feelingalone43

My AH is now trying to show me how non-confrontational he can be. He is trying to make small talk, and I just can't bring myself to have friendly chit-chat with him. He asks me a question, and I give him the briefest answer possible without being rude.

I am keeping my feelings, emotions, and opinions safely tucked away so that I know they can't get trampled on. My stomach is in knots waiting for him to ask me how long we are going to continue like this. I know what I want to say to him. I don't know how long it is going to take for this wall I've built around my heart to come down. When do we codies know that our A's really mean what they say. How long do I wait to see if he goes back to being the angry, sarcastic, meanie that I have come to dread?

And of course, he wants to hug, and cuddle hoping it will turn into more. I am definitely not ready for that. He has always believed that once we are intimate after not getting along that all is forgiven. I used to just give in so as to not add more "stress" to his life. Not this time.

I truly believe that he came home thinking that by saying he was sorry on Friday, and then leaving me alone for the weekend, life would be smooth sailing on Monday.

Katiekate

It's natural to not want to share your feelings with someone you don't trust.

That is the simple answer. Trust is earned, not given just becasue.

The when of it is something that you can not predict, the present is all you have.

You are not obliged to trust anyone that has hurt you, it's a choice, from my own experience, an active alcoholic is someone who can never be trusted, that may be harsh, but it is the reality.

This is something you have to do in your own way and your own time, it can't be forced, the most honest answer is, I don't know if I can trust you.

CeciliaV

This is so dead on. I'm experiencing the same distrust with my AH. He's been clean for about 9 days now. He says he feels different this time. - I don't feel all that different though!

I go back and forth on how I should react/act. Part of me wants to have fun and pal/joke around like we used to, and part of me wants to withdraw. I feel like I'm sending him mixed messages, but I have mixed feelings. I want to believe that things are getting better, and I want to believe that the last episode was his rock bottom, but it's so hard to build that trust again.

feelingalone43

This is exactly how I am feeling. I want to have a normal conversation with him about normal, everyday stuff. But I don't want him to start thinking that all is well when it isn't. He never touched a drop of alcohol yesterday. We went to our sons' ballgames, came home for dinner, and watched some TV. Just normal family stuff. The ride to the ballgames was silent (he recently told me that he cringes when he gets into a vehicle with me because he doesn't like the way I drive). He did make sure to tell me that the meat I cooked was just about perfect.

So now I am starting to feel like a b**ch because I am not falling all over him with affection. I hate this feeling. So far he is being polite, always giving me a quick kiss before leaving or going to bed, asking no questions about how I am feeling. I think he doesn't want to hear it.

I told him on Friday after he apologized, that actions speak louder than words, but what I don't think he understands is that the actions need to continue for longer than a few days, and that I don't completely trust he can keep it up for the long haul.

Last night, I finally went to bed instead of sleeping in my recliner, and just as I was falling asleep, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I sleepily asked, "what?". I thought he was going to try starting a conversation, but he said, "I thought you might want to snuggle a little bit, guess not huh?" I just grunted a no, and put my head back on my pillow. My stomach was in knots just thinking about snuggling up to him. This morning we watched the news (me pretending to be too tired to converse) while the kids got ready for school. Then off to work he went with that polite little kiss.

UGH! This is hard. I do believe he wants a healthy marriage, and is willing to try controlling his drinking and anger issues. I just don't know how long I am willing to wait and see if he self-destructs. It's not fair to either of us to have to live in limbo like this.

CeciliaV

omg, just take the kids out of the equation, and this is exactly what's going on with me and my AH! I've been falling asleep on the couch - partially because I have trouble sleeping and tend to just kinda pass out late on the comfy couch, and partially because I have no particular drive to go join him in bed.

I seriously have apprehension about sleeping in the bed with him for the same reasons you do - he takes it as a sign and will try to cuddle up to me a bit. I've told him that I'm not entirely comfortable sleeping in the bed with him and he says he understands. I've told him that while I'm happy he's been sober for a few days, I'm apprehensive about trusting again and that it takes time for trust to be built up again, especially since it's been trounced upon so many times. If you're up to it, I would suggest having an honest (although probably uncomfortable) discussion with him - tell him how you're feeling. Tell him how you're hopeful and supportive but afraid to be hurt and let down again. It won't be easy for him to hear or easy for you to say, but it does at least keep the lines of communication open and sets the tone for honesty.

I'm so sorry you're going through this pain - know that you're not alone in this.

And just a side note: how come it's US sleeping on the couch/recliner?! Grr. I want my bed back!!

lizatola

It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. I have been trouble in this very area with AH. I think he gets it. I sleep in the bedroom most nights and he sleeps in the spare room, but that's because he snores and I wind up moving to somewhere else in the house in the middle of the night. Basically, whoever goes to bed first gets the master bedroom.

I have a real hard time with physical contact right now because I don't trust him. And, after his relapse this weekend I realize now why I don't trust him. For me, without trust I don't have much of a marriage and I am trying to figure out how long I want to continue living like this. AH is so consumed with getting his DUI stuff over with that I think our relationship takes a backseat. I feel like we are definitely in crisis mode right now and it really sucks.

It's so nice to come here and know that we are not alone. I worry so much about our son and what examples are being set before him. The inconsistency of AH's actions must completely mess with his psyche. He's got dad telling him to be an upstanding citizen but then dad's out there driving on a suspended license and buying beer while doing it, too.