Codie Hell aka DOC
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: SW PA
Posts: 52
Codie Hell aka DOC
Feeling the need to rant...rave....whine... or maybe just... let it out. I often say I talk to myself because at least then I know someone is listening 
I read in another thread something so close to my reality it shook me to the foundation. It's over... after nearly 11 years of Codie Hell, it was over nearly a month ago.
He left a message the other day. Totally innocuous, (it would seem to a normie) he said " I hope you had a nice Mother's Day, it was good to hear your voice, if only on an answering machine. I hope everything is going well for you. Take care of yourself." I cut off my cell phone because he POUNDED on that. I didn't think he would really even think to call the VOiP phone because he didn't seem to understand how that worked. (or maybe I secretly hoped he would try and that left a crack in the door).
Innocuous ****! He knows me well enough to know that "Hi friend, how are you? Take care!" would drive me NUTZ! His own special brand of manipulation! Ah... manipulation... that is what finally brought it to an end. That and catching him cheating for the 12th time.. oh, and screaming at me in front of the whole neighborhood and two policemen that he hated my guts and wanted me out of HIS house (long story there) while apparently relapsing after over a year sober, only to tell me the next day WHILE I was packing that he didn't want me to go.
He truly is my DOC!! I've said it before... even TO him, but I didn't fully realize just how honest that is. I know how bad life with him is. I can't stand anymore but yet... after the anger winds down I only want to be with him. "just because we can't live together doesn't mean I can't see him, right?" my Please Sabotage Me self says.
I want a hit of my DOC. All I can think about is him. I see him, or signs of him everywhere and in everything. Every time the phone rings I am afraid it's him and yet I'm hoping it is him. He tried to call once at work but I refused to take the call. I told my coworker to say I wasn't there. I've stood firm...so far. I want him to call, but I'm afraid he WILL call. I think I want to know that he misses me too. I think I want to see a sign that he doesn't want this to be over but yet my head knows that no sane person would tolerate the **** I've tolerated. No sane person would believe there is anything there aside from what has been proven over and over for nearly 11 years. I KNOW that him reaching out to me is only another attempt at manipulation. He doesn't care about me, he only cares about what I can do/have done/might do for him.
There isn't one single thing about this relationship that is healthy ( "what would you know about healthy?", my Codie says, "how can someone as twisted up as you are have a 'healthy relationship'?") Ahhhhh... hang on, girl, don't do it! Don't give up the ground you've gained... Don't put yourself through this anymore!
I read in another thread something so close to my reality it shook me to the foundation. It's over... after nearly 11 years of Codie Hell, it was over nearly a month ago. He left a message the other day. Totally innocuous, (it would seem to a normie) he said " I hope you had a nice Mother's Day, it was good to hear your voice, if only on an answering machine. I hope everything is going well for you. Take care of yourself." I cut off my cell phone because he POUNDED on that. I didn't think he would really even think to call the VOiP phone because he didn't seem to understand how that worked. (or maybe I secretly hoped he would try and that left a crack in the door).
Innocuous ****! He knows me well enough to know that "Hi friend, how are you? Take care!" would drive me NUTZ! His own special brand of manipulation! Ah... manipulation... that is what finally brought it to an end. That and catching him cheating for the 12th time.. oh, and screaming at me in front of the whole neighborhood and two policemen that he hated my guts and wanted me out of HIS house (long story there) while apparently relapsing after over a year sober, only to tell me the next day WHILE I was packing that he didn't want me to go.
He truly is my DOC!! I've said it before... even TO him, but I didn't fully realize just how honest that is. I know how bad life with him is. I can't stand anymore but yet... after the anger winds down I only want to be with him. "just because we can't live together doesn't mean I can't see him, right?" my Please Sabotage Me self says.
I want a hit of my DOC. All I can think about is him. I see him, or signs of him everywhere and in everything. Every time the phone rings I am afraid it's him and yet I'm hoping it is him. He tried to call once at work but I refused to take the call. I told my coworker to say I wasn't there. I've stood firm...so far. I want him to call, but I'm afraid he WILL call. I think I want to know that he misses me too. I think I want to see a sign that he doesn't want this to be over but yet my head knows that no sane person would tolerate the **** I've tolerated. No sane person would believe there is anything there aside from what has been proven over and over for nearly 11 years. I KNOW that him reaching out to me is only another attempt at manipulation. He doesn't care about me, he only cares about what I can do/have done/might do for him.
