Looking for advise from Parents who left their Alcoholic Spouses.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In limbo.
Posts: 80
Looking for advise from Parents who left their Alcoholic Spouses.
Good Evening,
I have been going through a rough time with my soon-to-be XAH.
We have young kids. I am trying to figure out how and when to tell my kids about us splitting up. I want to tell them about his addiction, lying and choosing to be with other people rather than them. I don't know how to approach them. I don't want to overload them with information but I need them to understand a few things.
He doesn't want them more than every other weekend. I am happy about that since he really never has been a daddy to them. I never trusted him in the past to be alone with them (especially at night), since his drinking was always so important to him. He had admitted he's an alcoholic but believes he doesn't need help. Yup, that's my man. Great huh?!
Well, we are coming to a huge problem with settling all matters when it comes to them and their safety. I don't believe (nor does a lot of family) he can be trusted with them. I don't want him to be able t drive them around as well. Their safety is my concern. I also don't want his alcoholic buddies to be in their lives. In my opinion, if he only has them for 2 days every other week, why is he so worried about having his buddies around.
In our agreement, I want these put into place, and at first he understood and was ok with it, but now all of a sudden, he is deciding that he wants to have a huge fight and drag it out as long as it takes. I told him that I would reconsider but he would need to find sobriety first. And after that happens, he would need to keep it up. I know his buddies are giving ill advise to him and it really is coming from a lot of them and then his anger. He truly believes that he doesn't have a problem.
He thinks that I want him completely out of their lives, but I don't. I know that he can be the daddy he always said he wanted to be. It's just that he never has been there for them. Drinking was/is his first choice. I have been trying my hardest (don't even know why anymore) to have him in their lives. I suggest things they can do together to form a relationship. But, he chooses to just sit and text his buddies when he is around them. When he isn't doing that, he is yelling at them.
Can anyone give me advise? I have talked to a lawyer and I do know what step I need to take, but I was trying to go a different route. I will do what was advised if necessary, which might be sooner than later.
Thank You !
I have been going through a rough time with my soon-to-be XAH.
We have young kids. I am trying to figure out how and when to tell my kids about us splitting up. I want to tell them about his addiction, lying and choosing to be with other people rather than them. I don't know how to approach them. I don't want to overload them with information but I need them to understand a few things.
He doesn't want them more than every other weekend. I am happy about that since he really never has been a daddy to them. I never trusted him in the past to be alone with them (especially at night), since his drinking was always so important to him. He had admitted he's an alcoholic but believes he doesn't need help. Yup, that's my man. Great huh?!
Well, we are coming to a huge problem with settling all matters when it comes to them and their safety. I don't believe (nor does a lot of family) he can be trusted with them. I don't want him to be able t drive them around as well. Their safety is my concern. I also don't want his alcoholic buddies to be in their lives. In my opinion, if he only has them for 2 days every other week, why is he so worried about having his buddies around.
In our agreement, I want these put into place, and at first he understood and was ok with it, but now all of a sudden, he is deciding that he wants to have a huge fight and drag it out as long as it takes. I told him that I would reconsider but he would need to find sobriety first. And after that happens, he would need to keep it up. I know his buddies are giving ill advise to him and it really is coming from a lot of them and then his anger. He truly believes that he doesn't have a problem.
He thinks that I want him completely out of their lives, but I don't. I know that he can be the daddy he always said he wanted to be. It's just that he never has been there for them. Drinking was/is his first choice. I have been trying my hardest (don't even know why anymore) to have him in their lives. I suggest things they can do together to form a relationship. But, he chooses to just sit and text his buddies when he is around them. When he isn't doing that, he is yelling at them.
Can anyone give me advise? I have talked to a lawyer and I do know what step I need to take, but I was trying to go a different route. I will do what was advised if necessary, which might be sooner than later.
Thank You !
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I have experience with divorces. And those divorces included children. And those divorces included alcohol issues (didn't know about alcoholism in the first one).
Based on my experience, I went with the recommended visitation schedule established by the courts as the standard for our area. My last divorce does state that neither parent can have alcohol around the children during times of custody.
Once the divorce was signed and sealed, I did not push the visitation schedule. I do not force my ex husbands to uphold their visitation turn. I learned that a irresponsible parent is not going to learn how to be a responsible parent post divorce by my forcing children into their life.
I allow the other parent to arrange for visitation when they choose. I don't remind them it's their turn. They usually choose to do other activities which include alcohol. I allow them to make their own choices.
I get to enjoy my kids.
My children do love their dads. They do have great visits with the dads and this works for us.
Based on my experience, I went with the recommended visitation schedule established by the courts as the standard for our area. My last divorce does state that neither parent can have alcohol around the children during times of custody.
Once the divorce was signed and sealed, I did not push the visitation schedule. I do not force my ex husbands to uphold their visitation turn. I learned that a irresponsible parent is not going to learn how to be a responsible parent post divorce by my forcing children into their life.
I allow the other parent to arrange for visitation when they choose. I don't remind them it's their turn. They usually choose to do other activities which include alcohol. I allow them to make their own choices.
I get to enjoy my kids.
My children do love their dads. They do have great visits with the dads and this works for us.
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