He's sorry...all better now?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
He's sorry...all better now?
He says he's sorry for being mean (verbally) to me, and takes all the blame for his recent behavior. He claims he wouldn't blame me a bit if we are done and would understand if I can't take it anymore. He also says he will do whatever it takes to not lose me and what we have (but will not commit to counseling).
I told him that I don't have any answers right now as to what our future holds. I let him know that actions speak louder than words, and that I'm sure he can control his outbursts for a time. I am so tired of this cycle. What happens next time he gets too stressed? He says he'll make sure not to take on too much at one time. What about all the things I do that bug him? He'll do whatever he can to be able to deal with those like "normal" people do.
Of course, all this comes after he has had some down time to reflect on how he's been acting. Now that his mind isn't consumed with all the stuff on his plate, he feels guilty for being nasty. And naturally, he can only get better if I support him.
This doesn't seem to have anything to do with drinking, and he can't say I'm trying to control him, because I've gotten to the point of embracing the three C's. He did snidely comment on the fact that if a guest comes here, I will offer them a beer (or pop, or tea, or water, but he just hears the beer part), but that I won't go buy his beer for him. I told him it's because these guests are not addicted to it. Just as I would not give one of my prescription pain pills (if I had any) to someone I knew was addicted to them. He had no answer for that one.
I also had the opportunity to tell him how it feels to have him talk bad about people for doing some of the same things he does. He hates when people give kids, or animals extra attention when they are acting up, that it is rewarding bad behavior. But last year he got a ticket for having an open intox on public property. So when he went to court for it a month later, he decided he may as well go to a NASCAR race, and a baseball game while he was there. So he spent money on a hotel, court fines, race tickets, and baseball tickets for himself and a friend. Can you say "hypocrite"?
Right now I am at the point of feeling like whatever happens, happens. I am going to continue living my life, visiting with my family, being a good mom to my kids, and he can get help with his issues, or not.
Thanks again for letting me vent. Feels so good to write it down, and re-read it. It confirms my belief that he is the one with the problem, so he is the one who needs to deal with it.
I told him that I don't have any answers right now as to what our future holds. I let him know that actions speak louder than words, and that I'm sure he can control his outbursts for a time. I am so tired of this cycle. What happens next time he gets too stressed? He says he'll make sure not to take on too much at one time. What about all the things I do that bug him? He'll do whatever he can to be able to deal with those like "normal" people do.
Of course, all this comes after he has had some down time to reflect on how he's been acting. Now that his mind isn't consumed with all the stuff on his plate, he feels guilty for being nasty. And naturally, he can only get better if I support him.
This doesn't seem to have anything to do with drinking, and he can't say I'm trying to control him, because I've gotten to the point of embracing the three C's. He did snidely comment on the fact that if a guest comes here, I will offer them a beer (or pop, or tea, or water, but he just hears the beer part), but that I won't go buy his beer for him. I told him it's because these guests are not addicted to it. Just as I would not give one of my prescription pain pills (if I had any) to someone I knew was addicted to them. He had no answer for that one.
I also had the opportunity to tell him how it feels to have him talk bad about people for doing some of the same things he does. He hates when people give kids, or animals extra attention when they are acting up, that it is rewarding bad behavior. But last year he got a ticket for having an open intox on public property. So when he went to court for it a month later, he decided he may as well go to a NASCAR race, and a baseball game while he was there. So he spent money on a hotel, court fines, race tickets, and baseball tickets for himself and a friend. Can you say "hypocrite"?
Right now I am at the point of feeling like whatever happens, happens. I am going to continue living my life, visiting with my family, being a good mom to my kids, and he can get help with his issues, or not.
Thanks again for letting me vent. Feels so good to write it down, and re-read it. It confirms my belief that he is the one with the problem, so he is the one who needs to deal with it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
¨He also says he will do whatever it takes to not lose me and what we have (but will not commit to counseling).¨
Guess he's not really ready to do WHATEVER it takes. Only whatever it takes that is convenient for him. Forget what he says, pay attention to what he DOES.
Keep on making and living your own life and taking care of yourself and your children first.
Guess he's not really ready to do WHATEVER it takes. Only whatever it takes that is convenient for him. Forget what he says, pay attention to what he DOES.
Keep on making and living your own life and taking care of yourself and your children first.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Feeling alone,
I LOOOOOVE when the A says they will do whatever it takes.
Let him know what YOUR life will look like in the future. Is it 100% alcohol free every waking moment? This is a glorious thing... when I promised myself that this was my forever future it changed my life.
If that is what you want... make a vow to yourself. Make a line in the sand. Pour concrete in the line.
Want a peaceful happy marriage? Want real love? A giving and caring mate? Promise yourself that you wont settle for less. Communicate this.
Statistically with our A/Codie relationships already in the dumpster the only slim teeny tiny hope is .... COUNSELING!
Oh... won't do that. Ok. this is easy. Call me when you change your mind.
Hope that helps. Take what you want and leave the rest. Hugs your way.
I LOOOOOVE when the A says they will do whatever it takes.
Let him know what YOUR life will look like in the future. Is it 100% alcohol free every waking moment? This is a glorious thing... when I promised myself that this was my forever future it changed my life.
If that is what you want... make a vow to yourself. Make a line in the sand. Pour concrete in the line.
Want a peaceful happy marriage? Want real love? A giving and caring mate? Promise yourself that you wont settle for less. Communicate this.
Statistically with our A/Codie relationships already in the dumpster the only slim teeny tiny hope is .... COUNSELING!
Oh... won't do that. Ok. this is easy. Call me when you change your mind.
Hope that helps. Take what you want and leave the rest. Hugs your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Unfortunately, he won't be able to control his outbursts "for a time" as they are directly related to alcoholism, which is active every minute of every hour of every day and is completely out of his control. He has lost control of his drinking, his behavior, his thinking, his choices, his marriage and his entire life.
He will continue to manipulate you with language ("I will do anything not to lose you." "I wouldn't blame you if you left me"). The words are a hook. We take that bait and then we dangle helplessly while he controls our days, our family life, our relationship needs, our spiritual health, our relationships with our children-- because his alcoholism controls our equilibrium, and every aspect of our life is affected by our mental and emotional equilibrium.
The three C's are certainly true. But the fourth C is CHOICE. What choice, therefore, will I make for my health, my children's health, and even, the alcoholic's health?
So you will need, eventually, to reach a place of choice, after you have been on the merry-go-round of his untreated alcoholism which controls your family.
Keep seeking recovery so that when it is time to make choices, you will feel strong and know why.
He will continue to manipulate you with language ("I will do anything not to lose you." "I wouldn't blame you if you left me"). The words are a hook. We take that bait and then we dangle helplessly while he controls our days, our family life, our relationship needs, our spiritual health, our relationships with our children-- because his alcoholism controls our equilibrium, and every aspect of our life is affected by our mental and emotional equilibrium.
The three C's are certainly true. But the fourth C is CHOICE. What choice, therefore, will I make for my health, my children's health, and even, the alcoholic's health?
So you will need, eventually, to reach a place of choice, after you have been on the merry-go-round of his untreated alcoholism which controls your family.
Keep seeking recovery so that when it is time to make choices, you will feel strong and know why.
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