There isn't one single thing about this relationship that is healthy ( "what would you know about healthy?", my Codie says, "how can someone as twisted up as you are have a 'healthy relationship'?") Ahhhhh... hang on, girl, don't do it! Don't give up the ground you've gained... Don't put yourself through this anymore!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I read back a little and noticed that your last time posting was last year. You need support, both online and face-to-face. We can handle the online part, but you might want to consider al-anon or nar-anon meetings for face-to-face help. I noticed you said you were using al-anon online, but face-to-face support can really be more beneficial.
Just like the addict must do for recovery, so must the co-dependent. You must want recovery more than anything and be willing to do whatever is necessary to achieve it. That may mean blocking him from all communication...phone, email, face-to-face, facebook or whatever way he might use to invade your serenity. If you truly want this to end, you are going to have to be the one to make it stop. We are here to support you.
Just like the addict must do for recovery, so must the co-dependent. You must want recovery more than anything and be willing to do whatever is necessary to achieve it. That may mean blocking him from all communication...phone, email, face-to-face, facebook or whatever way he might use to invade your serenity. If you truly want this to end, you are going to have to be the one to make it stop. We are here to support you.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Red bank nj
Posts: 68
I read your post and immediately knew justvhow you felt. I have been going through almost the exact same thing with my husband. After all he has done I still want him to love and want me, but all he does is tell me how much he can't stand me and to get the he'll out and sometimes he will justbsay go die I hate you. I cant believe this is happening and that I would let anyone treat me this way. I know in my mind that afterball that has been said and done he will never go back to respecting me, yet don't want anyone else. I occasionally force myself to go out and be around people and I always find someone that seems nice and would like tomgetbto know me but I really don't let them. I can't wait tomget back home and see my husband he is the one I want and love and want to share mynlife with. My life hasn't been healthy or normal in so long and yet Im finding it so hard to let go. What's wrong with me it's been years now and things only get worse. He has humiliated me in every way and yet I would cut off my right arm to have him. Do I waste the restyle my life lingering until he finally pulls the plug?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: SW PA
Posts: 52
You're right, of course, Suki. I'm not doing everything I need to do to help myself. Could it be because I really don't want to get over this/him? I put down the bottle and the crack pipe on my own. Leaving him alone has become a horse of a different color. I came here originally looking for help to get a better understanding of the dynamics of recovery and the effect of his recovery on our relationship. Two weeks after my last post last year we signed a lease and moved in to our first real home that was truly "ours". The first 3 weeks or so were pure bliss, the happiest I've ever been in my life. All indications were he was feeling the same way. Unfortunately, that happiness was short-lived. It then went on a downhill slide until it crashed. Thanks for the group hug
Endofline, I've been asking myself for years how I can possibly keep going back for more! What is it that allows me to push all the ugliness to the side and hold so tightly on to some twisted belief that there is still hope? Why would I even want to be with someone who I can't trust in any way? Why would I still feel love for a man who would throw me under the bus in a heartbeat? Who would lie to me, steal from me, cheat on me, and is quite capable of mentally and/or physically abusing me and acting like I'm something that needs scraped off his shoe?
I spent 20 years with my first husband. He was (what seems to me now) a simple A. With him when I was done, I was done. Looking back on it now, I think I began to mentally prepare myself a couple years in advance but at the end it wasn't difficult at all to just cut him off from my life, my heart and my mind. He cut himself off from his children after we broke up. This one... I can't seem to free myself. I stretch out the leash but never cut it loose. I came close a couple of years ago when I moved out of the city with my adult daughter, another codie. I really felt like I was beginning to have a life but then she moved her Abf in who was friends with mine and her bf wanted us to live together like one big unhappy family and so it went...
I quit smoking cigarettes once. I lasted 3 months. When I caved and started smoking again it tightened its grip on me. That's kind of how this feels. I made a break once but once I went back it's now a death grip...
