Weasel1966

Do you think they smelled it?

How much is enough?

Do you think they know?

Wonder what I said?

How did I get home?

Why me?

Can I have just a few?

What if I fail?

Why don’t they know?

Can I even be sober?

Do they still love me?

Can I get better?

Do you think I will get fired?

Do I not love myself enough to stop?

Will I die this way?

There are so many more questions than there are answers…..

OCDDan

hi weasel, what was the reason?

Sapling

When I got into recovery I had all the answers....I just didn't have a solution.

Weasel1966

What was the reason?

Good question.

I see so many on here seemingly so strong.

Why not me?

If I have to change my sober date on this site one more time I am going to be pissed!

OCDDan

Maybe you think drinking will make you feel good. That's what i thought, and it did temporarily, now if i drink today after being sober for a while, I'll start getting the euphoria at one drink, tomorrow it would be at drink two that I'll start feeling it, then by day five nothing will make me feel good, just drunk. see i know what will happen, it's happend many, many times.

Ranger

Man-oh-man, Friend, do Those questions take me back to the last few months of my drinking career.

Accept and embrace the answer to this one, and many of the others will take care of themselves.

You can do it.

flutter

I have asked myself all of those questions, I'm grateful that I don't need to ask them anymore.

Anna

Yeah, those questions bounced around in my head for way too long.

I hope this is the last time you need to answer those, Weasel.

Weasel1966

I hope I can not ask them any more but I never want to forget them.

Getting ready to go away overnight. I planned this so I would be away at my sunday drinking time.

I go with such a heavy heart. I do not want to fail anymore.

I am sooooo tired of having to pick myself up. No one wants to hear about yet another relapse. So I won't tell you about it.

Will there be joy back in my life? That's one I never want to ask again.

JustARide

Hey Weasel,

I would bet that some of the people here that are seemingly strong have been weak from alcohol or other addictions and have slipped many times like you before getting to the place they are at now.

JustARide

At least you know you want and need something better...
now you just have to figure out how to make it work for you.

Did you ever make it to that AA meeting earlier in the week?

Weasel1966

I know it will get better... But not without more efforts. I just have such regret. I hate it.

I found out that the meeting I planned has only 2 or 3 people at it. I would not be comfortable in such an intimate meeting. There is a larger one not far that I can blend in more.

Please my SR friends... Please know I will get better... Please still stick with me. I am worth it.

changer

you absolutely ARE worth it, and i hope you believe that
maybe you could try letting go of all of those questions for now, and just focus on this one- how do i stay sober today?
i'm new into recovery, so i by no means have the answers...i just identify strongly with your struggle. right now, this question is getting me through the day.
much luck to you.

EXM6

You keep trying and that's what shows your strength. I know you feel discouraged because you keep changing your sober date on here... but you're STILL here to change it. Most people relapse and go back into the abyss of drinking, stop coming here. I know at least that is what I have done in the past.

You'll get it.

Threshold

Weasel, you are WAY worth it, I always read your threads because I identify with the way you think and feel.

Some people find the daily thought "I will not drink today" to be a key for them. Others find the thought "I will live today to the fullest" to be a great motivator.

What do you want out of your life? If you can identify a few of those things and work towards them, some of the impetus to drink is bound to fall away.

At the beginning NOT DRINKING needs to be on our "to do" list daily, for sure.

Your staying with us even as you are struggling to stop drinking shows us all the importance of seeking solutions even while we are caught up in the destructive behavior.

If we are too ashamed to come here drunk/wasted, or post and seek help drunk/wasted or in the midst of a relapse, we cut ourselves off from the very thing that might help us out.

You came and shared that you drank again, but rather than focus on the gory details, you are planning how to manage Sunday, a tough day for you, and NOT drink. You are all about the solution!

I NEED to hear that, because there are times when I have not drunk/used, but feel myself slipping into "dumb butt" mode, and need to get proactive...just like you are doing.

Your post reminds me of situations that are going on in my life that I used to address with drugs/booze, and that I need to think about how I am going to address them differently today.

Waking up, making my "to do" list, and having "Don't use" on it...frees up a lot of time and energy for other things...so I have to think about that too...wow, there is a lot to do in this great big world!

Have a great day!

Weasel1966

Threshold.... That's one of the nicest things ever said to me. Thanks you so much for the kind words. And the correct words I needed to hear.

What do I want out of life. Hmmm...

I grew up in a very abusive house. Both hitting and verbal. All my youth was spent in survival mode.there was no time to consider what I " wanted"

My 20's and early 30's were spent trying to recover and educate myself since I was forbidden to go to college when everyone else did.

I did not start drinking until I was around 30. Then I got real good at it.

So now I am 45 and not sure of what I want out of life. Growing up gay also made me always feel like an outsider to the world.

None of this is about self pity. I do not prescribe to that methodology.

My point is I need to do a little more thinking. Find what makes my heart beat a little faster. Love myself a little more.

I will get there. I have NO doubt. Just wish the road would not zig zag so much.

Ken