Heath3r

Quick introduction: I am here mostly because of my boyfriend's struggle with alcohol, but I have also had problems/do have problems with it as well. I started using alcohol, pot, over the counter, and prescription drugs to self medicate for depression and insomnia in high school, drank heavily for years after but now am relatively sober. I have had drinks here and there in the last year, but am to a point where I will either abstain completely or entertain the idea of one light beer in a blue moon, though likely won't even do that. My gradual sobriety has been more of a reaction to watching my boyfriend struggle with serious alcohol dependency. He was already a full blown alcoholic by the time I met him, though I didn't realize it at first since drinking was just part of the social scene we were in. It wasn't until I noticed his behavior at times we weren't drinking and finding his bottles stashed around the house, in his backpack, or flasks in his pocket that I realized that this was more than heavy drinking as is common among 20-somethings. He tried to ween off at the advice of his AA group, but he couldn't do it, so finally after a bad slip up he went cold turkey at home with me and his parents helping him go through withdrawals. It was ugly and heart wrenching but I knew what I was getting into. I had seen friends and parents of friends relapse and roller coaster for years, I knew this wasn't an over night fix. Yet, oddly, it was for him. He surprised us all by shaking it off (though painfully at times) and gritting his teeth and getting through it. It took months for him to feel 'normal' if he ever did, we paid attention to his shakes, to his itchy eyes, his ice cream habit that replaced the vodka. We went through it together and he did amazing. I have never been so proud of someone as I have been of him for accomplishing what he has. He went to AA, he talked to his sponsor regularly, he told me when he was craving alcohol and he got through it. He got to the point where he could be around it and it wasn't an issue, he didn't ever want to go back to that life, he got back in school, finished his degree while working and we've been serious about our future. He was sober for a year and a half in April.

Things seemed perfect in most ways, not in the cliche way, but in that we were dealing with things honestly and planing our life out together. Then about a month ago he started talking about wanting to have a glass of wine at graduation. We talked about it for a while, he said he'd like to have a beer now and then, maybe once a month have a few beers with his buddies, and that would be it. Just to be a normal person, be invited to hang out again, and be able to relax. We did talk about it, he felt confident, I felt nervous but also confident in his ability to set strict rules for himself like he had when he quit. He also said he wanted me, his best friend, and his parents to help him, to keep him honest, and make sure it didn't become a problem. We had a beer after his last class, we talked about the future, he was himself it was nice. He had some more that night, then the next night he had a few, he went out with some buddies and had a few beers and a nice evening. But it was becoming every day or every other day that he would have a 'few beers'. A case slowly drained in a day, yet he still seemed okay. One night he and I and his best friend had a bunch of beers and talked to 2 am on a weekday, it was great and fun, but I was hurting the next morning and in hindsight I saw my old thinking surfacing (just one more, and another, and another). I hated myself the next day so I told him, no more beer in the house, I can't do it myself, and we can't keep doing this every night. I meant it as we, because it felt like something we were trying together. When I've brought up concerns about it he has calmed them, and agreed to do it differently. But after that conversation he got beer again for a day he knew was going to be tough at work. I came home late and he was drunk. He was drunk like he used to be, blank faced, not really there, but cheery and trying to be charismatic, he was also rude and curt at times, all the things that scared me about his possible drinking again. I told him, he apologized, but kept drinking, brushing it off as being from drinking on an empty stomach. I told him no more, he didn't drink the beer he had just got from the fridge. The next day he had drank the last two in the fridge, I came home and he seemed drunk again, though he swore he wasn't. He took his son to baseball practice, I asked him that night he said he wasn't drunk, nothing was going on. I told him to stop drinking, he conceded it was harder than he thought, and agreed. The next night he poured both of us a glass of red wine after I said no, he drank some of his anyway, I got made and told him to stop, he poured it out. We had an angry discussion he said fine he would stop drinking. Two nights later he ordered a beer with dinner, I got pissed and we talked, I cried a lot, he seemed to get it, he said he would stop drinking all the time, but wanted to have a couple at his friends birthday party next month. I said ok for now (still thinking he could moderate- he's very convincing). We hugged and went to sleep. The next day he said he wanted a chance to have a few beers with his dad this week on vacation, I conceded, I said 2 he said 4, I said I didn't agree. He had two at dinner two nights later, then poured a large glass of whiskey later at home. I blew up in front of his parents, said I wished he'd keep one f'ing promise about alcohol to me, he was never to touch hard alcohol again. I cried we fought, he's mad at me, thinks I'm making a big deal about it. I talked to his parents who were not aware he had gotten drunk and been drinking almost every day for 2 weeks, they thought they were going to help him have a couple of beers responsibly too starting now.

