beanie71

I am new to this site and am hoping for some help. I ran into an old high school friend a month ago. We both had crushes on each other and shared a kiss. Throughout the years, we have bumped into each other, made comments about being together, well, we found each other again. The first thing he said to me when we ran into each other was "I have been sober for four months and am in rehab." I was so happy for him and told him how courageous he was for admitting his problem. Since then we have been talking on the phone daily, going for walks, having coffee. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I totally support his recovery and how it is his first priority. I was married to an alcoholic for 7 years and refuse to live like that again. I support him 100%. I take him to meetings on weekends we are together, he does all his homework required of him, attends meetings three times a week, Bible study. His counsellor has advised him to phone me once a week and to keep things light. I am okay with this because I know AA discourages relationships in the first year. Both of us feel we are good together. He feels safe with me. I do not drink, go to bars, do drugs. I live a VERY clean life. We click and it feels right, special. I know his recovery comes first but why do I feel like I am making a mistake by getting involved with him? When we are together it's like old times, conversation is great, we have so much in common and he feels happy. I have started going to Al-Anon meetings as well to help me. A good friend of mine who was involved with a recovering alcoholic and has taken the Addictions course has told me to hang in there, that we have started something wonderful, I can't help but think I am making another mistake. Can someone help shed some light on this, I feel like I am losing my mind.
Thanks and sorry for the long post.

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR family!!

So glad you are doing 2 wonderful things ~ one reaching out for help here & attending Al-Anon meetings!! Those are great things for you - whether you decide if this relationship is the right thing for you or not ~

No one can tell you if you should or shouldn't be in this relationship - that's between you, your partner & your HP ~

I can suggest that you learn about boundaries, healthy compassion, minding your own business and allowing your BF to mind his own too ~ it probably won't be an easy ride - but no relationship usually is ~

Another great suggestion to help keep the relationship healthy is to remember to base your decisions on what your boyfriend does in his recovery not what he "plans" to do or what his intentions are to do ~

Please keep posting on here and reading - lots of great support here!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

beanie71

Thanks so much for your kind words. I have been single for four years now and spent a lot of time rediscovering me. I didn't want another alcoholic in my life but my BF is 100% behind his recovery and so am I. I will do whatever I can to help him. It's nice to hear words of encouragment rather than why the hell are you with that guy.

Thank you!

marie1960

I'll add my two cents......

I think your gut instinct is the one you should be listening too.

Four months of a recovery program is a mere drop in the bucket, seems way to early to be entertaining that slippery slope.

Personally, I would back off, and let him work his recovery.
Keep the focus on yourself, in time, more will be revealed.
Take care of you.

ODAT63

If you feel already like you are losing your mind, then maybe you need to back off remember NO ONE can help the alcoholic, we can only cheer their recovery.

tomsteve

recovering alcoholic here and can say from personal experience a relationship in the 1st year of recovery was not a good choice. i was tlod that,too and didnt listen. i shoulda did what i was told and bought a plant. if it was alive after a year, get a dog. if they were both alive and healthy after that year, i could think about a relationship.
this alcoholic didnt know how to have a relationship. i took hostages.

sugarbear1

I agree with marie1960. 4 months is too early to say anything. I don't know why you are taking him to meetings. He should be working on male friendships and on his program. This seems a bit codependent. If his sobriety is worth anything to him, he'd be willing to walk a few miles to get there.

You've waited this long to be together, what's another 9 months? Yeah, at least 9 more months so he can work on his relationship with his higher power. Otherwise, you may end up exactly where you were in that 7 year marriage. I'd stay away for a while.

Just my experience and opinion. I've been in your shoes and the aftermath wasn't a pretty sight.

Let him work on his recovery. There isn't anything you can do to "help" him other than to focus on your Al Anon steps!

"No human power could relieve our alcoholism"

Hugs,

m1k3

Hi beanie and welcome.

One thing in your last post jumped out at me.

I have found that things work so much better when I keep my focus on myself and my recovery.

His recovery is his, there is nothing you can do to help him other than to let him manage it himself.

Please keep posting here as there is so much wisdom to be found on these pages and many great people who I know have helped me with my recovery.

Your friend,

Hopehopehope

Hello! I'm new here, is the the naranon message board?

sugarbear1

Welcome Hopehopehope!

There is another forum on Family and Friends of Drug users or something like that, but you are welcome here, too!