Vicious cycle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
Vicious cycle
Well, I've been lurking on the forums for a few days now, although I first found it a couple of weeks ao, mustered up the courage to attend an al-anon meeting, and there was nobody there. My story won't be unlike all the rest, but maybe I just need some encourage,want of my own to make the leap.
My ABF and I met a year ago, at a bar. I have been a binge drinker since college, over a decade ago, and had just come back from a vacation, so of course I was in party mode. We spent many months meeting for drinks after work, but I started to worry when he would show up drunk at my house, questioning how I felt about him and seeking reassurance. Naturally, I ignored the (huge) red flags, and let him and his 6 yo daughter move in las October. In my silly mind, I thought that this form of reassurance would curb the drinking. By Christmas, I had blacked out one too many times and decided to stop. Whether it's the new meds I'm on, or the grace of God, I've been pretty responsible with my drinking (please do NOT insert "moderation" criticism here. Something IS working for me). Unfortunately, despite many promises to cut back, my ABF has been unable to do the same. More than once, I've come home to find him passed out, knowing that he picked his daughter up from daycare.
With a new job that I hate, and never knowing if I'm going to come home to a happy or verbally abusive drunk, it's taken it's emotional toll. I've binged 3x in the last 6 weeks and screamed at him to move out. He always blows it off the next day, and refuses to talk about last Wednesday, when i actually punched him. I'm appalled at my own behavior, but somehow let my personality "flaws" (depression, binge drinking) justify his behavior. I divorced a marijuana addict 2 years ago, so I know part of it is being afraid to fail again, but I also know I can't let him drag me down with him. Because he CAN go several days without drinking, it's hard for me to remember how bad it can be.
My ABF and I met a year ago, at a bar. I have been a binge drinker since college, over a decade ago, and had just come back from a vacation, so of course I was in party mode. We spent many months meeting for drinks after work, but I started to worry when he would show up drunk at my house, questioning how I felt about him and seeking reassurance. Naturally, I ignored the (huge) red flags, and let him and his 6 yo daughter move in las October. In my silly mind, I thought that this form of reassurance would curb the drinking. By Christmas, I had blacked out one too many times and decided to stop. Whether it's the new meds I'm on, or the grace of God, I've been pretty responsible with my drinking (please do NOT insert "moderation" criticism here. Something IS working for me). Unfortunately, despite many promises to cut back, my ABF has been unable to do the same. More than once, I've come home to find him passed out, knowing that he picked his daughter up from daycare.
With a new job that I hate, and never knowing if I'm going to come home to a happy or verbally abusive drunk, it's taken it's emotional toll. I've binged 3x in the last 6 weeks and screamed at him to move out. He always blows it off the next day, and refuses to talk about last Wednesday, when i actually punched him. I'm appalled at my own behavior, but somehow let my personality "flaws" (depression, binge drinking) justify his behavior. I divorced a marijuana addict 2 years ago, so I know part of it is being afraid to fail again, but I also know I can't let him drag me down with him. Because he CAN go several days without drinking, it's hard for me to remember how bad it can be.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 9
I can't relate to all of your situation, but I have been in relationships with two substance abusers, one a drug user the other an alcoholic, both of whom tried to hit me and the first of whom I like you punched in the face in retaliation... and even if I was retaliating because I felt in danger it is still one of the biggest regrets of my life. I just left my current bf for trying to hit me before we had a chance to get into a full blown fist fight., I couldn't stand the idea of history repeating itself.
The main thing I learned (and am still trying to stick with, its a steep learning curve) is that you want to be with someone who makes you want to be a BETTER person... not someone who brings out the worst in you. And it seems like your current situation is bringing out the worst in you not encouraging you to take care of yourself.
The main thing I learned (and am still trying to stick with, its a steep learning curve) is that you want to be with someone who makes you want to be a BETTER person... not someone who brings out the worst in you. And it seems like your current situation is bringing out the worst in you not encouraging you to take care of yourself.
Welcome to SR.
What "leap" is it you want to make? That part of your post is unclear.
Your own blackouts and binges indicate you might yourself have the disease of alcoholism, and if that is so, it will affect every aspect of your life, and profoundly affect your intimate relationships. Until your disease is treated in a way that addresses not just the physical problems of binging and blackouts but the emotional and spiritual effects of alcoholism, it is likely any relationship you have with anyone will suffer, whether that person is sober or not. Alcoholism prevents healthy relationship.
I'm sorry no one was at the Al-Anon meeting. It took courage for you to go. I hope there are others in your town.
If you are suffering both from addiction and from codependency, the addiction will need your more immediate attention, as it is more dangerous to you. Have you considered the SR forum for those who wish to stop drinking? Or AA? Support means a lot.
Your current relationship is toxic to you and will interfere with your own attempts to get well, whatever those are, and I doubt anyone here will offer much hope of things improving in your life if you stay in that relationship. So I hope you will find that same courage you had when you went seeking help at Al-Anon, and seek help for your problems with drinking, and the emotional and spiritual pain those cause. You are worthy of a healthy life, a loving and safe relationship, and restored self-esteem. We all are striving for that goal, and welcome you here as you find your way. You sound ready to change your life.
What "leap" is it you want to make? That part of your post is unclear.
Your own blackouts and binges indicate you might yourself have the disease of alcoholism, and if that is so, it will affect every aspect of your life, and profoundly affect your intimate relationships. Until your disease is treated in a way that addresses not just the physical problems of binging and blackouts but the emotional and spiritual effects of alcoholism, it is likely any relationship you have with anyone will suffer, whether that person is sober or not. Alcoholism prevents healthy relationship.
I'm sorry no one was at the Al-Anon meeting. It took courage for you to go. I hope there are others in your town.
If you are suffering both from addiction and from codependency, the addiction will need your more immediate attention, as it is more dangerous to you. Have you considered the SR forum for those who wish to stop drinking? Or AA? Support means a lot.
Your current relationship is toxic to you and will interfere with your own attempts to get well, whatever those are, and I doubt anyone here will offer much hope of things improving in your life if you stay in that relationship. So I hope you will find that same courage you had when you went seeking help at Al-Anon, and seek help for your problems with drinking, and the emotional and spiritual pain those cause. You are worthy of a healthy life, a loving and safe relationship, and restored self-esteem. We all are striving for that goal, and welcome you here as you find your way. You sound ready to change your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
English, I meant ending the relationship. I'm glad to report that I'm very close to getting a job offer in a new city (where I'm originally from and still have friends and family), and that prompted me to help break up with hm today. Last night's barrage of verbal abuse was enough. I'm on a business trip, so it helps to have some distance as well.
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