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Is this normal?

Old 05-21-2012, 03:48 PM
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Is this normal?

So here is my situation. I have six days sober (yay) and I am going to my first AA meeting tomorrow. When I was drinking, I did not drink every night. The intensity of my benders is what scared me. When I drank I got more and more belligerent. Last week I had a relapse that resulted in a big fight with my boyfriend. My bf and I are now ok - we both think I need to get back in the program.

About the boyfriend. I am in a long term relationship with someone I have been friends with/previously dated for 19 years. We recently started dating again, maybe 5-6 months ago. (When I filed for divorce.) He recently moved in. My bf has been clean for 6 years, but he still drinks occasionally. By occasionally I mean 2-3 beers a night, maybe 3 nights a week. When he goes out with friends, which is about every 2 weeks, he might have more.

I am not stating all of this to justify it - just wanted to provide context so you know the situation.

So anyway. My therapist is an addiction counselor. I told him about the fight my boyfriend and I had, and my therapist went off on me. He told me I should dump my bf because he still drinks and kick him out, otherwise I can never be sober. He seemed to blame this all on my bf, which isn't fair. My bf has never, ever pressured me to drink and he has been my strongest supporter for going into recovery.

????

I know this is true for many people in recovery - they can have no alcohol in the house and they don't associate with people who drink. I am not knocking that, I just don't think it is necessary for me. But I had 3 1/2 years before this, while married to a moderate drinker who kept beer in the house. I am not tempted by their beer. I know that sounds weird, but all of my binges were essentially premeditated and I would go out and buy wine or liquor of my own. I relapsed after my ex left and there was no beer in the house, ironically.

I guess I have a few questions. First, is it normal for a therapist to be so prescriptive? He was genuinely mad at me, and I thought that was weird.

Second, what are your thoughts on dating someone who drinks? My bf rarely drinks in excess, and he has cut down since I started recovery. Do I really have to dump someone I love and who has supported me in more ways than I can count just because he drinks on occasion?

I am confused! I mean, I want to do what is right, but this doesn't seem right to me.
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:07 PM
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I can't comment on what your therapist says....I know I had to quit for good...And I wasn't in a relationship....Because my drinking had ended that. So I didn't go look for someone that did. I did have to remove a lot of drinking "friends" from my life. For me...Early on I couldn't be around it...When you say you both think you need to get back in the program....We're you in AA before?
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:09 PM
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Yep, I was in AA before. That is how I was sober for so long before.
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:10 PM
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Hi and welcome CactusJill

I think the important thing here is what you think of your counsellors advice - & it sounds like you think they overstepped a line.

There are many posters here who live with drinkers - there are also posters who've left relationships where their partner was a drinker.

You'll have to work out which way works best for you.

For me, I'm no counsellor but I'd focus on you and what you're doing - what your bf does or doesn't do is his journey really.

You'll always find support here

D
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by CactusJill View Post
Yep, I was in AA before. That is how I was sober for so long before.
What did you stop doing?
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:19 PM
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I think ultimately, the decision needs to come from you. Can you live with someone who drinks and are you certain it won't affect your recovery? If so, then it should work.

Try to keep the focus on you and what you're doing for your recovery.
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:21 PM
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Thanks, Dee. That is how I feel too. His drinking is his business, as long as it doesn't interfere with my life of the kids. While I don't think it is a good idea for him to drink because of his past as an addict, I am not taking his inventory. I just don't think a few beers a week is a big deal for him. If it gets out of control... well... I'll know what to do, I guess.

My recovery is about me. While it impacts my family and friends, I have to want it for me. I don't think everyone is the same or has the same needs.

Well, I guess I will go to meetings and work my program.
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Sapling View Post
What did you stop doing?
I stopped going to meetings.... big mistake! Then I was able to start fooling myself into thinking I could handle it...
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by CactusJill View Post
I stopped going to meetings.... big mistake! Then I was able to start fooling myself into thinking I could handle it...
I guess you know what you have to do then....It worked before...It will work again. I like going to meetings...It gives me a chance to share with someone that is struggling.....I figure if I could commit to three or four hours of drinking a day(at least) for most of my life...I can handle an hour a day to help someone else...It also reminds me where I came from. Good luck with your BF...I hope it works out for you guys. Be sure and hang around here...Maybe you can help someone here....Maybe you already did.
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:34 PM
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Thanks, Sapling. I hope so. I like meetings too, and I hope to make some new friends. You are so right- one hour is not a big time commitment.
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:37 PM
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Best wishes for you...Keep trudging!!!
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:52 PM
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An ex-addict who drinks is not what I would call "clean" as alcohol is a class IV Narcotic. Different substance. My opinion. Someone playing with fire.....

Focus on you. Maybe you'll be able to move forward and stay stopped. Only time will tell. I know you can do it again! I side with the therapist. If you get a resentment, well, you know what to do with those, if you work the steps on it....

I wish you well!

Hugs, love, & peace,
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
An ex-addict who drinks is not what I would call "clean" as alcohol is a class IV Narcotic. Different substance. My opinion. Someone playing with fire.....

Focus on you. Maybe you'll be able to move forward and stay stopped. Only time will tell. I know you can do it again! I side with the therapist. If you get a resentment, well, you know what to do with those, if you work the steps on it....

I wish you well!

Hugs, love, & peace,
Thanks, Sugarbear! Hopefully it goes well. I will definitely proceed with caution, but I am not ready to give up on the relationship. When/if it is time to let go, I will. Letting go of relationships seems to be my specialty, but that is a whole separate problem! lol!
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:23 PM
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My situation is somewhat similar. I am in relationship with a "normal" drinker. He doesn't use alcohol daily, and he doesn't abuse it when he does. I too am a mean, belligerent drunk, at least towards him. We have been round and round on this issue over the last two years. He even quit drinking with me once for two months. I haven't had much success with AA, perhaps because I am not consistent enough. I felt like it was next to impossible to find a sponsor or connect with anyone outside of meetings. That is why I have turned here. Although, I do plan on trying AA again. Right now I am on day two... and its not as hard because its a weeknight (I tend to be a binger). However, I have to admit I know there is a bottle of wine in the cupboard and its calling my name. Part of me wants to throw it out and the other part can't imagine doing such a thing! I guess that's why I am an alcoholic.
Anyhow, CactusJill, I think you should follow your heart and keep doing "the next right thing"... Also, be wary of the lies us addicts are so great at telling ourselves.
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by MsAprilJ View Post
I haven't had much success with AA, perhaps because I am not consistent enough.
MsAprilJ...Maybe you can try doing a set amount of meetings...Do 30 meetings in 30 days...Or 90 in 90...It's a good way to meet people and you will find a sponsor if you look for one...It does work...You just have to put in the effort.
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:38 PM
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Thanks, I was thinking of doing the 90 in 90 but maybe I should start with 30 in 30. Its not a daunting. There are so many meetings to choose from, I guess its also a matter of finding one that is the right fit. I will give it another try.
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:42 PM
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Originally Posted by MsAprilJ View Post
Thanks, I was thinking of doing the 90 in 90 but maybe I should start with 30 in 30. Its not a daunting. There are so many meetings to choose from, I guess its also a matter of finding one that is the right fit. I will give it another try.
I'll be praying it works out for you....That never hurts.
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