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Partner is on the fence with support.

Old 05-23-2012, 08:15 AM
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Partner is on the fence with support.

Well.... Here I am getting sober. After all the prayers and all the "I will never do this again!", I am in meetings, looking for a sponsor and feel good about this decision. My husband is a different story. He does not prescribe to black and white thinking. It's to extreme. I realize that this is going to be a difficult up hill battle of conversation in my marriage. I don't know what to do.
From what I see, it has to be all or nothing. When I drink, I drink it all. If I were able to have 1 glass of wine, I wouldnt be in AA meetings. So, yes, it is black and white. No alcohol for me.
He said that he went to AA meetings before because I asked him to. The truth is, he went out and got wasted at a bar while I was in rehab and had sex with a random in his car. He was a mess on visiting day. He told me what happened and I said "I can't tell you that your a alcoholic. You might need AA. Please go to AA.".....Way to kick a horse while it's down.
I have to know that his support is not the reason why I am doing this. I am doing this for me. I don't like the elephant in the room. I want to share my joy with him.
He said that he will think about what is going on in his head. He will talk with me later. There is a lot happening in our lives right now. We are relocating in less than a month. We are dealing with child support issues. We are both starting new jobs.... I can see that his plate is full. I told him that i wanted a clear head while all of this is taking place. There is no time like right now to get sober.
So is my sensitive child self just wanting a pat on the back??? Am I asking for a lot when so much is going on?
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Old 05-23-2012, 08:19 AM
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I say whether you share your joy with him or not....Don't let him stand in the way of sharing that joy with yourself.
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Old 05-23-2012, 08:26 AM
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Start talking with others in recovery, that is where the pat on the back will come from. In time, maybe your hubby will join you, but don't expect someone who is still drinking to extend congratulations just yet. It's all okay. Focus on your own recovery and you will see what happens in time.

Hugs,
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Old 05-23-2012, 08:38 AM
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You sound like you have the correct perspective with regard to yourself. But perspective can be fleeting when there are so many discractions.

I can tell you that I am in an 18 years relationship. We both got to be drunks and addicts together. I recognized years ago the issues but he did not.

I went to rehab for him thinking I was doing the right thing. That was all wrong. I can only go for me.

You already know, way ahead of when I did, that this is and only ever will be about your life.

My partner and I are now in synch and are working hard together at a new sober life. A strong bond will prevail even over additction.

But keep the focus on you and when he see the positive changes he may swing your way.

All the best to you.
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Old 05-23-2012, 08:54 AM
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@ sugarbear
Your right. I shouldn't expect him to congratulate me in this. I think its the "needing approval" of me. I approve and that is all that matters.

@Weasel1966
He is afraid that i will ask him to go to AA also. I told him that I wouldnt do that. I know that getting sober requires the person wanting it. I know that a person has to be willing. I do not want what he doesn't want for himself.

@ sapling
Thank you!
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Old 05-23-2012, 03:51 PM
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Patrisha-

I can empathize. I am an alcoholic seeking help and my boyfriend (we drank/drugged together on and off for 19 years) will not. Although he is clean of drugs, he still drinks, sometimes to excess. I wish he would just go to AA or NA and get completely clean, but I can't make him. For now, I am just happy that we have a good relationship overall and I am praying he will change his mind at some point.

He is not happy about me going to meetings because he says that he knows the people there will tell me to leave him. But, he is trying to swallow that because he knows that my recovery has to be the most important thing.

I really hope your situation improves!!
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Old 05-23-2012, 04:04 PM
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I agree that 'needing approval' from your husband is not a good thing. It can cause resentment and disappointment. Focus on yourself and your recovery and things will work out as they should.
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Old 05-23-2012, 07:28 PM
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Welcome to SoberRecovery, Patrisha. Good to have you with us. I say focus on your own recovery. We cannot control anyone but ourselves. Looking forward to reading more posts from you.
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