Endofline, I've been asking myself for years how I can possibly keep going back for more! What is it that allows me to push all the ugliness to the side and hold so tightly on to some twisted belief that there is still hope? Why would I even want to be with someone who I can't trust in any way? Why would I still feel love for a man who would throw me under the bus in a heartbeat? Who would lie to me, steal from me, cheat on me, and is quite capable of mentally and/or physically abusing me and acting like I'm something that needs scraped off his shoe?
I spent 20 years with my first husband. He was (what seems to me now) a simple A. With him when I was done, I was done. Looking back on it now, I think I began to mentally prepare myself a couple years in advance but at the end it wasn't difficult at all to just cut him off from my life, my heart and my mind. He cut himself off from his children after we broke up. This one... I can't seem to free myself. I stretch out the leash but never cut it loose. I came close a couple of years ago when I moved out of the city with my adult daughter, another codie. I really felt like I was beginning to have a life but then she moved her Abf in who was friends with mine and her bf wanted us to live together like one big unhappy family and so it went...
I quit smoking cigarettes once. I lasted 3 months. When I caved and started smoking again it tightened its grip on me. That's kind of how this feels. I made a break once but once I went back it's now a death grip...
Last edited by grayduchess; 05-26-2012 at 05:28 PM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Red bank nj
Posts: 68
Yes it's mental anguish for me, I really want him to love me and make me feel special like he use to but it's been years since that has happened and he has humiliated me in so many ways and to so many people I feel like a fool. Especially to my kids who I'm setting the worst example. In the beginning I thought I was showing them that love and patience was a virtue and not to be so quickly to judge people but rather help the person who is down on their luck. I'm sure just by looking at their faces I look pathetic in their eyes and they have become distant from me. All my hopes and dreams of all of us being happy are now never .going to happen. there are times that I feel strong and I'm sure I won't let him think that I even care about him but those times are few and short lived most of the time I'm either on the verge of tears or filled with such anxiety that I can barely get through the day and do the normal things people have to do. Everything reminds me of him songs places friends. I feel like the only way I'm going to be able to cut ties is to move far away and I don't have the money to do that. For so long I didn't want to cut ties I didn't want to forget the feelings I have for him but I dontthink I'm going to make it if I don't clearly he doesn't seem to care. Why is this happening what did I do in life to deserve this ? I'm such a giving person why does this have to be my fate? I'm sitting here home alone once again. I have no idea where he is. I could go out and probably should just to be around people but I have no desire. I'm really feeling like my life is over.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((grayduchess))) - I also put down the alcohol, then opiates, then the crack pipe. I had been lurking on here for about 2 years, kept getting drawn to the F&F forum.
I wasn't raised with addiction or codepenency (think I was born a codie) as the first guy I hooked up with? Functioning alcoholic. Spent about 20 years with him, totally lost myself...turned to substances to deal with what I couldn't deal with. Left him, found two OTHER XABFs.
After enough consequences, I said "I'm done...with addiction, with codependency". That was a little over 5 years ago. Thanks to the consequences of my addiction, I am back to living at home...stepmom is an A, dad is a raging codie, and I try to hold my head above water to keep from drowning.
I honestly don't know what I DO want in a mate, but I damned sure know what I don't want. I tell myself I want someone to complement my life...not complete it. BTDT, got the t-shirts. I'm still working on me. Most people don't take as long as I have, but I have 25+ years of choosing the wrong men.
I have isolated, I have clung to SR as my life-line, and I keep working on me. I am better at picking out red flags, but I still have the tendency to "bad boy syndrome"
You're life isn't over, sweetie. You're just starting another life where everything is new, feels uncomfortable and scary. Keep working on YOU! Yeah, I'm still working on that, but I've made huge progress. Yes, I'm still alone, but I'm learning more about me, and that just can't be a bad thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I wasn't raised with addiction or codepenency (think I was born a codie) as the first guy I hooked up with? Functioning alcoholic. Spent about 20 years with him, totally lost myself...turned to substances to deal with what I couldn't deal with. Left him, found two OTHER XABFs.
After enough consequences, I said "I'm done...with addiction, with codependency". That was a little over 5 years ago. Thanks to the consequences of my addiction, I am back to living at home...stepmom is an A, dad is a raging codie, and I try to hold my head above water to keep from drowning.
