Ex Boyfriend's Addiction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 6
Ex Boyfriend's Addiction
Hello all. My name is Emily and I am currently single, although I am trying to help my ex get through his awful addiction that ripped us apart. I honestly thought I was going to marry him, we did everything together. When we first got together, it was around the beginning of June 2011. I knew he USED to have a cocaine problem, and he still smoked weed but that didn't bother me as much. Come to find out, he was doing cocaine and Molly(ectasy). I told him if he didn't stop we were done, and I believed he was done. Then, New Year's Eve, we had a few friends over and he literally went crazy. He ended up getting into a fight with all of us, and we took it outside. He shot a gun into the air 4 times to try and scare us away, which obviously worked. My cousin called 911 and he went to jail, and got out the next Tuesday. At first I hated him, clearly. But then his mother called me, and told me he remembered nothing from that night. The ambulance had to rush him to the hospital that night, his blood sugar was above 900(he is Type 1 Diabetic), and he did so much coke he was literally out of his mind. I started to realize I wanted to help him, get him better, and continue to live my life with him. I felt cheated, he was ripped out of my life without me having a chance to say goodbye. So when he got out, I met with him. I had to get all of my stuff from his house. We talked and he explained how stupid, sad, bad he felt, blah blah. I was so broken I forgave him and started seeing him every so often. We spent Valentine's Day together and I finally began calling him my bf again. Then, 5 weeks ago, his sister told me she had been seeing him with drugs and knew was on them again. I was completely shocked because I thought he had been completely sober since NYE. (Just to clarify, he lived 45 from where I go to school so I did not see him everynight). So I broke up with him. Didn't talk to him for 3 weeks, and then my great uncle died and I texted him. He helped me through it, and we decided to meet up the next weekend to talk about things. We did, and he said he was done. Said he needed to change, his family was almost done with him, etc. Few hours later I told him to come to my house because he wanted to talk more, he showed up drunk and probably on something. He is using again. And he asked me to help him get clean. But I don't want to put in the effort, but I feel like I need too, for him and his family. I would like some feedback, on what you guys think. And what are some things I can do for him, questions to get him seriously thinking about changing, anything. Any advice, anything would be great. Thank you,
Emily
Emily
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Emily,
I am sorry for the reason that has brought you here. We all know that feeling the thing is you can't help him. Only HE can do that. There are some wonderful stickies at the top of the forum maybe you could read some of those as you wait for others who have more experience than I do to come and post.
I am sorry for the reason that has brought you here. We all know that feeling the thing is you can't help him. Only HE can do that. There are some wonderful stickies at the top of the forum maybe you could read some of those as you wait for others who have more experience than I do to come and post.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hello Emily and welcome to SR. I am sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you found us.
A very wise person - the founder of SR - told me some really hard things when I first came here. First, he told me that I could love my son right into his grave if I didn't get out of the way and let his own higher power have a direct line of communication with him. He also told me that things I did for him that I thought were "helping him" were actually hurting him - that he needed to have the dignity and joy of experiencing his own consequences.
That was hard for me to hear, and harder yet to put into action. Years later I can tell you it was the best thing I could have done for both of us - I got out of the way and let him be in charge of his own life, his choices, his consequences, etc. I put all of my energy into learning about my own recovery, boundaries, etc so that I could be the best and healthiest ME possible. I told myself he had some really important life lessons to learn and they weren't from me.
I had to really concentrate on those 3 C's -
I didn't cause it,
I can't control it and
I can't cure it.
I figured out that I wasn't any more in charge of his recovery options than I was his drug use. It was all HIS to figure out.
Others will be along soon to share their own ESH -experience, strength and hope.
A very wise person - the founder of SR - told me some really hard things when I first came here. First, he told me that I could love my son right into his grave if I didn't get out of the way and let his own higher power have a direct line of communication with him. He also told me that things I did for him that I thought were "helping him" were actually hurting him - that he needed to have the dignity and joy of experiencing his own consequences.
That was hard for me to hear, and harder yet to put into action. Years later I can tell you it was the best thing I could have done for both of us - I got out of the way and let him be in charge of his own life, his choices, his consequences, etc. I put all of my energy into learning about my own recovery, boundaries, etc so that I could be the best and healthiest ME possible. I told myself he had some really important life lessons to learn and they weren't from me.
