Daughter of an Alcoholic Mother... I need help.

Old 05-25-2012, 01:22 AM
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Daughter of an Alcoholic Mother... I need help.

*I know its long, but please read...*
I'm JB. I'm 20 years old, going into my senior year of college and my mother is a severe alcoholic.
Problems started to arise a couple years after my parent's split when I was 12, going into 7th grade. High school was tough, but my mom was pretty stable with the drinking, and my junior and senior year she was sober. And then... I left for college 500 miles away. I am the youngest of 2, but I was always closer to my mom than my brother (who's 4 years older) which made her excessive drinking hardest on me. College has been the worst with her drinking. Whether its not calling me for weeks, or disappearing when I'd visit home or just being drunk every possible minute. Then things started to get worse, she missed thanksgiving, then Christmas, and even my own birthday.... she didn't even call me...
She hasn't had a job in almost a year and is about to lose my childhood home which means the world to me.
The reason I wanted to write this post is because recently I have came to a weird conclusion of sorts. In my mind, I think this behavior and situation with my mom is temporary... once I graduate college, shes going to go back to being the perfect mom that she used to be, not forgetting I existed and succumbing to the disease. But its not true. Once I graduate, she'll be the same, when I go to grad school, she'll be the same, etc, etc. I have such false hopes, and even as I'm writing this I STILL can't come to terms with the fact that this is how its going to be.... forever.
I've tried Alanon, and it was a horrible experience. I was the youngest person there, and this woman kept glaring at me. I also tried therapy, but it made me feel like a crazy person, and the woman didn't help me at all.
Its 1:17am, and I'm sitting alone sobbing.
I'm probably just writing this to no one, but it feel almost, sort of, good to get it out.
I don't know what to do anymore.....
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Old 05-25-2012, 01:35 AM
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Hi JB

Welcome to SR. I’m so sorry to hear of your sadness over your mother. You have made a great step coming here – there are so many people here who will be able to share their wisdom with you. All our stories/circumstances might be slightly different, but we all know exactly where you’re coming from. Hopefully even knowing this can give you a certain amount of comfort to begin with. We all know about the false hopes, the disappointments, the loneliness and isolation, the worry, and I could go on and on. Alcoholism is a tragic disease, it truly is, and the affect it has on those of us unfortunate enough to be close to someone suffering from the disease is overwhelming.

I’m so sorry Al Anon didn’t work for you. It is advised that you should try multiple meetings before you make your mind up about it. However, I can very much understand that if it was such an unpleasant experience you might be reluctant to go back. Something that has helped me cope with people I’ve been uncomfortable with at meetings is to try and think about what kind of day they might have had, and that maybe their glaring isn’t AT me, it's just glaring if you know what I mean. I can’t describe how valuable Al Anon has been to me in beginning my recovery, so I truly hope you can find the strength to try it again.

Writing stuff out really does help doesn’t it? Keep doing it, keep coming back, keep reading here – there is a wealth of helpful information here from people who have been there/are still there and who care.

Adventure
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Old 05-25-2012, 03:41 AM
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I feel so sorry for you. I have two daughters, one is 21 and one is 16. Their father was an alcoholic and I can relate your experiences to what Ive seen them go through. Unfortunately alcoholism is progressive and its so heartbreaking to see someone you love so much deteriorate before your eyes. I wish I had taken the advice to go to Alanon many years ago. Please try to give it another go. I cant comment from firsthand experience but it wou,d have helped me and my daughters to talk to others who are in a similar situation. Even if you decide not to go back, this is a wonderful place to offload. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 05-25-2012, 03:42 AM
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Hi Jbee,
I sure am sorry about your mom, and for what you are going through as a result of her drinking. I had an alcoholic mom too. It was one of the most stressful times of my life.
One thing you should know, and it appears to be absolutely true, is that you cannot stop your mom from drinking. That has to be something she wants. You can however, help yourself to regain some happiness, by learning more about what you can do for you, in this situation.
This is an awesome site. Many people here who understand, and who will be happy to support you and listen, share, and encourage. What helped me was to read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. Meetings have been positive for me, but not all meetings were a good fit.

We understand your pain. I believe that doing what is best for you, is the best thing you can do for your mom, too. Hang in there and stick around here, reading the stickies are very helpful and encouraging.

hugs
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Old 05-25-2012, 04:47 AM
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Dearest JB,

My heart goes out to you. You pretty much just told my story. I am 27 now, but when I first came to SR I was 19 and I was in undergrad. My mom has always been a neglectful alcoholic and it was a norm for me until I went to college. I finally realized that she was very ill. She also lost our home and a lot of my things were throw out while I was away because she did not bother to empty the house. Just kept drinking and doing God knows what.

In undergrad, I was a sobbing wreck. I was full of sadness and hurt. I never did find an al-anon group that was close by. But I've been through counseling for years. I've written in a lot of journals. When I was your age, I posted here a lot. If you click on my name, you can pull up all the theads I started, including one entitled "She lost the house."

I also happen to be my mom's youngest child and I am still attached to her. Since I've been out of her house I have learned healthy detachment. I can't hold in and fixate on her changing because it is not good for me. So we have a distant relationship and I see her a couple of times a year.

I am still healing from the trauma of growing up in such a household. It does get better though. You are stronger and more powerful than you know. Check out the suggested books. Beattie's Codependency No More and Beyond Codependency really helped me out a lot. I also read a few books about being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic by Janet Woititz.

