whaty

I just joined yesterday and I can't stop reading all the posts here because everyone understands what you are going through. My heroin addicted son is in jail facing multiple charges. A year and a half ago he was in jail for 90 days, over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I supported him with visits, a little money, a Christmas gift (book) and letters, and he used again the day he came home. He has been in and out of rehabs and detox ever since, and has been out of my house since last October.

Anyway, I wanted to share this because I know you can relate. He is trying to call me collect and I either ignore or pick up and hang up. I've received dozens of calls from him this week. A friend of his called me and said all he wants is money in his commissary account for long johns because they keep it so cold there. We live in the Southeast and just now I received a call from an elderly lady in Niagara Falls. She said her son is with my son in jail and her son asked her to call me to relay a couple messages. My son's messages were that he has signed up for a drug program in jail, he is hungry and needs money for the canteen, he wants to be able to call me (I have to buy minutes - nope), AND he wants me to come visit him tomorrow.

The final straw (rock bottom for me) was when he stole from my mother.

I am holding strong.
whaty

suki44883

Good for you. They do get fed in jail, so it's not like he will starve. This is all called quacking, which is saying what they think you want to hear so you will give in and enable them. He will survive in jail, just like everyone else, and maybe, just maybe, if he has to do it without you making it any easier, something might sink into his brain that his way of living just isn't working.

I know it's hard to say no to our kids, but sometimes it just has to be done, for their benefit and ours. Hang in there! You're doing great.

dollydo

You are doing just fine, he is not going hungry. My ex had a complete stranger call me too. Trying to get me to accept collect calls and/or send money. I did neither, he made the bad choices, and for every bad decision there is a bad reaction. He will be fine, it is all about manipulation.

Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.

Impurrfect

I agree with the above - I spent time in jail (recovering addict and recovering codie) and they do feed the inmates. Also, those collect phone calls are REALLY expensive.

He will be fine and just maybe, he'll realize he needs to make changes in his life so he doesn't stay, or return to jail. All those darned consequences of my addiction are what finally led me to recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LoveMeNow

How unbelievable resourceful and manipulating his actions are. I am not talking about just your son specifically, I am talking about addicts in general.

Stay strong!! He is better off there then anywhere right now. You know he is safe and not ODing somewhere, so let your mind be at peace.

Nina Kay

Hi whaty. I'm glad that you've joined us here, but not for the reason of course. I just wanted to say that I do understand how hard it is, but I believe that you're definitely doing the right thing. I'm so sorry that he stole from your Mother. I do know that is him "crossing a whole nother line." (that's Texas talk) haha

whaty

Thanks so much for all your words of support. Resourceful and manipulative are his two best traits. And yes, my mind is at peace. Now I am just worried about the elderly lady that called me because she sounded new to the game. : (

whaty

Cynical One, I tried that. He is calling from a payphone and it tells you to call an 800 number to add money to an account so he can call me (I can't accept the call from my cell and I don't have a land line for him to call on). There is supposed to be an option when you answer to block it but I don't hear one. I know last time I was able to do that.
Thanks

LoveMeNow

I know there is no telling with an addict but some behaviors are common -

But I get this feeling he just playing a game. I know he wants the money but is getting you to break part of it? Does he want to lay some self entitled, guilt trip on you as well?

I apologize if this questing is inappropriate. I am still learning about addiction and I guess it doesn't really matter why he is calling. It only really matters how YOU decide to handle it.

whaty

Oh, I am not going to break. He has never been physically or mentally abusive to me, and he has never blamed me. He takes full responsibility for his addiction. He knows he is going to be in jail for at least 120 days and he knows we are not going to bail him out. Right now his need is for canteen money and someone to talk to but I am done with him until he is once again the young man I raised him to be, and a brother his sisters can learn to love again.

hope213

glad u r with us. welcome to s.r. you are doing the right thing by not taking his calls & not sending money. the jail feeds him & you know where is is at!! how good can it get for you. i know this sounds cruel but i have been dealing with an addict son for 23 yrs. & now it is his son!! i have had enough. i believe if i had started this program early with my addict maybe he would have hit his bottom sooner, maybe not. i know if u let them they will run u insane. you are doing good. stay with us. hugs & prayers,

EJG123

I made the mistake of accepting a call from my D when she was in jail and she was almost impossible to hear or understand because of the bad connection and her carrying on about needing money on her books. I ended up telling her that I would not accept future calls because I really could not hear her well and I was not going to put money on her books. After she detoxed in jail, she was more coherent and I did use JPay to keep in touch with her while she was in prison. It was fine because she understood that I wasn't going to give her money or send her anything other than an occasional book.

washbe2

I know it's tough to have the phone keep ringing, knowing who is calling, and why, and turning him down. I have learned that the inmates sometimes work out a bartering system among themselves. It may involve haircuts, art work, etc. I did most of the time furnish canteen money for my AS, but I don't know that it was a good idea. It never changed anything.

Prayers for you and your son and the siblings, too. This nightmare affects their lives as well.

Justfor1

Thats a very common tactic that inmates do. Get there cellmates loved ones call for them. Good for you for not putting money on his books. Sometimes, they use the canteen goodies to trade for drugs (smuggled in) or booze (homemade w/fruit, suger ect...). It's true that the place is probably cold though. They do that to keep tempers down & less fights.

Kindeyes

I can certainly relate to your situation. It does feel better somehow when we let go and start taking care of ourselves. Our sons and daughters are on God's hands.

You're doing ok.

gentle hugs
ke

crazybabie

whaty, When my son would call if I listened to the entire message and it gave mean option of hitting a certain button to where I got no calls and you can also call the company the number they give about adding minutes and have them block if you wish.

I always hated to hear that phone when he called from jail but I always felt he was safer. My son is mentally abusive and blames everything in his life on me he told me once that I brought him into this world so now I could deal with it.

He is in prison out due out in November, now he calls and textes from others cell phones.

I am sorry he took from your mother I know that feeling as well.

Hugs and prayers for you and your son and your mother.

whaty

I never was able to get the number blocked and today is the first day I haven't heard from him. His most recent enabler, a man he met in rehab that got AS a job and let AS stay at his house, called me last night and said AS has been trying to call him, as well. He is not answering and is not going to be there for him when he gets out. AS was doing well living with this man for several months but then went to visit a "friend" and you know how that goes.