If he was physically dead......

Old 05-21-2012, 07:48 PM
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If he was physically dead......

As I sit and talk to my AH, I am NOW seeing what I tried so hard to deny. He is not the same person. The man I married is gone, he is demon possessed by addiction. He is trying hard to manipulate me, even going to NA meetings. My mind knows better although my heart still wants to hold on to hope. But my mind has become stronger and can not deny reality any longer. This is causing me to physically and emotionally sick. My mind and heart are in conflict but my mind is winning.

I always believed my husband would support me financially, I believed he owed me that much as I have given him all I had. I wanted him to support me while I tried to get stronger so honestly I have not worked hard on my recovery. I fooled myself into thinking I had time. I was still hoping! I still wanted to wake up from this night mare.

When I am around him, I become physically anxious now. I know he looks and sounds like the man I loved, but he is not. I still want to tell him what I KNOW! I know he gone and for some stupid reason, I want to share this my awareness with him but nothing I say is going to make a difference. I am powerless.

His money will go to him, his addiction, his golf, his gambling, his survival. I will get the crumbs if I am lucky and it will not be enough to survive. I am forced to make the changes I have dreaded.

Will I be able to make it on my own, what will I do, where do I start, how do I clean out this house myself, will I succeed in working full time again (its been a long time) and what will happen to my precious dogs.

The depression, fear, pain and unknown have been paralyzing. I feel like I have no one and feel so all alone.

Then I thought, what if he did die, what would I do then? I would be forced to help myself. I really don't know how to stop communication with him but I know I have to and I know I have to accept what is now the truth.

I can no longer dabble with MY recovery. I must make the commitment. I am at my bottom. He plans on coming home because I was too afraid to be on my own. I think the whole thing with my son would have stopped that anyway but I can not allow my husband in my life any longer. It is making me crazy. He is not the same and I do not like or trust this person so why would I let him life???

I convinced myself he wouldn't steal from me because he has enough money to support his habit. But in time, that will change. And in reality he has already stolen so much me from. Why did I deny that??

I am so scared.....but I want to cross the bridge so many here have. I am going to do for myself what I would do for him. I am going to let go. Its best for both of us.
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:58 PM
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LMN, I was sitting here thinking almost the exact same things when I found your post.

I am trying to figure out how now..
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Old 05-21-2012, 09:19 PM
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I think we should all work on this together.....because I am in the same boat.

Maybe share ideas of what you do if you haven't worked for a long time? That is not my situation.

Maybe share ideas of how you get the freeloader to move out on his own....that would be my situation. I've asked him to move out....he says no.
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Old 05-21-2012, 10:42 PM
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Ok...when we leave ourselves total dependent on someone for our emotional fixes, cash, future, etc... We set ourselves up for disappointment. People can only do the best they can at the time with the knowledge they have.....we could trust a non addict and be married to them for ten years happily and the something happens.

We need to trust ourselves...I bet it's scary. I depended on my XAB for happiness, a great future, a filling of my large love hole....it didn't work I tried for 2.5 years.

You can work..in fact it sounds sucky but it can actually be stimulating, fun, interesting, new friends, learn new things, oh and that fun green stuff :-)
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Old 05-22-2012, 07:23 AM
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In my case I have had AH move out my only income is Social Security which is a whopping total of $700.00 a month. Do not misunderstand I am glad I have some income and aware many have none. I have begged my doctor to release me and let me go back to work he says no. AH paid 1/2 of the rent when he was here which was a huge help yet not worth losing my sanity with the constant chaos of waiting up seeing if he is coming home, calling hospitals when he didn't etc...


I have no clue if I can maintain where I am without his small contribution I will find out next month. I am under a lease for 6 more months silly me I only wanted to resign for 6 but he talked me into signing for a year due to some rental changes seems that go with your gut is right.
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Old 05-22-2012, 10:10 AM
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Can you get a roommate Crazybabie?
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:12 PM
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I just left my AH, it's been so hard. I am commuting 2.5 hours to work 2 times a week until I can find some sort of work in the small town I have moved to (with my mom). I have daily contact with my AH, so he will be very shocked when he gets served with divorce papers and an exparte deeming me sole custody of our son (until further notice). Of course he is telling me that this time is different. Even his arms are healing, an that he is done with the drugs. Well I have heard all this to many times, and he won't consider NA or rehab. Anyhow point being- we can do this, we are all strong. I haven't read books or been to meetings (which I'm sure would help). But prayer goes a long way. I have also made a point to stop every time I start thinking with my heart, and let my brain take the lead this time. Maybe that will help you ladies. But you are not alone.
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:56 PM
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I left my husband a year ago on May 25th, 2011. I know exactly how each of you feels. The financial aspect of everything is what kept me in a rotten situation for sooooooo long. I've never worked harder at making something work so it was very difficult for me to finally let go.