I am so sorry for what you are going through, but you came to the right place.

Love and light to you always,

Lily
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Old 05-25-2012, 05:11 AM
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I am sorry that you are in so much pain. My mother is the alcoholic in my life, she has been drinking non stop for 66 years, she gets hammered daily. She is mean, agressive and downright nasty.

This is a progressive disease that has no cure. Your mother will never again be the mother you fantasize her to be. Her mind is altered by alcohol abuse, yes, she can get better IF she gets sober, and works a strong recovery program for life, the chances of that happening are less than 10%, not good odds.

The bottom line is that you need to work on you, check out other meetings in your area, go back to therapy, these actions will help you to understand what you are dealing with. If the people in the meetings are older than you, so what, it's not a party...if you were working in the corporate enviornment, when attending meetings there are people of all age groups participating.

Your mother is an adult, she is making her own choices, you need to do the same, you cannot fix her, you can only fix you.

Read the stickeys at the top of this forum and all in the Family & Friends section of this board, read Codependent No More, and, keep posting.
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Old 05-25-2012, 05:25 AM
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Hello JB!

Welcome to SoberRecovery. I'm glad that you found us.

My father was the alcoholic in my life. It took me many years before I was willing to accept this fact and not feel ashamed about it. It also took me awhile before I realized how deeply I was affected by my dysfunctional family.

My "recovery" consisted of lots of reading, journaling, therapy, some meetings, and participating in groups like this one. It is amazing the healing affect just telling your story can have on you.

You are definitely not alone.

I'd like to second the comment about trying multiple meetings. It also took me awhile to find a therapist that I connected with. The therapist that I worked the most with specialized in addiction and dysfunctional families.

I didn't start regularly attending meetings until I was in my 40s. Sometimes I think that it takes awhile for individuals to reach out for help and realize that they can't "fix" themselves on their own (boy did I try!). Who knows, maybe if you start to regularly attend a meeting you might encourage the next young person that walks through the door to stay

Welcome again. There's lots of information and support here. Hope it helps you on your own recovery journey.

Take Care,

db
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Old 05-25-2012, 05:35 AM
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Hi JB,

Welcome. I can relate with your story. I am adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) and my father's drinking escalated to insane amounts when I was 12 years of age and the craziness went off the charts.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this and the pain is in intense and many posters on this site can relate. If you keep coming here it will help. You will find support and experience, strength and hope. It does get better if you utilize the many resources at your fingertips... this site, books, and alanon and counselors can be invaluable. They were lifesavers for me.

The key is finding the RIGHT alanon meeting and the RIGHT counselor... it is SO worth the effort of a concentrated search for the right people in your life to mentor through these trying times.

I am considerably older than you and did not start counseling until I was in my thirties ... it is my biggest regret that I did not do this sooner. I made sure my children got counseling once I knew their father had an addictive personality and we divorced.

I know this is a lot of information for you... but my regrets may be not in vain if you take the time to find a good counselor... I promise you that you will feel so much better so much faster if you jump start this part of recovery.

Alanon... same thing. meetings are different at different times and locations. Their literature is fantastic. I recommend that you try a few more meetings.

Stickies: threads at the top. Great stuff...sort of like readers digest for recovery.

I wish I could give you a great big hug right now... and know that I am sending you cyber hugs and praying for you and that you find peace and serenity. It does happen... it takes time though and know that we care about you here at SR.
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Old 05-25-2012, 06:00 AM
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I want to tell you that you are not alone and that you can have a wonderful happy whole life even though your mom is an alcoholic and even though you haven't had the wonderful mother you need for these past few years.

I'm so glad for all the wisdom and sharing and suggestions above. I agree with all of them and invite you to try out the ones that feel right for you.

My mom died when I was sixteen from cancer that wasn't diagnosed fast enough because of her alcoholic self-neglect. For years, I wondered what would have happened if she lived.

On one hand, my life would have gotten harder and harder. In this scenario, I'm so sorry to say, there's a blessing in that she died.

On the other, I imagined what could have been if she got sober and healthy. Would she have been there when I was admitted to Phi Beta Kappa? When I graduated college? My heart aches for you that your mom wasn't there for you, and for the milestone achievements ahead for you.

The odds are not good for your mom's recovery. But they are VERY GOOD for you. My experience is that I can be happy and whole EVEN THOUGH I didn't get the Mothering I needed from my mom. SR has been an incredibly supportive place for me with people who GET IT.

Sending you a cyber hug.
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:05 AM
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As the grown daughter of an alcholic mother, it is only at this very old age of 53 that I can now fully recognise and admit to the problems and difficulties caused by my mother's illness. She kept it well hidden and held down a job for many years, paying off a mortgage, and to the outside world it all seemed so normal. As I started my own family, and moved away, it was only then that things fell apart.

She died of alcoholism some 5 years ago. Her illness was never discussed, and this was part of the huge dilema. Although I realised that I had issues resulting from her 'coldness', I couldn't put my finger on anything concrete.
Everything has to be perfect
I blame myself - unrelentlessly
I'm never good enough
Find it difficult to form relationships
.....the list goes on.

My marriage ended 3 years ago. I can't help but think that if I had sorted my issues out, I would now still be married. And happier.
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