Trouble at home
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1
Trouble at home
Hello all. I have spent a good portion of the morning reading threads and have picked up some good ideas. Thank you for that already. My story goes as such, I have an AW and two beautiful children (3 & 4/12). While she does not drink everyday, when she does drink it is bad. She is the daughter of a lifetime AF who has been RAF for a couple of years now. Her drinking began to intensify when we moved to a new city for a job opportunity for me (we have since moved back). I have had her in the car headed to the hospital but couldn't do it. I drink. I don't have any issues with it and no I am not in denial.
She is verbally abusive to me. We have been to marriage counselors, she has been to individual counseling. Things get better for a little while, but they inevitably return. Two weeks ago it came to a head, we had gone to some friends house and were on the way home, I stopped by her car so that she could roll the windows up. She left the door to my truck open, jumped in her car, and in one movement put the keys in the car, slammed it into drive and took off. Leaving me with the kids in the back of the car where I was trying to explain why Mommy just drove off and didn't stop when I yelled for her to. I refused to let her near the kids that night and told her that the drinking stops now. Other than when she was pregnant the longest she has gone without drinking is 22 days.
I am currently in grad school and she is very successful in her career. We have a lot going on in our lives, however, it is not an excuse to drink, especially the amounts that she drinks. There are nights when she calls me wanting to know when I am coming home from school, I can tell from her voice that she has been drinking and would rather go anywhere but home, but my kids are there and I go and take the abuse. She blames me for everything.
This past week we went on vacation with our extended family. It was a trip that had been planned for several months. I get a txt while I was at the golf course that read "I had to beers at lunch, don't be mad" I was furious. She claimed that because she was happy when she started drinking that it was not an issue. She was also planning a meeting with an old friend of hers for that night. I sent her there and took the kids, my MIL, my BIL, and my parents to dinner. She got home and was drunk and soon passed out. For the second part of the week we headed out of the country for a destination wedding. She had talked about not drinking and taking her xanax. Well, she ordered a bloody mary at the bar before we boarded the plane.
She has asked me to stop drinking to support her. I have done so on many occasions, but I have grown resentful because she just decides that she is going to start drinking again. When I get home and see her outside on the phone smoking I start looking in the trash cans to see what I am up against. It is a miserable existence. It seems now, that when she drinks she is out to prove to me that drink all she wants and that I am the problem. That I am mean to her. I probably am, but it is because I am fed up with it. We are constantly looking for new friends because ours just keep falling off the face of the earth. I want to leave and take the kids, however, where I live it is next to impossible for the father to get full custody of the kids and I cannot leave them there or not have them in my life every day. I don't know if I am typing this more to get it off of my chest or if I am crying out for help. I have never been one to put my business in the street and don't talk about this with any of my friends, well I have started doing it a little more here of late. Thanks for listening (reading).
She is verbally abusive to me. We have been to marriage counselors, she has been to individual counseling. Things get better for a little while, but they inevitably return. Two weeks ago it came to a head, we had gone to some friends house and were on the way home, I stopped by her car so that she could roll the windows up. She left the door to my truck open, jumped in her car, and in one movement put the keys in the car, slammed it into drive and took off. Leaving me with the kids in the back of the car where I was trying to explain why Mommy just drove off and didn't stop when I yelled for her to. I refused to let her near the kids that night and told her that the drinking stops now. Other than when she was pregnant the longest she has gone without drinking is 22 days.
I am currently in grad school and she is very successful in her career. We have a lot going on in our lives, however, it is not an excuse to drink, especially the amounts that she drinks. There are nights when she calls me wanting to know when I am coming home from school, I can tell from her voice that she has been drinking and would rather go anywhere but home, but my kids are there and I go and take the abuse. She blames me for everything.
This past week we went on vacation with our extended family. It was a trip that had been planned for several months. I get a txt while I was at the golf course that read "I had to beers at lunch, don't be mad" I was furious. She claimed that because she was happy when she started drinking that it was not an issue. She was also planning a meeting with an old friend of hers for that night. I sent her there and took the kids, my MIL, my BIL, and my parents to dinner. She got home and was drunk and soon passed out. For the second part of the week we headed out of the country for a destination wedding. She had talked about not drinking and taking her xanax. Well, she ordered a bloody mary at the bar before we boarded the plane.
