All the crap, none of the benefits

Old 05-23-2012, 12:29 PM
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All the crap, none of the benefits

Ok, so I have split with ABF and asked him to move out. He has supposedly found somewhere and the move date should be 2nd June.

But finding it very difficult this last week or so and dreading next week. I am trying to keep busy - out tomorrow night, Fri night, away for weekend (when he should be packing up all his stuff) and I have a friend's I can go to next week if I need to as she is away and giving me set of keys.

Anyway, the problem is I feel like I've made the decision, but I'm in this limbo. I still have all the rubbish but none of the benefits of being free of it. I want to be reasonable as he has a busy job like mine and he took time off to sort a flat and appears to have got it. He hasn't anyway to go before the flat is ready and his parents won't put him up (boring history but they're beyond detached and i'm not convinced it's to do with the drinking, they're just rude). He is also really broke (not my fault either) but I have bought some food I've let him eat. I know, I know. But it's what I feel I want to do. Also, I keep buying stuff and getting home and realising it's stuff he likes, not me!!

I just need some tips on how to deal with the next week and a bit. I am still very much emotionally involved, as is he. He knows I'm upset, sometimes he is visibly upset. I am trying to approach this as if he is a flatmate so I'm considerate but distant. If we are at the flat at the same time, we eat together but it's polite chat, usually me asking when the flat will be ready and if any update.

Last night he went out to get some food and was gone a long time and all the old feelings came back - what if he's drinking, blah blah blah and I used it as a reminder of what this is the right decision. No more worrying about whether he's drunk or not. But I couldn't leave it there and ending up calling him to 'check he was ok'. Normally when drunk he'd ignore the phone but he picked up and said he was fine, he was out walking and thinking and sorry he'd worried me. He seemed like he hadn't drunk and when he got back he was his usual self, if a little down.

I was so annoyed at myself for calling him - I even apologised for it and said i shouldn't be calling! how do I detach in this last couple of weeks? Am I mental for having dinner with him? I don't want to lead him on but equally I don't want to be off with him which I'm worried is giving him hope that this is temporary... I keep thinking when he moves out, I can make it clear then what I feel, what contact I want (or don't more to the point) - guess I would like to break up with an alcoholic in an amicable way, if he is being reasonable too. Is that possible??!!
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Old 05-23-2012, 12:38 PM
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Can you stay with friends/at a hotel until he moves out?
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:10 PM
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I agree stay somewhere else,
you are just adding fuel to the fire, and torturing yourself in the process.
If you are done, then be done.

Hugs to you at this sad time in your life.
It's going to take some time to adjust, so be easy on yourself.
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:22 PM
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Thanks. I can stay at a friend's next week - she is away and offered her place up so I think i'll stay there a couple of nights next week. I have a counselling session next Wed near my home which isn't near my friend's place at all which is a pain but I expect even a few days will help. When I say I'm staying away, ABF looks like I just kicked a puppy. Keep saying to myself, this is about me, this is about me...
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:33 PM
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My heart breaks for you Anon12 ~

I told my now exah that I was leaving 2 wks before my rental house would be ready ~ we even had a grandchild's bday party at our house during those few weeks - it was very painful & strained.

To be honest, I truly don't believe my ex thought I would leave ~ I believe (and he had good reason, I had threatened to leave before & never did) he thought I would change my mind ~

I grew a lot in my recovery skills ~ I didn't have anywhere else I felt comfortable going those 2 weeks - i toughed it out, I knew if I left my ex would possibly steal/hock everything we had - when I left I had to take everything I wanted with me ~

So if you feel like you have to stay ~ try to "beef up" your recovery, meetings, reading literature, contact with sponsor & recovery friends, lots of self-care ~ it's not easy but you can do it ~

If you do have the option to stay elsewhere & you are certain your things will be ok ~ then it might be a saner option to go ahead for your own sanity.

Wishing you the best ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 05-23-2012, 02:01 PM
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Thanks for the advice. I have a one on one counselling session on wed and thought I would try an al anon meeting another day. Do you know if you have to go to the same one regularly or can you try different areas? I may not be in the same place.
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Old 05-23-2012, 04:16 PM
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I see nothing wrong with trying both places. I'm sure they will welcome you anyways. Keep being strong and reaching out. You can get through this and there are better days ahead. Imagine putting all that love and energy that you gave to him and giving it to yourself. Imagine knowing what you want out of life and going for it without having to worry about him and his illness anymore. Imagine loving you unconditionally. Unconditionally. That is what this is all about.

