Now he's feeling sorry for himself
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Now he's feeling sorry for himself
He called tonight from our vacation house. At first he was just making chit-chat, but that didn't last. He was going on about how many people are in the area this weekend. It's an area with lots of vacation homes. He says he's the only one who is up there all alone, and that some are asking where I and the kids are. He has told them that we had other things going on at home this weekend and didn't want to come up. He thinks they are all starting to make assumptions about us not getting along. I told him to say whatever he wanted to say to them, and he says he doesn't want to lie to everybody. I used to concern myself about what they thought, but I let him know that it no longer matters to me. They will think what they want, no matter what he tells them.
I do not know for certain if he has been drinking or not, nor do I need to know. He sounded very down and tired. After I responded to his "I'm here all alone" with "I don't know what to tell ya", he said maybe he should just get off the phone and watch some T.V. I said, "Okay, I'll talk to ya later." It felt kind of good to not give in to the emotional black-mail or to go on and on about how going up there alone was his choice. I owe the ability to do this to all of you. Thank you!
I do not know for certain if he has been drinking or not, nor do I need to know. He sounded very down and tired. After I responded to his "I'm here all alone" with "I don't know what to tell ya", he said maybe he should just get off the phone and watch some T.V. I said, "Okay, I'll talk to ya later." It felt kind of good to not give in to the emotional black-mail or to go on and on about how going up there alone was his choice. I owe the ability to do this to all of you. Thank you!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Good for you.
He truly was trying to suck you in and get you to engage.
Alkies are the true master of the game.
I think what they fail to realize or just can't remember (blackouts) is that we already heard it 1,999,999, times before.
Enjoy your holiday weekend.
He truly was trying to suck you in and get you to engage.
Alkies are the true master of the game.
I think what they fail to realize or just can't remember (blackouts) is that we already heard it 1,999,999, times before.
Enjoy your holiday weekend.
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After our conversation, I typed out a letter to him that I haven't decided yet if he will see. Should I give it to him? It goes like this:
We didn't get to this point in one day. We certainly aren't going to get out of it in one day. Just because you used the words, "I'm sorry, I'll try to do better" doesn't automatically make all the hurt and sadness go away. Words are easy, and I've come to realize they don't mean much without some action to back them up.
I truly believe you are in need of some help that I am not qualified to give you. Your anger and lack of coping issues are not something you can just decide to have control over. I think some sort of program is in order, and I'm not sure we have much of a future if you don't seek one out. Let me know what you decide. I am going to continue living the same way I have been living. I am done pretending to be happy if I'm not. I will no longer be afraid to speak my mind. I won't tolerate being made to feel inferior or stupid, because I am neither of those. I am not, nor have I claimed to be, perfect, but I do not deserve verbal or emotional abuse.
Also, I am done worrying about whether you want to seek recovery for your alcoholism. Do what you want with that one. I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Just leave me and the kids out of it. If you want to drink yourself into oblivion, do so alone. If you've been drinking, don't call me or otherwise try to engage me in conversation. I am completely detached on this issue as long as the kids are not affected by it. That means never again using our 16-year-old son as your designated driver.
This is who I am. I am not going to change how I feel about any of this. Just as you don't want anyone trying to control you, I don't want you trying to control me. The ball's in your court.
We didn't get to this point in one day. We certainly aren't going to get out of it in one day. Just because you used the words, "I'm sorry, I'll try to do better" doesn't automatically make all the hurt and sadness go away. Words are easy, and I've come to realize they don't mean much without some action to back them up.
I truly believe you are in need of some help that I am not qualified to give you. Your anger and lack of coping issues are not something you can just decide to have control over. I think some sort of program is in order, and I'm not sure we have much of a future if you don't seek one out. Let me know what you decide. I am going to continue living the same way I have been living. I am done pretending to be happy if I'm not. I will no longer be afraid to speak my mind. I won't tolerate being made to feel inferior or stupid, because I am neither of those. I am not, nor have I claimed to be, perfect, but I do not deserve verbal or emotional abuse.
Also, I am done worrying about whether you want to seek recovery for your alcoholism. Do what you want with that one. I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Just leave me and the kids out of it. If you want to drink yourself into oblivion, do so alone. If you've been drinking, don't call me or otherwise try to engage me in conversation. I am completely detached on this issue as long as the kids are not affected by it. That means never again using our 16-year-old son as your designated driver.
