Sethus

Hello everyone.
I've been a month and a half sober, and while I acknowledge that it's been a positive step to take in my life, I have also noticed a severe change in the way I interact- or rather: avoid interacting with people.

Before getting off the alcohol my life was very social, I ran a social group at my university which involved putting on events and club-nights. It was hectic and much of my time was spent under the influence... I have vague memories of how I acted and the people I met.

A month and a half into sobriety and I'm finding it increasingly impossible to strike up conversations with people and cope in social situations. I end up avoiding people and completely unable to withstand socialising and opting to stay home instead.
Since my relationship breakup the thought of any romantic involvement with anyone makes me feel physically ill. I've lost a lot of confidence and push people away.
It feels ridiculous to describe these feelings in this way, as it seems so ridiculous to be feeling this way. I just feel like I'm losing my friends and that I've turned into this complete weirdo who can't cope with social interaction anymore, and it's really scaring me.

I hate the person I become when I'm drunk, yet I'm beginning to hate the person I am when I'm sober.

Can anyone relate to this in any way?

Thanks for listening.

sugarbear1

Yes. Are you working a program of recovery?

Dee74

For years my social life revolved around drinking. Remove the drink and I lost my social life. I spent a month or so sitting at home waiting for something to happen because that's what always happened before - open a bottle and 'something happened'....

I found I needed to make things happen now

I needed to change my ideas about what being social was...things like coffee bars,sports, going to the movies, walks, hobbies (especially shared hobbies - things you can do with others) never occurred to me before...

Doing something with a purpose helped me too - volunteering, for example, was a great use of my new free time

I also had to change a few of the people I hung around with, but I made new friends too

I don't believe there's any need to be a hermit Sethus - it's entirely possible to have fun and enjoy life sober...you just have to think outside the box a little in the beginning, I think

D

Sethus

Not as such. I've been spending more time at my mum's house away from the city when it gets too much.

DisplacedGRITS

You might consider joining a sober group like AA. Going to meetings helped me with my social anxiety and let me open up in a safe, sober place. Basically we have to relearn how to live. We've been walking with the crutch of alcohol for so long it's no wonder we've forgotten how to walk without it. Are you seeing a therapist? Talking it out with one may help as well. I find that i have to cloke myself in a kind of false self confidence when i first enter a social situation until i settle in and slowly let it drop away as i get comfortable. In the past, i would just come in with a mild buzz and keep that up until i was drunk and let that be the false confidence that simply never went away and never let the real me come out. It's a slow process and will take a lot of time, practice and patience but a sober groupe and some one on one therapy may give you the place you need to practice.

kellyrally

Yes I can completely relate to you. Much of my drinking stems from an anxiety issue in social situations. My friend told me this weekend to be kind to myself and give myself permission to be a hermit if that is what it takes to stay sober. I think she is right - give yourself a break and do what is best for you. Work on yourself and make yourself feel good and the rest will surely come.

hypochondriac

It's hard Seth, I can relate. But then I'd got to the point where I was having to isolate myself so I could drink as much as I wanted to. You're living in a situation where drinking is probably very acceptable. It's perfectly acceptable to isolate yourself until you feel stronger but I'd probably recommend using that time to figure out how to cope with the ups and downs that life throws at you so you don't slip back into drinking. Drinking isn't actually going to make you more sociable or give you more confidence...those thoughts are illusions. I'm sure there are lots of sober activities you'll be able to do at uni and they will help with these things more than drinking would. In the mean time don't be so hard on yourself...this doesn't have to be sorted all at once x

Anna

Congratulations on a month and a half sober! Good for you!

I, also, had to take some time to become comfortable with my new sober self. I was very tentative about striking up new friendships, but I was blessed to find a volunteer position which helped me so much and I met some wonderful people.

Stopping drinking is the beginning of recovery and then comes the hard part which involves making changes in your life. I will never be totally comfortable around people I don't know and I can accept that.

zorah

I am you Sethus. I have just over 30 days and feel like I never want to talk again as long as I live. I fake happiness so people will leave me alone. I don't feel functional in the most mundane situations. Phone calls scare me; I have to work out a script to make even routine calls to the phone company. I'm in a torment all the time and like you, I don't like this person in sobriety. what helps sometimes, though, is the idea of compassion for self. i learned this from some buddhist writings and it can get me through a bad patch. on some level, we have to accept our humanness, give ourselves a break, and be a little more kind when we're hurting. without self-compassion i don't think we can recover; at least i cannot.

