oinobares

How does one get over the feeling of intense failure and shame that characterizes owning the identity of being "a drunk"? Clearly the first answer to this will be "work the steps." Alas, from my own experience, after working them and understanding them, the question remains unanswered. Now, the response to this fatalism might be: "then you haven't worked them properly." That's an easy thing to say, and in fact I find it somewhat irresponsible. Irresponsible because it just restates an apparent fact that one is already struggling to escape: that you have failed. Honesty in this case is simply a luxury. Failure is all around. Brokenness and disease. The question is how does one transcend this?

"Get busy living or get busy dying." This is really the only alternative is it not?

sugarbear1

Ernest Kurtz wrote Shame & Guilt that you may want to read.

Are you working the steps into your daily life? I've worked them several times and I still don't understand them, but I have experienced them and continue to put them to use on a daily basis. I am a retired alcoholic and no longer indulge in self-abuse.

I wish you well,

ttbp

I'm working hard on acceptance at the moment - some days it's easier than others.

The serenity prayer is a great reminder of what changes we should be working on and I say the serenity prayer quite a lot (especially in times of need!)

For me, acceptance that I'm an alcoholic came when I stopped looking at the differences and started identifying with people - every share I hear, there is ALWAYS something

Hello - by the way :-) xxx

Sapling

Rarely have we seen a person fail......Did you work them honestly, fearlessly and thoroughly as laid out in the Big Book with a sponsor....Someone that has had a spritual awakening as a result of these steps?

Anna

Alcoholism isn't a character defect. It's a disease.

I am not an AA person, but I don't see failure all around me.

oinobares

Sapling, YES. Every single one. As an organic whole. I've already had a spiritual awakening in my life *before* I started drinking abusively. I am a very intensely reflective thoughtful person, who has no qualms about praying and asking for forgiveness. I've had sponsors and folks calling me: "are you OK, are you drinking?" So perhaps I am one of the incorrigible few. But since I don't subscribe to that categorical logic, I am still hopeful.

Sapling

Have you ever considered your problem might be step one? None of them work...Without that one.

MsJax

Hi oino I'm sorry you are feeling like that. I have over 14 months sober & while my life is unspeakably better, thank god, I was still suffering from some mental/emotional problems. I am now seeing a counselor & it is helping. It is ok to seek professional help. Also, living well & doing your best~you are more than a drunk. We all are and as you get better and live well you can walk away from the wreckage and have a good life. I hope you feel better soon. There is so much good in life if we choose it.

Sapling

AA recommends this...Those steps are a spritual solution for alcoholism...If the problems are beyond that....You should seek appropriate treatment. They encourage that.

oinobares

Anna,

Thank you for your comment. Personally I do not believe it is a disease. I do believe that is a major ungodly problem. So, again, the alternative is threefold: stop, moderate, die. I just made 90 days, had a few glasses of wine.
In those ninety days, honestly I didn't think much about booze. Now it's like a disappearing object, which is somehow always lingering on the edges of my attention.

oinobares

Accepting that I am an alcoholic and damaged, that is easy. I confess. Mea culpa. This is what I am. First step is easy. It's obvious. It does not help.

Powerless too, but being powerless is just a state, not an activity.

Zencat

Maybe its time to consider some of the other ways to treat alcoholism. AA is not the only solution. Have a look below at some of the links, they are alternative ways to be recovered from alcoholism other than AA.
For me LifeRing...
...and any other way to live a well balanced life is what keeps me motivated to continue my daily dual-diagnosis treatments. And the treatments are working very well... life and sanity saving well.

Ranger

For what it's worth, oinobares, for me "powerless" is knowing, ACCEPTING, beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I pick up after 90 days or 40 years, I will resume my prior decent to utter ruination.

In this manner, understanding and embracing I am "powerlessness" over alcohol removes the fight over a "few glasses of wine" or the million other opportunities to imbibe that are part and parcel to western socieity.

Every time I decline a drink, I am practicing powerlessness.

With that said, I should tell you that like others here, counseling has helped me sort through issues ancilliary to drinking. The decision to seek professional help is rarely a bad one.

penny74

You try to find some balance and use common sense...

tomsteve

i had shame and failure about being an alcoholic when i was drinking and not doing anything to change me. i am now in recovery and put in the foot work to change me and have no shame of being a recovering alcoholic.
how did i get that? welp, it took a me a big dose of humility to get open minded enough to be willing to look from a different angle( and to admit i didnt know crap).
i wasnt a failure or a bad man when i was drinking. i was a sick man. mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
honesty is a luxury i cant afford to live without.
rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed or path.
thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed or path.

Deserto

If you don't think it's a disease, then maybe AA isn't for you, since that's one of its fundamental tenets.

I'm not saying give up AA, but try reading some other perspectives, like the Tao of Sobriety (recommended for guilt and shame!) and Rational Recovery. I think those feelings fall away once the right perspective is found -- but the right perspective differs for each of us.

snoopy87

I had to concede to my INNERMOST self that I am an alcoholic and I cannot drink safely. I relapsed in 2010 because I intellectualized the steps and I knew I was poweless... but that just isn't enough for me. I half-assed acceptance. It wasn't until I started taking action that I began recovering. I have to live the steps and not just work them. Right before I went down an abyss I said to myself, Im powerless and I'm an alcoholic right before I bought a gallon of vodka. I don't have to be happy every day, but I am grateful and I try to show that through actions. Sometimes I fail miserably; but this is a program of progress and not perfection.

Sapling

For me...To drink is to die...Moderating is not an option either. I've had the obsession to drink lifted....Alcohol doesn't linger on my attention...I know what the results of a few glasses of wine will be for me.

Sapling

Nice post...

Page 83: BB
...The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.

hypochondriac

Isn't the way to transcend this to realise that you had a problem and that you solved it. If you have accepted that you are an alcoholic and can no longer drink, then you stop drinking and you no longer have a problem related to alcohol. Therefore there are no negative consequences to being 'a drunk' because you're not drunk.

I would have thought that overcoming a problem should come with a sense of pride rather than any feelings of shame. The exact opposite of a failure in fact x