StJG

I have a friend who is now dating an alcoholic and wanted some advice.

To make a very long story short I met her about a year ago and a few months ago I found out she has a drinking problem. I found out when one day she called me to say she needed help and need some vodka because she was feeling sick. I didn't know anything about alcoholism and the problems people have when trying to get sober and detox. I brought her over some vodka so she could slowly get off booze. This is when I found out she had a problem. She also had a seizure that weekend while quitting drinking, she told me she also had a seizure a year earlier. She didn't go to the hospital but slowly got better.

She relapsed about a month later blaming a person who wanted her to drink with him, he was offering her a job and she felt like she should drink because the job was important to her. Again she tried to get off the drinking by quitting slowly. This time the same symptoms came back so I was worried about seizures and took her to the emergency room at the hospital. There she was admitted and stayed for 4 days, she actually left early because she felt like she was ready to leave but the nurses and doctors advised her not to.

At the hospital her blood alcohol level was .40, yes .40, the doctor said it was at 400%. Seeing her with an IV put in her arm and the pain she was going through was incredible as I never knew about any of this.

I told her that I didn't want to see her go through that again so I said she really has to stop and deal with her problem. She is not in AA but she does go to court ordered classes for a DUI she got last year, I knew nothing of this at the time. I found out about a month ago that she started dating this person who wanted her to drink and she is now working part time for him. He drinks a lot, her words, but she says she is not drinking. I really don't know if she means she not drinking the same way she did before or if she's not drinking at all. To me she was meaning she was not drinking at all.

My questions is it safe for her to date an alcoholic and should I just move on and get her out of my life?

I feel like I should move on, I have tried to move on and not talk to her but she still calls me saying I was there for her and I was a great friend who was there for her, she wants to continue our friendship. I really don't want to go through any bad things with her anymore as I do care about her but I have to care about myself more.

Thanks in advance for any advise.

dollydo

"I feel like I should move on."

This.

Change your # or, block her # and go no contact. She is not in recovery, she is just going through the court ordered program.

suki44883

I vote for moving on.

Katiekate

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

This friend of yours is on a train headed off the rails.

YOu will only be brought down by it.

She drank for a job???? That makes no sense at all. What boss tells a prospective employee they need them to drink???? Think about that, it's not a pretty scenario.

Don't get sucked in, you have done all you can.

xo

StJG

Yes, the job interview was going out to lunch to discuss what she was going to do at the job. She said he asked her what she was going to be drinking before they even got to the restaurant.

I don't know if this matters, I guess it does, she was sexually abused as a child by her father. Her new boyfriend is 22 years older than her, one year older than her father.

It's tough to move on when you care about someone, I have never dealt with any of this before. It has gotten easier as time goes, we were very close, not so much anymore.

It's not like I can change my number, I own a business and she has that number. I just dread the day she call's for help again, maybe she will call him next time.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You are allowed to remove toxic people from your life. You can choose who you will spend time with in your one precious life. This person sounds rather dramatic/toxic. You can exercise your right to say "No" the next time she tries to drag you into her drama. She is an adult and knows how to get help.

As far as her history, alcoholics use their difficult past histories as excuses to drink today. It is called "terminal uniqueness" and sounds like this: "If you went through the bad things I went through, you would drink too".

I don't know about you, but most everyone has pain and suffering in their life. It is what they choose to do today, that makes them stronger and helps them to rise above a difficult history.

Please stick around, keep reading and posting. We are here to support you!

Justfor1

Wow. Most people would be dead at a B.A.C. level of .40!

StJG

I just wanted to thank you all for your advice, I took it and I moved on. I haven't spoken to my friend since I made my post here, I'm not going to contact her anymore and if she contacts me I'll have to deal with that when and if it happens. I know I will let her be a big girl and deal with her problems herself.

The thing that really helped me get over all this was this website, all of your comments and learning about detachment.

I've read your site everyday and this one, the LIVESTRONG site about developing detachment. I can't post the link since I'm new here.

Since I don't drink I had no idea clue about alcoholism and what it does to people. As time has gone by it has gotten much easier to stay away from toxic people.

Just thinking about all the lies made me want to run away, I think about everything she told me about her drinking which didn't add up.

Unfortunately I also found out this new boyfriend of hers has a domestic violence record against him and also a child endangerment charge. The last time I spoke with her, I asked her about that. She said it was a male roommate of his that he got into a fight with. She said he was the one that brought it up to her first, the court record is online, so yes he would bring it up first before she read something and thought different.

Do the majority of alcoholic's lie?? It's been an eye opening experience to say the least, I just hope everything happens for a reason.

tomsteve

yup, its hard to watch people we care about fall deper and deper. we can stick with em and love em to death or walk away, pray they get help, then love em to life.

kiki5711

I vote for keep her "drama" out of your life because you'll become a part of it on daily bases slowly but surely.

