transformyself

Please help me understand this
So I'm typing this

and AH tried talking to me and when I was cold said,

Oh we're back to this again?

which sends me into hysterics, because he was so freaking mean to me yesterday and told me, "I think we should not embark on a relationship," after comforting me about this woman he was texting the day before, telling me he didn't need to talk to her and would tell her it was wrong to engage with her.

I am utterly baffled by how this send me into hysterics.

Katiekate

He is taking his opportunity to hold you hostage again.

Emotional control is easy for them to gain, they know our wounds and the feed off of them. It's disgusting, and we take the bait all the time until we don't take it anymore.

And what I have found for me is that no discussion or contact is the only thing that will lead me to healing, and it is damn hard not to go back to the fire. And I don't know why, but what I am beginning to see is that in order for me to get myself out of this mess, the why of it doesn't matter, because clearly I will never be able to get into the mind of someone who uses pain to gain control.

Be compassionate with yourself. You are in my thoughts Katie xoxox

Katiekate

Oh and honey, just so you know, I am still stuggling with this . YOu are not alone.

bluoval

I couldn't have said it better than this or agree with you more on your comments here. Question is, how long are we going to continue to play the victimized "bait-takers?" The answer is "as long as we let them."

Hopeworks

I so remember those feelings and the despair... my heart goes out to all of you going through these agonizing times of feeling like there is no way out.

My ESH to you is that I would tell myself that what I was feeling although very real was a result of brain chemicals, hormones and fear of what change would bring to my life... continuing to reason with myself over and over and over again combined with time... years for me... and counseling, alanon and this website got me to the other side.

To freedom. peace. serenity. happiness. joy. I have all of those things now. I do not have the A in my life. I am no contact (except I am sending him belongings as he is in rehab... for the 7th time no less).

So... this too shall pass. For there is a season for everything and while you are mourning now... for the love gone wrong... the seeming hopelessness of your situation... there is hope... there is a future and in time you will find your own way out.

Don't settle for anything less... you deserve real love and real happiness.

PS... Transform Yourself... I always loved your signature and have even quoted to my A! What a visual! I would see myself loaded with the fire extinquisher, the huggies and all the other paraphernalia we certified codies had to have in our arsenal of Alcoholic Rescue Squad Equipment... lol.

I hung up my bag of goodies and now just turn over to my and his higher power... and believe or not ... God showed up for both of us...

transformyself

Yes, this. Thank you.

Here's a prayer for all of us today to have self-compassion serenity.

Hopeworks

No contact was a very, very big turning point for me. Codie addictiveness feeds on the contact... it is codie crack to listen to quack.

I think I just wrote a poem!

It is codie crack to listen to the quack.

Go No Contact!

or...how about: Go NO CONQUACK!

Anyone else got a line for my poem?

transformyself

That is making sense to me, which is a relief. I was so stuck in not understanding and blaming myself. Now I feel like i have some tools to apply.

Yes, it is Codie Crack to listen to quack.
Brilliant!

changeschoices

You will break out of it when you just can't take anymore. And then you have to go through all of the stages of grief, which is where I'm at right now. Every day a new emotion--or ten! However, I do realize that this will pass and I'll come out on the other side eventually.

I used to be "addicted" to helping pick up a AX after every binge, putting him back together and then enjoying a brief interlude of his being sober and our relationship going well. I think I was addicted to those periods of normalcy and happiness more than to the chaos of helping an addict, because I was deeply miserable helping him and really didn't want to. But once I realized that I was actually enabling him to keep being a drunk, that was that for me.

Hopeworks

Yes... it is revelation that we are not crazy...just a little broken and desperately want to love and fix and our bodies and brains and hormones DO NOT HELP ... they are hard wired to attach us to the A (or normie) we have been attached intimately with.

I believe this is true (others may disagree which is OK and please share) when we emesh ourselves in a relationship and give our heart, soul, mine and physical self in union there is a spiritual bond and when we try to seperate from that (even when it is toxic) it is like pulling duck tape off our skin... it is pulling off a layer of skin... it HURTS like h*** in every part of our being. Even our very soul.

But... to survive... to thrive...to grow beyond our bad choices (I have a very, very defective picker) we must do what is the hardest.

Detox. Go no conquack. Create a peaceful place to ... yes... even mourn.

But you are OK. You are .... normal! Look around you. We ALL feel the same horrible emotions....those pesky hormones. Those endorphins screaming for some DRAMA... some of those enticing lies from our A's... you know those ones... how much they are sorry...how much they love you... how they will never ... EVER ... hurt you again! How they will never drink again!!!!!

Tell me another quack.

We are OK. we are all OK. we are all on a journey. It's an elevator. You just aren't ready to get off yet. You are still grieving.

And that is OK. It is a process. But there is light at the end of that tunnel. And it great once you turn that corner!

Gosh. I wish I could all invite you over for a party or something!

Hopeworks

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^

So so so very true! How stupid was this: My A goes to Vegas for 3 months and drinks and drinks and gambles until he got his cards pulled. So he calls me up with unlimited quacking and begging me to come and rescue him from the sin city.

Guess why he thought I would come and rescue the poor hopeless alcoholic? Because I had done this twice before! Now how stupid was that? I had "trained" him to expect rescue from his well trained highly manipulated very, very sick codie!

The alcoholic dance at its finest... yuck. But this time it was different. He had let his recovery slip but I had been faithful to my own recovery and I went no contact as soon as he violated my no alcohol boundary.

