need advice!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Austin Texas
Posts: 4
need advice!
I just had to admit my boyfriend to a treatment center last week. I have never been through this before and I have so many emotions that I don't know how to sort through...
When we met he was a drinker and I didn't realize how bad of a problem he had until a few months into the relationship. Now its a year later and here we are. Now Im supposed to be there for his support (which I will do) but also get help for myself. I am so overwhelmed. He tells me how much he loves me and wants to get help for us but now Im finding myself wondering if his feelings and love for me are even real since he has been an alcoholic since we met. I know it sounds selfish and I love him so much but I am so scared he will get out and be a completely different person. How am I supposed to stick by him and go through so much for him but be so uncertain if his feelings for me are real or if he just loves me because I put up with his alcoholism and catered to him from the beginning? Is it possible for someone who is an alcoholic to really fall in love with someone for who they are when they are so under the influence? I'm so confused and torn.....
When we met he was a drinker and I didn't realize how bad of a problem he had until a few months into the relationship. Now its a year later and here we are. Now Im supposed to be there for his support (which I will do) but also get help for myself. I am so overwhelmed. He tells me how much he loves me and wants to get help for us but now Im finding myself wondering if his feelings and love for me are even real since he has been an alcoholic since we met. I know it sounds selfish and I love him so much but I am so scared he will get out and be a completely different person. How am I supposed to stick by him and go through so much for him but be so uncertain if his feelings for me are real or if he just loves me because I put up with his alcoholism and catered to him from the beginning? Is it possible for someone who is an alcoholic to really fall in love with someone for who they are when they are so under the influence? I'm so confused and torn.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
In my opinion and experience the answer is no. People who hate themselves and have deep issues leading them to use drugs and alcohol to disappear are NOT emotional available or able to truly love you..
They may say they do and think they do but not possible to love another if you don't love yourself.
Hope that helps
They may say they do and think they do but not possible to love another if you don't love yourself.
Hope that helps
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I wish I had an answer about your future and the future of your relationship. I know that this seems like a silly reply, but in the rooms of Alanon and AA we are taught to take things "One Day at a Time".
For me, that meant understanding that I did not arrive in my situation overnight, so I needed to give myself time to figure things out and make a plan for a healthier life.
Some things that helped me along the way have been reading and posting here at SR, attending Alanon meetings, reading literature on alcoholism and also reading self-improvement books. Taking care of myself gave me the self-confidence to belive that no matter what happened to my alcoholic loved one ~ I was going to be okay.
I think you are going to be okay too! You are reaching out for support and that is a positive step in taking care of YOU. Keep reaching out , because you are worth the effort!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I wish I had an answer about your future and the future of your relationship. I know that this seems like a silly reply, but in the rooms of Alanon and AA we are taught to take things "One Day at a Time".
For me, that meant understanding that I did not arrive in my situation overnight, so I needed to give myself time to figure things out and make a plan for a healthier life.
Some things that helped me along the way have been reading and posting here at SR, attending Alanon meetings, reading literature on alcoholism and also reading self-improvement books. Taking care of myself gave me the self-confidence to belive that no matter what happened to my alcoholic loved one ~ I was going to be okay.
I think you are going to be okay too! You are reaching out for support and that is a positive step in taking care of YOU. Keep reaching out , because you are worth the effort!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome...sorry for the reason you are here but you are wise to seek information and think through a future with an alcoholic... it is tricky stuff.
Alanon, this site and lots of reading... all good. Another invaluable piece of the puzzle for me was a great counselor who understands addiction and codependency. Even with all of these resources I was emeshed and very sick in codepency with my XA for four long years before breaking free and finding joy, peace and true happiness.
Alanon, this site and lots of reading... all good. Another invaluable piece of the puzzle for me was a great counselor who understands addiction and codependency. Even with all of these resources I was emeshed and very sick in codepency with my XA for four long years before breaking free and finding joy, peace and true happiness.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
welcome to the site!
all good stuff above. I've never been in your position and wish you luck. I remember wondering the same thing with my exah: would he still want me, would he even like me when he was sober, given that all our life together was in the shadow of his drinking (which was pure fantasy on my part he has never stopped drinking for even a day).
the flip side applies too, I may not have liked him sober, the person I loved was a drinking alcoholic, and I put all the bits I didn't like about his behaviour down to that. but i'm told sobriety is no magic bullet.
Unfortunately no-one has a crystal ball, his being safe and supported in rehab surrounded by proffessionals trained and paid to help him through this, gives you a great opportunity to focus solely on your happiness and life so that no matter what the future brings you are equipped to make good choices for you.
welcome!
all good stuff above. I've never been in your position and wish you luck. I remember wondering the same thing with my exah: would he still want me, would he even like me when he was sober, given that all our life together was in the shadow of his drinking (which was pure fantasy on my part he has never stopped drinking for even a day).
the flip side applies too, I may not have liked him sober, the person I loved was a drinking alcoholic, and I put all the bits I didn't like about his behaviour down to that. but i'm told sobriety is no magic bullet.
Unfortunately no-one has a crystal ball, his being safe and supported in rehab surrounded by proffessionals trained and paid to help him through this, gives you a great opportunity to focus solely on your happiness and life so that no matter what the future brings you are equipped to make good choices for you.
welcome!
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