neck will be easier. Right now he may be shocked that he did it (IF he hasn't done it to you before), but if you go back, it will be easier for him to do it again. Please take care of yourself.
Please get away from him. Please do not drop the charges. After the first time, hitting your or grabbing your neck will be easier. Right now he may be shocked that he did it (IF he hasn't done it to you before), but if you go back, it will be easier for him to do it again. Please take care of yourself.
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First of all, I wouldn't drop the charges. You may be very glad you did later on when it's added to the other charges that are surely coming. He's violent -- that rarely changes.
Secondly, the prosecutor may not even allow you to drop the charges even if you wanted to. I know this from personal experience.
You were extremely smart to call the police when you did. Things could have turned out very differently and those cops would have been there to save your life. You never know. I also know this from personal experience.
Don't EVER EVER EVER underestimate a drunk with a history of violence. Never. Ever.
The asshat deserves every bit of what he has coming to him.
Secondly, the prosecutor may not even allow you to drop the charges even if you wanted to. I know this from personal experience.
You were extremely smart to call the police when you did. Things could have turned out very differently and those cops would have been there to save your life. You never know. I also know this from personal experience.
Don't EVER EVER EVER underestimate a drunk with a history of violence. Never. Ever.
The asshat deserves every bit of what he has coming to him.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by NewbieJ 
and at one point grabbed me by the back of the neck and took me to the floor. He had already grabbed my arm, shoved me, pushed me down to the floor...as he had already been violent.
I was scared and it was done without thinking, almost an automatic reaction to get him to stop, to get someone to help me.
So, at this point, I am considering going to the police station to ask about dropping the charges.
.
I don't care if he is related to you or not or what will happen to him when this is filed.....NOTHING is going to matter when you end up in the ER or the morgue. I've seen to much of this in my career; I don't want anything to happen to you.
The crime of domestic violence has already been enacted on you; do not let the criminal off the hook. Get a court ordered protection order and keep filing complaints when he violates the protection order. Your physical safety is more important than anything else.
Sorry for climbing on my soapbox. Working in the system made me see to much when the criminal is allowed to continue.
Please take care.
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I should add that yes, he has been physical in the past - hard to say that it progressed or has "gotten worse" because it's just more of the same, kind of. Also, because it isn't "all the time" or that often, it's easier for me to brush it off. We have been together for 14 years this past April, 3 years married.
But in the recent month and a half he has instead become emotionally abusive, stonewalling me and treating me like a shadow. There have been little things that set him off, and he will want to leave, saying he is done with me etc. - these are very little things, a look, saying something wrong - but he hasn't been physical like this in a while.
He admitted yesterday "You and I both know there is something wrong with me." Yup, I know it. I just can't control it and know now that I cannot help you, I said. He said he hates himself after he does these things.
Last October he did something similar to this, and afterwards I told him to get out, I was done, that he needs help, and even if we're not together he needs to get that help. The next day he made an appointment with a psychiatrist and later a therapist, and began taking medication. He did not stop drinking but his behavior improved immensely, and showed he cared about me more, kind of was more himself.
We have lost our house back home, recently moved out of state far away from everyone we know, and did so because he started a new job here. So the stonewalling, insanely enough, has hurt worse than any physical thing he has ever done. He would hardly look at me, talk to me unless questioned, touch me, etc.
But in the recent month and a half he has instead become emotionally abusive, stonewalling me and treating me like a shadow. There have been little things that set him off, and he will want to leave, saying he is done with me etc. - these are very little things, a look, saying something wrong - but he hasn't been physical like this in a while.
He admitted yesterday "You and I both know there is something wrong with me." Yup, I know it. I just can't control it and know now that I cannot help you, I said. He said he hates himself after he does these things.
Last October he did something similar to this, and afterwards I told him to get out, I was done, that he needs help, and even if we're not together he needs to get that help. The next day he made an appointment with a psychiatrist and later a therapist, and began taking medication. He did not stop drinking but his behavior improved immensely, and showed he cared about me more, kind of was more himself.
We have lost our house back home, recently moved out of state far away from everyone we know, and did so because he started a new job here. So the stonewalling, insanely enough, has hurt worse than any physical thing he has ever done. He would hardly look at me, talk to me unless questioned, touch me, etc.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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They're always sorry after they slap you around, beat you, and even after they kill you. He'll be really sorry about that.
