An update on MY recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
An update on MY recovery
So, as you guys may remember seeing me post, I'm currently in a relationship with an active ABF. Drug of choice = opiates (for the most part, though this has changed over the years). We have a 2 year old daughter. For the last several months, he's been in some form of recovery. What that basically means is that he was seeing an addiction therapist and a psychiatrist who was basically his drug dealer. He changed from abusing H and OC to abusing the subutex that the doc prescribed, then buying more on the side to supplement. Then, he would "relapse" with OC every once in a while and God knows what else. I didn't really realize the extent of his addiction issues with this newest drug of choice, since I didn't even realize it was possible to abuse this stuff. But, it became clear, especially when I found him essentially neglecting our daughter by sleeping when he was in charge of watching her.
So, thanks in large part to this forum, I've made some changes in my life and I just wanted to give everyone the update. In the last few weeks, I've completely reorganized my own thinking patterns and no longer focus on what HE needs and wants and have gotten my head out of the codie fog that it was in before. I've detached and started building my own life and protecting my daughter from the consequences of his actions. I've read Codependent No More, a couple of other codie books, read on here extensively and have now been to THREE meetings. Yay for me. I had to work this weekend and instead of trusting her to his care, I forced him to stay with his parents so they could keep an eye on her instead of relying on him to do the right thing. I've started getting involved in my own activities, taking care of myself, exercising, finding mom's groups in the area, reaching out to my friends, and finally telling them the truth about what's been going on in my life. I've stopped managing his meds (which he is now buying purely off the street since his psych will no longer prescribe them to him) and have let him make plenty of mistakes while all the while he's telling me that what he's doing is in an effort to stop and wean himself down. I've stayed out of his choices and just basically checked out of his life altogether. I've fought the urge to ask him how many pills he has left, I've fought the urge (sometimes successful, sometimes not) to check his phone for recent calls and texts, and I've successfully fought the urge to research detox methods (claims he'll be detoxing within the next week).
Long story short, he's noticed the changes. He has been complaining about my lack of support, blaming me for making this all harder for him, blah blah blah. When he texts me and tells me he's sad about our relationship problems, I now send him a simple text back that just says "get sober" or "go to rehab." I have told him that I'm not willing to endure this any longer, for our daughter's sake, but also for myself. I've been open with him about going to meetings. He knows that if he doesn't get clean, I'm going to ask him to leave until he is clean. He told me he was going to stay at his dad's for a while and I said "okay, sounds like a plan" then he inferred that we were broken up and said I was now free to date other people and I said "okay, thanks for letting me know." Lol. Well, lo and behold, none of that happened. He still lives here, but he's stopped asking me for money and his plan is to detox this weekend and next week. I've decided to allow him to stay here while that happens. Yes, I realize I probably shouldn't do that, but I'm taking my own recovery in stages too. I'm going to give him this last chance to get clean, I'm not going to help him, but I will give him a place to stay while it happens. If he can't make it and feels he needs to go get drugs, then he will know that I want him out immediately.
So, anyway, my own recovery hasn't been flawless and there are things I'm not doing 100% "right", but I'm proud of myself for making it this far in a short period of time. Unfortunately, I'm still finding some aspects of this very hard and one crucial aspect I'm finding hard is this and it's a huge one: I can't help but think while I'm doing this that "this" will help to get him clean. Rationally, I'm doing this for the right reasons: to get myself better and to help my daughter. But, subconsciously, I keep finding myself thinking "I may be able to influence him to finally do this after all." I realize that's not good, but at least I have the insight to see that I'm doing that. And, regardless of "why" I'm getting better, at least I am actually getting better. I know I need to "act as if" and eventually I'll find that I'm doing it for the right reasons and not the codie reasons, so that's what I'm hoping.
I've found a great way for me to be able to cope with all this is just to truly see what a textbook addict he is and that my anger is not towards him as much as it is towards his disease. And that does really make me feel sorry for him, but it also helps me to realize that I'm dealing with what is essentially an insane/possessed/sociopathic version of the person I used to know and I'm not going to see the real him again until the drugs get out and the clarity seeps in. But, regardless of that, I'm not willing to support the disease any more than I already have.
So, thanks in large part to this forum, I've made some changes in my life and I just wanted to give everyone the update. In the last few weeks, I've completely reorganized my own thinking patterns and no longer focus on what HE needs and wants and have gotten my head out of the codie fog that it was in before. I've detached and started building my own life and protecting my daughter from the consequences of his actions. I've read Codependent No More, a couple of other codie books, read on here extensively and have now been to THREE meetings. Yay for me. I had to work this weekend and instead of trusting her to his care, I forced him to stay with his parents so they could keep an eye on her instead of relying on him to do the right thing. I've started getting involved in my own activities, taking care of myself, exercising, finding mom's groups in the area, reaching out to my friends, and finally telling them the truth about what's been going on in my life. I've stopped managing his meds (which he is now buying purely off the street since his psych will no longer prescribe them to him) and have let him make plenty of mistakes while all the while he's telling me that what he's doing is in an effort to stop and wean himself down. I've stayed out of his choices and just basically checked out of his life altogether. I've fought the urge to ask him how many pills he has left, I've fought the urge (sometimes successful, sometimes not) to check his phone for recent calls and texts, and I've successfully fought the urge to research detox methods (claims he'll be detoxing within the next week).
