Coming Out of the Shadows
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 392
Coming Out of the Shadows
Hello, I have been lurking for a few days in the different forums and I thought that it was time to join in the conversation.
I feel like my greatest addiction is codependency. It is the one that I have been indulging in the longest... probably my whole life. My mother was an active alcoholic until she was hospitalized a few months ago. She died of cirrhosis last month. I have been grieving the loss of my mom for many years now, the beautiful person she was, had been nearly completely overshadowed by the insanity of her disease. With her death I had to give up my last shred of hope that she would choose recovery.
Since I hit puberty I have been in and out of codependent relationships with men. My latest was a guy I met on a dating site when I was 19. He was a meth/crack addict and out of control diabetic that I moved in with me the day that I met him (wow that was crazy!). I was still on the rebound from my last boyfriend and used this guy like a drug to validate my own self-worth.
He introduced me to cannabis a few weeks later and I began my descent into substance abuse. I tried a handful of other drugs during our relationship but none took a hold of me like cannabis. I proceeded to spend a couple years of my life being either stoned or burnt out.
Then I had a psychotic episode and had to be hospitalized for a few weeks. This truly scared me and I dumped my ex and quit toking (for awhile).
I moved back into my parents' home part time and began drinking daily and excessively to numb out. I gained a huge amount of weight and felt really hopeless about my life.
Then I started a new type of therapy that completely turned my life around. I quit toking (14 months clean!) and reduced my alcohol consumption (I even managed 4 months of sobriety). I got in shape, went back to college and shed the oppressive cloud of depression.
Gradually, during the school year I began drinking again, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. Last month, a few days after my mom's passing I went to an end of the year party and did so many shots that I blacked out and couldn't get myself home safely (thank god for friends!). This really scared me. I know that I have a genetic link to alcoholism. I know that a blackout is a symptom of it. I know that alcoholism stole my loving parent from me. Since then I have had 4 drinks... I also obsess about how many drinks I consume and I have read that is a symptom too.
I have been to a few AA meetings but I guess I am still on the fence... it seems like I can control my drinking right now but I know that this disease is progressive and I am completely terrified of what could potentially happen if I do indeed carry the gene for alcoholism. I don't want to lose the beautiful life I might and do have because of some toxic drug.
I am mostly able to limit the drinks I consume but I am totally obsessed with whether or not I am drinking too much and will I end up like my mom. I almost always count my drinks and mentally beat myself up over drinking.
So for me, alcoholic or not, I feel healthier and happier when I stay sober. Sometimes, I wonder if I have an alcoholic brain because it is so hard to commit to being sober forever. My mind has a ton of excuses for why it's okay for me to drink. I am young, in control, don't get the shakes etc. But I also know that this is a progressive disease and just because it is not that bad now doesn't mean that I am in the clear.
Either way, I just commit to being sober one day at a time. That is all I can do. I have 5 days under my belt so far. The weekends are always harder. I hope to find some support on this site with all of the issues I have mentioned but the drinking aspect is at the forefront of my mind right now because the other things seem to be more manageable right now.
I attend Al-anon regularly and I feel that taking care of myself means treating myself with loving kindness and to me staying sober is an important part of that process.
Thank you so much for reading this all the way through.
It made me feel better just writing it.
I feel like my greatest addiction is codependency. It is the one that I have been indulging in the longest... probably my whole life. My mother was an active alcoholic until she was hospitalized a few months ago. She died of cirrhosis last month. I have been grieving the loss of my mom for many years now, the beautiful person she was, had been nearly completely overshadowed by the insanity of her disease. With her death I had to give up my last shred of hope that she would choose recovery.
Since I hit puberty I have been in and out of codependent relationships with men. My latest was a guy I met on a dating site when I was 19. He was a meth/crack addict and out of control diabetic that I moved in with me the day that I met him (wow that was crazy!). I was still on the rebound from my last boyfriend and used this guy like a drug to validate my own self-worth.
He introduced me to cannabis a few weeks later and I began my descent into substance abuse. I tried a handful of other drugs during our relationship but none took a hold of me like cannabis. I proceeded to spend a couple years of my life being either stoned or burnt out.
Then I had a psychotic episode and had to be hospitalized for a few weeks. This truly scared me and I dumped my ex and quit toking (for awhile).
I moved back into my parents' home part time and began drinking daily and excessively to numb out. I gained a huge amount of weight and felt really hopeless about my life.
Then I started a new type of therapy that completely turned my life around. I quit toking (14 months clean!) and reduced my alcohol consumption (I even managed 4 months of sobriety). I got in shape, went back to college and shed the oppressive cloud of depression.
Gradually, during the school year I began drinking again, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. Last month, a few days after my mom's passing I went to an end of the year party and did so many shots that I blacked out and couldn't get myself home safely (thank god for friends!). This really scared me. I know that I have a genetic link to alcoholism. I know that a blackout is a symptom of it. I know that alcoholism stole my loving parent from me. Since then I have had 4 drinks... I also obsess about how many drinks I consume and I have read that is a symptom too.
