feelingalone43

I have had such a relaxing, stress-free weekend. He's been at our other house, and the kids and I just did whatever we felt like doing, which actually wasn't much. Did a little summer clothes shopping, played UNO, played some catch, visited some family. Just NICE. No worrying about if he was going to be in a bad mood, if he would be drinking, if he would want to try to act as if we are a happy little family.

So now it's Monday, and he'll be here sooner or later today. Aren't I supposed to be excited to see my husband after a long weekend apart? Well, I'm not. I know that he will come home and want to act as if all is okay, since he apologized and says he'll do better. Then he'll get upset because no way am I going to just fall into his arms and pretend all is forgotten.

Does my dreading him coming home mean that my subconscious has made a decision for me? That I just want to live separately from him? Yesterday, the only contact we had were a few texts back and forth about the weather, and it was such a relief when my phone didn't ring.

There is also the possibility that he will come home and want answers as to where our marriage is going. I don't have answers to this and am not ready to get into the round and round conversation about it. Do I just say, "I don't have answers" and let it go at that?

Pelican

I suggest you say as little or as much as you need. But say what you need, not what you think he needs to hear.

I like this slogan:

Say what you mean,
Mean what you say,
but don't say it mean.

I'm glad you and your children enjoyed a peaceful weekend. It sounds terrific!

Adventure

Oh man do I know that sinking feeling of a great weekend coming to an end. It’s the other way around for us. My AH never goes anywhere, so it’s always me who is away for the weekend. The drive/train back to where I live is always filled with an increasing sense of dread. Literally every mile that sinking feeling grows and grows. Yes, I suppose part of it is my subconscious telling me it knows that I’m done. But even before I knew I was done, this happened every time. For me, it was the worry/anxiety of what was going to greet me when I got home. What level of sobriety? Would he be lying at the bottom of the stairs with his neck broken? Would he have pi**ed all over the couch again? Would the house be like a bomb site? Would he have driven his car into the front of the house again? And on and on and on.......

Back on track with my leaving plan today.... Let the adventure begin and let it be soon....

Adventure

AlreadyAlone

FeelingAlone,

I couldn't agree more with only saying what you need to say, not what he might want to hear. I always have the dread- its the anxiety of living with unpredictable behaviour. But I have a question, did you miss him? At any point during your weekend did you wish he was there with you? Or even think about him and what he was doing?

Not to say it matters, but I'm curious , as someone who never gets a break from my ABF...

feelingalone43

I wish I had a plan. What do we do when they say, "What do you want from me? I said I was sorry."

He told me on Friday that he thinks I have my mind made up that he can't change, and that he will only control his nastiness for a while. That we will be right back where we are now if he has a bad day, and accidentally makes a sarcastic remark. I told him that I only have past experiences to go on. We have been down this road many times. He gets angry and spouts out hurtful things, I get upset for a couple days, he apologizes, I get over it. Then we are careful around each other for a couple of weeks. Then the cycle begins again.

Difference now is that I found SR, started concentrating on my own health and happiness, and decided that I don't deserve to be treated as his "second-in-command". Marriages and parenting are supposed to be a partnership.

Wow, it feels good to write this out. Thanks, everyone.

feelingalone43

Already Alone,

No, I did not miss him. And I was so happy when I didn't get a phone call from him last night.

FindingJoy

I use to dread the weekends coming to an end as my XAB would turn back into his true A-hole self for the work week. As long as he had minimal responsibilities he could just sweet by managing life but you add in some basics like work, paying bills, having to complete tasks and he would self distruct.

So happy I'm free of that anxiety. That I can control!!!!

What can you control?

lizatola

Well, I know how you feel. My son and I were at his tennis tournament this weekend and AH stayed home. We had minimal contact; one phone call a day and a few texts. He was quite pleasant every time we talked and he did some projects around the house while we were gone. Yet, I really didn't miss him this weekend nor am I looking forward to going home.

He goes to jail next weekend so I'm sure this week will be tension filled at home. I'm really not ready to go home. Most of it is that I hate the tension, the wondering what kind of mood he's going to be in, wondering what behavior of his is he going to lie about or justify or defend. It's certainly not a good way to have a marriage. I need a break that's longer than the 3 days I've just taken and I'm planning on a 3-4 week break this summer.

Pelican

"I want time to see that your actions match your words."

I think you are doing great!
Your recovery is showing, and it looks good on you!

feelingalone43

Pelican,

Thank you for that. It is the perfect thing to say if he asks. As it is, he did come home late this morning and is trying to act as if all is right in the house. I had plans to visit with my parents today, so when I left, he wanted a kiss good bye. I gave him as brief of one as I could without being downright rude. He tried to grab my hip and pull me in for a hug, but I pulled away smoothly and told him we (me and the kids) would be back mid-afternoon.

He is now asleep in his chair as I read, and write. I don't know if he drank much over the weekend. I didn't ask, and honestly don't really care.