EXM6

I can't sleep, but made myself get up this morning. Emotionally I go back and forth. One minute I'm hopeful and think I can work toward getting everything back that I lost with time and work... The next minute I think about how MUCH I actually lost and wonder if it's even possible.

I read some of the threads from "Friends and Family" on this website and it made me feel as though I'm never going to change. That I can't believe myself when I say I'm going to change... After 7, 8, 15 years, I could decide to pick up a drink and do it all again. Lose it all again, if I am able to gain it all back.

I think about ending it all, a lot... but my fear of my daughter finding herself at the same place as I am at 30... With a problem she doesn't understand, losing it all because she lost her mom 19 years ago, keeps me here. Even with the criminal charges, losing my career as a youth counsellor, I have left her relatively unscathed (thank god). I just feel so low. How could I possibly gain it all back?

Sapling

One day at a time...Just get through today.

JustARide

The first few days/weeks can be the hardest.
Have you talked to anyone about depression and your suicidal thoughts?
Hang in there for yourself and your daughter!
Stay clean and alive!

SSIL75

I remember well the fear and shock of 'waking up' to the disaster that was my life.

It's clear that sobriety is the right decision. Focus on your recovery and the rest will come in time, I promise.

IndaMiricale

Definatly cant look at the big picture of long haul, its just to daunting at this time. Like Sapling said and you will here it a lot but there is the reason for it.

One day at a Time, Just for Today.

You are not alone many of us, me included had to lose everything to find that place to turn and find something worth while.

EXM6

Thanks for the support guys, I definitely needed a boost this morning!

I forced my grumbly little self to go for a walk downtown -- which takes about an hour. I packed a blanket, some writing materials, and my ipod... Half way to my destination, I was grooving to the tunes and enjoying the view. Wrote a few pages and took in the sun, ended up meeting up with one of my co-workers for an iced cap and figured out a plan for treatment.

I'm not so grumbly anymore. Bring on day 5.

Sapling

That's good...Sounds like a nice day...Take care of tomorrow when it gets here.

artsoul

I like it! At 4 days, I was barely out of bed......

Sobriety is a test of patience sometimes (and we're used to hitting the easy button). Like everyone's already said, just worry about today and if you can practice being in the moment like you did today, that's even better!