he doesnt care, why should i?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Tx
Posts: 117
he doesnt care, why should i?
I recently posted here about a decision i have been struggling with: allowing my AXBF to continue spending time with our son. Well i made my choice & for my SON'S sake i have decided to allow continued supervised visits at the park; i sit to the side while they play. The dilemma now is setting up these visits... i have NC w my A(blocked his#)unless he calls my work phone, which he hasnt done since last week & my mindset is that im not going to reach out to him bc if he really wanted to see our son he knows he can call my work #. Idk what to do bc my son misses him & i kinda sorta feel like im being stubborn or whatever by not calling my A but like i said he knows what to do if he wants his visitation. Suggestions? Similar experiences?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
My adopted kids were in foster care when they first lived with me. They had supervised visits with their bio-father (who is an alcoholic and drug addict) at a park with a paid supervisor. You could contact your local CPS and ask them about how to go about finding someone like this. Then put it in your A's lap. Give him parameters (a one-hour visit on the first Sunday of the month, or whatever you want) and give him the phone number and hourly cost for the supervisor. Let him pay the supervision fee and set it up himself. Like you said, he knows what to do if he wants visitation.
I had no contact with the bio-father. The supervisor handled setup of visits and contacted me to confirm drop off and pick up time from the park. This worked really well.
At a certain point it was clear that my kids' bio-father would not/could not get it together enough to schedule these visits or show up for them, and the courts made the decision to remove parental rights and terminate foster care (and start the adoption process with us). At that point, we scheduled a supervised "Goodbye Visit." At this visit, the social worker guided the children and their dad in saying a final goodbye to each other. It was tough on everyone, but it provided the children with some closure. They were 9 and 10 at the time.
I had no contact with the bio-father. The supervisor handled setup of visits and contacted me to confirm drop off and pick up time from the park. This worked really well.
At a certain point it was clear that my kids' bio-father would not/could not get it together enough to schedule these visits or show up for them, and the courts made the decision to remove parental rights and terminate foster care (and start the adoption process with us). At that point, we scheduled a supervised "Goodbye Visit." At this visit, the social worker guided the children and their dad in saying a final goodbye to each other. It was tough on everyone, but it provided the children with some closure. They were 9 and 10 at the time.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Hi, WorkInProgress8.
It's constantly a struggle for me. When I first left AXH, I did all the work: calling AXH asking when he was going to see our son, dropping DS off, picking him up for what basically amounted to play dates with AXH's friends' kids. I was pretty stupid about it, too; I ended up picking DS up from AXH's friend's apartment, found all of the adults inside 'lounging' on the sofa and floor, and all of the kids, the youngest being 3, the oldest 10, running wild through the area. Right next to an insanely busy highway and the main access road to the surrounding neighborhoods. I told AXH that won't happen again, he told me it wouldn't, "I'll make sure every one is not drinking." (They weren't drinking. I don't know what they were doing, but...). I believed him. I shouldn't have. The next couple times I dropped DS off, I was met at the road with DS and steered away from the apartment. My attorney told me not to bring it up in court during the divorce / custody hearing, because I took DS back to that house after seeing that. So apparently, I was really dumb; I agree. Not any more, though.
My point with that story is: trust your instincts and don't let him or any of this family or friends convince you that the supervised requirement is unnecessary if you believe there is cause for it.
In our case, the court ordered that AXH's visits with DS be supervised.
Now that AXH's GF has kicked him out, we're back to him not seeing DS again. He's back to making promises to DS and breaking them; setting plans and no-showing or cancelling. It's been 6 weeks since he's seen DS. He has the phone number, it hasn't changed since before I left him. He knows that I have caller ID and had always handed the phone directly to DS when I see his number come up. He does not call DS. Or rather, has only called DS 2 times in the past couple years, all in the past couple weeks while he plays the "I can't see DS because I'm working because TU is making me pay child support" card.
My view (when I remember to *breathe* and calm down about it) is: AXH's relationship with DS is his responsibility. Not mine. If he can't make time to see DS, that's his fault. (No matter what cards he tries to play.) It's his actions that required supervised visits, so I don't need to feel bad about that requirement. I do not have to try to generate a relationship between AXH and DS. AXH does. I do have to accommodate it, within the bounds of the court ruling, but it's not my job.
DS is my responsibility. His father's inconsistencies and negative behavior affect him, yes. It's my job to give DS all the stability I can. It's my job and my joy to show him that he is lovable and worth spending time with and that he is AMAZING, and that it's, therefore, not his fault that the visits don't happen.
It's constantly a struggle for me. When I first left AXH, I did all the work: calling AXH asking when he was going to see our son, dropping DS off, picking him up for what basically amounted to play dates with AXH's friends' kids. I was pretty stupid about it, too; I ended up picking DS up from AXH's friend's apartment, found all of the adults inside 'lounging' on the sofa and floor, and all of the kids, the youngest being 3, the oldest 10, running wild through the area. Right next to an insanely busy highway and the main access road to the surrounding neighborhoods. I told AXH that won't happen again, he told me it wouldn't, "I'll make sure every one is not drinking." (They weren't drinking. I don't know what they were doing, but...). I believed him. I shouldn't have. The next couple times I dropped DS off, I was met at the road with DS and steered away from the apartment. My attorney told me not to bring it up in court during the divorce / custody hearing, because I took DS back to that house after seeing that. So apparently, I was really dumb; I agree. Not any more, though.