This is who I am. I am not going to change how I feel about any of this. Just as you don't want anyone trying to control you, I don't want you trying to control me. The ball's in your court.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I really enjoyed reading the letter. Really thoughtful and well-written.
Don't send it to him. Sending a letter to someone is implicitly inviting a response, right? Is there part of you thinking that he'll read it and have an epiphany? Unfortunately, based on his recent behaviour, any response you get from this letter will be, "QUACKIT'SALLYOURFAULTPOORMEWHENCANIGETANOTHERDRIN KALCOHOLALCOHOLBURPALCOHOL."
Don't send it to him. Sending a letter to someone is implicitly inviting a response, right? Is there part of you thinking that he'll read it and have an epiphany? Unfortunately, based on his recent behaviour, any response you get from this letter will be, "QUACKIT'SALLYOURFAULTPOORMEWHENCANIGETANOTHERDRIN KALCOHOLALCOHOLBURPALCOHOL."
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Establishing boundaries is a good thing , and so important for your well being.
I had almost this same conversation with XA, I also told him many times, "the ball is in your court". His twisted brain's interpretation ....... drink all you want.
Educating myself regarding addiction changed my life. The ball was clearly in MY court, and I chose not to waste anymore of my life with someone who was unavailable.
Your AH husband will drink until he chooses to stop. He has to choose recovery for himself. He may choose not to recover. Even with rehab, there is no guarantee. This is who he is. Presently he is lost to addiction. It is heartbreaking to watch them slip away.
As far as the letter, perhaps being specific of your boundaries would be of more importance for you. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I can see a positive change in YOU, and afterall, this is really about you. Keep the focus on yourself. You are doing great. You are not alone. Stay strong.
I had almost this same conversation with XA, I also told him many times, "the ball is in your court". His twisted brain's interpretation ....... drink all you want.
Educating myself regarding addiction changed my life. The ball was clearly in MY court, and I chose not to waste anymore of my life with someone who was unavailable.
Your AH husband will drink until he chooses to stop. He has to choose recovery for himself. He may choose not to recover. Even with rehab, there is no guarantee. This is who he is. Presently he is lost to addiction. It is heartbreaking to watch them slip away.
As far as the letter, perhaps being specific of your boundaries would be of more importance for you. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I can see a positive change in YOU, and afterall, this is really about you. Keep the focus on yourself. You are doing great. You are not alone. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I have to agree with marie1960...the ball is in OUR court. How many times did I write letters like that? So write them for you, don't send them. Write them to establish your own personal boundaries, and to determine how you will handle situations from now on. And understand the proverbial ball is, in fact, squarely in your court, not his.
The more we try to force change onto someone else, the more likely we will get exactly what we don't want in return. Along with a bucketload of resentment from that person.
One of the best lines of advice I got was to stop talking and start doing.
The more we try to force change onto someone else, the more likely we will get exactly what we don't want in return. Along with a bucketload of resentment from that person.
One of the best lines of advice I got was to stop talking and start doing.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"One of the best lines of advice I got was to stop talking and start doing. "
__________________
YES, YES, YES........
This is applicable to so very many areas of my life. This is just what I needed to hear to get my kitchen repainted. Thanks
__________________
YES, YES, YES........
This is applicable to so very many areas of my life. This is just what I needed to hear to get my kitchen repainted. Thanks
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
You are not responsible for his feelings. He IS trying to manipulate you.
If you search AA city state, you will find there are meetings all over the place. If he has a phone, he can get to a meeting. As long as he wants to give himself a reason to drink, he'll find one. If he's not in recovery, he's most likely drinking, so he called beforehand to reinforce his reasons TO drink. It is not your responsibility what he chooses to do.
Put that letter away. Read it some time in the future. Don't give him anything to respond to. He'll just manipulate that, too, and then turn it back into something else you have done "wrong." He's an adult (sort of).
Stay strong and happy. Enjoy your Sunday!
Hugs,
If you search AA city state, you will find there are meetings all over the place. If he has a phone, he can get to a meeting. As long as he wants to give himself a reason to drink, he'll find one. If he's not in recovery, he's most likely drinking, so he called beforehand to reinforce his reasons TO drink. It is not your responsibility what he chooses to do.
Put that letter away. Read it some time in the future. Don't give him anything to respond to. He'll just manipulate that, too, and then turn it back into something else you have done "wrong." He's an adult (sort of).
Stay strong and happy. Enjoy your Sunday!