The spell was broken and the dance ended. Boundaries and then no contact was my salvation. But it didn't happen overnight... four long years of alcholic insanity.

4 years. 4 long stupid ridiculous years of very bad decisions on my part. But..it was my journey and I'll own it. And tell you all about it. For what its worth...

Thumper

Well I hang on with a death grip to anything I get in my head. I had a picture of my family in my head and I was determined that I could MAKE that picture come to life. If I tried hard enough, long enough, ignored enough, changed myself enough, manipulate enough, I could force my dream to materialize. If it wasn't happening, I was doing it wrong.

I went on that way a long time until I finally saw that I had disappeared. I had become a shell of a person, a not good mother, very flat, and so miserable and bitter and angry.

With the help of a counselor, SR, and lots of reading I began to let go of my death grip on that dream and listen to that little voice inside that was telling me everything was wrong.

I got my head wrapped around a different vision, one of getting away from what was causing me to be a person that was no longer true to myself or true to who I wanted to be, the mother my kids needed. It was slightly different because there was no death grip but there was movement. I took one step toward it with the same determination and walked through the fear and pain and just kept walking. I don't know if I could have have done it with out the help I got here and with my counselor. I imagine I would have had some more serious hiccups along the way. (I do not have PTSD so no ESH there).

Feelings are not Facts! I reminded myself of that a lot. I might feel guilty or confused or whatever but feeling it did not make it a fact. If I used my head and thought it out, I was not confused. I was feeling that way because of xyz but that little voice inside was not confused at all. I might feel guilty but I could reason that this was a result of co-dependency, not a fact of reality. Things like that. I am not a visual person. I think in words, write things out, etc. but during that transition I was so overwhelmed that I used tons of visualizations. I had a lot of visual stories in my head to help me through and it did help - a lot. I have a hard time even conjuring up a visualization anymore because it isn't the way my brain generally operates but I still remember the one's I used then. They were things that helped me in the moment, to keep my reality focused. They replaced that dream in my head which was pure fantasy.

Hopeworks

Thumper,

Your post totally resonates with me.

This is a good meaty thread... visualizations really helped me too.

And many things that I had read over the past year and half would STICK...like glue and start to have meaning and truth.

The signatures like yours and others like the fire extinguisher and the huggies. Reading truth over and over again and saying Eureka! thats me! thats sooo true.

And slowly you begin to think NORMALLY again. You immediately start to see that the twisting of logic and alcoholic thinking and manipulation is what it is.

I personally began to believe that unacceptable behavior was ...unacceptable. I read that here first and started to believe it and then applied it and made it a boundary.

Baby steps... back to reality and normal thinking. Until you are ready to spread your wings and fly away or they are ready to get off the alcoholic crazy train and try to heal themselves with real recovery.

gerryP

Changeschoices writes, "You will break out when you just can't take it anymore."

Transform, I realize there is a lot at play here, but isn't the reason you are living together for financial reasons? Are you not already in a place where you are finished with him, but are unable to up and go with your sons because of a lack of funds?

You mentioned over the weekend that you thought you would be able to get the $150.00 needed to file the papers for a divorce, which would ultimately afford you child support. Did you get the money needed?

transformyself

Yes, emerging from the madness now I think. Stop focusing on AH and what he's saying and how it makes me feel and remember that I have a life and a backbone and can create the boundaries that will help me heal.

I slip into desperation, he gives me a little taste of love-crumbs really-and I go insane wanting more more more. I'm the addict here. I'm the one who needs treatment and support.

transformyself

Hi Gerry

yes, he moved in for financial reasons, supposedly, but there has been all sorts of boundary crossing and fighting and horrible fights now that I think about it then one weekend together which totally jacked me up. Again.

yes. I am looking into getting the money to divorce.

First, I have to start checking off my list
more work and income
file for divorce
lease is up in August and we have to sort out who moves out
get my ass to meetings

sugarbear1

Read Codependent No More or Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them or try Al Anon or counseling for you to find out who you are. This man is making you drown and You are worth more than this!

Hugs,

transformyself

I looked up the book men who hate women and I am so confused. He says HE walks on egg shells around me and he is afraid of me. I believe him too. It's easy to believe he's the victim and I have blown it.

I think we are toxic, poison to each other. I am tired of blaming him, tired of blaming me. I just want to and am at this point willing to do anything to get off of this merry go round.

I'm so grateful for all of you here. It's really the only thing keeping me somewhat sane

bluoval

Just remember, if what someone says or does makes you feel like garbage about yourself, you're being held emotional hostage in an unhealthy codependent relationship by/with that person. There is hope. You do NOT have to continue this cycle. I suggest Codependence Anonymous meetings. They helped me greatly.

m1k3

I don't know why but my DOC is my AW. Simple fact. The only way to get myself off of my DOC is to go cold turkey (no contact). We have been separated for a year now and I think we are getting to the final stages of the divorce.

Believe it or not, even though I have a strong recovery and loved my last year with no AW I am still having some anxiety over the divorce, simply because then it will really be over. 90% of me is thrilled and 10% says "Noooooooo, don't do it".

So, it's something all us codies go through. I really had to watch myself during the alimony "discussions" not to just say OK to anything she wanted because that's the way it always used to work.

Oh yeah, do you know the difference between a codie and a pit bull?

The pit bull knows when to let go.

Your friend,