I've recently summed it up this way......staying with him would have killed me for sure (slowly if nothing else). Leaving him almost destroyed me but it at least gave me a chance. I relied on the experiences of other people that had walked in my shoes. So many people came forth last year to encourage me when I was at the same place of finally being ready to leave.

There is a better place but you only get there by beginning to move one day at a time.

I know what it is like to fear financial ruin, aging alone, and an unsure future. I was so afraid that I was finally going to leave and then return (once again to him). There were many times over the last year when I almost faltered and considered that. I truly understand what white knuckling really means now.

And.....I'm really glad that I've done what I've done and not returned. I really didn't anticipate the twists and turns of the last year but by hanging tight to my recovery principles I've made it. I've totally downsized and am adjusting to a whole different type of life. One without the chaos, pain, and drama of my ex. He continues to email/text to tell me how much he misses me and loves me but I see that for what it is...an illusion that would only sweep me back into the nightmare of a life with him. I was so unhappy with him and so lonely.

I finally had a "come to Jesus" meeting with myself last fall....I had left, was committed to staying gone, but paralyzed by financial fears. I finally sat down and truly figured out what my retirement income was going to be (or lack of income...ha ha). Once I got that number I decided to get to where I could start to live on that amount right now. It took about 6 months for me to sell everything that I needed to sell (furniture, the house, etc.) and get to that point. Now, anything I make above that point can go straight into savings. The burden that is off my heart is huge. I am living within the means that I can provide for myself -now and in the future. Now I know that nothing is worth selling my soul for. I wake up in the morning and look out my window and see the sunshine and the trees. It's so different than waking up and knowing that my day is going to be full of pain and no telling what else involving my ex. I've had to embrace loneliness, regrets, and sorrow - but have found that creating relationships with other people that are struggling is so very helpful. None of us is alone unless we chose to be. I know that I need friends and there are other people out there just like me.

I can't tell you that it's easy but I can tell you that it's worth it. Living with someone that is in active addiction is traumatic and makes it hard to function and see the way out. Although my ex husband was sober he was not in recovery. I thought that him getting sober would be the answer but it wasn't. All of the "isms" really were still there and it was horrible living with him. Without his substances he began to use anger as his drug. So, to me, sobriety was worse in some ways than his active addiction.

Through my own recovery work I found brief moments of serenity...and once I tasted that I wanted more. I think that is how I finally found the strength to leave and stay gone. There were times over the last year where I felt numb and like life was bland....I think it was my nervous system detoxing from all of the strife and abuse. My detox and recovery from my ex seemed very similar to what I've heard addicts in recovery say about their first year of sobriety.

I definitely know how hard it is leave but I also know how hard it is to stay.
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Old 05-23-2012, 02:23 PM
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Thanks Lightseeker for sharing your story, very encouraging.
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Old 05-23-2012, 04:40 PM
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Thank you light seeker. It's only been a week and a half since we went our separate ways for good. The struggle with myself more than I ever thought I could endure. It is so nice to hear that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Also you sharing about how he is sober but not in recovery really hot home for me, my AH apparently has not been using, but will it get any sort of treatment. That alone I feel speaks volumes. This forum has been so eye opening and supportive and honest! There is life out there, we just have to find it
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Old 05-23-2012, 06:33 PM
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it really helped me to know that there was a place I could come for support as I struggled with leaving that relationship. I was much sadder than I expected to be and it was the closest I've ever come to really understanding what it must be like to be an addict. I had no idea how addicted I was to the drama/him/chaos. There was a huge amount of trauma bonding.

I second guessed my decision a whole lot but now see how much better off I am. I do hope that my story can help other people. I thought that we were one of the ones that had made it to the "other side" as he was sober. Not so much. He had had a 20 year history of crack addiction and was sober for 6 years.

Hang in there........it really is something that you just need to power through......
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Old 05-23-2012, 07:10 PM
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I'm full of doubts. Saturday AH is going to be coming to see our son at my moms, which is going to be hard- but I also will be serving him before he leaves..... I'm pretty torn up but it's what I have to do for now
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