My point with that story is: trust your instincts and don't let him or any of this family or friends convince you that the supervised requirement is unnecessary if you believe there is cause for it.
In our case, the court ordered that AXH's visits with DS be supervised.
Now that AXH's GF has kicked him out, we're back to him not seeing DS again. He's back to making promises to DS and breaking them; setting plans and no-showing or cancelling. It's been 6 weeks since he's seen DS. He has the phone number, it hasn't changed since before I left him. He knows that I have caller ID and had always handed the phone directly to DS when I see his number come up. He does not call DS. Or rather, has only called DS 2 times in the past couple years, all in the past couple weeks while he plays the "I can't see DS because I'm working because TU is making me pay child support" card.
My view (when I remember to *breathe* and calm down about it) is: AXH's relationship with DS is his responsibility. Not mine. If he can't make time to see DS, that's his fault. (No matter what cards he tries to play.) It's his actions that required supervised visits, so I don't need to feel bad about that requirement. I do not have to try to generate a relationship between AXH and DS. AXH does. I do have to accommodate it, within the bounds of the court ruling, but it's not my job.
DS is my responsibility. His father's inconsistencies and negative behavior affect him, yes. It's my job to give DS all the stability I can. It's my job and my joy to show him that he is lovable and worth spending time with and that he is AMAZING, and that it's, therefore, not his fault that the visits don't happen.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Tx
Posts: 117
That is so incredibly sad but also sounds like it was best for the kids! I wasnt even thinking about a paid supervisor bc id rather be there to keep an eye on things, even though im disgusted by the sight of my XABF & but instead setting up a list of scheduled times for visitations & requiring my A to bring things our son needs each time we meet up i.e. diapers wipes juice etc.the guilt i feel bc my son misses him hurts me & I know i could easily call & set things up with him but its not my responsibility.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
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Workinprogress, the good thing about the paid supervisor is that this is what she does for a living, so she knew how to spot the BS with the alcoholic dad and how to handle it effectively. She provided notes from the visits as well, so I knew what was going on. She supervised conversation, ie, conversations were kept focused on present time, but not past or future. Nothing that was confusing to the kids (ie "next year I'll take you to Disneyland!"). She was very skilled. She also knew enough to spot signs of intoxication in the dad, and documented all this. The ultimate decision to stop visits was in part due to her diligent observation. My kids really enjoyed her and still talk about her fondly, 9 years later. In fact, my 17 year old daughter is considering going into the field of child social services in part due to her connection with this supervisor.
There is a facility in our county that does nothing but provide rooms and paid supervisors for supervised visits for foster kids and kids in private custody arrangements. My guess is there's something like that in your area as well. Put the ball in HIS court, but be prepared to have visits stop forever. If your son is still in diapers, he's young enough that he will eventually forget about this man altogether, which is a bit of a blessing.
There is a facility in our county that does nothing but provide rooms and paid supervisors for supervised visits for foster kids and kids in private custody arrangements. My guess is there's something like that in your area as well. Put the ball in HIS court, but be prepared to have visits stop forever. If your son is still in diapers, he's young enough that he will eventually forget about this man altogether, which is a bit of a blessing.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Tx
Posts: 117
Exactly! He knows how to contact me, knows where i live, could call me from a different # since his is blocked but he hasnt! Im just tired of feeling like i should be doing more in this situation bc i love my son somuch &i dont want him hurting but like everyone here has basically said, including mysrlf, its not my responsibility to get them together. Its my XABF.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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though im disgusted by the sight of my XABF
the guilt i feel bc my son misses him hurts me
SoaringSpirits is right on about putting the ball in his court. It is not your responsibility to tend to his relationship with his son, and soon enough your ex will show his true colors. He will show up intoxicated, or not show up at all.
Please do whatever you can not to expose your son to your bad feelings about his dad.
Yes, he is still in diapers, but he knows when mommy is mad.
Consider also, how much easier it will be to get better yourself by limiting all contact with him. The paid supervisor would actually speed this up I think.
Just my opinion from what I experienced myself, and with my own children.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Tx
Posts: 117
Definitely agree & will continue to let the ball stay in his court! &i dont expose my feelings about my XABF to my son, which i have been guilty of doing in the past. I let him know his "daddy" has problems but loves him very much & have left it at that. Ill have to think more on the paid supervisor & do some research but thank yall so much! Its reaasuring to come here
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Let him know he can contact you at work to set up visits, and pack what is needed for the visits for your son's sake. I know you want him to be responsible for these things, but he's an alcoholic. He doesn't have it together. You DO have it together. So do the right thing for your son and you can feel content that you at least are doing the right thing.
Avoid any personal discussions with your ex, and focus on the fact that you are doing the best for your little boy.
Avoid any personal discussions with your ex, and focus on the fact that you are doing the best for your little boy.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
A good reason to have him contact you only at work is that if he starts getting into personal discussions with you that don't involve your son, you can always cut it short by saying, "I've got another call, got to go" or "I have to talk to my coworker, can't talk".
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