I honestly don't know what I DO want in a mate, but I damned sure know what I don't want. I tell myself I want someone to complement my life...not complete it. BTDT, got the t-shirts. I'm still working on me. Most people don't take as long as I have, but I have 25+ years of choosing the wrong men.
I have isolated, I have clung to SR as my life-line, and I keep working on me. I am better at picking out red flags, but I still have the tendency to "bad boy syndrome"
You're life isn't over, sweetie. You're just starting another life where everything is new, feels uncomfortable and scary. Keep working on YOU! Yeah, I'm still working on that, but I've made huge progress. Yes, I'm still alone, but I'm learning more about me, and that just can't be a bad thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: SW PA
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Endofline 
Yes it's mental anguish for me, I really want him to love me and make me feel special like he use to but it's been years since that has happened and he has humiliated me in so many ways and to so many people I feel like a fool. Especially to my kids who I'm setting the worst example. In the beginning I thought I was showing them that love and patience was a virtue and not to be so quickly to judge people but rather help the person who is down on their luck. I'm sure just by looking at their faces I look pathetic in their eyes and they have become distant from me. All my hopes and dreams of all of us being happy are now never .going to happen. there are times that I feel strong and I'm sure I won't let him think that I even care about him but those times are few and short lived most of the time I'm either on the verge of tears or filled with such anxiety that I can barely get through the day and do the normal things people have to do. Everything reminds me of him songs places friends. I feel like the only way I'm going to be able to cut ties is to move far away and I don't have the money to do that. For so long I didn't want to cut ties I didn't want to forget the feelings I have for him but I dontthink I'm going to make it if I don't clearly he doesn't seem to care. Why is this happening what did I do in life to deserve this ? I'm such a giving person why does this have to be my fate? I'm sitting here home alone once again. I have no idea where he is. I could go out and probably should just to be around people but I have no desire. I'm really feeling like my life is over.
Hang in there
hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: SW PA
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
(((grayduchess))) - I also put down the alcohol, then opiates, then the crack pipe. I had been lurking on here for about 2 years, kept getting drawn to the F&F forum.
I wasn't raised with addiction or codepenency (think I was born a codie) as the first guy I hooked up with? Functioning alcoholic. Spent about 20 years with him, totally lost myself...turned to substances to deal with what I couldn't deal with. Left him, found two OTHER XABFs.
After enough consequences, I said "I'm done...with addiction, with codependency". That was a little over 5 years ago. Thanks to the consequences of my addiction, I am back to living at home...stepmom is an A, dad is a raging codie, and I try to hold my head above water to keep from drowning.
I honestly don't know what I DO want in a mate, but I damned sure know what I don't want. I tell myself I want someone to complement my life...not complete it. BTDT, got the t-shirts. I'm still working on me. Most people don't take as long as I have, but I have 25+ years of choosing the wrong men.
I have isolated, I have clung to SR as my life-line, and I keep working on me. I am better at picking out red flags, but I still have the tendency to "bad boy syndrome"
You're life isn't over, sweetie. You're just starting another life where everything is new, feels uncomfortable and scary. Keep working on YOU! Yeah, I'm still working on that, but I've made huge progress. Yes, I'm still alone, but I'm learning more about me, and that just can't be a bad thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I wasn't raised with addiction or codepenency (think I was born a codie) as the first guy I hooked up with? Functioning alcoholic. Spent about 20 years with him, totally lost myself...turned to substances to deal with what I couldn't deal with. Left him, found two OTHER XABFs.
After enough consequences, I said "I'm done...with addiction, with codependency". That was a little over 5 years ago. Thanks to the consequences of my addiction, I am back to living at home...stepmom is an A, dad is a raging codie, and I try to hold my head above water to keep from drowning.
I honestly don't know what I DO want in a mate, but I damned sure know what I don't want. I tell myself I want someone to complement my life...not complete it. BTDT, got the t-shirts. I'm still working on me. Most people don't take as long as I have, but I have 25+ years of choosing the wrong men.
