PAgrandma

I need to learn what to do to help my 48 year old Son who is an alcoholic. This is my first post, and please forgive my lack of skills.


His Mother-in-law called me this week for the first time. We are both afraid and worried about our two granddaughters, nine and sixteen years old.

My son is a single parent, with the stress of caring and supporting these children ... his wife died seven years ago. He tries very hard, but apparently the burden is too heavy and drinking followed by anger is the result

It's gotten out of hand, and I fear becoming dangerous.

I did tell Matt that we are concerned. He said he would 'cut back' on his consumption.. is that enough.

My computer keeps locking up. Better post this now. Please tell me what to do.
~ Joyce in Pennsylvania

Spes

Hi Joyce,

Unfortunately, you cannot help your adult son with his alcoholism....only he can decide to get treatment.

However, if you feel the children are in danger, I believe Pennsylvania has "Grandparent" laws that will allow you temporary custody till the danger is over. Your son may consider this arrangement as he goes through recovery.

Keep coming back....moe people will be here to listen to you and offer suggestions.

I wish you well.

roseblossom

Maybe you can show him stories on here from kids who's parent's are alcoholics. I'm in no position to give advice but that was what I thought when i read your post. I feel for you and will pray for your family.

PAgrandma

Thanks for response, Spes

I will 'lurk and ask'. He made his oldest daughter get out of the car because she neglected to keep in touch while away for the weekend.

The other grandmother just 'mentioned' in her last e-mail

quote: "If he puts my granddaughter out on the highway and pulls a gun in his house, I think I have the right to speak up.
I don't think either one of us are qualified to handle this, and it's terrible since we are both so concerned and can do nothing.'

Should we 'push' him to try intervention or AA or....?
~ Joyce

PAgrandma

Thank you, Rose...
I'll look for those posts, and appreciate your support.

I'm beginning to wonder if there is a genetic predisposition to the alcohol addiction. Both sides of the family had this problem. In fact, my Mother and her nine siblings all died from Cirrhosis of the Liver.

That's why I never drink... (cigarettes are my downfall).

Spes

Joyce, you will not be able to "push" him to anything, including intervention or AA. You can certainly try to talk to him but, as you read more about alcoholism and people here share their experiences, you will find he must do it himself.

If you and the other caring grandmother are not in a position to care for the children....and you feel they are in danger, then I feel (as a parent also) we have an obligation to notify the authorities for the safety of the children.

Impurrfect

(((PAgrandma))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm a recovering addict, have loved ones who are active in alcoholism/addiction. I do believe there is a genetic predisposition, but the main concern right now is your granddaughters.

I don't know about grandparent laws, other than they vary by state. I do know that your granddaughters are being affected by his alcoholism, if he is a true alcoholic, he will not be able to "cut down"..at least not for long.

I can tell you that when I was deep in my addiction, nothing anyone said or did made me seek recovery EXCEPT my loved ones allowing me to face the consequences of my addiction...loss of career, jail, homelessness, etc.

If you have any doubt as to how your granddaughters are affected by your son's alcoholism, you may want to read on the ACOA (adult children of alcoholics/addicts) forum.

This is a lot to absorb, and I get that. I came here, lurked for a couple years, read a gazillion posts and found out my primary problem was I was a codependent...I turned to drugs because I couldn't "fix" the A's (addicts/alcoholics) in my life.

We are here for you, many have been in similar positions. My stepmom was appointed guardian of my 1-year-old niece when niece's mama died in a car wreck, dad was an A and 18 years later, he's in prison again. Unfortunately, stepmom is an A, ACOA, codie and everything else. My niece is pregnant, and I am so praying for divine intervention that her child isn't the 5th or 6th generation to be affected by alcoholism.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

PAgrandma

Spes,
I'll talk this over with the other 'grammie'. She sees them more than I do and the granddaughter confides in her.

Our son is part owner of our business. He comes to PA from Delaware everyday (or when he's 'up to it'. Great flexibility when you're your own boss! We are trying to retire after manufacturing for 38 years and turn the company over to him! I'm 77 and my husband is 81 (with two cancers)...so it's about time.

I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our granddaughters OR my son's financial source.

PAgrandma

Thanks for the ****** hugs}}} Amy. That's my fond sister-in-law's name.
I've gotta empty the diswasher before my husband does it all.

Back ASAP

Katiekate

Hi, I am so sorry for your horrible pain.

I'm kind of heavy handed when it comes to children.

If the children may be in danger, they need to be removed from the home.

ASAP

Your son is going to do what he is going to do, you grandchildren have no one to take their part except the other adults in the family. Please consider finding a way to get them removed and safe. No good will come from them remaining in such a volitile situation.

I am the daughter of a raving alcoholic, I'm suprised I survived it.

Jilllian

God bless you for being there for your granddaughters. Please stick with this.
You may not be able to help your son, but you may very well be in a position to help protect your grandchildren from negative experiences. No doubt they're experiencing them, but thank God you're there for them.
I'm sorry I have no other words of wisdom, other than to say that, and to say that they'll be so grateful for your caring, if they aren't already...

EnglishGarden

Asking him to stop drinking for the sake of his daughters will have absolutely no impact. He is an alcoholic. He has lost control of his drinking. Alcoholism is the loss of control over alcohol. This means he cannot control when he drinks, or how much, or where he does it. He will drive drunk with those girls, you can count on that. He could set the house on fire. He will say things to them in alcoholic anger and bitterness which will devastate them to their core and never leave their psyches. He can destroy them emotionally.

Having a family business and needing that income it generates will not ever change the fact that he is an alcoholic living a chaotic and dangerous life at home in the presence of innocent, vulnerable children who have no other adult to turn to in their moments of terror and despair.

