Endofline

So here it is Memoral Day weekend and we could be enjoying the small things in life. A walk to the beach a bike ride walking the dog laying in bed and watching movies anything doesn't need to cost money. We are apart I'm lonely no energy or desire to go out and do anything. All I do is hang around and waste my free time consumed with what is he doing who is he talking to look where our lives are because he won't just say yes I love drugs more than you. Instead he says if I just didn't try to change him, if I was just cooler things could have been different but now he wants nothing to do with me,he is moving on.he never says I know I horrible and moody with you even though you always have hope. He never says ironed your life and I do t give a damn or you don't deserve this. It always about his time and how he has wasted it with me. I don't e en like myself anymore so why would he? I look at other couples and I wonder why can't I have that idid t need someone with money, no I was was looking for something deeper a connection that money can't buy. Doesn't he ever glance over at me and miss me the way I miss him? I'm paralized by depression and ,do nothing. Nothing means anything to me anymore i hate my life. I feel like if I can't have him in it the way he use to be I dont really care. Why has this happened to me why can't I get it together and pull myself out of it?

trishlynn07

I read your post and feel as though I looked in a mirror. How many "special" days and holidays have I sat here alone, not to mention the knowledge that anyday could be a day he uses and doesn't come home. I too, have suffered a deep depression, and am currently taking medication. I was in a good place before this mess with him, and I have allowed his unhealthy choices to cause me to be unhealthy. As hard as it is, I have to let him go. I know how it hurts to know that he chooses drugs over love. So painful! I'm sorry you are going through this.

Bristolgirl07

Hi Endofline
I sympathised with your post. I too spent my weekend wondering why the guy I recently dated wasn't with me. It was a beautiful weekend and we could have been hanging out, walking the dog, riding our bikes. I felt very alone this weekend and I too look at other couples (my next door neighbours have just got married and are expecting twins) and wonder why that's not me.

I still don't understand how the guy I was seeing could prefer drugs to a real life relationship. But he didn't seem content with the normal things in life that you and I talk about doing. I think drugs makes people restless and bored easily and unable to enjoy life normally - one of the reasons why I always knew it was a bad idea to go near them.

I don't have any words of advice, I'm afraid, as I have been in this deep depression for a few weeks, even though my relationship was a relatively short one, but I just wanted you to know that I do know how you feel.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low.

Vale

Sorry for what you are going through, endofline

None of us understand why they do the things they do.
After awhile----seeing how much 'the same' addiction is.....I am not so
sure I WANT to understand why they prefer drugs to reality.

lesliej

these sorts of "holidays" can become very helpful landmarks on your journey.

I met my ex in the month of December and over the 2.5 year rocky road of recovery and relapse this is what it looked like...

1st Valentine's Day...he was in jail
2nd Valentine's Day...he was in treatment (again!)
3rd Valentine's Day...he rolled out of bed with me to go smoke crack.

the beauty of these "holidays" is that they start to create an undeniable pattern...an objective reality. you can fill in around the holidays (and all the other using days) with a lot of "yeah buts" and "but I love him" but the calendar can become a clear, grounding tool for navigating your life.

I decided that I did not want to see what the 4th Valentine's day looked like. And its not even like that day is all that important to me, but it does mark time on the calendar of MY LIFE!

the future looks good. not totally free of backward glances and little "yeah buts" and yes, I still hold love for him in my heart. I just don't want to spend my life with part of my path getting detoured by his using (and all of the oh so lovely things that go along with his using!)

lesliej

I really feel like posting a bio and a picture of him! You would never guess this is his truth!

it's hard to believe that this really IS the objective reality of a handsome intelligent gentle man! But it IS. it IS. it IS.

the love chemistry and denial create an amazing conspiracy to keep the codependent hooked in! maybe we can see it as our good traits...optimism, ability to see the good in people, hopeful, trusting, faithful, etc etc etc. but the reality on this site is that we are all here to say the in the face of active addiction these, usually powerful and positive tools that we carry, actually are a detriment to our serenity. AND they are completely and totally powerless over the active addiction.

we need to use these tools of ours, these gifts, to look toward our own future...with that hope, faith, trust and belief in good things coming our way. letting go creates the freedom for these tools to work in the way they are meant to work instead of being manipulated to enable active addiction/codependency

grayduchess

It's quite amazing how they can see us coming. They can smell the very qualities leslie mentioned and must start mentally drooling like a jackal over the scent of blood. Being faithful, hopeful, trusting and forgiving with an addict only makes the entire situation worse for everyone involved. We get caught in their whirlwind. Our lives become so entwined with their insanity that we lose ourselves and they use that against us too. My X is a professional victim. Everything is someone else's fault and somebody has to help me! Endofline, I hope we can find something to help you get through this depression phase. From my experience, it is a phase. The hard part was getting through to the other side. But the other side IS there!

FindingJoy

My XABs Bday is coming up on June 10th....this was very helpful as when I reflected on last years Bday. I took the bait and didnt want him to be alone in his Bday so I went to Vegas with him for the weekend. He had started AA and had a panic attack (real or fake not sure) and unknowingly I offered him a Valium. I've come so far.....this year he will find a way to try and reel me in but it wo t work this time I'm too healthy. YEAAAAA me


As or holidays alone I would get back with him so I wouldn't have to be alone. I chose stress, chaos, fighting, walking on eggshells, sleepless nights, for a few hours of a charming man to attend holiday parties with...now that's insane.

It's 6pm here in LA and I'm here alone with my cat. Sure I would prefer to have an maxing healthy male companion with me but until that happens I enjoy the peace, ability to do exactly what I want, a healthy meal, chic flicks, SR, and have NO sense of anxiety. Keep in mind this is after 10 days of no contact.
When you are done you are done. Now I get it.