I have isolated, I have clung to SR as my life-line, and I keep working on me. I am better at picking out red flags, but I still have the tendency to "bad boy syndrome"
You're life isn't over, sweetie. You're just starting another life where everything is new, feels uncomfortable and scary. Keep working on YOU! Yeah, I'm still working on that, but I've made huge progress. Yes, I'm still alone, but I'm learning more about me, and that just can't be a bad thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: SW PA
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by anvilhead
that's a horrible legacy, duchess...YOU can break that chain....you can choose to live a different way. you are absolutely worthy of the best life ever. there is no "happily ever after" at least not the way the fairytales portray it.....but there IS much joy, much tingly serenity, calming zen moments to be had.
shun negativity. embrace abundance. live as fully as possible instead of merely exist, get by. our recovery is like moving into a a new house, all the walls are painted white, no curtains, appliances, furniture...just a blank slate. how we fill those rooms, the motif, the message, the montage.....WE get to choose that. no need to rush, but standing still won't get us anywhere either.
shun negativity. embrace abundance. live as fully as possible instead of merely exist, get by. our recovery is like moving into a a new house, all the walls are painted white, no curtains, appliances, furniture...just a blank slate. how we fill those rooms, the motif, the message, the montage.....WE get to choose that. no need to rush, but standing still won't get us anywhere either.
Blank slate... how I long for that. My slate is covered with novelty ink. No matter how many times I erase the board the writing on the wall keeps reappearing. Sometimes just a word or two and other times entire paragraphs...
I think the two things that are the most self-defeating for me are the loneliness and the lack of physical contact. I am a very touch-oriented person. My first husband slept wrapped around me. My most recent partner would instantly wake up if I removed my hand from him. I feel like I'm in a sensory deprivation tank right now...
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Location: Alabama
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(((((((((grayduchess))))
I have no words of wisdom for you but I do know how you feel. I am back and forth to the point you are if it wasn't for SR and my F2F meetings I would have likely let my AH move back in already. He has been gone one month today. I am proud of myself.
I remember when this first started in November 2009 I kept listening to a song by Beyonce, Posion is the name of the song and that fit me too a T.
I have no words of wisdom for you but I do know how you feel. I am back and forth to the point you are if it wasn't for SR and my F2F meetings I would have likely let my AH move back in already. He has been gone one month today. I am proud of myself.
I remember when this first started in November 2009 I kept listening to a song by Beyonce, Posion is the name of the song and that fit me too a T.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by grayduchess
Blank slate... how I long for that. My slate is covered with novelty ink. No matter how many times I erase the board the writing on the wall keeps reappearing. Sometimes just a word or two and other times entire paragraphs...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Posts: 52
crazybabie - I'm proud of you too! I'm coming up on 2 months since I left him but I don't feel like I deserve much credit for that. Part of the time my son acted as "bouncer" and kept him from getting to me. My son even took my cell phone and let me use his for the first few days. I think if he was still giving it enough effort I would have relented by now but fortunately for me there is only one thing he continually gives all his attention to and that's himself... I need to start hitting F2F meetings. I found a local one this Thursday. Now all I have to do is follow through...
BTW I LOVE the signature line!
Shockozulu - I think the hardest part is getting started. The next hardest part is staying your ground... I'm glad my words helped you. My words, and the words of many others help me too. My emotions are what keep working on my defeat. I listen to the Word on the radio a lot. They talk often about "the flesh" - the sins of the flesh, the desires of the flesh, etc. I've decided it is my flesh that misses him. My mind knows full well the futility of it all. My mind remembers all the physical and mental abuse, the humiliation, the lies, the cheating and the stealing. My senses remember only the intimate moments. The addictive personality, whatever your DOC is, constantly seeking that physical fix...
but fortunately for me there is only one thing he continually gives all his attention to and that's himself... I need to start hitting F2F meetings. I found a local one this Thursday. Now all I have to do is follow through...BTW I LOVE the signature line!
Shockozulu - I think the hardest part is getting started. The next hardest part is staying your ground... I'm glad my words helped you. My words, and the words of many others help me too. My emotions are what keep working on my defeat. I listen to the Word on the radio a lot. They talk often about "the flesh" - the sins of the flesh, the desires of the flesh, etc. I've decided it is my flesh that misses him. My mind knows full well the futility of it all. My mind remembers all the physical and mental abuse, the humiliation, the lies, the cheating and the stealing. My senses remember only the intimate moments. The addictive personality, whatever your DOC is, constantly seeking that physical fix...
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