choublak

I don't like the grandmothers of my RABF. I know that sounds awful. One of them is a control freak with dementia who can be really mean -though not to me personally- and the other, she is the one who had the alcoholic husband who was so in denial that he was determined to prove the doctors wrong when they told him he had five months to live and died four months later, well she is nice and all but I don't understand how she is not batsh*t crazy having had a husband like that. She harbors no bitterness whatsoever, and I know some people will tell me, "oh but just because it looks that way doesn't make it so" oh yes it does, that is difficult if not impossible to hide. Aside from which, her diceased alcoholic husband is never talked about, to the point where I'm starting to (sarcastically) wonder if the man ever existed. I want to ask her how she isn't batsh*t crazy, but I know better than to just ask something like that. But when she is around, I feel like I am bursting to ask that question.

The other one, who has dementia, is used to controlling everything. Since she now lives in an assisted living place and can't do that, she tries to control stuff on a smaller scale. For example, when she was over at RABF's parents house on mother's day weekend, everyone was sitting outside and one of the dogs was on a chain thing, the kind that is tied to a stake in the ground (dog isn't kept like that all the time) and the grandmothers were told not to walk within the radius of the dog chain, because when the dog runs the chain could trip them. Well the grandmother gets up and starts walking in that area anyway, because she wanted to show everybody that they couldn't control her. Conflict ensued, some yelling, she was yelling, "I HAVE to use my legs!" It kind of makes me uncomfortable, I also think it's stupid, my grandmother doesn't act like that. I know people are all different and that I can be a really judgmental person, but oh well.

/rant

Thlayli

I don't actually see a problem with asking the one grandmother how she is not batsh*t crazy. I'd word it a little differently but I think it's certainly okay to ask. It could spark a really interesting conversation.

DefofLov

Hi!

I am not really sure how to respond. I feel like a lot of your energy is being used in the wrong way. I am not sure why, but it just feels like less energy can be put on ABF's grandma's and more could be put into yourself.

Love,

Lily

choublak

I am trying to put the energy into myself, but to do that I must find out WHY I have such anger towards people.

DefofLov

Yeah, that is the question. Why so angry at the grannies? Is it really about what you posted? Do they trigger something for you?

Chino

choublak, I used to have lots of anger and it turned into contempt. They weren't doing, feeling, thinking what I thought they should. I was a terrible control freak, even when I didn't say one word.

choublak

Why am I making mundane things into a battle or challenge?

DefofLov

Have you ever had trouble expressing anger? Sometimes repressed anger comes out in different ways when we don't allow ourselves to be angry at what really hurt or upset us.

changeschoices

I think it's okay to be judgmental if you define it as "using good judgment". But there isn't much point in thinking about other people too much, since you can't change them. If certain people really drive me nuts, I avoid them as best I can.

Do you have a therapist? I do, and sometimes I need to just vent my anger/irritation with others and then have her steer me in the direction of talking about what's REALLY bothering me.

I dislike control freaks (who doesn't?) but I've also had my moments of control freakery. It takes one to know one in my case, lol! For me, being angry about other people being controlling is usually the signal that my life feels out of control in some way and my anger is a sign that I need to empower myself to alleviate my anxiety about not feeling in control.

choublak

I can't afford to pay a therapist.

I only see the grandmas at family get-togethers...but there are many of those...I actually like them, except for when the control freak grandma tries to ask me questions about why some random object is on the floor, for example. She tries to be a neat-freak and sometimes if I'm right there she'll ask (more like interrogate lol) "whose is this and how did it get here?" and I'm like wtf I don't know I don't live here lol.

chronsweet

Choublak, I am reading a book called The Dance of Anger. I know I get crazy and mad and angry because of my boyfriends undiagnosed alcoholism. I get mad at his controlling mother who is an alcoholic herself and tries to urge her alcoholic son to 'manage and control' his drinking and to even hide it. But, she isn't an alcoholic. Neither of them are. I get tired of her saying I go months without drinking when she visits almost every month and sh!t you not, she is drinking WITH my ABF every single time I see her. She *promises* she would never drive in the car with my 2 year old son. I would hope she wouldn't but I am learning I can't trust anything an alcoholic says especially after witnessing my ABF walking up to the house with a bottle of beer while I was at work and leaving my 2 year old son in the home alone unattended. Especially when I was going to be home in 5 minutes and he could have waited.