You deserve better, but you are too close to the situation to see what danger you are truly in. I hope you will realize that you need to be away from him or nothing is going to change. But, he'll still be sorry.
You deserve better, but you are too close to the situation to see what danger you are truly in. I hope you will realize that you need to be away from him or nothing is going to change. But, he'll still be sorry.
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God what a scary situation. Suki is 100% right. Run, don't walk, away. Do not drop the charges. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and you can't control him, his disease or his actions. All abusers/alcoholics say they are sorry, won't do it again and I think you know it's just talk.
I don't know you personally but I'm certain you deserve much better than this.
I don't know you personally but I'm certain you deserve much better than this.
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Thank you everyone. There are no promises that it won't happen again, and he himself has mentioned divorce (it is what he says when he storms out, or yells at me on the phone, after being set off).
I don't see the danger because it doesn't happen often enough, or severely enough - the abuse has stayed at the same "level", the worst being him putting his hands on my neck. Even if it didn't get worse, however, the way it is now is bad enough. I recognize that I have become "used" to the level of abuse.
If he needs someone to abuse, is there any reason he is willing to admit that he doesn't see being happy with me? It looks like he is ready to walk away and leave me - as others have posted, it is so painful and confusing to be rejected and discarded by someone whom you've tried to love as best you can, and haven't mistreated, but who has mistreated you. Anyhow. This is what I'm dealing with now, aside from trying to get my things in order.
I don't see the danger because it doesn't happen often enough, or severely enough - the abuse has stayed at the same "level", the worst being him putting his hands on my neck. Even if it didn't get worse, however, the way it is now is bad enough. I recognize that I have become "used" to the level of abuse.
If he needs someone to abuse, is there any reason he is willing to admit that he doesn't see being happy with me? It looks like he is ready to walk away and leave me - as others have posted, it is so painful and confusing to be rejected and discarded by someone whom you've tried to love as best you can, and haven't mistreated, but who has mistreated you. Anyhow. This is what I'm dealing with now, aside from trying to get my things in order.
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Abusers DON'T CHANGE. Please get out while you can. You deserve so so much better, there is another life out there. It's terrifying but it's amazing being FREE. There are no words to describe how wonderful it is to no longer live in fear. My ex doesn't have my address or phone number now, I can finally focus on myself and my daughter.
DV gets worse, and worse, and worse. The fact you don't have a black eye or broken bone is irrelevant, it's never ok for anyone to put their hands on another person. Not ever. No excuses. Would it be ok for a stranger to treat you this way in the street? No? Then why is it ok or excusable from your partner?
DV gets worse, and worse, and worse. The fact you don't have a black eye or broken bone is irrelevant, it's never ok for anyone to put their hands on another person. Not ever. No excuses. Would it be ok for a stranger to treat you this way in the street? No? Then why is it ok or excusable from your partner?
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Oh, I'm sure he is sorry - sorry you called him on his bull****, not for the way he treated you. I'm quite sure he would have no regrets over his behavior at all if it got him what he wanted without consequence - no matter if it left you bruised, abused and damaged.
PLEASE DO NOT DROP THE CHARGES. Nip this in the bud NOW. Show him that you won't accept the shoving, grabbing, pushing, and denial of phone service. Later, it could turn into hitting, clobbering, full-out assault or even worse. Many women have ended up dead - that's the "worse".
And then go out and buy "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Abusive Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will open up your eyes to the values, beliefs and misbeliefs that drive abusive behaviors. And after you read it, he will never be able to manipulate you again.
I know I am coming off as very forceful on this issue, but it is a touchy point with me - bet you couldn't tell.....
PLEASE DO NOT DROP THE CHARGES. Nip this in the bud NOW. Show him that you won't accept the shoving, grabbing, pushing, and denial of phone service. Later, it could turn into hitting, clobbering, full-out assault or even worse. Many women have ended up dead - that's the "worse".
And then go out and buy "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Abusive Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will open up your eyes to the values, beliefs and misbeliefs that drive abusive behaviors. And after you read it, he will never be able to manipulate you again.
I know I am coming off as very forceful on this issue, but it is a touchy point with me - bet you couldn't tell.....