I have been to a few AA meetings but I guess I am still on the fence... it seems like I can control my drinking right now but I know that this disease is progressive and I am completely terrified of what could potentially happen if I do indeed carry the gene for alcoholism. I don't want to lose the beautiful life I might and do have because of some toxic drug.
I am mostly able to limit the drinks I consume but I am totally obsessed with whether or not I am drinking too much and will I end up like my mom. I almost always count my drinks and mentally beat myself up over drinking.
So for me, alcoholic or not, I feel healthier and happier when I stay sober. Sometimes, I wonder if I have an alcoholic brain because it is so hard to commit to being sober forever. My mind has a ton of excuses for why it's okay for me to drink. I am young, in control, don't get the shakes etc. But I also know that this is a progressive disease and just because it is not that bad now doesn't mean that I am in the clear.
Either way, I just commit to being sober one day at a time. That is all I can do. I have 5 days under my belt so far. The weekends are always harder. I hope to find some support on this site with all of the issues I have mentioned but the drinking aspect is at the forefront of my mind right now because the other things seem to be more manageable right now.
I attend Al-anon regularly and I feel that taking care of myself means treating myself with loving kindness and to me staying sober is an important part of that process.
Thank you so much for reading this all the way through.
It made me feel better just writing it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
Flying4Life... that reminds me of some of my story. I came from an alcoholic upbringing, had very dysfunctional relationships (guys who had substance or alcohol issues or if they didn't have addiction problems were abusive to me). It was such a nightmare. Even in the odd stable moment in relationships I liked to cause drama if I wasn't being a victim or manipulating (you may not have done that... I used to throw things at people's heads when they were raging at me... not good).
I toyed with al anon because of my upbringing, but it's only now I'm sober myself that I realise that people I were with had addiction problems.. I thought it was normal to take cocaine a couple of times a week or if they turned violent to me after drinking that had nothing to do with their abusing alcohol.
And along the way I realise I got my own drink problem... and I'm also a lot better off without it. I don't have one drink and want to keep consuming (well, rarely) but it doesn't agree with me so I'm staying stopped.
I also got so fed-up thinking about it all, I was definitely self-medicating so it had to go.
9 weeks on I feel a lot better, I go to AA but considering codependents anonymous.
It's taken me a long time to get to this point, I'm 41 now, and even though I say alcohol wasn't my main issue, I could not sort out my head without stopping. My drinking was increasing as well, I didn't want to risk it due to my the genetic possibility.
Keep it up.... I honestly cannot believe what a difference things are without alcohol. Now I just need to work at my recovery. Good luck.
I toyed with al anon because of my upbringing, but it's only now I'm sober myself that I realise that people I were with had addiction problems.. I thought it was normal to take cocaine a couple of times a week or if they turned violent to me after drinking that had nothing to do with their abusing alcohol.
And along the way I realise I got my own drink problem... and I'm also a lot better off without it. I don't have one drink and want to keep consuming (well, rarely) but it doesn't agree with me so I'm staying stopped.
I also got so fed-up thinking about it all, I was definitely self-medicating so it had to go.
9 weeks on I feel a lot better, I go to AA but considering codependents anonymous.
It's taken me a long time to get to this point, I'm 41 now, and even though I say alcohol wasn't my main issue, I could not sort out my head without stopping. My drinking was increasing as well, I didn't want to risk it due to my the genetic possibility.
Keep it up.... I honestly cannot believe what a difference things are without alcohol. Now I just need to work at my recovery. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
One thing I often think about though.. I could kick myself that I've got an alcohol problem after all I saw.. but I guess I should never have started.
And I'm sorry to hear about your mother's death. You keep looking after yourself.
And I'm sorry to hear about your mother's death. You keep looking after yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Welcome Flying4life,
My mother was alcoholic, I was thinking the other day what would her life had been if she hadn't drunk.
I think how my life would have been if I hadn't drank!!!!
You have enough understanding, insight and experience to know where it inevitably
Leads.
Love
caiHong
My mother was alcoholic, I was thinking the other day what would her life had been if she hadn't drunk.
I think how my life would have been if I hadn't drank!!!!
You have enough understanding, insight and experience to know where it inevitably
Leads.
Love
caiHong
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 42
I'm right there with you! I was obsessing about alcohol today. I have 3 months and 1 week under my belt with a relapse. How is that for obsessing? I'm 30, working on a doctorate and have never had a DUI etc. (knock on wood). So, my brain tries to rationalize why it is okay for me to drink (it's Fri., and I've been doing so well). But I know, I will wake up feeling like crap tomorrow and upset that I relapsed again. Then the drunk brain will say ( getting drunk a couple of times in over three months is better than drinking all day every day... like I was last year this time.) Sheesh, I just want some relief. Let's get through today together. 
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