She has asked me to stop drinking to support her. I have done so on many occasions, but I have grown resentful because she just decides that she is going to start drinking again. When I get home and see her outside on the phone smoking I start looking in the trash cans to see what I am up against. It is a miserable existence. It seems now, that when she drinks she is out to prove to me that drink all she wants and that I am the problem. That I am mean to her. I probably am, but it is because I am fed up with it. We are constantly looking for new friends because ours just keep falling off the face of the earth. I want to leave and take the kids, however, where I live it is next to impossible for the father to get full custody of the kids and I cannot leave them there or not have them in my life every day. I don't know if I am typing this more to get it off of my chest or if I am crying out for help. I have never been one to put my business in the street and don't talk about this with any of my friends, well I have started doing it a little more here of late. Thanks for listening (reading).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
Sounds like this is a matter that needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later. I am far from an expert, but it sounds like you both should go talk to a counselor together...air it out & see if you can both get on the same page on what you want to achieve at this point in your marriage. You have children & a lives involved--it is worth the effort for you BOTH to work something out. I feel for you--try & keep level headed about the situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
Hey BadRef
Welcome to the SR. you will get a lot of support here so just take the time to read the stickies and the other threads that are here. You will notice that there are not many men on this site, but the ladies here have a lot of great advice to glean. I have been married almost 29 years, the last 6-7 being a downward spiral as my AW's progression continues to take its toll. Hang in there brother. Just remember the 3 C's
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it.
That was by in large the most important thing I have learned. I am by nature a fixer. I tried to "fix" my wife, but have found that I have been and enabler and a Codie. So, through this site I am trying to fix myself.
grizz
Welcome to the SR. you will get a lot of support here so just take the time to read the stickies and the other threads that are here. You will notice that there are not many men on this site, but the ladies here have a lot of great advice to glean. I have been married almost 29 years, the last 6-7 being a downward spiral as my AW's progression continues to take its toll. Hang in there brother. Just remember the 3 C's
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it.
That was by in large the most important thing I have learned. I am by nature a fixer. I tried to "fix" my wife, but have found that I have been and enabler and a Codie. So, through this site I am trying to fix myself.
grizz
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You didnt cause it.
You cant control it.
You cant cure it.
Trying to manipulate her into sobriety won't help her get sober, but it *will* make you feel crazy.
If you're looking at leaving and filing for custody, start preparing your defense and documenting chaotic behavior now. If she can't stay sober longer than 22 days, and she drinks to excess on the regular, there is a great chance that the court will agree with you that the children are better off with the more stable parent. A lawyer can advise you better than any of us can -- quietly make an appointment and get a free consultation. You don't have to make a decision today, but eventually you'll have to make a decision to live with her chaos or to carve out a stable life for you and your children.
You cant control it.
You cant cure it.
Trying to manipulate her into sobriety won't help her get sober, but it *will* make you feel crazy.
If you're looking at leaving and filing for custody, start preparing your defense and documenting chaotic behavior now. If she can't stay sober longer than 22 days, and she drinks to excess on the regular, there is a great chance that the court will agree with you that the children are better off with the more stable parent. A lawyer can advise you better than any of us can -- quietly make an appointment and get a free consultation. You don't have to make a decision today, but eventually you'll have to make a decision to live with her chaos or to carve out a stable life for you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
BadRef, check out a book called "Under The Influence" by James Milam. It explains the physiological effects of alcohol and how alcoholism works. It is a really good start for you.
Keep reading here at SR, and see if you can find some local Al Anon meetings to attend. Your wife's drinking is affecting your kids tremendously and you will need to take steps to protect them. Start with educating yourself.
Keep reading here at SR, and see if you can find some local Al Anon meetings to attend. Your wife's drinking is affecting your kids tremendously and you will need to take steps to protect them. Start with educating yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Believe it or not, things haven't gotten bad yet. Alcoholism is progressive and you've dealt only with the tip of the iceberg. Her drinking is hers, and what you do and don't do relative to your own drinking is unrelated. She's just gaslighting which is normal behavior-- attack others to take the focus off of you.