I'm afraid he's going to hate me because this isn't going as planned. I know I can't control him, and I know that we are capable of surviving this, but it's up to him at this point. It scares em. I want the future we've planned and to be happy and sober and raise a family. But I don't trust the control of the alcohol over him and won't start a family with someone if it is not likely to be stable for everyone. I know the pain of that as a child and I won't do that. I'm looking for advice on how to help him, without losing myself too. We live together with a friend, do I ask him to leave until he gets his head clear or do I put up with it and just detach until he escalates or gets better? He won't hurt me other than via disappointment and frustration, nothing directly. His son is like a son to me, I couldn't bear to separate from him too, but I don't want him to be a bargaining piece to keep me agreeing to arrangements I wouldn't otherwise, but I also want to protect him. He deserves to have a stable home life. Thoughts and advice greatly welcomed.

Seren

Hello Heath3r, Welcome to SR!

It is so heartwrenching to watch someone we care so much about be so self destructive when the solution seems so simple!

I know you want to help him, protect him, make him happy. The sad truth is, you are just not that powerful. None of us are. No amount of love, talking, pleading, tears, anger, or threats will get an alcoholic to stop drinking, and happiness is an inside job--not someone else's responsibility.

He deserves a stable home life
You also deserve a happy and stable home life.

One very important concept I learned here and at Al-Anon meetings is the 3C's. This concept states clearly and concisely that WE can't do anything to get the alcoholic to stop.....only the alcoholic can control that. Your boyfriend will stop only when he is ready, when the pain of the consequences of his drinking is greater than the pain of being without the alcohol.

I did not cause the addiction.
I cannot control the addict.
I cannot cure the addict.

Take your time and read around the threads here. Lots of great information, and you will receive tons of support from people who really 'get it'.

Krys

One of the hardest things I had to do when I moved out of the apartment I shared with my abf was give up contact with his son. My abf and I have agreed to work on ourselves and eventually our relationship while living apart so I have contact with him, but none with his son. It was my idea, I don't want to confuse him or come in and out of his life, but it is hard. My abf likes to tell me how much he misses me and while I know it's true, I also know that he is hoping it will make me want to come back. Luckily he is almost 15 and can think for himself to some extent. His mother is an addict who gave up her rights to him when he was little and now my abf and the maternal grandmother share custody. He does not drink around his son. I thought that we were hiding things from him pretty well and then after I left my abf's brothers girlfriend (confusing? lol) told me this story: "ABF and son came over to his parents house for dinner this weekend. His brother mentioned your name and quickly corrected himself and said something like oh that's right she's not here...sorry." Abf's son then said this: "That's because my dad did something stupid." To which abf replied "You don't even know what happened, we will talk about this later." And son replied "I might not know what happened, but I know you are stupid." Lesson for me is that kids are smarter than you think and take it ALL in even when you think they aren't listening. We have this child every other weekend and never talk about our issues in front of him, yet just based on his father's history, and probably a lot of tension in the house he came up with his own idea of what was going on...and he wasn't far off. It breaks my heart that I can't see him, but I know that with the history he has had with his dad and mom's addiction the best thing I can do for him is show him how someone behaves when they love you. For now love means backing off and letting him have a safe, tensionless place to call home on the weekends. Later I hope it is having two happy, healthy adults in his life, but if not he will have his dad and closure from me.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics can't moderate alcohol. An alcoholic can not drink, but once he/she picks up a drink there's no control over intake or what happens -- this is what being "powerless over alcohol" means. AA worked great for me because of the support of other drunks who had been in my shoes.

Bluebonnet1

Oh, Heath3r! I was about to post for advice but I might as well copy and paste your story as my own, only insert "daughter". It's been really bad for about a month now, as I've started binge drinking on occasion to cope with him and we end up having really bad fights. I've asked him (in our drunken rages) three times now to move out. He keeps telling me that I'LL be the one responsible for telling his 6 year old daughter. What? That he can't control his alcohol and is verbally abusive? She's not stupid either, she knows way too much at her age. I feel the need to be a source of stability, but it's very quickly sucking the life out of me. I feel guilty too because, like you, we met drinking and lived that lifestyle
For about 6 months. Just because I cut back, can I condemn hm for continuing to binge? (my mind rationalizes...).

