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Third time getting sober

Old 05-22-2012, 07:50 AM
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Third time getting sober

Hello everyone,
This is my third attempt over the last 6 years to get off of alcohol. A story in the big book says something to the effect of " Trying to be a orange when your a apple". That about sums up my whole life. Nothing drastically happened for me to come to this place. I heard a voice that asked the question and stated "Your a alcoholic. Why are you doing this?"
I have spent years in therapy, gained 8 months of sobriety on my own, a stint in rehab and a week shy of a year in AA. Right before my 1 year mark I was feeling like I really needed to DRINK. I didnt call anyone from AA for help. I thought "Im not a alcoholic. I can control this!" So.....I started drinking and things quickly progressed to "out of control" in a matter of months.
There is a huge amount of shame that a alcoholic will feel after a night of beligerant behavior. The fights with the husband, the conversations that are not clear, the violent episodes, the puking, not being able to get out of bed, telling yourself you will never drink again, holding a bottle of wine and telling yourself you'll only drink half, saying your not drunk, driving while drunk, passing out....mixing with pills... Jesus, the list goes on and on. I can't control this.
I feel ashamed. I feel robbed. I have felt all of this before. I have felt these emotions of shame, of embarrassment, of complete despair so many times and it never really sunk in that what I am doing is not working, or if it did sink in, it quickly left and I was back to doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
I walked from AA because I got bored. I didnt know how to live without alcohol after a period of time. I let my head get in the way. So, I got off the train of sobriety and have been miserable ever since.
Now, my husband and i have both attempted sobriety and we have both gone back to drinking with a vengeance. I told him last week that i was going to AA and he stated " I am not willing to do that". He didnt support the decision at that time. He needs to think about how he is going to support me now. Its not like I dont understand the alcoholic mind and not wanting to give up alcohol. I'm not asking him to quit. Im not saying he's a alcoholic. I am saying that this is about me....I want to be sober. I want to feel good. I want to live free of this.
I went to 2 AA meetings yesterday and am excited to go today. One day at a time.... ( forgive the grammar)
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Old 05-22-2012, 07:55 AM
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Welcome patrisha...I'm curious if you did the 12 steps with a sponsor when you were in AA before?...That is the program of recovery. I'm glad you are here.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:03 AM
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Hello...
Yes, i did do the 12 steps. Im currently working on step 2 atm.....
Ive got to get a sponsor...
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:04 AM
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Sponsor and step work are the key to freedom my friend.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by patrisha View Post
Hello...
Yes, i did do the 12 steps. Im currently working on step 2 atm.....
Ive got to get a sponsor...
I wish you the best with that...Those steps saved my life. Just remember you are doing this for you....And no matter what anybody else says or does,,,,That can't be put in front of your sobriety. Use the support in AA and the support here....I'd love to see you change your life....Start living...For a change.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:18 AM
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@ sapling
Yes, I would love to see my life change as well. I am really sick of being sick. Im sick of myself and I am willing and ready to change. I felt a huge relief yesterday when I walked into the AA meeting. I felt like a weight had lifted and I could finally breath. And, there were the faces that i recognized, "Welcome back", they said.
I have been here before though and that is what is scary. There is something that didnt take place with the steps last time. ..... I didn't use them. I went through them with everything that i had and then willingly forgot about them. Why?... I deduce this to the disease and my willingness. Im responsible for this and I am fully aware of the cunning, baffling powerful nature of Alcohol.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:27 AM
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Indeed Welcome Back

Third times a charm. Congrats on getting back home with a sponsor and working the steps again.

