Into the Maze
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Into the Maze
I think I am just now coming to terms with how profoundly addiction has altered me, my personality and my perception of the world. It's hijacked who I am. Sure, the stolen car has been recovered, but the tires have been slashed and the engine has been ripped out.
Had a terrible couples counseling session with Mrs. Deserto today. I felt ganged up on, like I could do or say nothing right, like I didn't even understand half of the questions, like everything I said was delusional or defensive... who the heck is this person?
Driving home the feelings of futility and depression and sadness were overwhelming, and the only thought was drink drink drink drink drink drink drink drink drink.
That's how I've responded to emotions for nearly 23 years. For the seventeen years before that? Don't dare show an emotion. Just fake it, repress it, disassociate from everything that is going on around you, if you don't speak you can't be told you're wrong.
I'm not dysfunctional, I tell myself. Instead, I'm an actor on a stage. I've memorized the lines and can mimic most emotions with stunning accuracy. Olivier, lacking only blood and heart.
We're truly broken people, aren't we? I'm willing to do the work to be whole, but I have to confess that I don't know what that means, and am terrified at times that a crucial piece has gone missing.
I'm gonna have to go much, much deeper this time....
Had a terrible couples counseling session with Mrs. Deserto today. I felt ganged up on, like I could do or say nothing right, like I didn't even understand half of the questions, like everything I said was delusional or defensive... who the heck is this person?
Driving home the feelings of futility and depression and sadness were overwhelming, and the only thought was drink drink drink drink drink drink drink drink drink.
That's how I've responded to emotions for nearly 23 years. For the seventeen years before that? Don't dare show an emotion. Just fake it, repress it, disassociate from everything that is going on around you, if you don't speak you can't be told you're wrong.
I'm not dysfunctional, I tell myself. Instead, I'm an actor on a stage. I've memorized the lines and can mimic most emotions with stunning accuracy. Olivier, lacking only blood and heart.
We're truly broken people, aren't we? I'm willing to do the work to be whole, but I have to confess that I don't know what that means, and am terrified at times that a crucial piece has gone missing.
I'm gonna have to go much, much deeper this time....
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
I can definitely relate. Ive had sessions go like that with Mrs. Fallow too.
When I think about the enormity of my coping mechanisms and habits the past twenty plus years...I just get overwhelmed and drink drink drink.
Im gonna have to go much deeper too and Im very scared.
When I think about the enormity of my coping mechanisms and habits the past twenty plus years...I just get overwhelmed and drink drink drink.
Im gonna have to go much deeper too and Im very scared.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
What a good, insightful post. I've felt like that too. Like when I got sober it was like walking away from the remnants of a nuclear war and starting over. It's worth the work. And you can do it. I hope you get counseling by yourself too. Do you? Best wishes Deserto.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Wow, I KNOW exactly how you feel, and have lived through that session with my ex.
I often ask "will the real me please stand up?"
I was terrified and turned around and frustrated and lost when I was using, but I'm not a bad person. I was so busy trying to be a perfect person (well, according to my mom's definition) that I never realized that I'm a pretty neat person in my own right. I was so busy scrutinizing what I was not, that I totally missed who I am.
I often ask "will the real me please stand up?"
I was terrified and turned around and frustrated and lost when I was using, but I'm not a bad person. I was so busy trying to be a perfect person (well, according to my mom's definition) that I never realized that I'm a pretty neat person in my own right. I was so busy scrutinizing what I was not, that I totally missed who I am.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Here is a good read out of the Big Book. pg 60-62
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Wow, Sapling. Thanks for the great read. I guess I need to read the Big Book.
Fallow, Badatbooze, it's good to know others feel lost. I guess when our only coping mechanism, or at least our main one, is booze -- well, we're not going to be very good at identifying our emotions if we're always drowning them out whenever they rear their heads, now are we?
Threshold, I've come to realize I'm not a bad person, either. It's not a character defect -- it's an addiction, a disease. For the first time in my life I think I understand why people feel liberated when they recognize it as a disease. It's something I can conquer. It's something I can let go of.
But we're a bit like people who've walked on one leg and a crutch all our lives. It finally clicks that there's nothing wrong with the other leg -- except it's weak and awkward from disuse, there's no muscle to it.
So I wobble and will wobble and probably won't move very far very fast. But I'm done with the crutch.