I had to really concentrate on those 3 C's -
I didn't cause it,
I can't control it and
I can't cure it.
I figured out that I wasn't any more in charge of his recovery options than I was his drug use. It was all HIS to figure out.
Others will be along soon to share their own ESH -experience, strength and hope.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome, Emily. You are young, and you are at great risk of future disaster in your involvement with an active drug addict. Your post: everything you wrote, all the events, all the chaos, all the starts and stops, all the betrayals, the violence, all the pain and the shock.....will be repeated, for years, for you, if you do not untangle yourself from this addict.
You are just what he's looking for. Someone sweet, forgiving, a rescuer, a caretaker, someone who sees only what she wants to see, someone who is easily conned. Most of the members of this forum have been that person, men and women alike.
He is a full blown manipulative, lying, self-serving, gun-waving, not-a-whiff-of-interest- in- doing -the -hard -work of -recovery drug addict. And he knows, Emily, like the predator he is, what an easy mark you are. When he wants to be pitied, fed, and mothered, he knows where to go. He is an addict and he's got your number.
If you want to help him, cut him off, completely.
You are just what he's looking for. Someone sweet, forgiving, a rescuer, a caretaker, someone who sees only what she wants to see, someone who is easily conned. Most of the members of this forum have been that person, men and women alike.
He is a full blown manipulative, lying, self-serving, gun-waving, not-a-whiff-of-interest- in- doing -the -hard -work of -recovery drug addict. And he knows, Emily, like the predator he is, what an easy mark you are. When he wants to be pitied, fed, and mothered, he knows where to go. He is an addict and he's got your number.
If you want to help him, cut him off, completely.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
I understand your pain. You are not a bad person if you walk away. You walking away is the most selfless and loving thing you cn do for him. It's that we don't want to our own Codie reasons.
I get it this is the man you love...but this isn't the man you fell in love with.
What happens is we get attached to what was or what we think they could be if only.
Is who he is today safe, loving, and acceptable to have in your life?
Sometimes helping people means letting thm go. God is it gut wrenching hard.
BIG HUG
I get it this is the man you love...but this isn't the man you fell in love with.
What happens is we get attached to what was or what we think they could be if only.
Is who he is today safe, loving, and acceptable to have in your life?
Sometimes helping people means letting thm go. God is it gut wrenching hard.
BIG HUG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Detaching is hard work.
So is everything else worth having in this world.
I detached from an oxy addict in December who told me I was her last hope,
the only one that was there for her unconditionally.(these words are like
crack for the codependents ears!!!)
Did I stop caring? No. Did I go no contact? Yes. If she messages me tomorrow,
will I fold? I doubt it---the REAL game gets clearer the farther I get away from it.
I decided to assist her in finding the dignity of facing the consequences of her
actions.
Does she hate me? Probably.
Do I care? Not really.
The codie nightmare is over.I invest my time,love,and care in those who can benefit
and even reciprocate.
So is everything else worth having in this world.
I detached from an oxy addict in December who told me I was her last hope,
the only one that was there for her unconditionally.(these words are like
crack for the codependents ears!!!)
Did I stop caring? No. Did I go no contact? Yes. If she messages me tomorrow,
will I fold? I doubt it---the REAL game gets clearer the farther I get away from it.
I decided to assist her in finding the dignity of facing the consequences of her
actions.
Does she hate me? Probably.
Do I care? Not really.
The codie nightmare is over.I invest my time,love,and care in those who can benefit
and even reciprocate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 6
Thank you all so much. It's really hard, especially when he and his friends AND his family tell me I'm the only thing keeping him slightly grounded. His mom was the reason I even talked to him after he was released. Come to.find out last night, he is probably doing more time...which I believe is the best thing for him. No drugs, alcohol, instigators, etc. you all have already helped me tremendously, now I just need to actually stop the communication again. So hard, but thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I hope you will consider sticking around even if he goes back to jail. My son has been in jail for up to a year at a time and comes out using the same day released I can't say what you Ex ABF may do letters usually come from jail and they are reformed yet once their feet hit the streets it starts all over again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
As the mother of an addict, I understand your bf's mother's objective in getting you to talk to her son. It gets the monkey off her back and puts that critter right on yours. She can't stop her son's addiction and she knows it. But she's holding on to the hope that someone else can change him so she has set her hopes on you.