Alanon is where you need to go to begin your journey, and to protect yourself so you can protect your children. I've been down your road, and I've seen the long term affects of alcoholism on my now 16 year old daughter.
Keep an open mind, try six Alanon meetings at least, and I truly believe you will find a way to improve your life. It likely won't be exactly what you want, but it will be better than it is today, and it will help protect your children.
You cannot "think" your way around alcoholism. It does not respond to logic, rationality, or anything else. It does not care how educated she is, or you either. It always ends in one of two ways, death or recovery, and there is damage done regardless. Only she can save herself, and only if she admits to herself, in the core of her being, that she is an alcoholic will it have a chance to happen (and even then there are no guarantees). Until then she's still on the slow road to hell and there's nothing you can do to stop it other than changing your own behavior, your own situation, and your own decision-making process.
What you can do is mitigate the damage by saving yourself. You know the truth, you know many things that don't work. You are in a hole. Stop digging.
Please continue to read here, and please go to Alanon.
Kindly,
Cyranoak
Alanon is where you need to go to begin your journey, and to protect yourself so you can protect your children. I've been down your road, and I've seen the long term affects of alcoholism on my now 16 year old daughter.
Keep an open mind, try six Alanon meetings at least, and I truly believe you will find a way to improve your life. It likely won't be exactly what you want, but it will be better than it is today, and it will help protect your children.
You cannot "think" your way around alcoholism. It does not respond to logic, rationality, or anything else. It does not care how educated she is, or you either. It always ends in one of two ways, death or recovery, and there is damage done regardless. Only she can save herself, and only if she admits to herself, in the core of her being, that she is an alcoholic will it have a chance to happen (and even then there are no guarantees). Until then she's still on the slow road to hell and there's nothing you can do to stop it other than changing your own behavior, your own situation, and your own decision-making process.
What you can do is mitigate the damage by saving yourself. You know the truth, you know many things that don't work. You are in a hole. Stop digging.
Please continue to read here, and please go to Alanon.
Kindly,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I have a friend, father of 4 children, who would not leave his AW but tried to just work around the drinking. He cooked the Christmas dinner while she stayed in bed all day (she also did not appear for the presents), he bathed the little ones, made the daily dinners, he was both father and mother and breadwinner and she mostly just drank. (You say your AW is successful but that might change one day and she might be home in her bathrobe all day long).
One night his AW went driving drunk with the young son in the car and they crashed, sending the child to the hospital. The child lived.
You would think this would be the bottom for my friend concerning his AW. But like you, he didn't want to risk losing full custody and thought he might, even with the evidence of her drinking.
So, after the crash, he traded in the old car for a Volvo. You know: crash-worthiness. For drunk mothers with children.
This is how CRAZY spouses of addicts become.
They are no longer married. He did finally divorce her one day. You know why? She had an affair.
The child to the emergency room was apparently "acceptable"--since he did not leave her butt in the dust after that-- but the affair was a dealbreaker. Again, this is how CRAZY spouses of addicts become.
I hope you will get a good lawyer, a good counselor, and a good video camera. Show people who she really is. She is a dangerous mother. That's who she is.
One night his AW went driving drunk with the young son in the car and they crashed, sending the child to the hospital. The child lived.
You would think this would be the bottom for my friend concerning his AW. But like you, he didn't want to risk losing full custody and thought he might, even with the evidence of her drinking.
So, after the crash, he traded in the old car for a Volvo. You know: crash-worthiness. For drunk mothers with children.
This is how CRAZY spouses of addicts become.
They are no longer married. He did finally divorce her one day. You know why? She had an affair.
The child to the emergency room was apparently "acceptable"--since he did not leave her butt in the dust after that-- but the affair was a dealbreaker. Again, this is how CRAZY spouses of addicts become.
I hope you will get a good lawyer, a good counselor, and a good video camera. Show people who she really is. She is a dangerous mother. That's who she is.
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