Endofline

So I have been moving around this site looking at various posts. The latest one I was reading was detachment. What I noticed that in most of the posts watered the subject everyone was saying that their spouse ,husband boyfriend child was saying that they love them and they would stop using. Even if they were lying. In my case I passed this point long ago and my husband doesn't say any of those things rather he says he doesn't want me anymore and he will do whatever the **** he wants! He use to want to change but honestly he doesn't anymore he is done with me he says he is bored with me. He can do so much better than me he says. Funny when I had money he always wanted to make up and at least lie that he would stop, now that he went through all of it, I lost my kids from my previous marriage but they couldn't stand living with him anymore. And now that I have no where to go I'm basically estranged from my family because of all that has happened and me always defending him. Now he is done with me! And he really is he doesn't want to change he wants to start over with someone that doesn't know what he is really about, I just make his life miserable he thinks because I won't let him off the hook or look the other way. Believe me if I could I would that's how co-dependent aim it's just that he has violent mood swings when he mixes pills with hard alcohol which is pretty much everyday. If he acted nice to me I probably would just accept this is what my life is that's how pathetic I have become. So when every post reads he swears he loves me or is going to quit is there anyone out there that got dumped pretty much like I did?

story74

I got aBandoned. 16 years together and a 2 year old. He got caught cheating on me on mothers day weekend AND was on a coke binge. He just left. Literally. Just like that. I hate to be crass, but f*** 'em. Move on. I say that, but am still working out my pain. Getting better and better day by day, but honestly who needs such disrespect? Don't let it hurt your self esteem. They aren't worth it. Now, you know whaT you want and what you refuse to not tolerate or put up with. Enjoy YOU and find haPpiness. Life is too beautiful!

Nina Kay

Welcome Endofline. I'm sorry that you are so hurt & feeling so down on yourself. I haven't been through that. I have an alcoholic/addict grown son. I'm understanding that you feel rejected. I personally feel that you are very lucky that he, having violent tendencies & an active addict, is willing to leave you alone. All of those saying that they love their spouses & want them back, are at the time, just using & wanting to continue to use their significant others. It's not love from their hearts or even attraction. I know this because they love the drugs more & they want to be able to use drugs & have a place to crash & money & cars. Please keep coming back & reading & I hope that soon you will be able to really accept that you are very blessed to be getting out so easy. (by the way, I do know that nothing you are going through is easy) His mind has been rewired by the drugs. He is not even the same man you knew while he is using.

whaty

You are right. Addicts want you because you have money and can enable them. Now that he has you worn thin and broke he is wanting to move on to $greener$ pastures. I know it is easy for me to say but be strong and move on. You are worth so much more than him. Learn to love yourself!

Endofline

I feel so many emotions used worthless angry sad. I supported him in very way I knew how. And what did I get for it nothing only that he is done with me.

whaty

Yes, you've been used, and you have a right to be angry and sad. But you are not worthless. He will be back, and when he shows up tell him YOU are DONE.

grayduchess

He's punishing you. They seldom willingly take responsibility for their own actions and they punish the ones around them when they aren't getting what they want. I read an earlier post of yours where you talked about the magic of your relationship in the beginning. From what I've read the addictive personality molds itself to be what you want. They are very intuitive and know how to say and do the right things to wrap you around their little fingers. It's when the words and the actions are worlds apart things begin to fall apart. It wasn't real and no one can keep up a pretense forever. Sooner or later the mask comes off.

I think it would do you a lot of good to try to focus somewhere else besides on him and your own pain (I do know that is much easier said than done!). Anivlhead had a great suggestion!

laurie6781

For your own sanity, I would strongly suggest you contact your local Domestic Violence Center and go talk with them. Get whatever help they can offer, and usually it is a lot. From, counseling, to housing to legal assistance.

What you have shared to date is out and out ABUSE, be it physical or mental. Legal assistance will help you to find out what if anything you can recoup from him for all that he has cost you monetarily. Counseling can help you to figure out as Advil said

"to start looking into what traumas happened to you that you chose a violent heartless addict over your kids."

We are here for you, so please keep reading and posting as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

crazybabie

I understand your feeling rejected I feel like he has handed you a gift you have an opportunity to get your life back. The life your living now is, insanity. Will it hurt YES, will it be easy NO, Will it be worth it YES IMO.

I saw a post where you had posted on another thread when you were figuring out how to start one and honestly I was a bit concerned we are the same age, and you had said you did not wanna be single and 46 at the bar looking for guys, (not your exact words)The word Bar and guys to me says RED FLAG

Have you tried any meetings in your area al-anon, FA, Nar-anon?