He is not your responsibility. He is his own responsibility. But as long as others grab up that responsibility for his life and his addiction for him, he has no reason to stop. You become the scapegoat that gives him the opportunity to keep using.
This sounds hard and calloused. You may think that your boyfriend is different from my addicted son. That he's special. He's sensitive and kind and simply needs someone to help and support him. Believe me.....my son is all of those things too.....but he will use people until they are all used up and then he'll use his charm to line up his next enabler. He's good at it. All addicts are. It is how they survive. You are not more powerful or persuasive than addiction is. Believe me......if our love could cure addiction, not one of us would be here.
Take care of you. And consider picking up Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". You're young and kind and loving. It could save you a lot of heartache.
gentle hugs
ke
He is not your responsibility. He is his own responsibility. But as long as others grab up that responsibility for his life and his addiction for him, he has no reason to stop. You become the scapegoat that gives him the opportunity to keep using.
This sounds hard and calloused. You may think that your boyfriend is different from my addicted son. That he's special. He's sensitive and kind and simply needs someone to help and support him. Believe me.....my son is all of those things too.....but he will use people until they are all used up and then he'll use his charm to line up his next enabler. He's good at it. All addicts are. It is how they survive. You are not more powerful or persuasive than addiction is. Believe me......if our love could cure addiction, not one of us would be here.
Take care of you. And consider picking up Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". You're young and kind and loving. It could save you a lot of heartache.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
erudolph13...
it is a long hard road to figuring out there is nothing you can do for him...it is an absolute that he has to do it for himself.
I was with my ex for 2.5 years...I put so much energy and effort into it that it distracted me from my own life. I am still putting loads of energy into trying to break free emotionally and spiritually. that is part of the reason I post here...to keep processing and to try to free myself from my connection to him...the addict side of him.
pretty much the general rule of thumb is to tell the addict to come back after they have a year clean and sober and are working a program. it is my belief that this is the process in order that the co-dependent (that person who is co-nnected to the addict) does not get twisted into the downward spiral of lies, manipulation and deceit that addiction is made up of, using drugs is the final outcome of a spiritual sickness that tries to fill a hole in the soul with some substance. that hole is screaming out with lies and manipulation in order to get what it wants
next thing you know the co-dependent is also trying to fill the hole, the hole left by all the lies, deceit and manipulation...that wears the mask of promise, hope, charm, sweetness and love...we crave that love, that person, that promise
I am several years sober and deep in recovery programs for alcoholism and codependency. I have researched drug addiction for 2.5 years in order to "understand" my beloved charming almost husband addict ex. there is NO understanding addiction...NOT from the outside. it is a horribly complex set of issues and circumstances that can ONLY be dealt with by the person who WANTS recovery
the ONLY way to really really truly understand if someone WANTS recovery is when THEY are doing absolutely everything in their power to get clean. this includes NOT expecting you to do it for them.
do not try to use yourself as a shield to his addiction. do not try to use your heart as bait for his recovery. do not try to use your spirit to cast away his demons
he needs to shield himself from addiction, he has to use his own heart to love himself to not use, he has to go into the deep dark space of his own hole in his soul to recover his spirit...
YOU cannot do this for HIM
if love worked then NONE of us would be here
as a true codependent you will think this does not apply to your particular circumstances...you will think he is special and different. how/why do I say this? because we all do...in the beginning, in the middle, even at the end.
I am still working on trying to free myself. Turn now to your own life.
Turn to your own life.
Maybe he will catch up in the future.
But right now he needs to do some work. You are a distraction, and your being there makes him think he is not all that bad...
I wouldn't believe this two years ago, I just kept digging a hole.
it is a long hard road to figuring out there is nothing you can do for him...it is an absolute that he has to do it for himself.