Hugs,
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"What would happen if you just straight up called him out on his emotional blackmail? " (choublak)
IMHO that exactly what you DON"T want to do. To take the bait ,allows them to continue to control. And the bigger issue of that, they just don't get it, their thinking and ability to reason are seriously impaired.
Not to mention, to continue to engage, does not allow the alkie the consequences of their own unacceptable actions.
IMHO that exactly what you DON"T want to do. To take the bait ,allows them to continue to control. And the bigger issue of that, they just don't get it, their thinking and ability to reason are seriously impaired.
Not to mention, to continue to engage, does not allow the alkie the consequences of their own unacceptable actions.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Posts: 151
I have definitely set firm boundaries on the drinking issue. Now it seems as if what is destroying us is his lack of coping with stress skills. Is this something that many A's go through when they are trying to control their drinking without a program?
Even when he is stone-cold sober, he is a temperamental brat that blurts out hurtful things without concern of hurting someone. Not just me, but customers, kids, friends.
Anyone else see this happen with their A?
Even when he is stone-cold sober, he is a temperamental brat that blurts out hurtful things without concern of hurting someone. Not just me, but customers, kids, friends.
Anyone else see this happen with their A?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Great letter for you to keep and re-read when times get tough. I believe you know that everything he says is alcoholic b.s. If he cares so much he would quit drinking. One thing to keep in mind is that active alcoholics like to hang on to codependents because they know they can't manage on their own. Your husband's higher power, God, great love of his life is alcohol which comes before everything.
You're doing great, you know what's going on and you make boundaries. At the same time, we're all human. Thanks for posting.
You're doing great, you know what's going on and you make boundaries. At the same time, we're all human. Thanks for posting.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by marie1960 
"What would happen if you just straight up called him out on his emotional blackmail? " (choublak)
IMHO that exactly what you DON"T want to do. To take the bait ,allows them to continue to control. And the bigger issue of that, they just don't get it, their thinking and ability to reason are seriously impaired.
Not to mention, to continue to engage, does not allow the alkie the consequences of their own unacceptable actions.
IMHO that exactly what you DON"T want to do. To take the bait ,allows them to continue to control. And the bigger issue of that, they just don't get it, their thinking and ability to reason are seriously impaired.
Not to mention, to continue to engage, does not allow the alkie the consequences of their own unacceptable actions.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
XA had to maintain a constant level of alcohol to be a functioning human.
Without it he was moody and highly tempermental.
No patience, no coping skills.
Did not posess an ounce of empathy for the rest of mankind.
He did not have the concentration to even do simple household chores .
If he tried to go a day without drinking, he would turn into a vicious attack dog.
Never needed to seek help, as there was absolutely no problem.
All that mattered truly mattered was the booze..
To have a front row seat,
and witness firsthand,
addiction at work,
will remain a life altering experience.
Without it he was moody and highly tempermental.
No patience, no coping skills.
Did not posess an ounce of empathy for the rest of mankind.
He did not have the concentration to even do simple household chores .
If he tried to go a day without drinking, he would turn into a vicious attack dog.
Never needed to seek help, as there was absolutely no problem.
All that mattered truly mattered was the booze..
To have a front row seat,
and witness firsthand,
addiction at work,
will remain a life altering experience.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"I don't see it as taking the bait or engaging if you just say, "don't pull that sh*t with me" and then end the conversation. Quite the opposite actually." (choulbak)
Oh choublak, if only it were that simple and easy.
I had to almost remove myself from my own life, in order to get it back. And by that I mean, i had to intentionally avoid certain settings, in order to get my point across, that I would not be accepting anymore of the unacceptable actions/ bullsh*it. I had to be accountable to myself for my actions and my choices.
I certainly can appreciate your spunk!!!
Oh choublak, if only it were that simple and easy.
I had to almost remove myself from my own life, in order to get it back. And by that I mean, i had to intentionally avoid certain settings, in order to get my point across, that I would not be accepting anymore of the unacceptable actions/ bullsh*it. I had to be accountable to myself for my actions and my choices.
I certainly can appreciate your spunk!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Saying or writing anything to him is what he wants and then he can twist it into whatever he needs. Even if you wrote please don't call or I'm busy he would twist into yoy don't love me, why bother, blah blah
Say thing nothing gives him nothing extra to spin on and more importantly less frustration for you
Say thing nothing gives him nothing extra to spin on and more importantly less frustration for you
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