hadenoug

Hi friends,

Two weekends ago my dh started drinking Thursday night. He drank through Friday (my birthday) and drove drunk at one point during that day he drank until late Friday night when he finally passed out. Saturday I told him I wanted to separate, I couldn't deal with his drinking anymore and I couldn't deal with his drunken actions.
He said he would get help. He cried and apologized.
This Saturday we were supposed to go out for our belated anniversary dinner. He call me Saturday afternoon and said that he would be drinking. I said that I would not be going then. I was proud of myself for sticking to my boundaries.
He came home drunk and downed bottles of valium and vicodin in front of me to get "back at me" for threatening him.
So I called 911 and sat in the hospital while they checked his liver all night and while they almost had to put him on a ventilator. He's okay -physically at least. He's very, very lucky. To say the least.
I'm so lost. I'm so angry. I'm so sad.
This was my best friend..how the hell did all this happen?
The sad part is that his mother is here visiting....she had to see all this too.
He's still in the hospital. Still blaming me saying that if I didn't fight with him it wouldn't have happened.
I don't know what will happen.

This disease sucks.

Pelican

Please know that you did not cause his downward spiral. He is in denial.

Sending you (((hugs))) and encouragement as you find your way through this crisis.

wicked

hadenough,

You did a great job sticking to your boundaries.
He is the one who chose to make a big production out of his tantrum,
his chose to poison himself, to scare you and his mother.
Yes, this disease sucks, but remember, he is choosing this life.
You can choose otherwise.
Please take care of yourself. Never take the blame for his actions.

Beth

:ghug3

Wascally Wabbit

My x was my best friend too. He was such a great guy till he had medical issues and got addicted. When I tried to get help from his psychologist sister, she blew me off! Well, it got worse of course and I left. I always wonder if his sister is still in denial. But, it's not my problem.

EnglishGarden

I was married to an alcoholic many years back and I remember those predictable cycles of out-of-control drinking, tears and remorse, a period of calm, then another bout of out-of-control drinking, and tears and remorse--or, as in your current situation--the alcoholic's bitterness and blame that something or someone outside himself caused him to drink.

Alcoholism is the loss of control. He has lost control of his drinking. He cannot control it, and certainly you will never ever be able to control it. Do not let him make you doubt that. Nothing you do makes any difference at all to his obsession of mind nor to his compulsion to drink. Those are the result of the wiring of his brain--damaged by the disease of addiction--and you have absolutely no influence over his brain disorder.

Nothing you do or say causes him to drink. Alcoholism causes him to drink. Nothing you do or say will control his drinking. His brain controls his drinking. And nothing you do or say will cure his drinking. There is no cure for alcoholism. It can be arrested through treatment and recovery, but not cured.

The social workers at the hospital will likely have some Al-Anon literature there. Ask. It can set you on your own path of recovery. And there may even be a weekly Al-Anon meeting right there in the hospital somewhere. Just ask.

Some alcoholics get sober and some do not and it is impossible to predict which direction your husband will go. But you can make a choice not to make his drinking comfortable for him. You can learn to set boundaries for yourself and for your sacred home life that do not make his drinking comfortable. Recovery for any addict very often begins first with recovery in the family.

I'm sorry for your pain and stress. It's good you reached out here and I hope you will continue your determination to recover from the family disease of alcoholism. You are worthy of health and serenity and dignity and love. He is as well. And each of you gets to choose which direction you will take today.

Hopeworks

I am so sorry you are going through this. There is nothing more hurtful that an alcoholic who threatens to harm themselves in order to manipulate others... especially their personal codependent.

My ESH to you is that you establish boundaries for yourself and your own well being and recovery. I did not do this for many years and instead sacrificed my own happiness obsessing on "saving" the A in my life. The result: failure. I crippled him because he was not forced to deal with his own alcholism and consequences.

During his last relapse (3 months in Vegas) he threatened suicide numerous times before I went no contact.

For me... my recovery hinged on my getting completely off the crazy train of addiction. A few days ago he actually traveled to another state and is now in a one year recovery program. A year ago I would have been posting like crazy how wonderful this is but I now know that this is part of his journey and it may or may not result in true recovery and lifetime of no alcohol.

Only you can decide what YOU need for you! Now would be a great time to find a therapist well versed in addiction and codependency. Find an alanon meeting and keep coming back to visit and tell us about your journey ... YOUR WAY OUT!

CeciliaV

Hi Hadenough - my husband is my best friend, too. But it's hard to be friends with someone who treats you like poo. It's scary that this experience isn't enough of a shocker for him to spur change. It's definitely not your fault, and kudos to you for sticking to your boundaries and for also getting him medical help when it was obviously needed. Sending you hugs and strength to get through this tough spot.

hadenoug

So he got out of the hospital today. He's now in an outpatient program starting Tuesday. So.....he stopped and got a case of beer on the way home. I can't believe I'm actually writing this.
sh*t this is f&cked up. Sorry. I just can't believe it.

