figure

I haven't posted anything on here since 2009. I was seeing a guy off and on....like friends with benefits.....but he wanted to date me and I said no then I fell in love with him and found out that his drug of choice is weed. He says he has stopped and then he starts back.....he has held a job for awhile now.....he is now 27 years old......just giving you some background (Refer to past posts for moe info). I recently found out that he is living with a girl 8 years older than him who has 3 kids of her own by 2 different Daddies. This goes against everything he has told me over the past 6 years....it bothered him that I had 1 child and was older than him. Every reason he gave me that we could not be together....has been contradicted???? He tells me that this girl is pregnant with his child......He wont talk to me on the phone....we have been texting only. I am so upset and cant function....its like started all over again....I cant eat, sleep, my chest and heart hurt. I dont want to get out of bed.....Why do I let him consume me like this???? He has been telling me for the past 3 months that he wants to see me but cant stay the night with me. I ask why and he says he doesnt have to explain anything to me.....he's just busy....... Well he decides to tell me about this girl he is living with and got pregnant and says he still wants to see me but cant stay with me????????? Why in the world would he still want to see me?????? I am so confused!!!! We have been sleeping together for 7 YEARS!!!! I am in shock about this!! From all our talks.....he wanted a girl closer to his age without kids??? I dont understand how this happened??? Why he would still want to see me when his girlfriend is pregnant???? She doesn't sound like what he wanted at all......sorry...but she sounds like trash.....I have 1 child and have been married twice. I am in love with this guy. I dont know if he is still using weed or pills or not but he makes no since. Why cant I let him go??? I havent met anyone to take his place. I think about him all the time and miss him so much. I havent seen him since October 2011. I told him if he couldnt stay the night, no.....I dont like the way that makes me feel....like trash or a ****. I start blowing his phone up texting him upset.....I tell him how I feel about all this like I am saying now and he sends me back a text that says " I dont give a **** how this makes you feel. We have never been a couple and never will be. I am changing my number so I no longer have to deal with you." He has changed his number twice before in the past years and after several months has called/text me back giving me his new number??? Why does he do this? Everything keeps repeating over and over....I hate this feeling I have right now. What can I do different? I am beginning to feel suicidal over this and it scares me.

Windmills

How on earth does she sound like trash? You don't even know the woman, give her a break and stop judging her.
I dont want to sound harsh but after SEVEN years? If he wanted to be with you, he'd be there. What are you getting out of this? It sounds like he's just having his cake and eating it.

Windmills

Also, he says you have never been a couple and never will be and then changes his number?! Why on earth would you ever go back to sleeping with someone who treats you so badly? You deserve so much better! What is it about him that's keeping you stuck?

figure

That's just it....I dont know....It's driving me crazy......Yes, he changes his n umber then after 5 monthns or so calls me and acts like nothing is wrong telling me he wants to see me again.......and I go......I am sick. Why does he keep changing his number and then turning around giving it back to me???? Maybe he wont do it this time. I feel so sick!

Windmills

Because he knows you'll go running. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on his girlfriend.
Whether he does or doesn't contact you with his number, you're powerless over that. You can't control it at all. But you are in total control of how you react. Personally if I didnt think I was strong enough to ignore him, i would change my own number. He's never ever ever going to be a nice guy you can settle down with, you must see that? His behaviour PROVES that.

dollydo

You are a booty call, he is using you. Change your number, move on.

figure

Booty call??? After 7 years, how am I still a booty call?? Why would he want to be with me when he's had me over 100 times or more.....Why doesnt he get tired of sex with me??? Shouldnt sex be old and borring with me by now????? Why does he still want sex with me after all this time?

Impurrfect

(((Figure))) - I was once in a very similar situation. I had a bf who *I* was committed to, he said he was not going to commit to anyone. He had other gf's on the side, I knew it, I knew THEM, I tolerated it....for 20 years.

I drove away good friends because all I could think about was HIM and how to make US work. I drove MYSELF straight into addiction (he was an alcoholic) because I wanted to numb the pain of our "relationship".

Ended up with 2 more guys, worse A's than he was, lost my nursing career, was a streetwalking crack addict, went to jail, etc.

Finally, after being clean for a while, a short relapse and the latest bf said "eff the car, let it get repoed..you can make enough money for us to smoke" I said 'I can't do this any more"...not the addiction, not the obessing over some man who said he loved me.

Five years later, I've spent a gazillion hours on this forum and others on SR. I was every bit as addicted to HIM (all 3 of them) as I was to crack. Hell, the recovery from crack has been easier than the codependency recovery because I didn't even know who I was any more, what I liked.