Love,

Lily
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Old 05-25-2012, 11:17 PM
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Need to vent to someone and it's too early to call anyone here! I'm so angry - XABF has confirmed everything I am doing is right. He is meant to be packing up his things to move out next weekend. I came home last night just before midnight and he wasn't at the flat. I tried to call him as I have been contacted by our landlord asking to confirm information for the referencing company who are sorting out his new flat.

Anyway, he doesn't answer. Then texts me to say he is out with colleagues and on way back (his car is outside and he works a 1 hr drive away so that doesn't add up). And he rocks up at gone 4am. Doesn't say a word, just brushes his teeth and crashes out, definitely drunk.

He had an opportunity to go to an AA meeting last night but he said he needed to get his stuff sorted and wait til he was settled in his new place before attending. I knew that was crap but his actions last night have confirmed he isn't ready to get help. I woudl have understood if he'd been here sorting through his stuff but instead he chose to drink. I just want him out now. I wanted it before, but now i'm done with being flexible as I feel he has just abused it.

I have plans this weekend with a friend I've not seen in nearly 10 years so don't want to cancel them - i'm meant to be staying over at hers tonight - but I feel I want to watch him pack so I know he's going. We were also meant to be talking about what stuff he may take from our joint possessions (although I paid for most of them) but now I'm awake while he snores and don't know when he'll be up and 'with it' enough to discuss that or his reference. I am so fed up of the selfishness.

Annoyingly, the letting agent still hasn't sent us the form to get him off the lease so legally he can be here according to UK law but i hope he just goes.

I'm going to tell him he has abused my generosity and I want all his stuff packed this weekend and all of removed from the flat no later than next Sunday. I'm not buying any more food or anything for him. If he doesn't I wnat to pack his stuff for me but he is a 6'3'' bloke and I'm wary, although not violent, I don't know what kind of response that will get.

Feel like my weekend is going to be ruined worrying about whether he is getting drunk or sorting his stuff out. I didn't sleep properly as I worried all night and now i'm shattered. I now don't want to stay away next week as I want proof he's leaving... but feel bit powerless to do anything.

ok, rant over.
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Old 05-26-2012, 04:28 AM
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My heart goes out to you. Please try to stop worrying, you will get through this.
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Old 05-26-2012, 04:49 AM
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Your expectation is that he will be reasonable and have his stuff sorted this weekend while you are away.

Your expectation is not based on reality. You are not dealing with a reasonable sane adult.

He is an alcoholic.

If he gets his stuff sorted at all, it will be at the last possible moment.
However, he may realize that you will get yourself worked up and do it all for him if he keeps procrastinating.

Today, you have the opportunity to enjoy the company of a good friend OR spend your day babysitting and worrying over a grown man. Which will you choose?
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Old 05-26-2012, 05:28 AM
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Thanks - he woke up and acted as if nothing happened. I said my piece. He then began crying saying he was going to miss me and that's why he'd drunk. When he went to hug me, and clearly I didn't want to hug him, he said i'd never wanted him to get close to me during our relationship??? You said it - not sane individual.

Anyway, I've told him to sort his stuff out and not to drink on my time (fully appreciate he will do what he wants) and I'm now off to go see my friend with swollen eyes. Yay!

I am going to go and have a good time. He will be sober on Sunday as he has to go to work on Monday and funnily enough work warrants his respect and consideration, but sadly not me.
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Old 05-26-2012, 06:32 AM
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Just want to give you big

You will get through this. I hope you enjoy your friends company. Try to smile and laugh and not worry. :smile:
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Old 05-27-2012, 03:07 AM
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hope you are having a great time with your friend!

word of experience, exAH agreed to leave our house after I told him I would no longer live with him drinking + all attendent behaviour. He said he would leave so that the kids were less disrupted: very noble. Within 2 weeks he had got signed off work for depression (which I'm sure he was), and was at home drinking round the clock, at one point accussing me of trying to make things uncomfortable for him so that he would leave (err? you have agreed to leave, I come home from work cook dinner for you ask you how your day was and try to be civil).

he did not think I was serious, it took ten weeks and some very blunt words from me (and me deciding that we would go, booked appointments to see some houses to rent).

he rented an apartment and still didn't actually leave for a month, occaissonally going there to "check on the progress with fitting it out" he didn't ever pack any of his things, just one small bag, and as he had a key to our home (we were married) came back and fore at odd, but daily, intervals, I had to ask him if he had actually left, as all his stuff was still here, and he often was.

it wasn't reasonable or civilised: chase that lease paperwork HARD, and stay away from the apt as much as possible to avoid the drama.

