When will I be able to breathe again?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 37
When will I be able to breathe again?
Gosh I thought I was making progress when my ABF did a disappearing act this past Saturday for 12 hours of drinking, and I didn't say a word about it. Bet it even surprised him! But alas, here I am wide awake at 3:30am feeling like I'm going to throw up because he still hasn't come from work- he got out around midnight. The latest he ever stays out is 3 on his weekend retreats... Will I ever sleep through the night when he goes out like this? I thought telling my brain the 3 C's would help, but nope, still awake. and, as usual, his cellphone is turned off.
Also, I'm anxious because he seems to be progressing in the disease- this is twice in 6 days, when these long outings would typically be monthly ( is that a lot? Feels like it to me...).
Please, I would love to hear how those of you more practiced at living like this get through the night. I know a friend of his is in town for the night, so there is a chance he went out with him and crashed at his hotel. He has a history of not calling me to tell me when he does this. Why does it make me so physically ill?
Also, I'm anxious because he seems to be progressing in the disease- this is twice in 6 days, when these long outings would typically be monthly ( is that a lot? Feels like it to me...).
Please, I would love to hear how those of you more practiced at living like this get through the night. I know a friend of his is in town for the night, so there is a chance he went out with him and crashed at his hotel. He has a history of not calling me to tell me when he does this. Why does it make me so physically ill?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi Already Alone
Sorry to hear you are so tormented. It is so hard not to worry and freak out when something like this happens. I don’t know how I got it under control myself to be honest. Well, ok, part of it was just that I stopped caring to be honest, but it took me a very long time to get to that point. I’m not saying I never worry any more, but I do manage to switch off. Turn on a radio/CD, read a book, get up and watch TV. Do something, anything to distract yourself. It might stop the craziness going on in your head long enough for you to be able to relax. Lying in bed thinking is the worst thing you could be doing.
You have noticed that his disease is progressing – unfortunately that is what happens. My husband is an alcoholic for a long time (I’m only recently realising this) and his disease is still progressing.
The reality is, you can do absolutely nothing about his behaviour. Nothing. Do you think he lies in bed worrying about you? Unfortunately not. There is one thing in his mind – alcohol. You need to give some serious thought about what you can do to help yourself. I just read what you said about Al Anon. Do you mind me asking why you’ve a hard time getting yourself there? Is it logistical or emotional reasons? (I don’t mean all the details, just a general idea) If it is emotional, then please, please, please don’t let this hold you back. It’s ok that you couldn’t stop crying there – it happens to all of us, and no-one will think it unusual. I can’t say enough about Al Anon. Even just to sit there and listen is so helpful.
I hope you will somehow through the sadness find a small bit of strength to do something FOR YOU.
Adventure
Sorry to hear you are so tormented. It is so hard not to worry and freak out when something like this happens. I don’t know how I got it under control myself to be honest. Well, ok, part of it was just that I stopped caring to be honest, but it took me a very long time to get to that point. I’m not saying I never worry any more, but I do manage to switch off. Turn on a radio/CD, read a book, get up and watch TV. Do something, anything to distract yourself. It might stop the craziness going on in your head long enough for you to be able to relax. Lying in bed thinking is the worst thing you could be doing.
You have noticed that his disease is progressing – unfortunately that is what happens. My husband is an alcoholic for a long time (I’m only recently realising this) and his disease is still progressing.
The reality is, you can do absolutely nothing about his behaviour. Nothing. Do you think he lies in bed worrying about you? Unfortunately not. There is one thing in his mind – alcohol. You need to give some serious thought about what you can do to help yourself. I just read what you said about Al Anon. Do you mind me asking why you’ve a hard time getting yourself there? Is it logistical or emotional reasons? (I don’t mean all the details, just a general idea) If it is emotional, then please, please, please don’t let this hold you back. It’s ok that you couldn’t stop crying there – it happens to all of us, and no-one will think it unusual. I can’t say enough about Al Anon. Even just to sit there and listen is so helpful.
I hope you will somehow through the sadness find a small bit of strength to do something FOR YOU.
Adventure
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello AlreadyAlone, I'm sorry for your sleepless night 
Detachment takes practice....or as we like to say "progress, not perfection". Perhaps keep reminding yourself that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him call you, to make him not drink, to make him come home on time.
I'm sorry for your pain, you deserve peace and joy! It doesn't sound as though he contributes to that life.