I guess my point is I get mad at alot of things that go along with living and dealing with alcoholics. The book I am reading The Dance of Anger is actually very good in teaching a person how to channel the anger in any relationship. Just thought I would mention it because it is some pretty good reading.

Spes

choublak,

I write this with a deep respect for your feelings. Do you see the key word to your post? Is it possible you have that same issue?

We all come into this world with a need for approval and a need for control but when either gets in our way of internal happiness....it's time to let go.

Believe me, I have family and other people who cause me grief. I can't control them nor can I control their behaviour. The only thing I can control is me. I make the choice who I see and if I choose not to see someone who's behaviour upsets me....then so be it regardless of whether they are related to me or not.

choublak.....try to let it go and focus on that wonderful person inside of you. Resentment is an anchor that will drag you down. Let go of the anchor and soar !!!!!

akrasia

Ha! You are ME. Or vice versa. I am ALWAYS doing that.

Some responses:

1. You can just sort of not like these women, if you don't like them. Who needs a reason? Sometimes people just rub you the wrong way. You don't get along with them, you find them kinda weird. You have my permission. No need to go searching for justifications.

2. RABF is still BF? Pent-up resentment towards him maybe finding a safer outlet on these two more obviously annoying people?

choublak

I guess I am slowly learning to be around them. But it's like, I feel like I have to know if they are going to be there, so I can "mentally prepare". Is that strange?

The grandma with dementia, she has suffered at least one stroke, so her brain takes awhile to parse what she sees. I'm not around old (elderly) people very often, so yeah I had to learn about strokes and what they do. But she looks at things for a long time, and she stares at people. BF's family is used to it, but it freaked me out for quite some time. I would say hello to her and she would return the greeting and continue to stare at me for the next 10 minutes. Or we'd be at the dinner table and she'd be staring at me from across the table. I asked my BF about it, and he was like "what are you talking about?" but then I guess he paid attention to that and said "yeah, she does stare a lot...it's because of the way her brain now works". I still didn't like it; it made me feel like a zoo exhibit. But I'm accepting it. Slowly but surely. I no longer make comments about it.

ODAT63

Anger is caused by the mind, usually it is dissapointment, unfilfilled expectations, or threatening behaviour by others. You can change how you perceive other peoples behaviours, you can change your expectations, and so consequently you can reduce any anger.
However; I read here many times that it is okay to feel anger, it is how you react to it that we need to watch for.

choublak

I've already tried to start conversations several times with more than one family member about this deceased alcoholic relative and apparently, they just don't talk about it (another thing that bothered/bothers me). It was actually my BF's dad who, once he realized what was really going on, came out with all these stories about his late alcoholic father with whom he battled for over a decade to seek treatment but who wanted none of it. The grandmother doesn't even know, that I know.

LifeRecovery

I sometimes find what I am mad at or resentful of is not a similarity in personality but a similarity in life experiences.

No one talks about the deceased family member (I am making a stab in the dark that it might be unresolved grief).

I have unresolved grief about (fill in the blank).

It is easier for me to focus on someone else because that is what I have always done then work on the piece that I am struggling with.

I don't know if you are doing this....just I do this a lot.

I love the Dance of Anger by the way.

Helenlee

There are lots of great ideas above & I hope you find some insight amongst them.
On a lighter note about the Grandma's ... can you just pretend you're in an episode of "The Golden Girls"? Just thinking about it is making me smile now & I haven't seen an episode in many years

choublak

When you say unresolved grief do you mean about a deceased person or anything in general?

LifeRecovery

I think unresolved grief can be about death of a loved one, losing a relationship, losing a pet, lose of function (like a person who is aging and can't do what they used to etc.)

It was an example though I do it with a lot of other emotions with people.