New, sad, hopeless...type don't cry?

Old 05-19-2012, 07:11 PM
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New, sad, hopeless...type don't cry?

Hello everyone. I've found myself reading here again- so I joined tonight as my Long-time boyfriend is probably out drinking again. I'm so tired of crying, and just realized that my fear of being alone keeps me with him, but that's silly because he always leaves me alone.

Just wondered how much support will I find if I start coming here regularly - I have a hard time getting myself to the Al-Anon meeting in my area- I went once 2 months ago and couldn't stop crying.

Background: I only recently found out that my guy who had been sober for over 10 years had started up again. He hid it well, and I freaked out because in my heart I know where this leads. He later admitted he had been drinking again for a couple years... More freaking. We were almost going to have a break up talk about in at the start of April, but at Easter he decided he was done with that life and things were going better. What changed? I'm sure tomorrow I will hear its the terrible stress of the job he took in March (no just being codependent here, it's a very dangerous workplace). I thought we were OK, but tonight I came home for dinner, not here, no note, turned off his cell when I tried to call it... How do I know when it's time to have that talk?
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:23 PM
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Hello AlreadyAlone,

Welcome to Sober Recovery. You can expect a lot of support here, usually on the weekends it is slow.
I don't know when would be the time to have that talk, but until then, why not think of ways to live without him.
Maybe you could look for a roommate.
You could try the AlAnon again, they are used to people crying the first time they go, it is the first step to a big change in your life. Crying is a good way to relieve the stress when you think about that.
AlAnon will help you put you first and learn what you deserve and need to survive as a healthy person, emotionally and spiritually.
I hope you come back soon.

Beth
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:53 PM
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I'm sorry you feel so alone. The good thing is, you're really not alone, we're all here! Keep posting. It makes you feel better, and you learn a lot along the way.
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:58 PM
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Thanks for your reply! I guess I wasn't very detailed in my first post...

We live together, and have for almost 14 years, but he has not been drinking at home. Alanon was very surreal- I guess I'm still coming to terms with how this is affecting our relationship, how I never pictured the sober guy I met falling down after 10 years, and how quickly my life became unmanageable.

I've started reading codependent no more and get that I have serious issues. Am I the only one who wonders when I became this person? A lot of people on this forum advocate getting away from their AH- but will that help if it turns out I'm the problem?

Sorry to put so much out there at once- I just feel like I lost myself somewhere...
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Old 05-19-2012, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by AlreadyAlone View Post
Hello everyone. I've found myself reading here again- so I joined tonight as my Long-time boyfriend is probably out drinking again. I'm so tired of crying, and just realized that my fear of being alone keeps me with him, but that's silly because he always leaves me alone.

Just wondered how much support will I find if I start coming here regularly - I have a hard time getting myself to the Al-Anon meeting in my area- I went once 2 months ago and couldn't stop crying.

Background: I only recently found out that my guy who had been sober for over 10 years had started up again. He hid it well, and I freaked out because in my heart I know where this leads. He later admitted he had been drinking again for a couple years... More freaking. We were almost going to have a break up talk about in at the start of April, but at Easter he decided he was done with that life and things were going better. What changed? I'm sure tomorrow I will hear its the terrible stress of the job he took in March (no just being codependent here, it's a very dangerous workplace). I thought we were OK, but tonight I came home for dinner, not here, no note, turned off his cell when I tried to call it... How do I know when it's time to have that talk?
Hi
I'm a recovering drunk. We drunks hold our partners as a hostage with our drinking. We can always justify our drinking in our mind with any and all excuse, if we can't find one we will make one up. Thats want the sickness does the brian does it's okay to drink.
The problem is it's gets worse or progrees as time goes by. he has to want to stop for himself and not anyone else. Most of us have hit rock bottom in order to stop. It's a life time of talking to a higher power. Once a drunk always a drunk. Hope this helps.
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Old 05-19-2012, 11:39 PM
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I just asked my therapist yesterday..."when did I become ths sick person?"

I was bread to be a Codie and have exhibited these behaviors before however my higher power graced me when a man with a addiction a major self hatred and brought me to my knees. My bottom. The relationship exposed it all....you are not alone.

Very appreciative to have a recovering addict respond you ....he is speaking the truth...are you up for a lifetime roller coaster ride?
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Old 05-20-2012, 12:38 AM
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Originally Posted by AlreadyAlone View Post
I've started reading codependent no more and get that I have serious issues. Am I the only one who wonders when I became this person? A lot of people on this forum advocate getting away from their AH- but will that help if it turns out I'm the problem?

.
You are not the only one who wonders when they became codependent. We all were, or still are, codependent; it's just to what degree we are in our recovery. That's how we are able to help each other.....because we have all been through it in one form or another. No, you aren't the only one and you are not alone. We are here for you and each other.

Yes, most people here will advocate getting away from the alcoholic. As you read all the stickeys and all the stories from others, you will understand why. Some of us have made the choice to stay but it's a hard and difficult life, often filled with dispair under the best of circumstances.

One thing everyone will tell you.....you are not the problem as you wrote in you post. You were never the problem, you are not the problem now, nor will you ever be the problem. Your boyfriend is an adult and made the choice and decision to drink on his own. You did not force him in any which way, shape, or form. Please.....never blame yourself for another person's problems. There is a motto we live by called the 3 C's. Please believe in them.

I didn’t cause it
I don’t control it
And I can’t cure it

We are here for you.
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Old 05-20-2012, 02:51 AM
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I have had codependent tendencies since I was a little kid.

I had/was working on them when I met my exAH. Signs were there of his drinking problems but I did not actually really see that until after we were married.

I believe that I got into a relationship with him in part to help me look and examine those pieces of my childhood that I was really unwilling to look at. That was not a conscious decision , but necessary for healing for me.

I believe that in part we were attracted to each other because of the codependency/addiction connection. With that said however I believe very strongly in the Three Cs, and I know that my behavior did not cause his drinking, just like my codependency (in my case only) was not caused by his drinking.

Al-anon, therapy and being here all helped. As did reading about addiction.
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Old 05-20-2012, 03:19 AM
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I've started reading codependent no more and get that I have serious issues. Am I the only one who wonders when I became this person? A lot of people on this forum advocate getting away from their AH- but will that help if it turns out I'm the problem?

Yes sweets we all wonder when we became this person, who lets someone elses stuggles with alcohol become our problem.

You are not the problem, as far as yours bf's drinking, that is his deal. He chose. YOur deal is how do you get out from under is and find some peace for yourself.

You will get lots of support here. Can I recommend Getting Them Sober as well. It was one of the first I read and it was very helpful.

Settle in, give yourself room and time to start looking at this , it's hard and painful, but you are not alone. So glad you found the forum, welcome, we know your pain.

much love to you Katie
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