Detachment takes practice....or as we like to say "progress, not perfection". Perhaps keep reminding yourself that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him call you, to make him not drink, to make him come home on time.
I'm sorry for your pain, you deserve peace and joy! It doesn't sound as though he contributes to that life.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
The disease will continue to progress unless gets sober and works a strong recovery program for life. There is no cure for this disease, it has tenacles that reach far and wide and have a negative impact on everyone they comes in contact with.
If you are not going to Alanon meetings, I would suggest that you do so.
This is all about you taking control of your life, your mindset, obsessing about him accomplishes nothing, it will not change a thing, he will do what he will do.
Work on your subconcious mind, feed it a thought everynight right before you doze off, something like "I will not obsess about what XYZ is doing tonight" keep feeding the same thought until your concious mind believes it, and then move onto another positive enforcement. Your concious mind only believes what it is fed by the subconcious mind. Your subconcious mind is the controller of your mind and body. Take some time to read up on the role of the subconcious mind, it has helped me.
If you are not going to Alanon meetings, I would suggest that you do so.
This is all about you taking control of your life, your mindset, obsessing about him accomplishes nothing, it will not change a thing, he will do what he will do.
Work on your subconcious mind, feed it a thought everynight right before you doze off, something like "I will not obsess about what XYZ is doing tonight" keep feeding the same thought until your concious mind believes it, and then move onto another positive enforcement. Your concious mind only believes what it is fed by the subconcious mind. Your subconcious mind is the controller of your mind and body. Take some time to read up on the role of the subconcious mind, it has helped me.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
When my AH went out on his binges, I always told myself to enjoy the fact that he was not home drinking in front of me and the kids. Then I would end up imagining all sorts of possible outcomes. "he will call me from jail, he will call me from a hospital, the police will come and tell me he's in the hospital, the police will come and tell me he's been in an accident and didn't make it." It's a difficult frame of mind to be in, and hard to fall asleep. I usually watched tv or read until I fell asleep. If I couldn't go to sleep, I would clean out and organize a junk drawer or closet. Then he would come stumbling in, and I would wish I had gotten the phone call from jail. Then I would at least know he was safe, and that he would have a place to stay that wasn't with me.
This is such a difficult life we live. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself. It finally dawned on me that all my worrying was taking a toll on my health and sanity. I now know that if I am going to be healthy and sane, I can not depend on him to get me there, it's all on me.
Now, he's barely drinking, but the insanity on his part is still there. He is what everyone on here is telling me. A dry drunk. No staggering, and stumbling, but still impossible to be around without constant tension.
Just know that you are not alone in this. Coming here and venting has helped me cope. It doesn't change who he is, but has changed how I deal with who he is. Hearing other's stories, and knowing that I do have choices in my life keeps me from losing my mind.
Keep coming back, and hugs to you. I do know what you are going through.
This is such a difficult life we live. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself. It finally dawned on me that all my worrying was taking a toll on my health and sanity. I now know that if I am going to be healthy and sane, I can not depend on him to get me there, it's all on me.
Now, he's barely drinking, but the insanity on his part is still there. He is what everyone on here is telling me. A dry drunk. No staggering, and stumbling, but still impossible to be around without constant tension.
Just know that you are not alone in this. Coming here and venting has helped me cope. It doesn't change who he is, but has changed how I deal with who he is. Hearing other's stories, and knowing that I do have choices in my life keeps me from losing my mind.
Keep coming back, and hugs to you. I do know what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"When will I be able to breathe again? "
Probably when you make a conscientious decision, NOT to allow alcohol and the alcoholic to rule your world. Think about it, you are trying to find happiness with an out of control , unhealthy person. It will never work.
"Why does it make me so physically ill? "
That's what this disease does, it destroys families and relationships. It robs us of our sense of well being. The disease will suck the life right out of you if you allow it.
I've heard it said on these boards; "Often we give addiction too much credit"
To be so very disrespectful and not make a 30 second phone call and let you know his plans, can't blame that on the alcohol, these are the actions of someone who really is not very committed to you. He is showing you who he really is, believe him.
If you seriously do not like an aspect of your life, change it. Change begins with you.
Probably when you make a conscientious decision, NOT to allow alcohol and the alcoholic to rule your world. Think about it, you are trying to find happiness with an out of control , unhealthy person. It will never work.
"Why does it make me so physically ill? "
That's what this disease does, it destroys families and relationships. It robs us of our sense of well being. The disease will suck the life right out of you if you allow it.
