Audi

Hi I am new to posting here. I have received a lot of help here though, so thank you! My husband is an alcoholic, or at least he abuses alcohol. He has this extremely frustrating habit of only drinking on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, sometimes Thursdays. But he can be completely alcohol free on the weekends. Every week is a let down, cuz even though I know he's going to drink, every week I hope that he doesn't.

My question though is this. I just recently found out that he has maxed out his credit card, $5,000, which is a lot for us since we are young and don't have a lot of money, and were debt free before this. It has all been spent on alcohol. It's his card so I wasn't keeping track of it, and now I am in charge of finances. He has agreed to give me control of all his money, including credit cards, debit cards, checks, everything. I try to give him money and he won't take it. My problem is that he makes more money than I do, and even with supposively no money available to him, he is still managing to get beer and wine. I have no idea how, if he's stealing it, or taking money from work, or borrowing money from people? I don't carry cash so he's not stealing it from me. Is this totally wrong? I left cash out today (tuesday) and he bought a bottle of wine and a 12 pack and drank it. Now I feel terrible cause I just fed him alcohol. I don't know what is the best answer in this situation. Do I give him back his card so he can spend all our money on alcohol? I know that I am trying to control him, and failing, but I am still in a hard spot and need some advice from those who know much more than me.

Thank you...

SoloMio

Well, you're playing my tune. When AH and I were first married, we both worked in NYC and he had an AMEX card and just what you're saying--I was diligent about staying out of debt and he was racking up thousands at every bar in midtown Manhattan.

Based on my years of experience, I can tell you that as long as he is drinking, you are going to have almost no ability to truly manage expenses as a couple. You are going to feel like you are bailing out a leaking boat on one side while he making the hole wider at the other end. It's going to make you VERY tired.

The only thing you can do is protect yourself aggressively. I have split off my finances, and we have almost no common money, which is no way for a true marriage to function. I am lucky in that I was able to build a solid credit history independent of his and earn good money independent of him. In answer to your question about controlling the money for him, and doling it out--forget it--as you are learning, the control is an illusion, and both of you will resent it as long as you are playing mommy to his irresponsible child.

I can't tell you what your life will be like, but I can tell you living with someone who is prone to that type of behavior has been devastating to my/our financial health--and I do blame myself for keeping those blinders on for way, way too long--ignoring obvious signals and the advice of friends and therapists.

The only time we were financially healthy was during his five years of sobriety. We shared finances, we did house improvements that he paid for, he built a business to a point where he was able to move the business out of the house and have eight employees. He relapsed, and in two years the employees and the business was all gone--pouf! All that remained was a $120k business loan which I really, really foolishly had cosigned.

So, the money problem is simply one manifestation of the bigger alcohol problem. So forget about strategies to manage your money--those problems will likely be there as long as he is drinking--and they will only get worse.

changeschoices

Keep your money separate. You really can't control the pooled finances when one person is an addict. I learned that the hard way.

Pelican

Oh dear,

I know exactly what you are talking about and feeling!

I was given the role of financial secretary at our house. I tried everything you have tried to control the debt (and the drinking). This is what my A did:
rented a post office box
opened a new credit card through the post office address
received a new credit card at post office box
used the new credit card as an ATM card to get cash advances for booze and gambling.

Result: huge, financial disaster!

Welcome to the SR family! Please pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home.

Some excellent reading can be found in the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of this main forum page. One of my favorite stickies contains steps which helped me while living with active alcoholism. Here is a link to that sticky post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

akalacha

I was in a similar situation for a short time. I kept plenty of food in the house, I paid the bills, but I wouldn't give him cash. Yet he still managed to get alcohol! I found out that he was stealing beer from a neighbor (beer kept in a storage shed), and selling his stuff to buy liquor. You cannot control this situation. My suggestion is to not even try. It just gets you caught up even more in the craziness of living with an A. Take care of yourself, protect your own money, keep coming here, reading and posting. Wishing you the best.

baileyboop

I have suffered the financial devastation that alcoholism brings. I also made the ultimatum of controlling the finances to control damage and the drinking. The results were resentments from my A, weariness and resentments on my part, A liquidated his 401k to continue drinking as well as had PO boxes and bank accounts in other Towns to hide all of this. Hugs to you

dollydo

You will never control something that is out of your control. He will steal to get money to drink or drug, he is an addict, that is what they do.

All money/investments should be kept seperate, no joint loans/mortgages...no joint anything, you will either be stuck with all the bills or lose everything, it happens all the time. Addiction rules.

Protect your future, you are too young to let it all be ruined by a selfish, immature alcoholic.

Read all the stickeys in the Family & Friends Forums, keep reading other posts, we are here for you.

SoaringSpirits

This!

My AH plowed our life savings, $300,000, into his suffering business (failing because he drinks rather than works the business) last year and neglected to tell me. I discovered this while auditing our books. It was the final straw for me.

I tried for a while to control the joint finances, but ultimately realized that with an alcoholic, there is no control. The only thing you can do is separate everything and protect yourself. I am now pursuing legal separation as I'm seeing the writing on the wall --- I have to protect myself and our assets because with the progression of alcoholism (ALL alcoholics progress in their addiction unless they take steps to get into recovery/sobriety) it's only a matter of time before this happens again.

Educate yourself about alcoholism, read the stickies at the top of this forum, try to get to some Al Anon meetings. You can't control him, cure him, nor did you cause him to drink heavily. You can only control and protect yourself and your own interests.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

Justfor1

He will steal, lie, and beg to get money for booze. Or he will turn to household type items with alcohol in them.

StarCat

In my opinion, taking over finances if the goal is to separate them to protect yourself financially is a good thing. Taking them over to control, on the other hand, doesn't work.

I took control of the finances for a few months, and used that time to gradually reduce the amount of my money he was relying upon for his budget (he'd add me in when he wanted to spend more than he could afford, which turned into all my salary minus the rent at some point later). As a result when I left around Christmas I had about $200 in non-rent money, which became invaluable living expenses for important things like food and gasoline until I could get back on my feet again.

Joint finances never work with an addict.
In the case of my XABF, he was addicted to whiskey and expensive clothing, and constantly insisting on going to expensive restaurants and hotels so he could brag to his family (and hold over my head) "how much he did for me." Granted, I ended up paying for most of that "what he did for me" with my own money, towards the end, but still I should have groveled at his feet in his eyes.
I'm still paying off debt that was accrued when I was with him, a year and a half later. I have managed to repair my credit score, though, and now the only debt that appears on that report is the loan for the car I got to celebrate my escape (and replace the junker that was all rusted through that I had when I left). The other loan I'm paying off was a $15k loan against my 401(k) to pay off the highest-interest credit card, which I hope to pay off by Christmas this year, if I can stay within budget.

Jazzman

I had a $40,000 debt left over from my marriage to an alcoholic. That doesn't include what I spent on rehab and a lawyer. I called it my stupid tax. If you're smart now, you might not have a really big stupid tax later.