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Do you know, my ex never punched me. He hit me, pushed me over/around, pulled my hair, threw glasses and bottles at my head, regularly pinched or twisted my skin even at night to wake me up, threw me at walls.. etc etc. to him he did nothing wrong because he never hit me with a closed fist. He threatened me with a knife while I was holding our daughter, he slapped me across the face in the supermarket in front of dozens of people, he's slammed my hands in doors and bitten me. To hear another woman minimise and excuse what is CLEARLY abuse is difficult. That's HIS thinking inside your head.
If you don't see the danger, I think you need to think about this more clearly. My point is that right now maybe you consider/he tells you it's 'just' a push or whatever, that's minimising the issue. Its NOT ok for him to behave this way. Please run for the hills.
If you don't see the danger, I think you need to think about this more clearly. My point is that right now maybe you consider/he tells you it's 'just' a push or whatever, that's minimising the issue. Its NOT ok for him to behave this way. Please run for the hills.
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Originally Posted by NewbieJ
the worst being him putting his hands on my neck.
From a fact sheet on domestic violence:
http://www.sp2.upenn.edu/ortner/docs...angulation.pdf
Just the first one that came up. Google "domestic abuse strangulation" and you will see that it is a leading indicator in domestic violence deaths. You are in a lot more danger than you seem to realize.
L
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It's so distressing to read about this kind of abuse. I just want to relate to you my experience as a child and my father violent attacks on my family, of course there were moments of calm, but my dad would flip the table at dinner, full of dishes and food, punch holes in the wall, hit my brother, tackle my mother, threaten to kill us, my father punched my mother square in the nose one night, blood everywhere and she had two black and blue eyes. It was't always that bad, it started out as little things, yelling, maybe throwing a dish but not at anyone, on and off, for years, as he got deeper into his drinking, his acting out got worse and worse, more damage, more bruises for all of us, trying to recover, but dealing with the same thing the next night.
Always there was an apology, my mom kicked him out once, for four days, he swore it would never happen again, it did.
It escalates, the longer he got away with it the worse it got. I would hate to see you badly hurt, because it's not that bad. It's always that bad honey. You are in danger, you can not wish this away.
My father is a really good guy, except when he drinks
The scars are all still visible, the mental scars, it takes a lifetime to heal from this kind of abuse, a lifetime, if you get out alive.
We care about you, we do not want you to get hurt. Please get some counseling, tell his family what is happening, get yourself set up to escape , you can not ever know where an outburst will go. I'm so scared for you. Katie xo
Always there was an apology, my mom kicked him out once, for four days, he swore it would never happen again, it did.
It escalates, the longer he got away with it the worse it got. I would hate to see you badly hurt, because it's not that bad. It's always that bad honey. You are in danger, you can not wish this away.
My father is a really good guy, except when he drinks
The scars are all still visible, the mental scars, it takes a lifetime to heal from this kind of abuse, a lifetime, if you get out alive.
We care about you, we do not want you to get hurt. Please get some counseling, tell his family what is happening, get yourself set up to escape , you can not ever know where an outburst will go. I'm so scared for you. Katie xo
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this is horrendous & youre justification of it "not being that bad" is horrific.but like suki said if you are determined to stay theres nothing anybody can say to change your mind. Its goes the same with alcoholics my dear. Nothing you say to him will make him change if he doesnt want to. If you drop the charges you are ENABLING him and showing him that he can get away with basically choking you and there wont be any consequences. If he has no consequences whats going to stop him from lets say throwing you down a flight of stairs or worse?
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Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel
....
And then go out and buy "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Abusive Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will open up your eyes to the values, beliefs and misbeliefs that drive abusive behaviors. And after you read it, he will never be able to manipulate you again.
And then go out and buy "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Abusive Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will open up your eyes to the values, beliefs and misbeliefs that drive abusive behaviors. And after you read it, he will never be able to manipulate you again.
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I agree with all the advice here. And i understand this time is difficult for you.
You are afraid of staying in this relationship, and you are afraid of leaving.
All i can suggest is, if you want more of the same, more of what you're used to, then stay.
If you want the abuse (emotional and physical) to stop, then start making changes now before things take a turn for the worse.
We all care, and we're here to listen.
You're stronger than you think you are.
Good luck with your decisions.
Limiya
You are afraid of staying in this relationship, and you are afraid of leaving.
All i can suggest is, if you want more of the same, more of what you're used to, then stay.
If you want the abuse (emotional and physical) to stop, then start making changes now before things take a turn for the worse.
We all care, and we're here to listen.
You're stronger than you think you are.
Good luck with your decisions.
Limiya
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