Good love, Inda
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by patrisha View Post
@ sapling
Yes, I would love to see my life change as well. I am really sick of being sick. Im sick of myself and I am willing and ready to change. I felt a huge relief yesterday when I walked into the AA meeting. I felt like a weight had lifted and I could finally breath. And, there were the faces that i recognized, "Welcome back", they said.
I have been here before though and that is what is scary. There is something that didnt take place with the steps last time. ..... I didn't use them. I went through them with everything that i had and then willingly forgot about them. Why?... I deduce this to the disease and my willingness. Im responsible for this and I am fully aware of the cunning, baffling powerful nature of Alcohol.
Maybe you are different this time....Maybe you have more willingness...That and complete honesty...Is all you need. Give it all you got...That's what worked for me. Alcohol took everthing I had...I had no choice but to be willing...I was beaten and had the gift of desperation...That was the gift I needed.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:07 AM
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@ inda. I will be seeking out a sponsor today. Thank you for welcoming me home. There is something in those words that ring true for me

@ sapling
I want to believe that something is different this time. I want to see that i can change and that my life doesn't have to be a merry go round of insanity. I do not trust myself yet. I really need to work on the relationship that i have with god and the relationship that i "think" I have with myself.
I have prayed for this for a long time. I realized that i had to admit that i was powerless and that i give up. I seriously give up. Alcohol will always be way more powerful than I am. There is no way around it.
Ask and you shall receive.
I too, am beaten by this.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:11 AM
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I think you'll do well...I don't know...I can just feel it.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by patrisha View Post
I went to 2 AA meetings yesterday and am excited to go today. One day at a time.... ( forgive the grammar)
Meetings are great...... but don't get into that mindset that "going to meetings" = "doing AA."

DOING AA = working the steps (especially the 12th step). Meetings are just where we go to talk about how we're working the steps...... (well, the better meetings are like that ).

Seems like you're heart is in the right place and it seems like you know you can do this sobriety deal.......get sober......even get a wonderful life.....with OR without his support. Good for you! IMO, you're on the right track.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by patrisha View Post
I have been here before though and that is what is scary. There is something that didnt take place with the steps last time. ..... I didn't use them. I went through them with everything that i had and then willingly forgot about them. Why?... I deduce this to the disease and my willingness. Im responsible for this and I am fully aware of the cunning, baffling powerful nature of Alcohol.
I think she understands that part DT.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:34 AM
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thanks for clearing up what you think someone thinks...... I think.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:43 AM
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Welcome patrisha!

This is my third (and final!) round of getting sober, too..... I had built up 3-4 years of sobriety both times (went to treatment, did 90 in 90, the steps, etc.). I'd be all gung-ho for the first couple years and then drift away and eventually think I could safely have a drink.

It's amazing how hard it was to stop once I got into the rut again, even with all the knowledge and tools I had from the past. Coming here two years ago helped turned me around and gave me something I could use anytime, night or day, every day. I haven't had a drink since. I think you'll find the support here really great, too ....... Congratulations on your decision - things really will get better!:ghug3
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:56 AM
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@ DayTrader
I agree. Going to meetings does not equate to working the steps. Going to meetings will help me to be around people who are sober and will get me into working this program with a sponsor.
My heart is in the right place. I thank you for recognizing that.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by artsoul View Post
I had built up 3-4 years of sobriety both times.

It's amazing how hard it was to stop once I got into the rut again, even with all the knowledge and tools I had from the past.

Coming here two years ago helped turned me around and gave me something I could use
Nicely said!

I shudder at the thought of ever trying to stop again. Mostly, I don't think I'd ever try to get sober again if I went back out. I'd probably ride it down and finish the job this time.

Thanks also for the reminder......what works for 3yrs (or weeks, or any time-frame, really), may not be enough for that 4th year - and so on. I've found the same to be true but we do tend to forget.
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Old 05-22-2012, 10:39 AM
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@ artsoul
I remember hearing all of the horror stories with people who went back out and then found sobriety again. I remember thinking to myself that I was not going to be that person. I was not going to be the sober one that became intoxicated!! I thought that i would adhere to a program for the rest of my life. I thought all kinds of great wonderful things. Then, one day, I thought differently.
Isn't there something about keeping your head out of it? Or not letting your head get in the way??
It all boils down to the fact that I, Patrisha am a Alcoholic. I will always be a alcoholic. I can either get a daily reprieve or I can live in a hell that i created. I am not willing to look back on my life and see that I never fought for anything. I am worth fighting for.
Artsoul there is hope for us all. Thank you.
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Old 05-22-2012, 02:43 PM
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Welcome to SR Patrisha

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Old 05-22-2012, 03:29 PM
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Welcome to the family! :ghug3
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