CeciliaV

Unfortunately, it does seem so. Manipulation seems to be a part of the deal. It's next to impossible to have a real relationship (plutonic or romantic) with someone who's dishonest. Hugs to you, stay strong!

akrasia

I say this with all sympathy: You haven't gone no-contact if you're waiting for her to contact you and you're fretting about her deadbeat loser boyfriend.

OklaBH

I havent read one thing that shouts "this might work out" Move on. Really? do you want to get drug down?

webber1

One word : RUN !

StJG

Yes, this will not work out between me and her, even our friendship. I let her in my life when everything was great for me, we had good times, I thought she was normal. My life is still great, luckily I'm really good at what I do as far as my career goes.

I bailed when I found out she wasn't telling me the truth, and yes she was bringing me down with her drama. Towards the end of everything she would always twist everything around to make it my fault or I "dont get it". Unfortunately I have a good memory, so things are hard to forget. When someone tells you one thing and you know it's not the truth, it does bring you down.

The last time we talked she said "you have to learn to trust me", she would also tell me she never lie's when we first met. It's kind of one of those things when people start out a sentence with "to be honest with you", what you're not always honest?

I guess my biggest issue is that she still owes me money that I loaned her when she was "sick", she's says she will pay it back because she is honest. It was a lot and it would be nice to have it back, but sometimes you have to pay to go to school. Lesson learned and I sure have learned a lot. Things have to happen for a reason.

dollydo

"I guess my biggest issue is that she still owes me money that I loaned her when she was "sick", she's says she will pay it back because she is honest."

I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for her to repay the money unless you had her sign a
promissory note enforcable in a court of law. IMHO, the loan is a write off, and a hard lesson learned.

You sound like a good person, learn from this experience.

StJG

It's been over 10 weeks since I spoke with my exagf, I won't call her a friend anymore because I don't feel like we are. I'm getting over her with the help of this site and understanding that I do not want to ruin my life by being involved with an alcoholic. It's like I have a free pass to walk away as I'm not stuck or tied to her in anyway. I'm dating other people as well, so that is a big help.

She had sent me a few text messages since the last time I posted here, she said she still wanted to "keep" me as a friend, whatever that means. The messages were anywhere from, good morning, good night, miss you, and would love to see you again.

I responded to all of her text messages but I don't want to chase her, call her or see her. I couldn't understand why she was even texting me but I kind of figured things were not going the way she hoped with her "job". The latest text she sent was about not being able to pay her bills that are due, I asked her about her job and she said she is not making any money there (I thought, no kidding).

The very last text she sent me was about her not having a good day and her working through it. To me it sounded like she was drinking again, only because I know her and how she deals with problems.

I haven't heard from her since a few days ago, which is fine, I am not going to give her a loan or help her. The old me would have ran over to her to pick her up but I'm so glad I'm over all that.

I don't feel sorry for her anymore, which is a big change for me. Lately I've been thinking about how lucky I am to not be involved with her anymore. I do care about her though, I just care about me more.

Alucard

"Change your number" The fact that this alcoholic was able to register that high and not die, tells me she is basically LATE Stage 4, heading towards the ugliness of Stage 5, with a handbasket.

Stage 5.

1. Liver Damage....Cirohssis (SP) and hepatitis. The liver starts to die.
2. Loss of control of bowel and urine....get ready for adult diapers.
3. There are different types of psychosis that happen now, they hear voices, and see hallucinations....thinking deteriorates, personality changes...
4. Digestive system is shot, they lose interest in solid foods. Abdomen becomes abnormally swollen. Malnourishment fully sets in.
5. The stomach lining and esophageal lining become(s) damaged and then there is the bleeding, (Also liver related) Vomiting blood and bile becomes the norm.

If they stop drinking they get the DT's really bad and it can lead to death without medical intravention.

m1k3

For me going no contact was one of the best things I ever did. You don't have to reply to her texts. If you ignore them long enough she will probably quit sending them.

The only contact I have with my Aw concerns the divorce. Can't avoid that.

Your friend,

StJG

Her going to stage 5 is what I'm afraid of and that is what is helping me stay away from her. I really don't want to go through the pain of seeing or hearing about her dying. That pain would be bad. The doctor said there was no liver damage when we were at the hospital.

I was thinking about her seizure the other day, that was so unbelievable to see it happen in front of me. I had no clue what was going on, I really thought she was going to die. Then she tells me that was her second one.

I've never dated someone with an alcohol problem and hers is a big one. I had no idea alcohol could be such a big problem. Thanks to this site and the people on here I have really learned a lot. I haven't asked her if she has been drinking or has even taken a drink since the hospital. I wouldn't believe her anyway.