So I'm getting my ducks in a row. I'm sad ...no heartbroken is the word. But this is no life. If he was will to do the work I'd be there, but he's not. So I'm not.

dollydo

You said in one of your previous posts "Nothing changes, if nothing changes" he is not going to change, it is up to you to make positive changes for you.

This has been going on for years, might be time to take off your rose colored glasses and accept the reality of the situation.

Take care

Spes

I'm so sorry you are having a bad time. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

hadenoug

I have accepted reality. There are no rose colored glasses here...they came off a while ago.

I just need to find some courage.

m1k3

This is true for all of us. No one ever knows what will happen next. But, in my case, I have choices.
I can choose to continue my life as it is or I can choose to change.

I can choose to accept my pain and move on or I can choose to dwell on it long after it is over and turn it into suffering.

I can choose to focus on my alcoholic or I can choose to focus on me.

I can choose to leave things the way they are or I can choose recovery.

Thing is with any of the choices I make I still don't know what's going to happen and that's OK. I have heard this said in Al-Anon, which I strongly recommend, "pain is to be expected, suffering is optional".


So for me, I chose to work on my recovery, focus on myself and give up on suffering.

I'm glad I did as my life has gotten so much better because of these choices.

Your friend,

MsPINKAcres

My friend, I just wanted to remind you ~ You already have lots of courage ~ you had courage to reach out for help here at SR
you had courage to realize YOU deserved a healthier life
you had courage to say "I'm not going out with you when are drinking'

You had the courage to realize your are worthy of more love, dignity, and self-respect and you have the courage to allow your loved one to find his self-respect and path to recovery too ~

You are one very courageous and brave person.

One Step at a time ~ together you & your HP will be ok, even better than OK!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Mizz

hadenoug, I hope that you are able to get a breather away from all of this chaos. You are not the cause of his behavior. This disease certainly affects everyone in the addicts life. I know that you said you need to find some courage. You already have courage.

NewbieJ

hadenoug - I am so sorry you are going through with this. When you asked "How did this happen?" that struck a cord with me. Just wanted to let you know that wherever you are, I could be thousands of miles away and I am wondering the same exact thing about my AH.

When did his drinking start? Mine's started quite a few years ago, though I don't think I truly saw it for what it was until recently, because he's very high-functioning at least at work.

Anyhow. Hugs to you and continue to take care of yourself. Please keep us updated and I also suggest Al Anon - it has saved me and so many others.

Carol Star

4 c's we didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it, but can contribute to it........4 m's don't mother, manipulate, be a martyr,or manage........we are not victims- we are volunteers.......pain is inevitable- misery is optional.........I would go on vacation and leave him there with his mother !

hadenoug

Thanks everyone for your support.

Last night when I got home he was still drunk. He went mental on me saying that I caused all of this. He told my daughter that we are splitting up.

I took the kids and left. We are staying at my dad's for now.

I hope this is the best for everyone. I pray he will get help and be happy. I am worried for his safety...that will never stop but I can stop what I do.
I'm trying.

Hopeworks

Hadenoug,

Seperation/divorce is the ultimate intervention and while you struggle with "worry" because you are not there to "helicopter" the situation with a fire extinquisher it is far healthier for YOU and your A!

I was a class A extremely efficient codie that my counselor actually defined once as having a borderline "messiah complex". I not only wanted to save my own A but actually was working on a program for my county to save the jail population along with the rest of the entire county.

I was REALLY good at manipulating my A and keeping him on the recovery trail... if only abstinence was the only thing we needed! But alcoholism and addiction are not just about the alcohol and the healing has to come from within and that usually only happens when they reach the bottom floor.

So... I spent 4 years making myself sick, sick, sick and blinding myself to reality... WORRYING he would die if I stopped... and all it got me is in a big mess and he is not any better. At times his liver would be better just from the abstinence and sometimes he would act a bit better because he was going through the motions and "acting the part"... but that man NEVER broke up with the alcohol!

He is in rehab after the 3 months he spent in Vegas but I ain't buying it this time. NO CONTACT. So... phone is blocked and he sends messages through others. I tell them no talk about XA! NO CONTACT!

He is in rehab because his body started vomiting up the booze immediately. He is in rehab because he is homeless (I kicked him out with the first drink)... but he still loves alcohol and glamorizes his Vegas time when he was in the penthouses and sliding his diamond card.

My ESH... the odds are not good for your A. You can increase the odds that he gets better by not doing what I did... staying sick and codie and enabling, helicoptering, letting him manipulate you.

You get better by no contact and he gets better without an enabler/victim...

The worry that is so crippling doesn't help...not one iota. Turn him over to his HP completely... and ask your HP to help you.

Hope this helps... I know it is rambling and long...but I know your pain but don't do as I did and spend years spinning your wheels hoping for a miracle and then doing things that unknowingly block the miracle from happening ... fight through it and find some mentors (counselors, alanon so it gets better faster!)