Endofline

Thank you for all that read my post and all your suggestions. Yes I go to al anon meetings bit I find for me this site is more helpful. I treks going to a therapist but to be honest even with insurance it is costly. I want you all to know that I didn't choose this addict over my kids, the problem lies in the fact that I stayed in the relationship too long thinking it would get better. I didnt ever think our lives would be forever changed I never dealt with anything like this before. If I could pick up and leave and find a place with my kids I would I don't make enough money to do that. Their dad is a fairly wealthy man and I don't blame them for just want to go live in a normal comfortable lifestyle. I could have gotten some assistance at one point through the domestic abuse support group,but they don't offer it to women who don't have their children and now they are with their dad. I regret not leaving sooner I know I made mistakes believe me my life sucks and I am to blame for falling in love with this selfish person. I was married at a young age my children are now 21,18 &13 my level of education isn't going to be able to support us. Not making excuses just the reality is their dad can give them things I will never be able. Feel stuck and hopeless I'm sure there are many on this site where things started off slowly and never thought they would escalate to the point your life is ruined before you know it, I lovely kids with all my heart they are amazing and I have terrible guilt that things went so wrong and they suffered through all the insanity of it. It would be so much easier if money wasnt an issue.

roseblossom

My ex husband told me once that he left because he was ashamed at how horrible of a man he was. He said that I am a good woman and he couldn't bear to even look me in the eye. This may be why he's seemingly rejecting you, to push you away because he knows he doesn't deserve you. Getting dumped instead of riding the rollercoaster to the end is a blessing even though it doesn't feel that way now.

crazybabie

EOL, I stayed with my AH through out my kids childhood as well we got together so young our stories are the same in many ways. He has only been out of the house a month he has been out for 6 months before and I allowed him back in.

I am hoping this time I can be strong enough to not allow that I am taking it one day at a time. My income is also very low I do understand that. I am fournate in my dad is helping me as long as I am helping myself. I wish I didnt need his help but am very lucky it is available.

grayduchess

It IS harder to get help when kids aren't involved but it IS out there! When I left I didn't have a cent. I have a low paying job and I had just paid all the bills at OUR place that were my responsibility, but I left anyway. I slept in my truck for two weeks, called every organization I could think of and just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I could have stayed at a women's shelter but it was in the city 25 miles away and would have just made it harder to get back and forth to work. It was my choice to stay in my vehicle instead. I also found out I could have got even more help if I had filed a PFA against him but he wasn't threatening me or stalking me and I saw no need.

Once my adult kids saw that I was really serious this time they began to support me emotionally. My daughter's boyfriend even lent me a few dollars for gas money until I got my next check. I found a place I could afford in a trailer park and I applied through a special fund at my job for help with the security deposit. Once they heard my story they approved me for not only the security deposit but paid the first month's rent too! So here I sit in my own living room, on my own PC and although I'm fighting the loneliness and emotional pain at least I'm not subject to violent outbursts and mental abuse. I don't have to worry about calling the police, having my belongings broken or stolen and the only one who can throw me out on the street is my landlord if I don't pay my rent!

You'll be surprised at the help you get once you start helping yourself.

Endofline

I can't tell you how much you telling me your story means to me. I can empathize with so much that you have experienced. I'm sitting here debating whether I feel like making this al anon meeting. I had tempo ray restraining orders in the past that I caved on and didn't go through with the continuance . Now he is extra careful to just humiliate me and mentally and emotionally abuse me bit nothing that would grant another. I actually feel physically sick and nauseous from this constant abuse . Did that ever happen to you? I know I need to take charge and do something I just don't have the will to do it. Everyday is different I could be sad or angry or just exhausted. I'm sure that one of these days I'm going to have to do something I'm just taking it one day at a time. I don't know maybe I need medication most people can move forward I don't know why I'm having such a hard time, I think I'm just too drained.

grayduchess

Yes, that's happened to me. It used to happen often. I've been with this man through more than 10 years of BS. He told me once he thought someone crying for hours was a myth until he met me. I would literally cry my heart out for 3 or 4 hours at a time. Mr Empathy would then berate me for being such a weak person and tell me how he needed a strong woman.

There were times when I just lay on the ground and let me kick me and didn't even try to protect myself. It took a ridiculous amount of crap for me to get to where I am now. I've heard it said in any recovery you're only ready when YOU'RE ready and not a moment sooner. Every time I did leave him I rode on anger. My trouble begins when the anger lessens...

I think we all have our own breaking points and it's so very hard to get motivated to do anything when you're emotionally exhausted. Please try some of the suggestions others have given you for therapy or something. What can it hurt to try something different? I used to tell my X "if you keep taking the same road you can't be surprised when you end up on the same dead end street". One of my biggest problems is I talk a good line but I often fall short actually DOING what I think I should.