I've heard it said on these boards; "Often we give addiction too much credit"
To be so very disrespectful and not make a 30 second phone call and let you know his plans, can't blame that on the alcohol, these are the actions of someone who really is not very committed to you. He is showing you who he really is, believe him.
If you seriously do not like an aspect of your life, change it. Change begins with you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
If you wish you can look at some of my old threads from 2010. My husband did a five-day disappearing act, police report, the whole deal.
I don't know how I got through it. I think at one point I decided that he was either 1. dead, or 2. drinking somewhere and that there was nothing more I could do. Then I went to sleep.
I don't know how I got through it. I think at one point I decided that he was either 1. dead, or 2. drinking somewhere and that there was nothing more I could do. Then I went to sleep.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 37
Thanks, Adventure. I just feel like the only one who has trouble sleeping through these times. I know detaching myself will take lots of time and practice, it's maybe an issue of what I wish would happen vs reality. I want to believe he would care if I wasn't home, but no, he likely wouldn't lose any sleep over me. I just want to believe that he would, because my brain/ heart is holding on to a sober time when he did care.
I suppose not getting to the al-anon meetings is a little of both- I'm working when the meetin takes place some weeks, but other weeks i felt good and like things were running smoothly, so I chickened out of going. They were a nice group- I know the next time I go back they'll be understanding about why I took 2 months off.
Doing stuff for me- well, that's a whole new habit to learn, isn't it! (I went with a reading a book and drinking water approach to get through the night, btw)
I suppose not getting to the al-anon meetings is a little of both- I'm working when the meetin takes place some weeks, but other weeks i felt good and like things were running smoothly, so I chickened out of going. They were a nice group- I know the next time I go back they'll be understanding about why I took 2 months off.
Doing stuff for me- well, that's a whole new habit to learn, isn't it! (I went with a reading a book and drinking water approach to get through the night, btw)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 37
FeelingAlone43:
Thank you. I wrote knowing that this problem is not resolving any time soon. I have that active imagination too
it means I can I imagine all sorts of horrors to work myself up over! And right now, my brain knows that any consequence would be solely his to deal with, but in the dead of night, I can extend his lateness to a terrible drinking accident, then into a whole episode of CSI.
My other problem is so desperately wanting to believe his words, that I ignore the clear disrespect his actions indicate. Then I feel hurt and go all passive-aggressive, and think, yup, I wouldn't want to be around me either. I never had great self-esteem, but I'm working on it... I'm grateful I don't have kids - I really don't know how the parents I see posting here do it! Sending you strength.
Thank you. I wrote knowing that this problem is not resolving any time soon. I have that active imagination too
it means I can I imagine all sorts of horrors to work myself up over! And right now, my brain knows that any consequence would be solely his to deal with, but in the dead of night, I can extend his lateness to a terrible drinking accident, then into a whole episode of CSI. My other problem is so desperately wanting to believe his words, that I ignore the clear disrespect his actions indicate. Then I feel hurt and go all passive-aggressive, and think, yup, I wouldn't want to be around me either. I never had great self-esteem, but I'm working on it... I'm grateful I don't have kids - I really don't know how the parents I see posting here do it! Sending you strength.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Already,
For me it was dread of my exah's return to the house, dread of what he would be like and what would happen when he walked in. The dread evokes anxiety. And the part of our brain which involves anxiety is also the part of our brain which is connected to the stomach. This is why you feel physically ill when you feel deep anxiety. I have had "rolling nausea" over months, and years, when I was in relationship with an addict.
In a family of addiction, there is always a sense of dread. It never goes away. Everyone feels it.
I hope you will seek help for yourself in Al-Anon and in counseling, if you can afford counseling. It is terrible to be alone with this kind of dread.
For me it was dread of my exah's return to the house, dread of what he would be like and what would happen when he walked in. The dread evokes anxiety. And the part of our brain which involves anxiety is also the part of our brain which is connected to the stomach. This is why you feel physically ill when you feel deep anxiety. I have had "rolling nausea" over months, and years, when I was in relationship with an addict.
In a family of addiction, there is always a sense of dread. It never goes away. Everyone feels it.
I hope you will seek help for yourself in Al-Anon and in counseling, if you can afford counseling. It is terrible to be alone with this kind of dread.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 37
Thanks EG- I thought it was anxiety- I also lose my appetite, and stop taking good care of myself. Yes, it's time to try Al-Anon again- cant bury my head in the sand forever... I just thought it might be a passing phase-,oh denial!
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