I don't think before these last few days I've ever really accepted that I can't pick that crutch up again. But I can't. That **** will kill me -- soul first, as Dee says.
Fallow, Badatbooze, it's good to know others feel lost. I guess when our only coping mechanism, or at least our main one, is booze -- well, we're not going to be very good at identifying our emotions if we're always drowning them out whenever they rear their heads, now are we?
Threshold, I've come to realize I'm not a bad person, either. It's not a character defect -- it's an addiction, a disease. For the first time in my life I think I understand why people feel liberated when they recognize it as a disease. It's something I can conquer. It's something I can let go of.
But we're a bit like people who've walked on one leg and a crutch all our lives. It finally clicks that there's nothing wrong with the other leg -- except it's weak and awkward from disuse, there's no muscle to it.
So I wobble and will wobble and probably won't move very far very fast. But I'm done with the crutch.
I don't think before these last few days I've ever really accepted that I can't pick that crutch up again. But I can't. That **** will kill me -- soul first, as Dee says.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Sober Mammoth!
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,086
Hey, Olivier,er...Deserto. 
I, too, have been a long term drinker. 20-25 years or so. The realization of the many years spent self-numbing have cost me dearly in my feelings of self-worth, personal and professional reputation, and loss of friends. At times, I feel as if I were exhumed from a time capsule, blinking in the bright light. Where did the last decade plus go? Tough to face, but the most exquisite knowledge is first-hand experience. Looking back will help me make better choices in this next phase of a happier life.
"Broken people?" I say beaten up, but not beaten down. In my first long sober stretch, the early stages of sobriety brought seemingly endless self reflection, self criticism, depression, self-imposed isolation, cranky pessimism... all the "isms" and "ions" Phew. Having done it before, I know that it does get better, but it's difficult all the same.
One thing that made a difference in feeling whole again was making myself pursue new interests and goals. Some have stuck with me, such as music and gardening. Some like reading a new novel every other week, eh, not so much. I take a while to enjoy a good read. Definitely need to get back on the exercise jag again. That always made me feel so much stronger and more confident.
Hope your couples counseling sessions get better in time. I won't assume any understanding of your specific situation with Mrs. Deserto, but the counseling sounds like a worthwhile starting point in healing for both of you. I wish you the best.
Gotta say that I truly enjoy your prolific, poetic, and poignant SR posts often interlaced with a wonderfully wry sense of humor. Lovin' it, classmate. Big hugs to you for staying sober.
I, too, have been a long term drinker. 20-25 years or so. The realization of the many years spent self-numbing have cost me dearly in my feelings of self-worth, personal and professional reputation, and loss of friends. At times, I feel as if I were exhumed from a time capsule, blinking in the bright light. Where did the last decade plus go? Tough to face, but the most exquisite knowledge is first-hand experience. Looking back will help me make better choices in this next phase of a happier life.
"Broken people?" I say beaten up, but not beaten down. In my first long sober stretch, the early stages of sobriety brought seemingly endless self reflection, self criticism, depression, self-imposed isolation, cranky pessimism... all the "isms" and "ions"
Phew. Having done it before, I know that it does get better, but it's difficult all the same.One thing that made a difference in feeling whole again was making myself pursue new interests and goals. Some have stuck with me, such as music and gardening. Some like reading a new novel every other week, eh, not so much. I take a while to enjoy a good read. Definitely need to get back on the exercise jag again. That always made me feel so much stronger and more confident.
Hope your couples counseling sessions get better in time. I won't assume any understanding of your specific situation with Mrs. Deserto, but the counseling sounds like a worthwhile starting point in healing for both of you. I wish you the best.
Gotta say that I truly enjoy your prolific, poetic, and poignant SR posts often interlaced with a wonderfully wry sense of humor. Lovin' it, classmate. Big hugs to you for staying sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
You are a great person Deserto and I'm so glad we are in the May support group. I am with you....this time the work will be hard and it will be real. Not half-assing it this time. I feel afraid too. As for crutches....I can't think about forever...I am just thinking about today. Hang in there. Drinking will get you nowhere.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 631
yeah, lately I am wondering who I have freaking been sharing the same skin with for the past 25 years, since I was 16....it rattles the bones, actually. Feel like I have been cryogenically unfrozen from some 2001 A Space Odyssey trip to Jupiter and am looking at a new guy...............not that there's anything wrong with that. 