Hope you feel better. :-)

Zorah

Stride34

Hi Sethus,

First--- congrats on the sober time, that's huge.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. You've just gotta try to relax and have a laugh man. First of all, these things really aren't as serious as our mind makes them out to be. It's no big deal. I'm not saying isolating yourself, having social anxiety ect are good things, but it doesn't make you a weirdo. And who cares if it did? I doubt people care as much as you think they do, theyre probably thinking about themselves.

As long as you are in the mindset of - there's something wrong with me, they think i'm weird, i think i'm weird, how do i act normal, will they accept me- then no amount of socializing will be the answer for you. You first need to make peace with yourself and stop caring so much, then socializing will probably happen naturally in a relaxed manner, and if doesn't, everything's still cool, because you're cool with yourself.

How can you do this? You can either go to therapy and learn about your complex past, or you can just stop caring so much, right now. Stop taking yourself so seriously. Trust me, you can do it, and when you do, you will probably laugh out loud. Then you are free and life can be pretty fun and enjoyable, this is when you are your true self. Living in this state is the only true freedom, everything else is an illusion.

Deserto

Hey Sethus, there's nothing abnormal about not feeling romantic toward others after just experiencing a break up with someone that you cared for. When we drink we tend to mask such emotions -- but they are entirely natural, and healthy.

Lots of good advice in this thread from Dee and Grits and others regarding finding new ways to be social. You'll get there, but it may be time to try something new if you're feeling isolated.

Congrats on a month and a half!

eh1988

I can definitely relate to you. For years I spent most of my time sitting at home, drinking my beers and then blacking out, alone. I've said this before in another post, I messed up my body not just physically, but emotionally. 3 months sober and I'm still not "right. Don't get me wrong, I'm a lot better, health wise and emotionally. But I notice I am having bi-polar associated emotions. I find myself snapping at people a lot more, not wanting to talk to anybody, not wanting to go out or do as much. I'm going to see my doctor this week and let her know what's going on, really scared of being diagnosed with a mental disorder though ....better than being an alcoholic though, in my opinion!

Sethus

Thankyou for all thr messages of support and experiences, I really appreciate it.
Am going to join an AA group soon, not just because I'm an alcoholic, but because I want to connect with people and find that extra support network.

Thanks!

BillyPilgrim

Sethus, that is great

We have to make a lot of changes when we sober up, and unfortunately our drinking buddies are moved to the corner. I am actively not taking up offers for a visit to the pub with friends, because I know that is one step too far for me

You can find other things to do though, and new friendships will evolve from that, perhaps old ones can be rekindled in a new way too

Michael66

Hi Sethus & Zorah,

I don't know if you like poetry, but I like this one by Carol Bieleck. We're all learning to 'breathe under water', in a new life that is at first a stranger to us....

Breathing Under Water

I built my house by the sea.
Not on the sands, mind you;
not on the shifting sand.
And I built it of rock.
A strong house
by a strong sea.
And we got well acquainted, the sea and I.
Good neighbors.
Not that we spoke much.
We met in silences.
Respectful, keeping our distance,
but looking our thoughts across the fence of sand.
Always, the fence of sand our barrier,
always, the sand between.

And then one day,
-and I still don’t know how it happened
the sea came.
Without warning.
Without welcome, even
Not sudden and swift, but a shifting across the sand like wine,
less like the flow of water than the flow of blood.
Slow, but coming.
Slow, but flowing like an open wound.
And I thought of flight and I thought of drowning and I thought of death.
And while I thought the sea crept higher, till it reached my door.
And I knew, then, there was neither flight, nor death, nor drowning.
That when the sea comes calling, you stop being neighbors,
Well acquainted, friendly-at-a-distance neighbors,
And you give your house for a coral castle,
And you learn to breathe underwater.

[Sr. Carol Bieleck]


Letting go of an old life is never easy. It seems there are more things we miss than the alcohol itself. I think it is harder for younger folk who may live in a social situation where so many use alcohol to ease socialising. But I trust we can all learn to breathe in this new life, as many of the testimonies here show.

Well done on getting so far!

miko67