Long story short, he's noticed the changes. He has been complaining about my lack of support, blaming me for making this all harder for him, blah blah blah. When he texts me and tells me he's sad about our relationship problems, I now send him a simple text back that just says "get sober" or "go to rehab." I have told him that I'm not willing to endure this any longer, for our daughter's sake, but also for myself. I've been open with him about going to meetings. He knows that if he doesn't get clean, I'm going to ask him to leave until he is clean. He told me he was going to stay at his dad's for a while and I said "okay, sounds like a plan" then he inferred that we were broken up and said I was now free to date other people and I said "okay, thanks for letting me know." Lol. Well, lo and behold, none of that happened. He still lives here, but he's stopped asking me for money and his plan is to detox this weekend and next week. I've decided to allow him to stay here while that happens. Yes, I realize I probably shouldn't do that, but I'm taking my own recovery in stages too. I'm going to give him this last chance to get clean, I'm not going to help him, but I will give him a place to stay while it happens. If he can't make it and feels he needs to go get drugs, then he will know that I want him out immediately.
So, anyway, my own recovery hasn't been flawless and there are things I'm not doing 100% "right", but I'm proud of myself for making it this far in a short period of time. Unfortunately, I'm still finding some aspects of this very hard and one crucial aspect I'm finding hard is this and it's a huge one: I can't help but think while I'm doing this that "this" will help to get him clean. Rationally, I'm doing this for the right reasons: to get myself better and to help my daughter. But, subconsciously, I keep finding myself thinking "I may be able to influence him to finally do this after all." I realize that's not good, but at least I have the insight to see that I'm doing that. And, regardless of "why" I'm getting better, at least I am actually getting better. I know I need to "act as if" and eventually I'll find that I'm doing it for the right reasons and not the codie reasons, so that's what I'm hoping.
I've found a great way for me to be able to cope with all this is just to truly see what a textbook addict he is and that my anger is not towards him as much as it is towards his disease. And that does really make me feel sorry for him, but it also helps me to realize that I'm dealing with what is essentially an insane/possessed/sociopathic version of the person I used to know and I'm not going to see the real him again until the drugs get out and the clarity seeps in. But, regardless of that, I'm not willing to support the disease any more than I already have.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Gosh....is there anyway that your daughter could at least stay somewhere else while he is detoxing - and/or in active addiction? I hate that she is being exposed to this. Also, if DSS knew what she was being exposed to then you might be in danger of losing custody.
It's easy to think that a 2 year old wouldn't know the difference but this is when memories are being hardwired into the brain....and there they are without context to understand them. I personally believe that this is one of the ways that we teach our children to either use or tolerate users.
I know that it might be tough to arrange childcare but I really think that it is something to consider.
It's easy to think that a 2 year old wouldn't know the difference but this is when memories are being hardwired into the brain....and there they are without context to understand them. I personally believe that this is one of the ways that we teach our children to either use or tolerate users.
I know that it might be tough to arrange childcare but I really think that it is something to consider.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
I have a few friends who work in DSS/CPS, etc. and I've talked to them about this in an abstract way. She's not at risk since she doesn't go unsupervised with the addict himself (at least not since I found out the extent of his use and that he neglected her by sleeping). If they ever investigated, they would find me to be a sober (I barely drink two glasses of wine a month) and reliable parent and their solution would be for the addict to leave the home, which is going to happen anyway within the next week depending on how things go. Up until a couple of weeks ago, he was abusing a drug that was prescribed by his doctor. Now it's the same drug, but he's buying it illegally. I'm not sure how they would prove that is abuse if he started getting it through his doc again? I would love to know the answer to that because it would help when it comes time to discuss custody arrangements.
As far as being present during the detox, she won't be for the most part. I will be at work and she will be in daycare. I plan to take my time coming home after work and put her straight to bed when we get there.
Of course, now I'm thinking I need to get her out of the environment altogether. Or mabye HE needs to get out of the environment. What do you guys think is going to happen? That he will become abusive? I'm beginning to rethink this whole thing so thanks for the advice. I may not have realized what I'm getting into.
As far as being present during the detox, she won't be for the most part. I will be at work and she will be in daycare. I plan to take my time coming home after work and put her straight to bed when we get there.