I found out, not long ago, the first XABF got married to one of his other gf's from when we were together. Instantly, I went to "why did he marry HER? Why not ME?" You know why? Because she was more of a codie than I ever was. He can do whatever he wants and she will sit at home and wait for him, take care of him. I wish them well. I know, for a fact, he couldn't HANDLE the person I am today, because the first time he said "if you don't like it, leave?" Instead of clinging onto him for dear life, I'd say "see ya" and that would be that.

Recovering from codependency is not easy, it's an up and down kinda thing, but I seriously hope you focus more on you, and don't take 25 years, like I did to realize all 3 relationships were sick, sick, sick.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

You keep giving, he keeps taking, you are his fill in sex mate, not his partner.

Change your phone #, move on, you deserve so much better, there are too many nice, caring men out there...why waste your time on him? There is no future with him.

cc88

guy speaking:

Because maybe you guys have sexual chemistry. Doesnt mean anything other than that. A booty call can be a booty call as long as its allowed. Guys dont get tired if theyve found what they like. it doesnt mean he thinks you're relationship material. Most girls who think they're a guy's only friend with benefit are actually like their "#3" (Im not saying you def are, and i dont know any of this from experience, but I know how a guys mind can work)

you said yourself you didnt want a relationship, so whats the problem. You knew what you were getting yourself into and if it was just fooling around, what are you so attached for? He probably changes his number and then goes back to you because you've made yourself a given. so in his moment of weakness, he knows where he can find some with the least amount of effort possible.

you're worth more than that. dont be upset because someone wants to stop using you.

wicked

Since you are asking, it sounds like when he gets bored, he calls you for a little sex.
But, you don't get any details, nor will he spend the night, nor will you ever be a couple.
So, he is using you for his own selfish needs, and it has been going on for seven years.

Please, get some professional help for yourself. This cycle must be broken for your own mental health. Is this how you want your child to learn to act in a relationship?

If the woman in a relationship with him is "trash", then what does that make you, the woman willing to sleep with him whenever he calls. Be careful about name calling, it will come back on you. I think both of you women have self esteem problems to spend any time with this thoughtless, mean, narcissistic aZZhole.

Please see a professional about feeling suicidal, find out why you don't feel like you are worth a good life and a good man. Please, if you cannot do it for yourself, then do it for your daughter.

Beth

figure

((Impurffect)) I believe that is exactly the case here.....he chose this girl with 3 kids and his unborn child bc she will sit at home and wait while he is out running the roads.....exactly my thought....Thanks for sharing your story with me.

((Anvilhead)) Yes....i thought the same thing......I must be trash too so I just sent him a text that said " this makes me feel like trash and I cant do this anymore. You shouldnt want to see me when your gf is pregnant with your child" He sent me back a text that said "Thank You" ??????????????????????????? WOW! I sent him back a text that said he's life is about to change and hes about to discover what it;s like to raise a child.....its not easy in todays world......he sent me a text back that said "Lol"............OMG

((cc88)) Yes...we have talked about the sexual chemistry we have together.......He is a capricorn and I am an aries.......I have never believed in horoscopes or the zodiac signs before...but this compatibilty I read seems to be right on target. In 2004, I did not want a relationship bc I was just getting out of an 8 1/2 year relationship and needed to heal so I was honest......as we continued to see each other, I fell in love with him.

Katiekate

Figure, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I really think you need to get yourself into some kind of recovery. These feelings you are having are so common for the majority of us who get involved with A's. We get taken on this ride, and then when the house of cards fall, and the truth is laid out to us we literally become a mess, unable to take care of ourselves, obsessive about the A, shocked by what we let ourselves get sucked into and totally devastated by the cruelty and lack of compassion we get from someone we thought we may have know, it's a set up. And sweetie, there is no way that we will ever figure out the why's of this, because it makes no sense. Addicts come solely from a place of self indulgence and pleasure seeking. They are incapable of any kind of compassion or care for others whos feelings the trample on. I know how you feel, and reading your post made me feel so sad, the unbelievability of it all is so damaging and so hard to wrap your brain around.

Do you have a counselor????? You need someone to talk to, your emotions sound so raw, please reach out to someone in your life, try to get into counseling, al anon meetings. You did nothing to deserve this, except fall for someone you thought was being straight up with you. Don't allow yourself to be beaten anymore. Try to begin to find some kindness for yourself, and some comfort with a friend, or a counselor or alanon. I hope you keep posting, venting can be helpful. And most importantly , go no contact, no good will come from continuing any communication with him, he has gone to far. You will get no comfort from him.

