lonelystar

havent been on in a while, today was a hard day I said some things to my AS that i shouldnt have ,"I hate you", he has relapsed so hes back on the blues wagon again , he wasnt doing great while staying off them anyway he smoked pot and took valium, doctor prescribed to help with anxiety becuase well of course everyone else that doesnt do drugs can handle life but nooo my son is special he should live with no anxiety , no problems just floating around in space which is why i figured he is doing drugs in the first place....ooops i got off my topic ,,,, really i shouldnt have said what i said, but Im so sick and tired of being sick and tired, how do you feel bad for someone when that someone is the one that is hurting themselves????, ok hate is a strong word but his addiction has reduced me to having these feelings of hate and love. He left today and has not returned and so i sit with a sinking feeling hes gotten himslef into big trouble with dealers and so on all the good things that comes from this disease and to top it all off he has 20 days of community service that he has to start on tuesday if he gets arested again right to jail for a year or if he doesnt complete the community service but honestly jail would be a life saver for him hes in some deep trouble right now and it just gets deeper , you know what I dont take back the Hate thing, I do hate him for what he did and for what he does why do i have to walk on eggshells around him im going to say what i feel and pray at least hes ok for tonight....

suki44883

Aww, sweetie, you don't hate HIM, you hate what he has become. That is only natural, and when we have been stretched as tight as we can go, sometimes we just snap. I know, and you know you do not hate your son, you just hate the situation, and at the same time, they don't do anything to endear themselves to you.

My daughter used to tell me she hated me all the time. For a long time it hurt me, and I finally just yelled right back at her...I HATE YOU, TOO! But I finally realized she didn't hate me, she hated herself. I was just a convenient punching bag. Your son knows you love him, but he is still going to do whatever he is going to do. You have to find a way to let go and let whatever happens with him just happen. This isn't something you can control.

If he ends up in jail, well, that's just the consequences of his own bad decisions. He deserves to face those consequences. You need to take care of yourself. Have you considered al-anon or nar-anon meetings? I think they would help you.

story74

There have been many times I have said things to my xah, and then thought/felt guilty. I thought, ugh my words my have pushed him further into the abyss of addiction. Its hard. Its like the addict in your life can continue to disrespect and hurt and we are suppose to be strong and always say "I love you and am praying for you" maybe in a perfect world. I don't berate anymore. Again, when I didn't have 69 cents to buy a jug of water, and he kept making promises to give me money...and didn't...you loose it.

Dealing with an addict is a learning experience. There is so much hurt, pain and anger involved it is hard to be perfect. Don't be to hard on yourself. Forgive yourself and try harder next time to not hurt them back. Its hard. But, keep reminding yourself they really are in a low place. I say this, and was going thru old pictures tonight and wanted to lash out at him and tell him how disgusting he was. But I stayed strong. He knows how disgusting he is. Unfortunately, he hasn't done anything to change.

Hang in there.

Ilovemysonjj

I feel your pain. you HATE drugs and your AS is the physical manifestation of everything you despise. Read my posts, I feel exactly like you do. My son is no longer in his body. The ADDICT is. Worse still, he will be found to be guilty of breaking and entering, burglary and grand theft in our home if he is caught. I pray for him to be caught before he either loses his life due to the ADDICT or he hurts some innocent person. We need to let our loved ones find their way back. Until he hates the ADDICT as much as we love our children, nothing will change.
My prayers, love and support to you and your family.
Teresa

SeekingGrowth

It's interesting how we who love addicts beat ourselves up for not being perfect in our dealings with them, even as they disrespect us and hurt us with abandon, in a way we would never allow from anyone else. Allow yourself to not be perfect all the time - it's OK. But once the heat of the moment has passed, you might consider correcting your words to him, via text or otherwise. A clarification, I'm thinking, in which you let him know that you hate the ADDICT, the disease, and what it's doing to him and your family. You don't really hate HIM. And then set or reinforce the boundaries that are necessary to protect your family, your home, and your health and happiness.