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I strikes me that one of the tasks in sobriety is to become who we truly are. It’s necessary to stop the pretending and the denial. To stop the denial about our alcoholism is one thing, but its also important to stop the denial and pretense about how we feel and what we think. I don’t need to share, or act on all those thoughts and feelings but it is necessary for me to at least acknowledge and accept that I have them.
I think this is what the whole emphasis on honesty is about in AA. Like it says on page 58, the people who fail are “usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves” (Alcoholics Anonymous 1st edition).
I think this is what the whole emphasis on honesty is about in AA. Like it says on page 58, the people who fail are “usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves” (Alcoholics Anonymous 1st edition).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Trenches, Texas
Posts: 778
Originally Posted by Deserto 
I think I am just now coming to terms with how profoundly addiction has altered me, my personality and my perception of the world. It's hijacked who I am.
The Remedy? A new pair of glasses. I had to see things for exactly what they were instead of what my mind told me they were...starting with me. However I see me is how I will see the rest of the world, and for the longest time I bought a lie that I never measured up and in buying that lie it turns out I never quite measured up....which then leads me to others not measuring up too...creates a cycling vortex of insanity...
Through the help of some folks in 12 step fellowships I am regaining a truer perspective on life and the world. I won't call it the truest, I don't claim enlightenment, I still fall way short some days. A great statement of hope for you is that I don't hardly resemble the man that came to AA in 2009, he wasn't very likeable either. That can be you as well. What's even cooler is that I can be taken past where I am now
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
Every day I feel like I am waking up more, and it's been almost 1-1/2 years since I drank. The harder challenge for me is not being angry at myself for allowing almost 30 years of drinking, almost 30 years of missing out on living. Errgghh! There better be reincarnation cause I want a do-over!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I understand completely. But I'm quite enjoying finding out who I really am. I'm sort of awkward in social gatherings with people I don't know, I'm too much of a people pleaser, but I've got a kind heart and am an understanding and accepting friend. I'm not that loud depressed drunk woman that has been living in my skin for the past 30 years.
I'm much nicer than that, and it's sort of fun getting to know the real me.
It's tough and a bit scary, but there are many many positives to be had in learning about ourselves. It's ok to be emotional. These are real feelings, not drunken over exaggerations. Face everything head on, it really is worth it xx
I'm much nicer than that, and it's sort of fun getting to know the real me.
It's tough and a bit scary, but there are many many positives to be had in learning about ourselves. It's ok to be emotional. These are real feelings, not drunken over exaggerations. Face everything head on, it really is worth it xx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 40
I can relate also, I just turned 50 and have been drinking since my teens.
Not always heavily but fairly steady. The longest I have gone without drinking in over 30 years is 2 months last year. That is one of the biggest motivators for me to achieve long term sobriety. I want to experience who I really am without any mind-altering substance.
Not always heavily but fairly steady. The longest I have gone without drinking in over 30 years is 2 months last year. That is one of the biggest motivators for me to achieve long term sobriety. I want to experience who I really am without any mind-altering substance.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Jeni26
I understand completely. But I'm quite enjoying finding out who I really am. I'm sort of awkward in social gatherings with people I don't know, I'm too much of a people pleaser, but I've got a kind heart and am an understanding and accepting friend. I'm not that loud depressed drunk woman that has been living in my skin for the past 30 years.
I'm much nicer than that, and it's sort of fun getting to know the real me.
It's tough and a bit scary, but there are many many positives to be had in learning about ourselves. It's ok to be emotional. These are real feelings, not drunken over exaggerations. Face everything head on, it really is worth it xx
I'm much nicer than that, and it's sort of fun getting to know the real me.
It's tough and a bit scary, but there are many many positives to be had in learning about ourselves. It's ok to be emotional. These are real feelings, not drunken over exaggerations. Face everything head on, it really is worth it xx
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,935
Self-discovery can be fearful and gratifying. Its well worth the journey to those, like yourself, that have the courage to take on the task. One thing that helps me is to accept myself fully, the good with the bad. I can only change what I acknowledge exist and nurture only the things that I cherish.
Keep working it, healing is at your command.
Keep working it, healing is at your command.
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