You are deeply in my thoughts. Love to you dear one. Katie

figure

Thanks so much for yalls replies.....I really need this.....I went back and read my posts from years ago and I look obsessed. I just have never met anyone in my life that acts this way or communicates this way......I have never been around an addict before.....he is the only one I know about.......I keep having these dreams of killing myself or arguing when I do sleep....I am exhausted....I dont know what to do anymore....getting help around here is a joke. I live in a sick community where the teenage suicde rate is high. There have been 7 teenage suicides in 2 years here....not counting adults.....its higher......whats worse is that my occupation requires me to address this issue

wicked

My God, that is like an epidemic. I am sorry figure. Please find some help for yourself.
This man can only bring you down.
You are needed in your occupation to address suicides?
Thank you for you dedication and hard work.
Please get away from this man. Hang up when he calls, Block his number, anything you can do to get him out of your mind.
What a thoughtless, mean and cruel man he is, and you deserve so much better.
Obsessing about him might take your mind off your daily work, but it is also blocking you from getting and meeting a good man.
I agree with KatieKate, the comfort you seek, you will not get from him.
Leave that space open for real love and comfort, that you can pass on to others who need you so much.

Beth

cc88

you know, intensive outpatient or partial hospitalization programs allow you ample time to address your issues, and share with others who are going through some of the same troubles as you without the anxiety of feeling like a prisoner if you got sectioned... my wife has been in a partial for the last week or so and just a few days has made an amazing difference...

its better if you dont let it get to the point where you break down and get sectioned and stay in an acute unit. its traumatic. Call some hospitals and see what they can offer you.

tbeit

"Why he would still want to see me when his girlfriend is pregnant????" Sorry but its probably because "We have been sleeping together for 7 YEARS!!!!" Sounds like he is using you for sex. You are better than this dont let him do this to you. I realize its easier for me to say then you to do but you need to move on. Maybe you should seek therapy. Sorry if this sounds harsh but he cant take advantage of you without your permission.

lesliej

it sounds like you are in a very deep deep rut...or in a deep well

the "sexual chemistry" or even "LOVE" that you feel...is indeed just that...it's a chemical reaction in the brain that releases the most powerful hormones and endorphins. seriously. we are sometimes blessed with these "releases" (as in when we share them with a healthy balanced loving partner) and sometimes we are cursed with them (as in when we share them with an addict/manipulator/cheater etc)

the brain chemistry is the same...it is up to us to make the good and bad decisions about who we share the chemistry with. there are a lot of studies about why women are often drawn to "bad boys". there are actually also books out there in the self help aisle...one set is for men to figure out how to be more seductive/manipulative...and the other is for women who have FALLEN for such men.

you are in a rut
the chemical release has been played over and over and now your body/mind/brain craves the release. it has worn a pattern into the brain. and it has worn an ugly used pattern into your heart and mind...that is why you can say of yourself that sex could be "old and boring"

how do you get help? you are finding it here, and find other online posts as well...google up some results for relationship addiction too
aren't there any support groups in your area? also find yourself a counselor/therapist!!!
we can all use the help of a professional once in a while!! it sounds like you are in trouble...like you can't see the forest for the trees...but the forest is there.
we can all see it
trust in others who want to help

you need help getting torn away from YOUR addiction
the first step is to practice every moment in turning away from obsessing about HIM
you need to start re-training your thoughts to look at your own life
and you might be depressed, so maybe you won't want to look at your life
maybe it is easier to obsess on him

you need help right now, and though it might feel like he is the only source to help you (because that release is calling you...the soothing release of endorphins and not just from sex...from ATTENTION!!) he is the LAST person you should be getting contact/chemistry from

you need to take this first step
E V E R Y D A Y

Kindeyes

There is no doubt that men and women think very differently. Men can have sex with no emotional strings attached. Women, even when they say differently, don't do that as well as men do.

He has pretty well let you know where he stands. And after 7 years, that is one big tough pill to swallow.

Please......take care of you. "You" are what you do have control of.....you can't control him....heck.....it doesn't sound like he can control himself either. You deserve a relationship with a healthy man who can give....not just take.

gentle hugs
ke

figure

((tbeit)) how can he be USING me for sex when he obviously is getting sex from his pregnant gf????? That makes no sense to me......I dont understand why he would CONTINU to want to have sex with ME when he is OBVIOUSLY getting that with someone else who he is living with???

((lesliej)) Yes! I think you are right...he is my drug.....my addiction....I dont get these feelings with anyone else.....I have tried several times to move on.