I hope we find the strength we need to take care of ourselves. At least we've found these boards as a start! You are not alone.

flhogi

I will make this short. A true alcoholic is incapable of controlled drinking.
There is NO SUCH THING as moderation for a alcoholic that is what makes an alcoholic.
I'm sure if he is going to AA meetings he missed this part when it is brought up at every meeting.

liv1ce

Moderation is just an excuse to use. It won't work. Ever.

changeschoices

I have compared the "controlled drinking" attempts by the alcoholic to the idea of a crack user "smoking ocassionally". Nobody in their right mind would say that it's a good idea for a crack addict to "cut back" and keep smoking crack now and then.

I think because alcohol is much more socially acceptable than crack, we often forget to view it like crack. But alcohol is a drug, and to an alcoholic, it's as addictive as crack. Moderation doesn't work for alcoholics. If it did, there would be no alcoholics!

BillyPilgrim

Think of an alcoholic drinking moderately as someone playing russian roulette

There are only so many empty barrels.

choublak

...and you're surprised?

Pardon my cynicism, but it is both sad and sickening at the same time the vast number of threads on these forums about moderation and if it works and trying but failing at moderation. One would think these threads would stop given the amount of stories already on here about moderation (and they go back several years), but new ones continue to appear on the daily. It's a genuine shame.

BillyPilgrim

By the same token people wanting to give up come aboard every day

They all have lessons to learn, and it is only by learning them that they become sober

I will leave it to Kung Fu to sum up

"Master Kan: Quickly as you can, snatch the pebble from my hand.
[Young Caine tries to do so and fails]
Master Kan: When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave."

havefaithinhim

Hey Heath3r!

I am going through this also with my boyfriend. He thinks that he is "smart" enough that he can moderate his drinking. When in my heart I know for a fact that he cannot. He is seriouse about his recovery but I believe it might be something that he is losing a grip on which scares me so much because Im very much inlove with the person he is today when he is sober. He went to Rehab for 3 months in January and has been out for 3 months, with in the last 3 months he has managed to convince me that he can have a beer every now an then, when I know for a fact that its only harming himself and his sobriety. When you love someone so much, and are willing to do whatever it takes to help, what do you do?

tabatha

I've never seen moderation work with an alcoholic. When they feel they can now have a drink or two and be ok they are still very much in denial. My XABF tried several times to fool himself into thinking he could drink in moderation. It never worked and it always progressed.

SoaringSpirits

I view alcoholics as people with an allergy. They have to abstain 100% in order to be healthy. There's no middle ground, ie 'moderation.' Your boyfriend is a perfect example of why moderation doesn't work. For the alcoholic, it's all or nothing.

liv1ce

The beast only wants to get to high. When the beast is in control it will find a way to do so. It will niggle at you until you actually believe you can find a way to moderate. You are only looking for a way to get high. You want to get high so bad its all you can think about and you start to plan how to do it. As long as you are in this state you are a goner. The beast has you. One must find a way to get back to sobriety. Everything stated in this thread is dead on. It's really too bad that the one who needs to know is not the one writing in.

Cyranoak

Think of an alcoholic drinking moderately as someone playing Russian Roulette moderately. It's only a matter of time before they blow their brains out.

Nicely done Pilgrim. I like it a lot.

Cyranoak

djayr

The topic of moderation keeps coming up because alcoholics keep thinking it will work, over and over, at different times and places.

I look at at like lighting a fire, that first drink can turn into a forest fire real quick.

akrasia

Is there a sticky about "moderation management?" (Note the scare quotes.) There should be.

Here's the trick about "moderation": for those of us who aren't alkies, it feels sensible. Like yeah, why not have a glass of wine with dinner and then get on with your life?

But look at some of the posts in the "new to recovery" board of people who just got out of rehab, just lost their spouses, jobs, etc., and the primary thing on their mind is "NOW I WANT TO DRINK AGAIN BUT NOW IT'S DIFFERENT I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC ANYMORE IT'S CALLED MODERATION MANAGEMENT OR WHATEVER I'LL HAVE MY BEER NOW THANKS ALCOHOLALCOHOLALCOHOL."

Yeah no.

choublak

But alcoholics can't drink "in moderation". It's not up for discussion. It's what the f*ck it is.

Carol Star

in AA we say 1 is too many and 50 is not enough........trying to control it does not work.....much easier to stay stopped than to "get stopped"