Both you and the other grandmother should contact Child Protective Services and get the children away from him. Today. Do not wait for a terrible crisis to light a fire under you. Do it now.

He can continue to work and pay child support, most alcoholics keep working to keep the alcohol stocked.

I'm so sorry for the pain you must feel around this, but please remember you did not cause this disease, it is a biological disorder with a genetic component. No matter what, it has never been your fault.

But you have a moral responsibility to report the dangerous home your granddaughters live in, and get them removed.

PAgrandma

Katie and Jillian...
Wow, so glad I found this forum. I never thought about the option of taking control.

Son and girls live in Delaware...and we two grandparent families live in Pennsylvania. Will have to look into this situation.

Both girls are doing SO well in their Delaware schools. The eldest even represented her school in Dover last weekend and is class president. She sang at the Wilmington Opera House a few weeks back. I can't imagine taking her away from this environment to live with some old fogies.

Her other grandmother is a widow, recently let go from her job...currently caring for her daughter (who also drinks too much)

I have emphysema... my husband Prostate and Hodgkin's lymphoma...so we're always at the doctor.

You see our dilemma?

I'm sorry to ramble on so...I know the girls need care, but feel so helpless

~ Joyce

PAgrandma

English...
I'm going to copy your reply and send it to the other grandmother.

I have to leave the forum for tonight. This is hard (but necessary) advice to swallow

Thanks
~ Joyce

Impurrfect

(((Joyce))) - yes, I do see your dilemma.

I have a dear friend (okay, I'm 50, he just turned 21, so I think of him as my kid) but beyond that.

His dad died at his own hand because of addiction. "Mom" - totally not qualified for that title. He has a younger sister, several of us here convinced him to talk to school counselors.

Long story short - he had developed his own addiction. He and his sister were put in foster care. He soon reached 18 years old, had been on his own forever. Eventually, his "mom" was found unfit, foster parents adopted her.

I know...foster care doesn't always work this way, but still. This was a child who had been severely damaged by his parents, and though he is on his own? He's in therapy, he's doing well.

I will also add this. I started back to school a couple years ago. I live in what I call "dysfunction junction" - stepmom is an A, dad is an enabler, niece has issues from her upbringing and genetic history (EVERY single person on both sides of her family, other than her mom who died at 18, has issues).

I use school as an escape from dealing with the drama. It could, possibly, be that your granddaughter is doing the same. I don't know, I'm just sharing my ES&H. I shut out the drama of my family by focusing on school.

I don't have answers, but at the very least I think the girls should be in counseling. I also know I pushed this issue on my niece, she went to a counselor a few times, but would never open up. I've done my best to let her know I am a "safe" person to talk to, she knows my history (lived through the angst I brought on dad/stepmom) but she is so totally attached to my stepmom, who is an A, ACOA, codie, etc. I get frustrated.

The best I can do is be open to her, to work MY recovery and show her that there are consequences for actions, sometimes they totally suck, but we have the power to keep moving forward. Will it ever sink in? I don't know. I only pray that the child she is bearing will not have the same issues.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kiana

When I was 5 years old my A-father was interrupted while in the midst of carrying out his plan of killing us, when, instead, he himself was killed.

Even if a person believes that that loved one could never be capable of such a thing, one can never really predict what an addict is capable of doing. That your son has already put them in harms way is an excellent indicator of the future. It's a very good thing that your grandkids have you and others that care deeply for them and are (rightfully) alarmed for their welfare.

Jilllian

We often don't think of this until we're in the situation where we must!

It may be hard to ask yourself this, but please do: Can you imagine the girls a year from now, or five years from now if things don't change? You will never regret helping them. If your son continues on this path, there are no positives, at least in my opinion, that can be seen.

Yes, I completely see your dilemma. And you can see their's, even though they are so young that they probably can't (or maybe they do, I don't know). Anyway, is there anyone else who can be a support to them? The other grandmother, perhaps? It sounds like you two make a wonderful team. I did not grow up with alcoholics as parents, but have fought to the death (almost literally) to protect my *own* children from harm caused by their father's alcoholism. From writing letters to local congressman to writing letters to Senator Clinton (when she was Senator, that is), because that's what it took to protect them. And they're much better off, I'm sure of it. Please tap in to any supports you have to help you.

Please, please stick around this site and read what others have to say, and learn from them. I know it's not easy with your struggles and your husband's struggles, and I'm so glad you're stepping up to the plate, when you really don't have to, and many people wouldn't. I wish I had a support like you in my life! Stick around, please!

Jilllian

Kiana ~ My biggest fear with my ex-husband's addiction was that he would do exactly what your dad did. I'm so sorry for what you went through. If I could hug you right now, I would. Your post send shivers down my spine. I didn't know much about addiction back then, but was sure that if he was spiraling so out of control that anything was possible ~ and that was my biggest fear ~ that he would take my kids along with himself, as alcoholism tends to bring people to the deepest, darkest possible outcomes...

It's better to over-react than under-react in this situation. Do you think?

PAgrandma ~ I know this sounds alarmist and nothing is meant to scare you. I'm sure I speak for many hear when I say that I'm proud of you for stepping in.

Katiekate

While I can see there are issues, honestly, no I do not see the dilema. There is always a way to make children safe. When I was a child I took a rifle out of my fathers hands, he was going to shoot my brother. That's a dilema.

Kiana

Jilllian, thank you for the warm hug. It was the middle of the night and we were all sleeping and unaware of what he was going to do, so we did not realize anything until after he was dead. It's so very good that you took great strides to make sure your children were safe, and I do not view it an over-reaction, instead, I believe it's a wise-action.