Of course, now I'm thinking I need to get her out of the environment altogether. Or mabye HE needs to get out of the environment. What do you guys think is going to happen? That he will become abusive? I'm beginning to rethink this whole thing so thanks for the advice. I may not have realized what I'm getting into.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I think that a minor child should never be exposed to any part of an addict detoxing and I do not understand why you are wanting to give him a place to detox. Let him stay at his dads or wherever, his problem to resolve, not yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
When he detoxed before, it was a great deal of sleeping more than anything. Not like the movies. More like a flu. He didnt beg me for anything or become abusive or need to get restrained to the bed. Im kind of shocked to hear things like pack my bags and get my daughter out of the environment. I'm not saying that these are bad suggestions. I'm just asking what I'm missing? What should I expect to happen? Or be prepared for, at the very least?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
What should I expect to happen? Or be prepared for, at the very least?
Just remember addiction/alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease, and what has happened in prior detoxes may be nothing compared to what could and can happen now.
He can become paranoid, ranting, raving, screaming, violent, who knows. Just nothing your 2 year old should be around.
Oh and btw, don't kid yourself, that little girl is FEELING all the tension in your home every day.
Please follow the suggestions posted above and have an 'emergency bag' packed and in your trunk, or BETTER YET, send him to his fathers so you and your daughter will have a peaceful home.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
A child should never be exposed to addiction on any level. Children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood, your daughter sees and hears everything, although she will internalize her experiences.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Yes, I get that. I'm not in denial anymore. Done fooling myself by thinking that subutex was the lesser of the evils and now that I know he was using other things too, I'm all too aware that he needs to be removed from the environment so she isn't exposed to his behavior. This is his last shot and now I'm thinking he may need to go elsewhere to finish the process. Thanks for the advice. You've given me a lot consider.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I will add some more for you to consider.
Please note I do not condone anyone kick alone, nor do I condone an in home detox from any opiate.
You should encourage him to find help, or to at least talk to a doctor any doctor.
But then maybe it is just a game cause he has to know something … I can’t believe he wouldn’t have some idea about the dynamics of sub and what he is in for … most likely this will not be pretty.
I really do not think you have any idea what you are getting into. Yeah I know you saw this before … I saw wd once before the big kick, maybe that should be worded as the real kick … it was totally a game, he might have stopped using heroin, but he had them percs from the doctor that came in real handy….hmmm no wonder it didn‘t look that bad….naïve much, I sure was then. I learned a good lesson the next go around when he flat out kicked and that is exactly why I don’t condone anyone kicking alone, or for anyone to do it at home. And I had meds here, support from his doctor who he went and talked about it all to, muscle around in case….thank god I did have that muscle, it was needed.
This isn’t a game ever and with sub in the mix… If he doesn’t wean slow enough, long enough, not pretty. It is strong, with a half life of 37.5 hours, if he is using sub primarily he will slowly get worse and worse until BANG…and it won’t be any of that 3-5 day flu either, although I would love to know what ******* coined that term for wd. Also I don’t think hallucinations would be out of the question here, but then wd is an interesting beast, always worse than the time before, as if the brain would ever forget…
I do hope that it goes well for him, but in my experience I don’t think this is something you should condone. I don’t think he should be alone, don’t think you should be there, and especially your child shouldn’t.
And if you do choose to go through with this, 911 will be your only friend, use it without hesitation.
Please note I do not condone anyone kick alone, nor do I condone an in home detox from any opiate.
You should encourage him to find help, or to at least talk to a doctor any doctor.
But then maybe it is just a game cause he has to know something … I can’t believe he wouldn’t have some idea about the dynamics of sub and what he is in for … most likely this will not be pretty.
I really do not think you have any idea what you are getting into. Yeah I know you saw this before … I saw wd once before the big kick, maybe that should be worded as the real kick … it was totally a game, he might have stopped using heroin, but he had them percs from the doctor that came in real handy….hmmm no wonder it didn‘t look that bad….naïve much, I sure was then. I learned a good lesson the next go around when he flat out kicked and that is exactly why I don’t condone anyone kicking alone, or for anyone to do it at home. And I had meds here, support from his doctor who he went and talked about it all to, muscle around in case….thank god I did have that muscle, it was needed.
This isn’t a game ever and with sub in the mix… If he doesn’t wean slow enough, long enough, not pretty. It is strong, with a half life of 37.5 hours, if he is using sub primarily he will slowly get worse and worse until BANG…and it won’t be any of that 3-5 day flu either, although I would love to know what ******* coined that term for wd. Also I don’t think hallucinations would be out of the question here, but then wd is an interesting beast, always worse than the time before, as if the brain would ever forget…
I do hope that it goes well for him, but in my experience I don’t think this is something you should condone. I don’t think he should be alone, don’t think you should be there, and especially your child shouldn’t.
And if you do choose to go through with this, 911 will be your only friend, use it without hesitation.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