(())
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Old 05-27-2012, 06:30 AM
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With my first husband, there was no Alanon or any help for me. I was
just getting into the 'throes' of my own alcoholism and he was full blown
and had cheated on me.

I threw him out, with just the clothes on his back. Then knowing he
would come back for his clothes and 'stuff' I took every one of his jockey
shorts and his tee shirts and STARCHED THEM ALL STIFF AS A BOARD.

Then when he still didn't come for his 'stuff', I called him and left a
message that if he wasn't there by Noon he would find ALL of his
possessions on the front lawn. He did not show by Noon (was probably
hung over, this was a saturday) it was more like about 3pm and ALL
his 'stuff' was out on the lawn, and I had changed the locks already
on the doors.

Nope, no Alanon in that, lol

However, because of my second husband, I was involved in Alanon
very heavily. He was a sober alcoholic that became a chronic
gambler. He changed addictions.

By the time I said ENOUGH, he said okay he would leave. He
found a place, and after he retrieved all of his personal belongings
I went No Contact.

Big difference in two very similar scenarios. Kind of the 'before'
and 'after' of Alanon and therapy, rofl

I was very 'hurt' with both of these events. With the first one, I
solved it by increasing my drinking, and didn't find recovery for
another 5 years. With the second divorce, I was over 7 years sober,
and over 4 years in Alanon. I increased my meetings, vented to
both my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor a lot, and they helped
me work through the emotions and the pain.

You are doing very good from what you have posted thus far. I can
only tell you that we are always here for you, and you can vent as
often as you need to. Just be aware, that he will probably wait
until the last minute in the hopes that you will do all the packing of
his possessions. Don't, hand him some big black trash bags and
allow him to be an adult.

I know this is hard for you, and I know he will try every manipula-
tion he can think of to stall.

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong! Check with the manager
of your complex about getting maintenance to change your door
locks ASAP.

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,
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Old 05-27-2012, 08:34 AM
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Thank you for the advice and support. I don't know how I would cope without this forum and wished I had found it sooner.

I had a great weekend, switched off worrying if he was packing. As long as he is out next weekend, I'm trying not to stress. I am just overwhelmed suddenly with sadness.

My friend lives by the coast and has two gorgeous boys. I kept thinking of things my XABF were planning to do - he's still the first person I want to tell my news to and i have to stop myself texting him. I'm both desperate for him to move out so I can begin to move on but dreading it happening and it being actually over. Even though I know it's what I must do. I was encouraged he didn't seem to be drinking since we finished so Friday floored me. It's hit home he may never get in recovery and that makes me so sad. What a waste.
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Old 05-27-2012, 09:32 AM
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Don't let him stop you from moving on. Also change the locks the second he moves out. It IS time to move on. Grieve the loss of what you once thought would happen in this relationship and raise the bar. You are so worth it!
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Old 05-27-2012, 11:24 AM
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I've got back to our flat and he's packed almost all his stuff up. It kind of winded me - I didn't think he would and it has brought it home he is going. I'm so glad he didn't make me feel I had to take more forceful action. Thanks all for your comments.
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Old 05-27-2012, 01:00 PM
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hanks - he woke up and acted as if nothing happened. I said my piece. He then began crying saying he was going to miss me and that's why he'd drunk. When he went to hug me, and clearly I didn't want to hug him, he said i'd never wanted him to get close to me during our relationship???
I suggest no contact. No conversations, text messages, e-mail. Sever the ties. Do this for yourself because otherwise you can wind up with him 24/7 in your head. You're thinking about him while he's thinking about booze. You're doing great, this is one of the hardest things one can do in life.
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