I was with my ex for 2.5 years...I put so much energy and effort into it that it distracted me from my own life. I am still putting loads of energy into trying to break free emotionally and spiritually. that is part of the reason I post here...to keep processing and to try to free myself from my connection to him...the addict side of him.
pretty much the general rule of thumb is to tell the addict to come back after they have a year clean and sober and are working a program. it is my belief that this is the process in order that the co-dependent (that person who is co-nnected to the addict) does not get twisted into the downward spiral of lies, manipulation and deceit that addiction is made up of, using drugs is the final outcome of a spiritual sickness that tries to fill a hole in the soul with some substance. that hole is screaming out with lies and manipulation in order to get what it wants
next thing you know the co-dependent is also trying to fill the hole, the hole left by all the lies, deceit and manipulation...that wears the mask of promise, hope, charm, sweetness and love...we crave that love, that person, that promise
I am several years sober and deep in recovery programs for alcoholism and codependency. I have researched drug addiction for 2.5 years in order to "understand" my beloved charming almost husband addict ex. there is NO understanding addiction...NOT from the outside. it is a horribly complex set of issues and circumstances that can ONLY be dealt with by the person who WANTS recovery
the ONLY way to really really truly understand if someone WANTS recovery is when THEY are doing absolutely everything in their power to get clean. this includes NOT expecting you to do it for them.
do not try to use yourself as a shield to his addiction. do not try to use your heart as bait for his recovery. do not try to use your spirit to cast away his demons
he needs to shield himself from addiction, he has to use his own heart to love himself to not use, he has to go into the deep dark space of his own hole in his soul to recover his spirit...
YOU cannot do this for HIM
if love worked then NONE of us would be here
as a true codependent you will think this does not apply to your particular circumstances...you will think he is special and different. how/why do I say this? because we all do...in the beginning, in the middle, even at the end.
I am still working on trying to free myself. Turn now to your own life.
Turn to your own life.
Maybe he will catch up in the future.
But right now he needs to do some work. You are a distraction, and your being there makes him think he is not all that bad...
I wouldn't believe this two years ago, I just kept digging a hole.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
I'd say get out while your ahead. I waited 5 years and 2 kids later before it got out of hand (dom batterys, agg batterys, stealing from me, my mom, his own daughter, every word being a lie, etc....) Mine started with JUST coke and weed too (i used to justify it by saying its only a little coke and weed) to oxy, xanax, and heroin. He even hid that from me successfully for over 2 years. Because thats what they are good at, hiding & lying.
You should read my forums, im new to this as of a couple days but it has already helped beyond belief.
You should read my forums, im new to this as of a couple days but it has already helped beyond belief.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Here is what was going through MY mind as an undergraduate at SRU (SoberRecoveryUniversity) just a few months ago.......
"These people are talking about awful DRUG ADDICTS!!! Not the kind, special,
wonderful lady I have been helping for so long".
The classes were a grind,especially the YOUR ADDICT IS NOT SPECIAL class!
(that one kicked my butt worse than differential equations!)
When I finally walked across that stage and claimed that piece of paper I finally
understood what these kind,understanding,and wise people had been trying to teach
me.........'my' addict is NOT special,'my' addict is not 'above' addiction,and 'helping'
an addict materially ($) only helps to destroy them.
Tough course of study.Worth every penny & effort.
"These people are talking about awful DRUG ADDICTS!!! Not the kind, special,
wonderful lady I have been helping for so long".
The classes were a grind,especially the YOUR ADDICT IS NOT SPECIAL class!
(that one kicked my butt worse than differential equations!)
When I finally walked across that stage and claimed that piece of paper I finally
understood what these kind,understanding,and wise people had been trying to teach
me.........'my' addict is NOT special,'my' addict is not 'above' addiction,and 'helping'
an addict materially ($) only helps to destroy them.
Tough course of study.Worth every penny & effort.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
In reading this thread, and this is not directed at you Emily, I feel for you I really do. What I am mystified by is this request by addicts for help getting over their addcition, detoxing, rehab, meetings etc.... What is completely apparent is that this is such a sign that it is not over, if it were over then they, the addcit would get clean, work a program and get sober all on their own. No ex's needed.
Manipulation right down to the wire. It's a decietful as the first lie, and it's not the last. God help them all.
Manipulation right down to the wire. It's a decietful as the first lie, and it's not the last. God help them all.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
